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Old 01-10-2012, 03:26 AM   #11
Carfanate

Join Date
Oct 2005
Posts
490
Senior Member
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Asalaamu Alaikum,

Brothers and sisters! I seem to fall back to where I was each time. I know we have to respect our parents and arguing with them is completely wrong. But my mom and I live together and we just can't get along!!!

What do I do when I feel like she is being really unfair?? I don't want to badmouth her but i thought maybe talking on this forum would be better than me telling someone who knows her in person as that would be more personal and worse and I really need advice.

My mom has a really huge temper too . We end up arguing so often and sometimes I feel like it's not my fault but at the same time she's my mother and I don't have the right to yell at her.

During Ramadan she bought some meat from another country (a non-Muslim country). As far as I could see there was no sign it was halal but she said it was from a shop with no pork. I refused to touch or eat it and that ended up being a huge argument because she felt like I was accusing them of eating haram and I'm better than them etc. Whilst I would never say I'm better than them (they are Muslims too Alhamdulillah), I did point out the meat may not be halal. That's just one example.

The other night my sister and I asked her permission to go to the airport and we were going with some other family members. But they got a bit delayed and we found out they would be delayed before we left the house but we decided to leave anyway (a bit early) as we had already gotten the taxi. When we got to the ferry place (to get the ferry to go the airport) we realised just how early we were and so we asked our mom if we could just go to the airport and meet everyone else there. She just flipped out and made us come home again. I'm 22! And I know as sisters we shouldn't be leaving the house without mahram etc but her reasons for asking us to come home weren't for Islamic reasons I don't think. The reason I say this is because this is from the same family who is actively encouraging me to get a boyfriend so I can get married. When I say I don't want to get a boyfriend, I feel like I'm being judged. How ironic is that?? our 'Muslim' culture is a very Westernised version.

I just don't know how to get along with my mother. I love her so much but I can't seem to respect her because i don't feel like I get the respect back either. But at the same time, she was a single parent and I do respect her a lot. It's so hard!

And I know that I don't really deserve respect because of the arguing etc. But I always feel like I'm being attacked. Insha Allah my sister and I are talking of moving out next year to our own place our dad got for us as that way we can avoid such arguments. But literally I find it is so hard to stay quiet. I was talking to my sister tonight about just going to a shop and getting ready and she just came in to the conversation and just started saying stuff like asking my sister why is she [my sister] so scared of me? It felt like she was just doing it to be petty too. This was because another evening I had asked my sister to get ready but after she got ready I changed my mind about going out which I know was wrong of me. But the way my mom was saying that stuff and just saying 'tell me why ur so scared of her (me)) - it felt like she was just trying to start up a fight too.

I used to tell people she was my best friend because i felt so close to her. now she often tells me to move out. Tonight I was way out of line and yelled at her a lot too but I can't even go and apologise because in the past when I have tried that it seems like her anger just looms more and more with time. So I'm trying to stay out of her sight as much as i can tonight.

There is a lot of bad feelings between us often. I have suffered from such severe waswas and Alhamdulillah it's much better now. But it wasn't my mom who helped me through it [she didn't know and what she did know, she did offer advice but it was long distance at the time as I was away]. It was different forum members and brothers and sisters I've never met. Now when I am much better with dealing with this Alhamdulillah I still find myself doing little things that are a bit OCD-like. Eg. I wash my hand quite often due to paranoia. and then she would just say you have this paranoia-disease or something like that and it would just upset me a lot and I know that's not even fair. I once took a shower in dirt because a dog had brushed against me and I thought it had licked me and the paranoia had gotten so bad. Now if I wash my hands a few extra times I don't think it's as bad as that and one huge reason I end up doing it is because of the 'haram' or rather, questionable food we sometimes use. And I try my best to avoid it and it makes me a bit over the top.

I'm sorry that was such a huge vent. But I've just given you a few examples because I want to know how do I keep my temper down in such cases? I can't seem to do it. When the airport incident happened I didn't even go into my mom's room that night until I was calm because I wanted to avoid a fight. And that worked well as we then talked and got along fine afterwards. But then tonight it felt like she was trying to cause problems between me and my sister and I just blew up and screamed about how she had wasted our money last night by acting the way she had and that got really ugly .

Please please help me! Please make Dua' for me and my family! I'm a bit of a bad smell in the house now and not very welcome! I end up in tears and regret things so much and often I can tell myself that I'm in the wrong. But sometimes, just sometimes, it seems like the adults forget they can be wrong too!
Assalaamualaikum dearest sis.
I can feel you. Some amazing advice has been given by others, maashaAllaah..
Try working out what u need \ suits u best inshaAllaah.
I admire the fact that u r humble enough to acknowledge ur wrong and do regret. In fact that's a sign of imaan when our sins prick us and we feel guilty abt it.
Take it step by step.. Have goals, take the steps , Ull slowly but surely inshaAllaah get there over time.
We do understand that disobeying our parents is def a big crime.. But inshaAllaah u can still fix it, ur mother is alive.. ( if This helps, try thinking abt her leaving this world, would there be anything but painful regret?? ) if u know any sisters whove mothers have passed away ( may Allaah enlighten their graves nd have mercy of them Nd all the deceased believers , aameen) try speakin to them.
SubhaanAllaah ! Think of this Sis, if that's the regret one may feel in this worldy life itself, wht abt the regret of the day of judgement ( if in jannah, one will regret the time not spent in Allaah's dhikr ) what can be said abt the regret of sin itself before getting into jannah (inshaAllaah)
Last but not the least, try getting in touch with any practicing aalimaat / pious sisters inshaAllaah in ur area, inshaAllaah it'll be beneficial.
Main thing is the tawfeeq (divine ability) to do any good/rectify any evil .. That can only from Allaah ta'ala , keep beseeching Him, He will open the doors for u and Pave the away.
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