[GreefeWrereon]

Hey there everybody,

I want to apologize to anybody that I have offended or might have offended in the past. Last year I have fought a gruelling battle with myself and no difference does it make that I have won; I am exhausted from it.

I had issues - related to family, related to my past related to life in general.
I lived in the past, dwelling on bad choices I made, broken dreams, fears of what the future might bring.
I decided I cant live any longer like this - no one should - life's just simply too damn short. No more living in the past, fearing the future; I live for today now........
It has affected every aspect of my life and in the end destroyed the 2 things most important in my life: My gf's happiness and my own......

When this hit me - I knew I had no choice but to seize the moment and turn life around. I did it.............the final fork in the road.............now I continue my journey.

All this had no good influence on my kendo either......I am ashamed of this.
I joined a dojo and started kendo nearly a year ago. Had 4 months of kendo, received my bogu in may this year and used it properly for the first time last month! I just couldnt go to practice with an empty mind.
I did go to the Dutch Championships in Nov and helped out keeping scores etc. The least I could do for the club after my absence.

I set a goal for myself. In june theres Kyu champs around here and I want to participate. I will give it all I got. I just need a little time to catch my breath and have my feet back on the ground again.
I barely can make it through the end of practice - I want to be up and running by the end of this year.
Any one here can help me out what I may do to be fit enough by June?

Once again.........sorry for being a jerk..........


Sebastian

[h0ldem]

Hey dude, glad you're back on track, i'll let the more experienced give you tips about your question. Don't forget to talk about it with your sensei.

[casinoboneerer]

One thing I insist on is my students forgetting 'outside influences' when they train. A lot of them are university students and come exam time are under a lot of pressure, so I tell them to come down, even if its just for one session a week, to 'chill out' away the exam swatting times. I usually give them really hard exercises to try and do, as this totally absorbs the mind and relaxes them a lot. For you, I'd ask to do round robin fencing (the winner stays in and random people attack you. I would let you win every time to burn you out). Dont do this too long though as its a killer... Also do an extended zazen before everyone else turns up, and only think about your kendo practise if you cant 'blank out'. If there are techniques you struggle with, now is the time to give them a good review...

[darieBarexish]

Don't be to hard on yourself s*** happens!
June is a full 6 months away. Showing up for every kendo practice at your dojo should be enough to get yourself into shape. If you want an added edge a little xtraining (do a search on this forum) will get you there a little faster.

[tutkarussia]

My sensei told me that winning is not important. Do YOUR Kendo and do your best. It's better to lose and to learn from it than to win and become complacent and or arrogant. Your stamina shouldn't really be a problem since your match is only going to be 2 or 3 mins depending on the format. Train and enjoy yourself!

[zibTefapparia]

Kendo is my one chance to get away from everything, at least until my frigging cell phone rings and snaps me back out...

Most of us here are "adult" beginners who do kendo as a HOBBY. Make it a point to get to every practice and don't let yourself coast through practice. When you are tired, do kirikaeshi. When you're bummed out, do kagarigeiko. Try as hard as you CAN and kendo will be a good part of your life...

Competitions can be fun. They are fun when you decide what your objective for attending them is. I know I will NEVER win a real competition. I could care less. I'm happy if I make it out of the round robin. I'm also happy to look on as the better players win the tournament and try to learn something from them. It's just a question of setting correct goals. They should not be EASY to reach but they should be FEASIBLE.

The worth of these lines is probably less than the standard 2 cents but see if they fit and, if not, figure out why not. If nothing else, it's always easier to focus when you have something to look at for reference...

[chujwduperjadzi]

To Sebastian,
I think the fact that you are engaging in the process of self-reflection should not be understated.
I feel that this can speak volumes about a person's character, and potential.
I know many people, some of whom even belong to my own family, who lack this simple yet in my opinion, vital trait.
So kudos to you! both on your desire to set positive goals for yourself, and your obvious desire to move forward and grow.

With respect to Kendo,
I can relate somewhat to what you are going through, in that the month of December will mark my own year long entry into the realm of Kendo, and it is at this time where I had to do some serious reflection and decision making of my own.
My efforts during this year in the area of my growth in Kendo have had their ups and downs, discoveries and disappointments. (mainly in the form of ego busting.)
At this stage, I need to ask myself:
Is Kendo for me going to be a lifelong commitment, or is this going to be merely a "hobby" for me?
I say this because I have many other interests and responsibilities in my life, so much so that if I really pursue them all, I would not REALLY achieve much advancement in any of them. (As the Zen saying goes, one cannot do multiple things at the same time with complete and full mindfulness.)

So I am left with the problem:
Do I continue down that path of trying to juggle many interests, or do I simplify them and focus wholeheartedly on only a very few or one?
After much deep and grueling thought on the subject, I was reminded of a question recently posed by my Sensei at our Christmas party last week.
As I stood up before everyone, I had to answer: Why did you start Kendo?

The question itself caught me by surprise, but my answer was yet more surprising to me:
I began Kendo to challenge myself--and to become a better person.
It sounds like a great answer, and I did mean it, but later, I really had to think hard on what the real meaning.
The reason why I'm not as good as I want to be (besides time) is perhaps that I am getting from Kendo exactly what I put into it.
My wife added something to the process which really sort of hit home like a ton of Men cuts as well;
She said to me that "If you don't practice Kendo with the most serious mind and intentions, and do it everyday, then you might as well call it a hobby and along with it call yourself a backyard Ninjer because that's how you'll be seen. (She is familiar with the term by now.)
In any case..Ouch! Truth has a way of stinging in it's brusqueness, but I am certain my Senseis would undoubtedly agree with that.

My decision has became much more clearer to me.
I have decided to pursue my Kendo studies with the most complete focus and dedication I can muster, to the exclusion of other activities which I may find more fun or easier, but in truth, I realize that these other distratctions are in reality only obstacles popping up to prevent me from becoming that "better person" I often envision.

With that, I've been inspired by Mingshi's advise on 1000 Suburi a day, starting today. This, combined with a renewed spirit to do my best, and to earnestly learn and practice daily what my Senseis and Dojomates so generously give to me.

So all in all, Sebastian,
I offer that you are not alone in your desire to become a better person, nor are you alone in your spirit to set your mind in motion for better things, and dare I say it, striving for some level of excellence.

In the spirit of friendship,
from one big jerk to another,
-Kenzan


P.s.
I have been keeping a journal of my experience, which can be found here:
You'll note that the months of October to now are conspicuously missing.
This is further proof that my mind was not focused on the things that were important to me.
Starting TODAY, IT'S GO TIME!


I wish you all the best on your journey.

[satthackacibe]

Thanks for all your kind words.........and Kenzan, your sig is SO true......

I did the wrong things, and should have done things which I simply couldnt manage at the time.
I was in search for answers to which the questions were long lost.......this silly quest and the misery inside me drove away the love of my life.

She has been the one that kept me going through times I would have given up on; I just never showed her properly.
I was unhappy, bad karma haunting me my entire life, I lost my self esteem untill I failed to believe she loved me back.
The day after we broke up she opened my eyes, she gave me an answer to all possible questions with an open heart and a few simple words.

"I have never loved anyone as much as I love you"

It werent the words, it was the true feeling behind them I felt, which I failed to see since a while. Through her tears, she lit up, smiled, and spoke them......

It made me realize more than I could ever expect...........in the end it was such a simple remedy to what caused so much misery......

I need to stop rationalizing (made worst decisions in life like this) and follow my heart like I once used to. No place in Kendo to think (yes Ignatz you were right all along) and for me I should stop overthinking anything in life in general.

I dont want to be the best person in the world, I just want to be good enough for me and the loved ones around me.
Next time I pick up my shinai in practise, it will be with an open mind and my kendo will come from my heart...........like anyting else I will do from now on..............

-Sebastian-

[Bugamerka]

I don't remember you being offensive or generally a jerk, but I have huge respect for anyone who stands up and they were wrong.

I can associate on the girlfriend thing as well, sometimes we just never realise how much people mean to us until we've pushed them too far away...

I don't want to be the best person in the world, I just want to be good enough for me and the loved ones around me.
Next time I pick up my shinai in practise, it will be with an open mind and my kendo will come from my heart...........like anything else I will do from now on.............. I think if we all tried to live like this, we'd all be a lot happier...

[zlopikanikanza]

I can associate on the girlfriend thing as well, sometimes we just never realise how much people mean to us until we've pushed them too far away...

....I actually didnt realize how much I meant to her.......and appearently still do......

[Gromiaaborn]

Sebastian, congrats on facing up to your issues

Id suggest you go get some counselling for the issues outside kendo - sometimes its so much better to dump your woes on someone whose being paid to listen :-)

Kendo wont cure you of anything, nor is is it guaranteed to help you deal with your feelings related to things outside the dojo

However - if as Chidokan said - you can put those issue aside & focus, then you will do better kendo. Following that can some better self esteem. Now that CAN help you with issues outside the dojo

also theres the very significant positive of being part of a special community (of cross dressing psychos, who beat the crap out of each other then get drunk together ;-)

Bottom line - Just try to do good kendo. I think that everything thats good about kendo itself stems from this

best of luck in 2007

[Unoloknovagog]

....I actually didnt realize how much I meant to her.......and appearently still do......

Not to intrude on your personal life but i guess according to what you said here, your relationship can still be saved.

Hey Phil can i borrow that "cross dressing psycho" description?

[Phassetus]

....I actually didnt realize how much I meant to her.......and appearently still do......

so maybe theres chance of you and your lady getting back together if you can sort your "issues" out ask her for her help and make a positive attempt to stick to any agreements reached
you cannot make a major life change alone you will need support, who better than someone who still cares about not only you as a person but you as a couple

[Marat]

Good to be hearing from you again Sebastian.

Self reflection and awareness is the first step to the path of healing, now you need to follow the path of healing which can be a long proces.

I myself am going thru something similair currently and yes kendo helps me alot because as you progress you feel you have achieved something.

I'm at this point that I'm progressing in my kendo learning alot of things seeing alot of things being able to grasp many techniques which weren't understandable of able for me to perform.

In this kendo is alot like life, you learn how to act in certain situations and how you as a person performs the best under certain circomstances. Your fellow kendoka's will be pushing you to your limits all the time and not giving you much slack, in this teaching you where your boundries are which then will be valuable lessons in life.

Good luck in finding your path, I hope you'll have a long and happy life with your girlfriend.

[JeremyIV]

Any one here can help me out what I may do to be fit enough by June?

Once again.........sorry for being a jerk..........


Sebastian

Kendo will always be there. It's not there to ruin your life.
So, take time off kendo if need be.