[daasayse]

Quote[/b] (mangomike @ Oct. 19 2004,04:04)]I have not heard of this social custom so I can not say whether it is true or not.
However, the Thais' respect their parents more than they do in the west so just accept your boyfriends' mothers' decision.
Does it make that big of a difference whether you're introduced as a friend or girlfriend ? Mai pen rai.

Thai people are very friendly and accepting, it won't matter to them which way you're introduced they will welcome you with open arms.
Don't go there all upset about a minor detail.
Dry your eyes and be happy that you're going to Thailand with the boyfriend and his family. After all, you're going to the "Land of Smiles", don't be the only one without one.

Man, I don't even know how to respond to your post. To me, that was kind of heartless. It is like you are telling her to suck it up.

Blonde18, you should express how you feel about this to his parents. It makes a BIG DIFFERENCE whether you are introduced as just a friend or girlfriend. You are his girlfriend and should be addressed as such, not just a friend. It is not a minor detail at all.

It is awesome that you have been together for 2 years; you guys should express your love. You shouldn't be forced to hide it.

When you go to Thailand, you should have a smile on your face because you are generally happy to be there and you are being who you are, not what somebody wants to associate you as. Mangomike really ticked me with his reply, if you can't tell. *lol*

[WaydayTew]

Quote[/b] (Makiy0 @ Oct. 21 2004,16:21)]This thread lacks female perspective and I shall provide one after much deliberation on quite a touchy issue.

I have been thinking and placing myself in Blonde18's shoes to decipher how I would feel and react if my boyfriend did this to me.

I will be PISSED/IRATE/FURIOUS/UPSET....(you get the picture Pissed to the point where I would just call off the trip. If he wants to do something like that, he better have an A* reason.

Some of the possible reasons that you guys came up with I thought were valid for consideration but do not come close to being A*. The orthodox dating process as I see it is this:

Step 1: Date various people (non-exclusive dating)
Status: Friends
Step 2: Date one person you feel is compatible after elimination (exclusive dating)
Status: Boyfriend/Girlfriend (Casual)
Step 3: After a period of exclusive dating, meeting the parents
Status: Boyfriend/Girlfriend (Serious)
Step 4: Proposal
Status: Fiance
Step 5: Marriage
Status: Spouse
Step 6: After prolong marriage, cheagting husband and nagging wife
Status: Divorced

(Step 6 is purely just for laughs )

Great 1 Makiy0!!!!!
Love the progression of removing the holes for him to jump through

To Blondie
If this is a infringes on your self respect (you decide that)
Tactfully but not apologetically approach the issue.
You can not be expected to be held accountable for every nuance of Thai society. Especially if it's being used as an excuse for another purpose.
IMO Any disrepect has been towards you.
But just maybe not intentional

[Dilangos]

I'm off to Thailand with my boyfriend and his family this christmas and I'm so excited. But the other day i got told that i'm not going as a 'girlfriend' but as a 'friend' and i will be introduced as a 'friend'. I've been with my boyfriend for 2 years and it really upsets me.
I was told that to be introduced as a girlfriend means he must marry me and its some kind of social issue for his mum, and her friends. Also i am introduce to friends and family the same way....

I'm extremly hurt and confused by the whole situation could someone please explain it to me....

[Gometesstem]

It was certainly an obsession, they simply gave me a label for the addiction last week

[Gometesstem]

I should have noted I was only teasing you

[daasayse]

Quote[/b] ]The purpose of forums is to discuss and share opinions, not to flame people or belittle their views.
I would hope that we all can participate in a mature and responsible manner.

I don't think I was flaming or belitting your views, unless you were refering to somebody else? However, if I did I apologize. It is just that I get really steamed when somebody says something that I have first-hand experience with. It wasn't a pleasant experience to hear somebody tell you that you have to conform all your life just to make others happy.

Stacker, I'm from Goldsboro. I know plenty of Thais from High Point though.

[daasayse]

*lol* Oh, Paul wrote that.

[bawayTeen]

I love the people who say Thailand has to move into the 21st century.for thailand that would be going back in time as the year in thailand is the year 2547 !!!!!!! My advice for blonde is to go to Thailand,enjoy yourself and see what hapens,do not pay attention to negative posts.Thailand and thai culture is very different to western countries,many people who have been on holiday 1 or 2 times think they are experts on thailand.I have been maried to a thai for 11 years now and there is still so much for me to learn.

[daasayse]

Quote[/b] (tacomodo @ Oct. 21 2004,00:35)]Really, people. It is not up to you to pass judgement on these people.

And who are you to try change Thai culture?

Thailand has to move into the 21st century? Why? Because you said so?

I for one hope Thailand never change. The culture and the people are marvellous the way they are.

We have our way of doing things, they have theirs. It is not up to anyone here to say what is right or wrong, how things should and should not be.

I know I come off with a cheeky tone here, and I tried to tone it down, but I feel my points are still valid.

I don't recall anybody saying Thailand had to change its culture for it to be acceptable to a person of the Western world, so you better calm your nerves down.

I gave her my opinion on the situation from my point of view. Provided I did not grow up in Thailand, I grew up around plenty of Thais to understand where she is coming from and the hurt she is feeling.

Speaking personally, I never said I wanted the Thai culture to change. However, I don't plan on going there... so there won't be a problem.

If Blonde wants to go to Thailand, she is going to hafta suck up how she feels to make everybody else happy. That is factual. However, I am sympathizing with her and letting her know that her pain is valid. edited#'YOU ARE KWAI to' anybody who says otherwise.

EDIT: Hehe, yes.. I did get upset.

[StincPriene]

Hi blonde 18 !
One thing I was wondering, besides all the discussing:
You are together with your boyfriend for 2 years. Is he living in Holland too? Where did you meet him? Is he a Holiday Romance and still lives in Thailand?
If you kindly could answer these question and then I might be able to give further advice.

[Gometesstem]

Quote[/b] (Mateo @ Oct. 19 2004,12:14)]Man, I don't even know how to respond to your post. To me, that was kind of heartless. It is like you are telling her to suck it up.

Actually that is exactly what should be done, while both before and after the trip she discuss her feeling about the matter with the boyfriend. But during the trip absolutely you got restrain yourself. Besides you will not be showing affection as you are accustomed to anyway in Thailand. Consider his feelings, quite possibly he does not wish to be humiliated by having a g/f who wishes to display affection in a manner not appropriate in Thailand. So this is the easiest way he can explain to you how important it is that his country's cultural guidelines are followed, while there at least. I suggest some reading on the culture. Not that you do not understand it, but read some considering his standpoint relating to the choice he made.

Quote[/b] (Mateo @ Oct. 19 2004,12:14)]
Blonde18, you should express how you feel about this to his parents.

DO NOT DO THAT, not in a Thai household that is a horrific way to show great disrespect to your boyfriend and rub it into his family's face.

Quote[/b] (Mateo @ Oct. 19 2004,12:14)]
It is awesome that you have been together for 2 years; you guys should express your love. You shouldn't be forced to hide it.

I agree, but do it the manner he is requesting, as was mentioned he is probably having a difficult time explaining to you the concept of dating the Thai way. In the West dating is considered entertainment, something to do on a Saturday night. In Thailand it is used for the purposes of finding a marriage mate for the most part. So if you were to be introduced as a girlfriend, it may open a door to issues at this point in his mind. Not so much issues with you, but probably in regards to his relationship with his parents, age, current social status, etc...

Now Blonde18, all those things considered.....you may give him winks, flirtacious smiles all while in the prescence of his family. His mother will likely be much more impressed by these actions, you may easily win the confidence of his parents before they even know how much he feels for you. Especially for the fact that you are displaying respect for their culture by keeping it very low profile. Do you really think they won't know as soon as they see a beautiful young girl with their son, what is going on? They are still people. Consider it like the morals people were expected to to display as if dating in the USA 70 years ago, and it will be easier. Maybe the flirting on the trip will break him down.... have fun with it!

Mateo I am not being negative to your post, your post completely applies if her bf had American parents in Chicago, completely. That simply is not the case though and courting is something considered quite sacred over there. Here it is not.

Possibly you don't realize what an outcast they would be considered if they were to show affection, but in either case I am 99% sure that is why he is insistant on her understanding her place while abroad. Mateo welcome to the forums! Don't worry the Mango is a cool guy His wife is Thai also, so there is a bit more insight on the subject of dating while there. He was being helpful and telling her to have a good time

[WaydayTew]

Oh, your a mod here then.
I just thought it was a normal obsession
Thanks for the correction

[Gometesstem]

Probably related to the embarrassing behaviour of the white people who frequent Thailand for pleasure rather than business. Maybe you should do a bit of reading, to get a further background on what all goes on. Best to leave some subjects away from a school related website.

[ErnestTU]

ok...the hidden meaning when a boy takes a girl home and vice versa is that she/he is his/her gf/bf. but in gerneral, we will say friend.

some thai families still can't accept if their child will have a foreign partner but it's more and more acceptable.

learn about thai culture and how to behave to the older people, keep smiling and they will like you. after they like you, of course they will encourage their chil to keep you
take it easy ok? if you have any questions or worries, you can talk to me

[Gometesstem]

LOL!!!!

That explains alot more. There are about 3 options, all are bad news.

1. The family is ashamed he is dating a white girl, as he may be as well. In that case there will be no wedding anyway.

2. They don't trust the two of you can keep a respectful amount of space and such a label would ensure no wrong behaviour.

3. From a moral aspect.... Everyone assumes that in a farang relationship sex is prior to marriage, which is quite a stigma to go to Thailand with, and an emabarrassing one at that from the parents who raised a son to choose the 'loose' farang women, rather than the women of his own nationality.

I am sure you have heard some Thai's are rascist, rascism exsists in every country. I once heard a Thai woman say that she would rather her son marry the Japanese girl in Washington USA that tried to murder her sister, than for him to be with a white girl!

It happens now and then. Yes I agree to lie to people who are of no consequence simply to somehow honor the 'great family name' is not right. Revert back to Mateo's post on page one, it now applies. LOL

[Gometesstem]

As a matter of fact you will probably be called his girlfriend by his parents before you leave so long as you respect the introductory times as asked.

Remember above I said consider it like dating 70 years ago in the US? The Thai demands as Mateo pointed out are a few decades behind Western standards of what is acceptable. So basically to go about it with the Thai family following Western standards is like forcing the Thai culture into the future right?

So picture forcing the American culture into the future. Would you come home today and say the same thing you would in 30 years? Would you come home and say this is the guy I am sleeping with? No it is just wrong to force people into a standard that is simply not accepted. Simple comparison :

[Vulkanevsel]

I'm not going to go wildly off topic and debate other peoples views. If blonde 18 was meeting her b/f family in America my response would have been totally different.
She's going to a different country with a different culture and different values.


In Thailand, it's not "everbody do your own thing"
What i suggest you do blonde 18 is to go with the flow this first time you meet your b/f family in Thailand. If you insist on having your way you risk losing the respect of your potential mother in-law and the breaking up of your current relationship.
If your relatationship continues and you happen to go to Thailand a second time I'm sure you'll be proudly introduced as his girlfriend.

[shieclulaweew]

wow... this is probably one of my biggest gripes about Thailand, and I see I am not alone.

Blonde, I am sorry. It pretty much looks like what Stacker wrote in his latest post. This is not only speculation, I can tell from personal experience that it is so.

At times it seems that most Thais view any association between Farang and Thai in the most twisted way possible. I lost a job to this notion, and nearly lost my Thai family to it too.

There is a strong notion that associates Farang with unreliability and sexual promiscuity, among other things (Sadly, I can't say that it is completely unfounded). The victims of this discriminative view are the "exceptions from the rule" and the Thais who want to live with them. Mae, Nong Sao, my friends... they all have to put up with this negative attitude that they got from their fellow nationals because of me. Your boyfriend's family may love you, and just tries to protect your boyfriend from the same misery. Similar things happen with me occasionally too: I gotta go "low profile" when the family elders (grandpa, grandma, their servants) sometimes show up. This way, mom and my little sister are protected from the scrunity of the old dogma. At other times, we only have put up with sick rumours that are circulating in the neighborhood about them and me... at times I wish I could just vanish.

...but I know that we cannot let the opinion of strangers shape our lives. Just gotta go with the flow and put up a smiling face. The best I can tell you is try the same. Go on, Blondie, let them play their little games in Thailand - just make sure that when it comes to you and him, your feelings stay the same. ^_^ And then get married when it feels right. Good luck!



Makiyo, nice to see your post again! I got a big, heartfelt smile when I read it.

I wish more people were thinking like you: there'd be a lot of disappointed old geezers coming to fish for wives: instead of the expected stereotype of the subservient Asian female, they'd be hit head-on with the fresh, brave, independent thinking that made them flee from the West in the first place! You surely won't fall for guys' old-and-tried tricks...

You made my day today na.

[sterofthemasteool]

I don't know why the title of this thread is "Social Status." Being someone's girlfriend is not an indication of social status. In Thai society, if you say you are someone's girlfriend, it is almost the same as being his wife. It is more important to respect the family than to worry about petty stuff like what you are called. You won't even understand what they are saying, so just smile and show some respect.

[Gometesstem]

Take it how you have already, there is no hidden agenda or issue. It probably exactly as it seems to you. You have all rights to be hurt, I feel bad for you.