[PypeDeft]

Hi everyone! I am a young woman, 20 years and I would like to marry in the near future. Unfortunetly, there are more stories out there of failing marriages than successful ones, so I thought it would be unique to have a marriage thread on Monachos met their spouses and advice on how to keep a happy marriage.

I look forward to hearing the wonderful stories of how Christ brought you and your spouse together! One question I have, if you could answer, is how you discovered your spouse was the one God picked for you.
God Bless!

[Vodonaeva]

Miss Theodora,

I met my wife after praying (imploring really) the blessed Theotokos for a godly woman who would love me. Before I got to that however, I had to be satisfied that the married state in the world was within God's will for me rather than the monastic or single life since I was widowed (5 years) at the time. It is quite easy to be carried away with the romanticism of getting married while not looking closely enough at what is required of you. Canonically, there are three steps to a full marriage, 1) the full and free intent to marry one another; 2) the contract or betrothal, and 3) the sacredotal blessing. All too often we jump past 1 & 2 and leap to #3 without proper preparation, prayer and thought.

An Orthodox marriage is not just between two people and God, it is a function of the entire community--the marriage strengthening the community and the community supporting and strengthening the marriage all drawing strength from the Holy Trinity and the person of Jesus Christ.

When I was about 10 years old, long before I was Orthodox, I decided that anyone who got married before age 28 was too young. Still feel that way as a general rule.

Mostly I'd say live the life of the Church to the fullest extent possible with diligence and patience, pray and be open to possibilities.

I was looking for female friends on match.com when this lady surfaced who, despite what the computer said, just wasn't my type. Turned out she is my type and a wonderful blessing.
As much as possible, don't seek you own will.

[noingenah]

Miss Theodora,

I met my wife after praying (imploring really) the blessed Theotokos for a godly woman who would love me. Before I got to that however, I had to be satisfied that the married state in the world was within God's will for me rather than the monastic or single life since I was widowed (5 years) at the time. It is quite easy to be carried away with the romanticism of getting married while not looking closely enough at what is required of you. Canonically, there are three steps to a full marriage, 1) the full and free intent to marry one another; 2) the contract or betrothal, and 3) the sacredotal blessing. All too often we jump past 1 & 2 and leap to #3 without proper preparation, prayer and thought.

An Orthodox marriage is not just between two people and God, it is a function of the entire community--the marriage strengthening the community and the community supporting and strengthening the marriage all drawing strength from the Holy Trinity and the person of Jesus Christ.

When I was about 10 years old, long before I was Orthodox, I decided that anyone who got married before age 28 was too young. Still feel that way as a general rule.

Mostly I'd say live the life of the Church to the fullest extent possible with diligence and patience, pray and be open to possibilities.

I was looking for female friends on match.com when this lady surfaced who, despite what the computer said, just wasn't my type. Turned out she is my type and a wonderful blessing.
As much as possible, don't seek you own will.

Thank you Micheal for your advice!

[fkjghfg]

3 things to remember:
1. If you want to meet the right person, be the right person.
2. Do go through pre-marital counseling with your financee'.
3. There are times when you will have romantic feelings in marriage, but there are times when you will not, which is normal. Marriage is less about romantic feelings and more about getting over the hurdles together.

[bMc8F9ZI]

Perhaps the most important question which prospective spouses must ask themselves:

"Can I see myself wanting to live with this man/woman for the rest of my life?"

This question can be answered more easily the older one gets, as the chance of such a momentous decision being based on "romantic madness" (for want of a better term). That's not to say that someone under the age of 25 is incapable of making the right decision. But, for many, particularly males, best to wait until the mid-to late 20s before taking the plunge.

Practical advice for the girls (grumpy old woman that I am):

If you have grown up with a brother or brothers who are of comparable age, this will make married life MUCH easier to cope with. For those who only have sisters, or who have no siblings, learn as much as you can from female friends and relatives about living with males. I had the privilege of growing up with a brother. It taught me a lot. You're welcome to PM me for further advice.

[TCjwwhcY]

I recommend the book Letters to Karen it's letters of advice from a Pastor to his daughter on how to have a happy marriage.

see here: http://www.amazon.com/Letters-Karen-.../dp/068721565X

[AmericaAirline 111]

Guys!

Miss Theodora has not asked for advise but stories ...

We all know the theory lets hear some reality

I am interested in this thread too as I am a divorced 35 year old who really does want to get married again and so hearing positive STORIES encourages me to have hope and patience.

Theory ... theory ... theory

You guys are great but lets get in touch with our humanity and share our hearts.

[sportlife]

My advice is to pray for the right person to come into your life at the time choose by God.

[ExpodoDop]

complete and utter love, the love of self sacrifice and complete forgiveness and the nourishment of your own soul- if you feel this and feel its reciprocity then you will know and your foundations will be of stone. I will not go into the details of the circumstances that convinced me but suffice it to say that the first part of this paragraph was apparent to me at a point in time. It made me change my life , it made me change to Eastern Orthodox, and it made me realise the errors of my previous life and the way it had been focused on materialism and not on my soul. I was married last weekend ...................

[uchetrip]

Congragulations Mark on getting married! I wish all the best for you and your wife!

[amehoubFomo]

Thank you Theodora. Best wishes to you too

[rNr5Di3S]

Hi Mark,

Congratulation on your marriage.

[tigoCeree]

One piece of advice, learn to communicate in a healthy manner, be real, and work as a team. I take Pauls words serious on marriage and the image he made concerning the Christ and His Church. Which means as the husband I am willing to crucify myself e.g. dying to myself, my passions, my desires for her sake.

[Srewxardsasv]

One surefire way to an unhappy relationship is to have these fantasies of what the perfect person will give you in a perfect relationship, and then look for someone who can be the putty you can use to make those fantasies a reality.

A happy marriage, like monasticism, finds joy in dying to all these childish things to have the grown-up business of mature marriage.

Christos Jonathan

[nermise]

There is a Russian word that I like very much, podvig. Simply, it means struggle. My Russian brothers and sisters can correct me here if I'm wrong, but, in the Church, podvig is analogous to accepting one's Cross. There are small podvigs and big ones but there are always podvigs.

My first marriage was a podvig, not easy, at times not filled with joy and happiness. Both of us hard-headed, selfish, self-willed people battled ourselves and each other way too much.

Yet, when she died, it was as if half my soul was torn from me. Our podvig had made changes in my heart and life of which I was only vaguely aware at the time. As I began to realize the fruit of our marriage to some extent, I knew that I needed good hard stones to be polished by because I am hard myself. On my own, it is way too easy for me to get way out of line.

Monasticsim and Marriage are the two avenues of spiritual struggle and purification with which the Church gifts us. Given the Church's understanding of marriage as non-repeatable (with allowances made for our hard hearts), I looked at monasticism first. It was quickly evident that was not the path for me.

My second marriage, as young as it is, is still a podvig, but it is far more gentle. My wife and I are both reaping the fruits of previous struggles that allow us to be more forgiving, more gentle, less selfish.

I went into my first marriage with unrealistic expectations, and a seriously mal-formed will. My wife also had been severely damaged by abuse.

Marriage is a committment to one another in Christ to struggle together to accept change, disapointment, and all of the other sins with which your partner struggles. It has to be a life of prayer together and kenotic action.

[Ilaubuas]

At my parents' church, a former pastor said something like "My wife and I were married 10 years ago and have been happily married for 7 years."

One person took this as a tremendous dig at his wife, which it wasn't; he and his wife both had some growing up they needed to do, and then they did that growing up, and while it COULDN'T have been uninterrupted smooth sailing from there on, they have enjoyed a genuinely happy marriage, and, I am almost positive, continue to do so.

Christos

[Pharmaciest]

Thank you very much. I appreciate your advice.

At my parents' church, a former pastor said something like "My wife and I were married 10 years ago and have been happily married for 7 years."

One person took this as a tremendous dig at his wife, which it wasn't; he and his wife both had some growing up they needed to do, and then they did that growing up, and while it COULDN'T have been uninterrupted smooth sailing from there on, they have enjoyed a genuinely happy marriage, and, I am almost positive, continue to do so.

Christos

[Maribellin]

Thank you Micheal. I also am hard headed and I will have to keep in mind the meaning of marriage from the church rather than secular society. It is very difficult these days, so I appreciate your advice very much. You sound alot like me and your advice will help me much!!

[fd8IIys2]

Thanks Jonathan,..I will have to keep this in mind!!

[d1Bc25UP]

Thanks Vasiliki,..I appreciate all the advice you guys are giving,..but more stories would be nice too!! Or if you got over some hurdle in your marriage and learnt something from it,..I would love to hear.