[Dilangos]

I'm off to Thailand with my boyfriend and his family this christmas and I'm so excited. But the other day i got told that i'm not going as a 'girlfriend' but as a 'friend' and i will be introduced as a 'friend'. I've been with my boyfriend for 2 years and it really upsets me.
I was told that to be introduced as a girlfriend means he must marry me and its some kind of social issue for his mum, and her friends. Also i am introduce to friends and family the same way....

I'm extremly hurt and confused by the whole situation could someone please explain it to me....

[Gometesstem]

Take it how you have already, there is no hidden agenda or issue. It probably exactly as it seems to you. You have all rights to be hurt, I feel bad for you.

[Vulkanevsel]

I have not heard of this social custom so I can not say whether it is true or not.
However, the Thais' respect their parents more than they do in the west so just accept your boyfriends' mothers' decision.
Does it make that big of a difference whether you're introduced as a friend or girlfriend ? Mai pen rai.

Thai people are very friendly and accepting, it won't matter to them which way you're introduced they will welcome you with open arms.
Don't go there all upset about a minor detail.
Dry your eyes and be happy that you're going to Thailand with the boyfriend and his family. After all, you're going to the "Land of Smiles", don't be the only one without one.

[Gometesstem]

I should have noted I was only teasing you

[Muramoursuard]

Honestly, I would have a hard time not being offended if I were in your situation. When I first went to Thailand to meet My G/F's friends and family I was introduced to everyone as her b/f. Maybe it is different for the opposite gender, but I strongly doubt it. If he really cares how you feel he should not hide his love for you from his family and friends at home. I would let it go this time, but I would not want this to go on the next time around. As Mike said, the Thais are genrally accepting people, you should have no problem being accepted regardless of your relationship status. Good Luck.

[daasayse]

Quote[/b] (mangomike @ Oct. 19 2004,04:04)]I have not heard of this social custom so I can not say whether it is true or not.
However, the Thais' respect their parents more than they do in the west so just accept your boyfriends' mothers' decision.
Does it make that big of a difference whether you're introduced as a friend or girlfriend ? Mai pen rai.

Thai people are very friendly and accepting, it won't matter to them which way you're introduced they will welcome you with open arms.
Don't go there all upset about a minor detail.
Dry your eyes and be happy that you're going to Thailand with the boyfriend and his family. After all, you're going to the "Land of Smiles", don't be the only one without one.

Man, I don't even know how to respond to your post. To me, that was kind of heartless. It is like you are telling her to suck it up.

Blonde18, you should express how you feel about this to his parents. It makes a BIG DIFFERENCE whether you are introduced as just a friend or girlfriend. You are his girlfriend and should be addressed as such, not just a friend. It is not a minor detail at all.

It is awesome that you have been together for 2 years; you guys should express your love. You shouldn't be forced to hide it.

When you go to Thailand, you should have a smile on your face because you are generally happy to be there and you are being who you are, not what somebody wants to associate you as. Mangomike really ticked me with his reply, if you can't tell. *lol*

[sterofthemasteool]

I don't know why the title of this thread is "Social Status." Being someone's girlfriend is not an indication of social status. In Thai society, if you say you are someone's girlfriend, it is almost the same as being his wife. It is more important to respect the family than to worry about petty stuff like what you are called. You won't even understand what they are saying, so just smile and show some respect.

[BenBoobmers]

Two years ago I had a chat girlfriend on the net, about 3 months after I first chatted with her, I went to meet her in Thailand. After 2 day's staying in a resort with her at Jomtien Beach I went back to Samut Prakan where she lives with her family, she introduced me as her boyfriend, that was cool. But one thing did upset me, there was one incident thought, when I met her at her office in Samrong, I put my hand on her waist and brushed me aside, making out I was not her boyfriend, then one of her female work colleagues asked me to come out to dinner with members of her company, my girlfriend quickly wished me away and said we have to go. What upset me, is she worked with these people everyday and failed to tell any one at her work, that she had a boyfriend coming to see her from Australia. she never even mentioned she had a friend coming from Australia, the people in her company were very surprised to meet me, I never let on at the time, that I was her boyfriend, and just let incident blow over with out making any comment. Looking back I should have made an issue to my girlfriend at the time, and tell her, that was very disrespectful to our relationship.
Message to "Blonde18" don't let the issue blow over like I did, you deserve the respect of not just your boyfriend, but your boyfriends family Were now living in the 21st century and Thailand needs to move on with the times. The Thai family needs to respect your culture and relationship, as lying to them about your relationship is also being disrespectful to them. Your boyfriend needs to show you respect as well, by presenting you as his girlfriend, and if he not do that, it's just a 9 hour flight from Bangkok to Sydney and you can come visit me.

[Gometesstem]

Quote[/b] (Mateo @ Oct. 19 2004,12:14)]Man, I don't even know how to respond to your post. To me, that was kind of heartless. It is like you are telling her to suck it up.

Actually that is exactly what should be done, while both before and after the trip she discuss her feeling about the matter with the boyfriend. But during the trip absolutely you got restrain yourself. Besides you will not be showing affection as you are accustomed to anyway in Thailand. Consider his feelings, quite possibly he does not wish to be humiliated by having a g/f who wishes to display affection in a manner not appropriate in Thailand. So this is the easiest way he can explain to you how important it is that his country's cultural guidelines are followed, while there at least. I suggest some reading on the culture. Not that you do not understand it, but read some considering his standpoint relating to the choice he made.

Quote[/b] (Mateo @ Oct. 19 2004,12:14)]
Blonde18, you should express how you feel about this to his parents.

DO NOT DO THAT, not in a Thai household that is a horrific way to show great disrespect to your boyfriend and rub it into his family's face.

Quote[/b] (Mateo @ Oct. 19 2004,12:14)]
It is awesome that you have been together for 2 years; you guys should express your love. You shouldn't be forced to hide it.

I agree, but do it the manner he is requesting, as was mentioned he is probably having a difficult time explaining to you the concept of dating the Thai way. In the West dating is considered entertainment, something to do on a Saturday night. In Thailand it is used for the purposes of finding a marriage mate for the most part. So if you were to be introduced as a girlfriend, it may open a door to issues at this point in his mind. Not so much issues with you, but probably in regards to his relationship with his parents, age, current social status, etc...

Now Blonde18, all those things considered.....you may give him winks, flirtacious smiles all while in the prescence of his family. His mother will likely be much more impressed by these actions, you may easily win the confidence of his parents before they even know how much he feels for you. Especially for the fact that you are displaying respect for their culture by keeping it very low profile. Do you really think they won't know as soon as they see a beautiful young girl with their son, what is going on? They are still people. Consider it like the morals people were expected to to display as if dating in the USA 70 years ago, and it will be easier. Maybe the flirting on the trip will break him down.... have fun with it!

Mateo I am not being negative to your post, your post completely applies if her bf had American parents in Chicago, completely. That simply is not the case though and courting is something considered quite sacred over there. Here it is not.

Possibly you don't realize what an outcast they would be considered if they were to show affection, but in either case I am 99% sure that is why he is insistant on her understanding her place while abroad. Mateo welcome to the forums! Don't worry the Mango is a cool guy His wife is Thai also, so there is a bit more insight on the subject of dating while there. He was being helpful and telling her to have a good time

[daasayse]

Well Stacker, that is why I am a Thai-american who will not be taking a trip to Thailand anytime soon. *lol*

Maybe it is just me, but telling somebody to conceal who they are to have a good time doesn't settle well. This matter hits close to home.

My family has always expected me to be quiet about my sexual orientation; they do not want me telling other Thais. This really offended me because it isn't like I go around shouting on the top of my lungs what I am anyway.

However, I am not going to hide a boyfriend of mine, if I ever have one, or deny who I am if a Thai person asks. I am not going to deny it just to please my parents. I really hate traditions that people try to shove down your throat just to make everybody happy.

I would love to go to Thailand, but as of right now I am not going to change who I am just to please everybody and be respectful. It is true when you go to different countries, there are just things you don't do.. but I am not a wild person anyway and when I travel to Europe, nobody has a problem with me.

At first I thought I was thinking from just an American perspective, but I am glad that you understand Paul_au.

[Vulkanevsel]

Quote[/b] (Mateo @ Oct. 19 2004,12:14)] Originally Posted by [b Quote[/b] (mangomike @ Oct. 19 2004,04:04)]I have not heard of this social custom so I can not say whether it is true or not.
However, the Thais' respect their parents more than they do in the west so just accept your boyfriends' mothers' decision.
Does it make that big of a difference whether you're introduced as a friend or girlfriend ? Mai pen rai.

Thai people are very friendly and accepting, it won't matter to them which way you're introduced they will welcome you with open arms.
Don't go there all upset about a minor detail.
Dry your eyes and be happy that you're going to Thailand with the boyfriend and his family. After all, you're going to the "Land of Smiles", don't be the only one without one.

Man, I don't even know how to respond to your post. To me, that was kind of heartless. It is like you are telling her to suck it up. To be truthful, that's exactly what i was telling her. It was an unbiased, unemotional opinion based on my knowledge of Thai customs.
Dating, b/f-g/f relationships are far different in Thailand as they are in the west.
I suggest you read khun stackers post as he goes into a little more detail about Thai relationships than I did.
Perhaps that's why there is a misunderstanding.
In western society, it's all about the individual. In Thai society, parents, elders, and people of higher social standing are respected.
To help you gain a little more understanding of Thai culture I suggest you go to http://www.1stopchiangmai.com
Scroll down to "CULTURE VULTURE" on the right and click on Thai etiquette.

The purpose of forums is to discuss and share opinions, not to flame people or belittle their views.
I would hope that we all can participate in a mature and responsible manner.

jai yen yen = cool heart

[Gometesstem]

From High Point NC??

I can understand your viewpoint being in America, there is quite a gay community in Thailand you would not be discriminated as much against there as you are in NC I asure you of that. There are no rednecks in Bkk lol

Paul is a bit off base in regards to respecting the culture quite often, no offense Paul but you can't deny that at one point or another you have offended everyone here.

I don't view it so much as traditions being shoved down a throat though. I mean you still remove your shoes prior to entering a home? You wash your hands before you grab the rice? You refer to your elders as luung? This is simply another part of the culture the way I see it, and I am American.
I understand about Europe, I agree. But we that is the Western wolrd, quite different from any Eastern country as you well know. She is likely planning a long term relationship, I would not do something to offend my future in-laws before we are even married. But after the wedding have at it girl lol!

In either case it is nice to see we have new members who show the respect to have an adult conversation, and maybe even consider it a debate, without flaming another for no reason.

[daasayse]

Quote[/b] ]The purpose of forums is to discuss and share opinions, not to flame people or belittle their views.
I would hope that we all can participate in a mature and responsible manner.

I don't think I was flaming or belitting your views, unless you were refering to somebody else? However, if I did I apologize. It is just that I get really steamed when somebody says something that I have first-hand experience with. It wasn't a pleasant experience to hear somebody tell you that you have to conform all your life just to make others happy.

Stacker, I'm from Goldsboro. I know plenty of Thais from High Point though.

[Gometesstem]

My brother in-law is from High Point

[Vulkanevsel]

I'm not going to go wildly off topic and debate other peoples views. If blonde 18 was meeting her b/f family in America my response would have been totally different.
She's going to a different country with a different culture and different values.


In Thailand, it's not "everbody do your own thing"
What i suggest you do blonde 18 is to go with the flow this first time you meet your b/f family in Thailand. If you insist on having your way you risk losing the respect of your potential mother in-law and the breaking up of your current relationship.
If your relatationship continues and you happen to go to Thailand a second time I'm sure you'll be proudly introduced as his girlfriend.

[Gometesstem]

As a matter of fact you will probably be called his girlfriend by his parents before you leave so long as you respect the introductory times as asked.

Remember above I said consider it like dating 70 years ago in the US? The Thai demands as Mateo pointed out are a few decades behind Western standards of what is acceptable. So basically to go about it with the Thai family following Western standards is like forcing the Thai culture into the future right?

So picture forcing the American culture into the future. Would you come home today and say the same thing you would in 30 years? Would you come home and say this is the guy I am sleeping with? No it is just wrong to force people into a standard that is simply not accepted. Simple comparison :

[snova]

Blonde18 has been with the same guy for two years and he has not mentioned her to his parents, why? Perhaps his parents do not want their son to marry a non-Thai. That's why he would not introduce her to his parents as his girlfriend because he does not want to go against his parents' wishes. Especially if the Thai parents are rich and members of hi-so in Thailand. They would want their grandchildren to be 100% Thai. I would not be surprised that if the boyfriend had a choice, he would leave Blonde18 at home and go to Thailand alone without her. Sorry for being so harsh, but it's reality. I have seen similar situations before.

[EscaCsamas]

Really, people. It is not up to you to pass judgement on these people.

And who are you to try change Thai culture?

Thailand has to move into the 21st century? Why? Because you said so?

I for one hope Thailand never change. The culture and the people are marvellous the way they are.

We have our way of doing things, they have theirs. It is not up to anyone here to say what is right or wrong, how things should and should not be.

I know I come off with a cheeky tone here, and I tried to tone it down, but I feel my points are still valid.

[bawayTeen]

I love the people who say Thailand has to move into the 21st century.for thailand that would be going back in time as the year in thailand is the year 2547 !!!!!!! My advice for blonde is to go to Thailand,enjoy yourself and see what hapens,do not pay attention to negative posts.Thailand and thai culture is very different to western countries,many people who have been on holiday 1 or 2 times think they are experts on thailand.I have been maried to a thai for 11 years now and there is still so much for me to learn.

[daasayse]

Quote[/b] (tacomodo @ Oct. 21 2004,00:35)]Really, people. It is not up to you to pass judgement on these people.

And who are you to try change Thai culture?

Thailand has to move into the 21st century? Why? Because you said so?

I for one hope Thailand never change. The culture and the people are marvellous the way they are.

We have our way of doing things, they have theirs. It is not up to anyone here to say what is right or wrong, how things should and should not be.

I know I come off with a cheeky tone here, and I tried to tone it down, but I feel my points are still valid.

I don't recall anybody saying Thailand had to change its culture for it to be acceptable to a person of the Western world, so you better calm your nerves down.

I gave her my opinion on the situation from my point of view. Provided I did not grow up in Thailand, I grew up around plenty of Thais to understand where she is coming from and the hurt she is feeling.

Speaking personally, I never said I wanted the Thai culture to change. However, I don't plan on going there... so there won't be a problem.

If Blonde wants to go to Thailand, she is going to hafta suck up how she feels to make everybody else happy. That is factual. However, I am sympathizing with her and letting her know that her pain is valid. edited#'YOU ARE KWAI to' anybody who says otherwise.

EDIT: Hehe, yes.. I did get upset.