samurai duel (a poem)
 

Greetings,

Here is a a poem I wrote about a samurai duel. It honors the samurai of Japan.

http://www.fidei.org/2011/01/duel-at-dawn-ii.html

Any feedback would be greatly appreciated. Feel free to use the poem
as you see fit.

Regards,
Zach
Pittsburgh, PA

< http://www.fidei.org >

I liked it Zach. Looks like your blog is worth a read too, I'll dig into it when I have a chance.

Overall, I liked it.
However, some constructive feedback (since you asked)

It is said that good poetry is indirect, and subtle. My feeling is that one of the beauties of poetry lay in it's abstract. That said, presenting the reader with a feeling or situation without directly pointing out that feeling is what I look for in good prose. That's the nature of poetry. To capture a feeling which words cannot convey.

For example:

swords raised
senses heightened
tempered minds
command cold steel
glimmering in dawn's light
sharpened by intention
bushido

In this case, the author is almost telling the reader what to feel, rather than allowing the reader to come to their own conclusions based on their own experiences.

If we reduce the lines to abstract, we are not pointing to the moon, as they say, but rather it's reflection.

Example:

swords raised (think of another way to talk about the sword. (metaphor perhaps?) what is the sword really? Just steel?
senses heightened (this is obvious to the reader.)
tempered minds (why, and for what purpose?)
command cold steel (I like this line, however you are telling me, the reader, what to feel.
glimmering in dawn's light (steel glimmers in light, again obvious.) what are you really trying to say here?
sharpened by intention (I am getting that cold steel is sharpened by intention?) I like that.
bushido (this word totally ruined it for me. Why? because pretty much no one alive, can relate to it. Heck, I'll wager that even most Samurai could not relate. my advice: leave idealism out of it.
Is it a sense of personal honor you wish to convey? if so, go in that direction.)

Don't be so concerned with directly painting the scene, or the message you wish to convey,
rather, provide the rough edges, and allow the reader to not only fill in the details, but also to come to
conclusions themselves. (some of which I may add, will surprisingly be ones you never intended but can take credit for in later interviews. )

Hope this helps,
and keep on writing!!

Thanks Scotty!

Thanks for the feedback!