Some light-hearted British humour. - DiscussWorldIssues - Socio-Economic Religion and Political Uncensored Debate

**Edisesyethisp** · 10-11-2008, 12:50 AM

This was sent round in an email today at work, thought I would share

It's long, but amusing none the less.

Oh, and for the American's who get insulted over this - I don't care. It's a joke.

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II:

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).
Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

-----------------------
1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').
------------------------
2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'
-------------------
3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
-----------------
4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist,then you're not ready to shoot grouse.
----------------------
5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
----------------------
6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
--------------------
7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
-------------------
8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
-------------------
9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
---------------------
10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
---------------------
11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
---------------------
12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
--------------------
13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
-----------------
14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
---------------
15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.
------------------

God Save the Queen!

**AmericaAirline 111** · 10-11-2008, 01:09 AM

Wow that sure was a good one

*goes back to sleep*

**Byxtysaaqwuz** · 10-11-2008, 01:09 AM

That joke is as old as the queen herself.

**LianneForbess** · 10-11-2008, 01:26 AM

That joke is as old as the queen herself.

I believe it's been updated. Never-the-less I found it quire amusing, and some of the stuff in it drives me nuts. Here in Australia we spell words with the letter "U" in it that the US don't such as flavour, colour etc and it get's on my nerves when I'm in Microsoft word and it always tries to correct me when I've made no mistake.

And can you just imagine the US paying $10/gallon[surrender] They complain about paying $4/gallon now. But it's just a joke so all good

**AmericaAirline 111** · 10-11-2008, 01:30 AM

I believe it's been updated. Never-the-less I found it quire amusing, and some of the stuff in it drives me nuts. Here in Australia we spell words with the letter "U" in it that the US don't such as flavour, colour etc and it get's on my nerves when I'm in Microsoft word and it always tries to correct me when I've made no mistake.

You know you can change the language settings

**DadaSeeva** · 10-11-2008, 01:38 AM

I wasn't aware anyone actually used the word catsup [rofl]

**Fertionbratte** · 10-11-2008, 01:39 AM

What annoys me the most in in Microsoft programs etc you have the option for "English", or "International English".

The "English" option of course is American English, with the "international English" option being "English" English.

Which is totally the wrong bloody way round! [thumbdown]

**gDGwm8BC** · 10-11-2008, 01:40 AM

I wasn't aware anyone actually used the word catsup [rofl]

According to an online dictionary it's what the Americans call ketchup.

**AmericaAirline 111** · 10-11-2008, 01:42 AM

What annoys me the most in in Microsoft programs etc you have the option for "English", or "International English".

The "English" option of course is American English, with the "international English" option being "English" English.

Which is totally the wrong bloody way round! [thumbdown]

Well Microsoft is an American company so it would be international english to them. Besides, is it really that big of a deal..just switch the setting and you never have to look at it ever again

**LianneForbess** · 10-11-2008, 01:43 AM

You know you can change the language settings

I had no idea you could do that. Will do next time I use it, thanks for the heads up

**yPuqQ248** · 10-11-2008, 01:46 AM

lol thats taking the piss out of British as much as Americans and I bet people will still get arsey about it.

Made me chuckle

I had no idea you could do that. Will do next time I use it, thanks for the heads up

Crackin joke is to change a mates computer language to Igbo

**DadaSeeva** · 10-11-2008, 01:57 AM

According to an online dictionary it's what the Americans call ketchup.

Not a single large manufacturer here calls it that. I do remember eating something clearly not ketchup in england that was called ketchup though. Just like how they called sprite lemonade [cursing]

**Cajlwdvx** · 10-11-2008, 02:13 AM

CATSUP!?!?!?!?!?

KETCHUP!

/throws chairs and beats small children.

**mArVHDO6** · 10-11-2008, 02:31 AM

CATSUP!?!?!?!?!?

KETCHUP!

/throws chairs and beats small children.

Calm down and chill,
just a few more years of global warming and the ocean will get rid of them for us. nothing but love m8´s
[yes]

**gDGwm8BC** · 10-11-2008, 02:35 AM

Not a single large manufacturer here calls it that. I do remember eating something clearly not ketchup in england that was called ketchup though.

What sort of "ketchup" isn't ketchup?

I've never called Sprite lemonade btw.

**DadaSeeva** · 10-11-2008, 02:43 AM

What sort of "ketchup" isn't ketchup?

I've never called Sprite lemonade btw.

The kind of "ketchup" without tomato.

I'm not sure why I had this sudden urge for lemonade while I was there, but every place that I asked if they had lemonade would say 'yes' then come out and bring me sprite/7up beverage.

**gDGwm8BC** · 10-11-2008, 02:46 AM

The kind of "ketchup" without tomato.

How can you have ketchup without tomatoes?

I'm not sure why I had this sudden urge for lemonade while I was there, but every place that I asked if they had lemonade would say 'yes' then come out and bring me sprite/7up beverage. 7 Up is lemonade.

Edit: It seems, according to Wkipedia, 7 Up is lemon and lime flavoured. I alwasy assumed it was just lemon flavoured and therefore lemonade.

**Edisesyethisp** · 10-11-2008, 02:53 AM

lol thats taking the piss out of British as much as Americans and I bet people will still get arsey about it.

Made me chuckle

I did say it was British sense of humour. Clearly some people don't get it.

And yes, its taking the piss out of both nationalities. Some people round here need to lighten up it seems!!

The kind of "ketchup" without tomato.

What the...how can you have ketchup without the tomato?!?!? Please show me an example!

**gDGwm8BC** · 10-11-2008, 03:02 AM

What the...how can you have ketchup without the tomato?!?!? Please show me an example!

Maybe he's talking about brown sauce? But I've never heard or seen anyone refer to that as "ketchup".

**ElisasAUG** · 10-11-2008, 03:10 AM

How can you have ketchup without tomatoes?

7 Up is lemonade.

Edit: It seems, according to Wkipedia, 7 Up is lemon and lime flavoured. I alwasy assumed it was just lemon flavoured and therefore lemonade.

Lemonade over here is lemons, water, and sugar. It's very sour and definitely nothing similar to 7up.

10-11-2008, 12:50 AM	#1
Edisesyethisp Join Date Oct 2005 Posts 553 Senior Member	Some light-hearted British humour. This was sent round in an email today at work, thought I would share It's long, but amusing none the less. Oh, and for the American's who get insulted over this - I don't care. It's a joke. To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II: In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.) Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy). Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect: ----------------------- 1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary'). ------------------------ 2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.' ------------------- 3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. ----------------- 4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist,then you're not ready to shoot grouse. ---------------------- 5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public. ---------------------- 6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour. -------------------- 7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it. ------------------- 8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar. ------------------- 9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion. --------------------- 10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater. --------------------- 11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). --------------------- 12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries. -------------------- 13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad. ----------------- 14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776). --------------- 15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season. ------------------ God Save the Queen! Share Share this post on Digg Del.icio.us Technorati Twitter
	Quote

10-11-2008, 01:09 AM	#2
AmericaAirline 111 Join Date Nov 2005 Posts 443 Senior Member	Wow that sure was a good one goes back to sleep Share Share this post on Digg Del.icio.us Technorati Twitter
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10-11-2008, 01:09 AM	#3
Byxtysaaqwuz Join Date Oct 2005 Posts 481 Senior Member	That joke is as old as the queen herself. Share Share this post on Digg Del.icio.us Technorati Twitter
	Quote

10-11-2008, 01:26 AM	#4
LianneForbess Join Date Oct 2005 Posts 528 Senior Member	That joke is as old as the queen herself. I believe it's been updated. Never-the-less I found it quire amusing, and some of the stuff in it drives me nuts. Here in Australia we spell words with the letter "U" in it that the US don't such as flavour, colour etc and it get's on my nerves when I'm in Microsoft word and it always tries to correct me when I've made no mistake. And can you just imagine the US paying $10/gallon[surrender] They complain about paying $4/gallon now. But it's just a joke so all good Share Share this post on Digg Del.icio.us Technorati Twitter
	Quote

10-11-2008, 01:30 AM	#5
AmericaAirline 111 Join Date Nov 2005 Posts 443 Senior Member	I believe it's been updated. Never-the-less I found it quire amusing, and some of the stuff in it drives me nuts. Here in Australia we spell words with the letter "U" in it that the US don't such as flavour, colour etc and it get's on my nerves when I'm in Microsoft word and it always tries to correct me when I've made no mistake. You know you can change the language settings Share Share this post on Digg Del.icio.us Technorati Twitter
	Quote

10-11-2008, 01:38 AM	#6
DadaSeeva Join Date Oct 2005 Posts 436 Senior Member	I wasn't aware anyone actually used the word catsup [rofl] Share Share this post on Digg Del.icio.us Technorati Twitter
	Quote

10-11-2008, 01:39 AM	#7
Fertionbratte Join Date Oct 2005 Posts 368 Senior Member	What annoys me the most in in Microsoft programs etc you have the option for "English", or "International English". The "English" option of course is American English, with the "international English" option being "English" English. Which is totally the wrong bloody way round! [thumbdown] Share Share this post on Digg Del.icio.us Technorati Twitter
	Quote

10-11-2008, 01:40 AM	#8
gDGwm8BC Join Date Oct 2005 Posts 563 Senior Member	I wasn't aware anyone actually used the word catsup [rofl] According to an online dictionary it's what the Americans call ketchup. Share Share this post on Digg Del.icio.us Technorati Twitter
	Quote

10-11-2008, 01:42 AM	#9
AmericaAirline 111 Join Date Nov 2005 Posts 443 Senior Member	What annoys me the most in in Microsoft programs etc you have the option for "English", or "International English". The "English" option of course is American English, with the "international English" option being "English" English. Which is totally the wrong bloody way round! [thumbdown] Well Microsoft is an American company so it would be international english to them. Besides, is it really that big of a deal..just switch the setting and you never have to look at it ever again Share Share this post on Digg Del.icio.us Technorati Twitter
	Quote

10-11-2008, 01:43 AM	#10
LianneForbess Join Date Oct 2005 Posts 528 Senior Member	You know you can change the language settings I had no idea you could do that. Will do next time I use it, thanks for the heads up Share Share this post on Digg Del.icio.us Technorati Twitter
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10-11-2008, 01:46 AM	#11
yPuqQ248 Join Date Oct 2005 Posts 431 Senior Member	lol thats taking the piss out of British as much as Americans and I bet people will still get arsey about it. Made me chuckle I had no idea you could do that. Will do next time I use it, thanks for the heads up Crackin joke is to change a mates computer language to Igbo Share Share this post on Digg Del.icio.us Technorati Twitter
	Quote

10-11-2008, 01:57 AM	#12
DadaSeeva Join Date Oct 2005 Posts 436 Senior Member	According to an online dictionary it's what the Americans call ketchup. Not a single large manufacturer here calls it that. I do remember eating something clearly not ketchup in england that was called ketchup though. Just like how they called sprite lemonade [cursing] Share Share this post on Digg Del.icio.us Technorati Twitter
	Quote

10-11-2008, 02:13 AM	#13
Cajlwdvx Join Date Oct 2005 Posts 654 Senior Member	CATSUP!?!?!?!?!? KETCHUP! /throws chairs and beats small children. Share Share this post on Digg Del.icio.us Technorati Twitter
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10-11-2008, 02:31 AM	#14
mArVHDO6 Join Date Oct 2005 Posts 526 Senior Member	CATSUP!?!?!?!?!? KETCHUP! /throws chairs and beats small children. Calm down and chill, just a few more years of global warming and the ocean will get rid of them for us. nothing but love m8´s [yes] Share Share this post on Digg Del.icio.us Technorati Twitter
	Quote

10-11-2008, 02:35 AM	#15
gDGwm8BC Join Date Oct 2005 Posts 563 Senior Member	Not a single large manufacturer here calls it that. I do remember eating something clearly not ketchup in england that was called ketchup though. What sort of "ketchup" isn't ketchup? I've never called Sprite lemonade btw. Share Share this post on Digg Del.icio.us Technorati Twitter
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10-11-2008, 02:43 AM	#16
DadaSeeva Join Date Oct 2005 Posts 436 Senior Member	What sort of "ketchup" isn't ketchup? I've never called Sprite lemonade btw. The kind of "ketchup" without tomato. I'm not sure why I had this sudden urge for lemonade while I was there, but every place that I asked if they had lemonade would say 'yes' then come out and bring me sprite/7up beverage. Share Share this post on Digg Del.icio.us Technorati Twitter
	Quote

10-11-2008, 02:46 AM	#17
gDGwm8BC Join Date Oct 2005 Posts 563 Senior Member	The kind of "ketchup" without tomato. How can you have ketchup without tomatoes? I'm not sure why I had this sudden urge for lemonade while I was there, but every place that I asked if they had lemonade would say 'yes' then come out and bring me sprite/7up beverage. 7 Up is lemonade. Edit: It seems, according to Wkipedia, 7 Up is lemon and lime flavoured. I alwasy assumed it was just lemon flavoured and therefore lemonade. Share Share this post on Digg Del.icio.us Technorati Twitter
	Quote

10-11-2008, 02:53 AM	#18
Edisesyethisp Join Date Oct 2005 Posts 553 Senior Member	lol thats taking the piss out of British as much as Americans and I bet people will still get arsey about it. Made me chuckle I did say it was British sense of humour. Clearly some people don't get it. And yes, its taking the piss out of both nationalities. Some people round here need to lighten up it seems!! The kind of "ketchup" without tomato. What the...how can you have ketchup without the tomato?!?!? Please show me an example! Share Share this post on Digg Del.icio.us Technorati Twitter
	Quote

10-11-2008, 03:02 AM	#19
gDGwm8BC Join Date Oct 2005 Posts 563 Senior Member	What the...how can you have ketchup without the tomato?!?!? Please show me an example! Maybe he's talking about brown sauce? But I've never heard or seen anyone refer to that as "ketchup". Share Share this post on Digg Del.icio.us Technorati Twitter
	Quote

10-11-2008, 03:10 AM	#20
ElisasAUG Join Date Oct 2005 Posts 583 Senior Member	How can you have ketchup without tomatoes? 7 Up is lemonade. Edit: It seems, according to Wkipedia, 7 Up is lemon and lime flavoured. I alwasy assumed it was just lemon flavoured and therefore lemonade. Lemonade over here is lemons, water, and sugar. It's very sour and definitely nothing similar to 7up. Share Share this post on Digg Del.icio.us Technorati Twitter
	Quote