[socialkiiii]

post some !!!
I´ll start

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate
father to start their family. On the day the surrogate father was to
arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be
here soon" Half an hour later, just by chance a door-to-door baby
photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

"Good morning, madam. I've come to...."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.
"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good. I've made a speciality of
babies"
"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat"

After a moment, she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the
couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is
fun too; you can really spread out!"
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me"
"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But, if we
try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven different
angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results"
"My, that's a lot of....." gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in
and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure"
"Don't I know it," Mrs. Smith said quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his
baby pictures.
"This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London"
"Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider their
mother was so difficult to work with"
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job
done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get
a good look"
"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
"Yes," the photographer said, "And for more than three hours too. The
mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate.
Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the
squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean squirrels actually chewed on your,
um......equipment?"
"That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so we
can get to work."
"Tripod?????"
"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for
me to hold for very long. Madam? Madam? ....... Good Lord, she's
fainted!!"

[rofl]

[itepearce]

Magician David Blain was gutted yesterday when he found out his record of 44 days of doing f@ck all in a box was smashed by over six months by Newcastle United's Michael Owen.

[GfBTWMmV]

Magician David Blain was gutted yesterday when he found out his record of 44 days of doing f@ck all in a box was smashed by over six months by Newcastle United's Michael Owen.

LoL! [thumbup]

[Gvadelunar]

Lady & her best friend go on holiday to the Caribbean & meet a muscular black guy. After a week of fantastic 3some's they ask him his name, he replys "my name is Snow" The ladies start laughing, he asks "why are you laughing?" They reply "our husbands will never believe we had 10" of ******* Snow in the Caribbean!"

[itepearce]

Last week an American website broke the news of Prince Harry serving on the front line in Afghanistan.

Harry said that once you've got the helmet and kit on no-one on earth can tell who you are...

[9wQlZkIj]

Magician David Blain was gutted yesterday when he found out his record of 44 days of doing f@ck all in a box was smashed by over six months by Newcastle United's Michael Owen.

LOL I like that one




Three men go on holiday abroad together. The tourist office informs them that there is only one hotel in town with vacancies. The lads go along there, only to be told by reception that there is just one available room left in the hotel. They are not keen, but as it is their only option, they take the room for one evening and share its only bed.
That night, they all enjoy a good night's sleep. In the morning, the guy on the right side of the bed says,
"I dreamt I had the best w**k last night."
The guy on the left side says,
"That's funny, I had the exact same dream!".
The guy in the middle says, "I dreamt I was skiing."

[bubbachew14]

Last week an American website broke the news of Prince Harry serving on the front line in Afghanistan.

Harry said that once you've got the helmet and kit on no-one on earth can tell who you are...

Not to ruin the joke, but I thought it was an Australian journalist that ruined Harry's tour.

[itepearce]

Not to ruin the joke, but I thought it was an Australian journalist that ruined Harry's tour.

Not to be anal, but I thought the story appeared on the Drudge Report.

/thread.

[Nurse_sero]

and some Irish extreme-sports jokes from me:


Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle. They head to the bird
section and Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem. "

The owner comes over and asks if he can help them. "Yeah, we'll
take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere, " says Gerry.

The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box. Paddy and Gerry pay
for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive
to the top of the Connor Pass.

At the Connor Pass , Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and
says, "Dis looks like a grand place. " He takes two birds out of
the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff.

Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to
the bottom, killing himself stone dead.

Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head
and says, "Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me

it continues:

Moment's later, Seamus arrives up at Connor Pass.

He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another paper bag in one hand and a shotgun in the other.

"Hi, Paddy. Watch dis," Seamus says.

He takes a parrot from the bag and throws himself over the edge of the cliff. Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot.

Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.
Paddy shakes his head and says, "And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!"

and then....

Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean Og appears.

He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a paper bag out of which he pulls a chicken.

Sean Og then hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.

Once more Paddy shakes his head.

"Fook dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting...and now Sean Og and his fook'n hengliding!" [rofl]

[Nurse_sero]

and this one is a classic [rofl]:

Mrs. O'Leary is chatting with Mrs. O'Rourke in the front parlor when she glances out the window and shrieks, "Oh no, here comes my Paddy up the front walk with a bouquet of flowers! I suppose this means I'll be spending the entire weekend on my back with my legs in the air!"
In a puzzled tone Mrs. O'Rourke replies, "What's the matter, don't you have a vase?" [rofl]

[Nurse_sero]

Ah heck - here is two more (my inbox is busy today!)


Paddy and Gerry went out one day and each bought a pig.

When they got home, Paddy turned to Gerry and said, Gerry, me ol mate, how we gonna tell who owns which fookin pig?
Gerry says Well Paddy, Ill cut one a ta ears off my pig, and ten we can tell em apart

Ah tatd be grand says Paddy.

This worked fine until a couple of weeks later when Paddy stormed into the house. Gerry he said Your fookin pig has chewed the ear offa my fookin pig. Now we got two fookin pigs with only one ear each. How we gonna tell who owns which pig?
Well Paddy said Gerry Ill cut ta other ear off my fookin pig. Ten well av two fookin pigs and only one of them will avan ear

Ah tatd be grand says Paddy.

Again this worked fine until a couple of weeks later when Paddy again stormed into the house. Gerry he said Your fookin pig has chewed the other ear offa my fookin pig. Now we got two fookin pigs with no fookin ears! How we gonna tell who owns which pig?
Ah tis serious, Paddy said Gerry Ill tell ya what Ill do. Ill cut ta tail offa my fookin pig, ten well av two fookin pigs with no fookin ears and only one fookin tail.

Ah tatd be grand says Paddy.

Another couple of weeks went by, and you guessed it, Paddy stormed into the house once more.
Gerry! shouted Paddy. Your fookin pig has chewed the fookin tail offa my fookin pig and now we got two fookin pigs with no fookin ears and no fookin tails! How the fook are we ever gonna tell OEem apart?!

Ah fook it! says Gerry Hows about you have the black one, and Ill have the pink one


Irish fancy dress.....

A bloke holds a party where his guests are asked to dress as different emotions...

The first guest arrives.
The host opens the door to see a bloke covered in green paint with the letters 'N' and 'V' painted on his chest.
He says "What emotion have you come as?"
The bloke says, "I'm green with envy."

A few minutes later, the next guest arrives.
The host opens the door to see a woman covered in a pink body stocking with a feather boa wrapped aroung her privates.
The host says, "What emotion are you?"
She says, "I'm tickled pink."

A couple of minutes later, the doorbell rings for the third time and the man opens the door to see two Irish blokes, Paddy and Gerry
standing there stark naked, one with his **** stuck in a bowl of custard and the other with his **** stuck in a pear.

Shocked, the host says, "What emotions are these supposed to be?"
Paddy says, "Well, I'm ****in discustard and Gerry has just come in despair."

[DrJonson]

[rostpribru]

THERES ALWAYS GOTTA BE ONE PERSON THAT SPOILS IT ALL BY POSTING COMPUTER CRAP....

[rostpribru]

and this one is a classic [rofl]:



[rofl]

ROFL harris

[Appeselve]

One day little Johnny heard a noise and peeked into his parents room to
check it out.
He opened the door to see his mom bent over the dresser and dad going at
it behind her. Johnny's dad saw him and gave him a little wink as Johnny
closed the door.
After business was finished Dad went to check on little Johnny. He
opened his bedroom door to find Grandma bent over the dresser and little
Johnny going at it behind her.
Dad yelled, 'Johnny, what the hell are you doing?!'
Little Johnny replied, 'It's not so funny when its your mom is it?!'

[prehighaltitudesjj]

A gynecologist decides one day that she wants to be able to fix her own car, so she goes to a school to learn about cars and engines.

She goes through the entire course doing very well and so the time comes to take her final test. Which involves taking apart and engine and putting it back together.

So she takes the test and approaches the teacher to find out how she did.

The Teacher say, "You did far better then anyone else in the class, so I awarded you 150points."

She says, "150 points? But the test was only worth 100 points. Why did you give me the extra 50 points?"

The Teacher says, "I gave you 50 points for taking apart the engine. You were very organized and identified every component perfectly. I then gave you 50 points for putting the engine back together. Everything worked properly when we test started the engine and no extra parts were lying around. The other 50 points I gave you because you did it all through the exhaust pipe."