[Pashtet]

This is a fabulous idea!! Our office humor tends to be a tad crass, but here's one:



AN IRISH BLONDE IN A CASINO

An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand Euros on a single roll of the dice.
She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude'..

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, 'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!'
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed...'YES! YES! I WON, I WON!'

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?'
The other answered, 'I don't know - I thought you were watching.'


MORAL OF THE STORY -

Not all Irish are drinkers,
not all blondes are dumb,
but all men...are men.

[JohnVK]

hey guys- my last long joke was FUNNY!



A short history of medicine:

Patient: "I have an ear ache."
Physician:..
2000 B.C. - Here, eat this root.
1000 A.D. - That root is heathen, say this prayer.
1850 A.D. - That prayer is superstition, drink this potion.
1940 A.D. - That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill.
1985 A.D. - That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic.
2000 A.D. - That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root.

[Seilehogshell]

LOL more true for us!!

[UJRonald]

Words of wisdom from a nutritionist on the carbs that I adore so much, he was comparing what we eat versus what our ancestors ate ... processed vs. raw / whole. "sure they ate carbs (our ancestors) then they went out and chased a buffalo ... so go ahead and eat them, as long as your on your way out the door to chase a buffalo"

I must admit that at this very second .. I am considering chasing the buffalo!

[Chiquita]

Run Buffalo, run!!!!!!!!! Here comes MitziMay!

[altosburg]

OK OK a Clean one LOL


A nine-year old boy goes into the grocery store, grabs a box of tampons from the shelf and carries it to the register. The cashier asks, "Oh, these must be for your mom, huh?"

"Nope," says the boy, "not for my mom."

The cashier responds, "Well, then they must be for your sister then?"

"Nope," says the boy, "not for my sister, neither."

The cashier is now curious, "Oh. Not for your mom and not for your sister -- then who are they for?"

The nine-year-old says, "They're for my little brother. They say on TV, if you wear one of these, you can swim and ride a bike, and my little brother can't do either of those things."

[Qzmsdoem]

TOO Funny!

[Dapnoinaacale]

This is for anyone who in concerned about diet and exercise, VERY helpful information:

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise! Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a lamb eat? Leaves and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a kabob is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine. That means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain... Good

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. What do body builders do to get those enormous muscles??! You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO ...... Cocoa beans ... another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me!!!!

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! “Round” IS a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets and remember "Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, Chardonnay in one hand and strawberries in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and screaming: WOO HOO! What a Ride!”

[snunsebrugs]

LMAO we are on a roll!!

A man goes to his doctor after losing a lot of weight.

"I feel great, but I have a problem, doctor. I was so fat beforehand that my skin has stretched and stayed that long. Is there anything you can give me?"

"Hmm, short of plastic surgery, there is only one alternative. Please take off your clothes."

The man strips down. The doctor pulls all his skin upwards and ties it in a ball above his head.

"But doctor -- now my navel is in the middle of my forehead!"

"True," replies the doctor, "and you should see what you have for a collar and tie."

[Z3s9vQZj]

A Blondes Medical Dictionary:Artery………….Study of paintings

Bacteria…………Backdoor to cafeteria

Barium…………..What to do when treatment fails

Bowel…………….Letter like A E I O or U

Ceasarean Section….District in Rome

Cat Scan………….Searching for Kitty

Cauterize…………Make eye contact with her

Colic…………….Sheep Dog

Coma……………..Punctuation Mark

Congenital………..Friendly

D & C…………….Where Washington is

Dilate……………To live long

Enema……………..Not a friend

Fester…………….Quicker

Genital……………Non-Jewish

Hang Nail………….Coat Hook

Impotent…………..Distinguished, well known

Labor pain…………Hurt at work

Morbid…………….Higher offer

Nitrate……………Cheeper than day

Node………………Was aware of

Outpatient…………Person fainted

Post op……………Letter Carrier

Recovery Room………Place to apholster

Rectum…………….Dang near Killed Him

Rheumatic………….Amorous

Secretion………….Hiding something

Tablet…………….Small table

Terminal Illness……Sick at Airport

Tibia……………..Country in North Africa

Tumor……………..More than One

Urine……………..Opposite of ‘you’re out’

Varicose…………..Nearby

Vein………………Conceited
( no offense to blondes...............I am one )

[cheapphenonline]

now you're all getting in the spirit! i love the one about BF ratio....

When my grandmother was in her late eighties, she decided to move to Israel. As part of the preparations, she went to see her doctor and get all her charts. The doctor asked her how she was doing, so she gave him the litany of complaints -- this hurts, that's stiff, I'm tireder and slower, etc., etc., etc.
He responded with, "Mrs. Weiss, you have to expect things to start deteriorating. After all, who wants to live to 100?"
My grandmother looked him straight in the eye and replied, "Anyone who's 99."

[chzvacmyye]

oh my gosh...i read all the jokes and i laughed until i literally cried, no kidding. my son was laying on the couch watching tv and kept saying "mommy, what's wrong with you...mooommmyyyy".

thanks guys and gals, i really needed the laugh, i haven't laughed like this in a very long time.

[AgJ5mNXM]

good to hear- it's good for the immune system!

[Beedcardabeme]

my husband told me a joke earlier and i just had to share it here:

Q: why do hippies wear patchouli?

A: because they want to tick off blind people, too.

hardy har har. no offense to anyone who wears patchouli oil--i actually don't mind the smell.

[T1ivuQGS]

Lmao!

[Nutpoode]

Boy and to think I was eating cucmber daily..........

Girl: I'd like a triple vanilla ice cream sundae with chocolate syrup, nuts, whipped cream, topped off with a slice of cucumber.

Waiter: Did I hear you right? Did ou say top it off with a slice of cucumber?

Girl: Good heavens, you're right! forget the cucumber – I'm on a diet.

[Drugmachine]

I think this is a great thread and needs to be brought forward. Made me laugh out loud that i had to tell my partner need cheering up read these

[RastusuadegeFrimoum]

Thanks rednats I'm LMAO, too!

Oz

[steevytraunse]

Ok. Here is one my nephew told me.

What is the last thing to go through a bugs mind when he hits the windshield?
His butt.

[bunkalapa]

Another of my nephews.

What kind of bees give milk?
A boobie.