[pGJLweEw]

http://www.tuckermax.com

Man, this has got me laughing so hard for the past few days the maids think I'm mad (not my usual drunken state but the insane kind). This dude is so un-PC he's my new hero.

here's an excerpt:

1) The Pee Blame
The Pee Blame

When I was visiting Austin, I met some frat guys at the University of Texas. They were pretty cool (read: they worshiped me), so one weekend I accepted an invite to a party they were throwing.

Let me explain something to all of you out there who didn't go to college: The easiest place to get laid on earth (without paying) is an American college campus. And the easiest place on a college campus to get laid is a frat party. You don't need ANY game to get laid at a frat party. You generally don't need much game to pick up 18-21 year old girls anyway, but college frat parties are ridiculous. It's like a clearance sale in the pussy aisle at the hook-up store; Everything Must Go! No Reasonable Offer Refused!

One girl in particular drove this point home for me. Towards the end of the night, I was walking to the bathroom to urinate, when I saw a girl I had been talking to earlier. I called her over to me and explained my problem, "I'm drunk and can't undo my jeans. I need to get them off or I'll pee in my pants."

I fully expected her to look at me like I had just told her to kick a kitten into a wood chipper. I mean come on--who would buy that stupid line?

A drunk college girl at a frat party, that's who.

She laughed, remembered my name from earlier, told me I was cute, and undid my jeans for me. Well...fuck me, it's time to push it. After all, the only way to see how far she'll go is to ask, "Will you hold it for me; I'm going to pee on my hands if I try to do it."

Laughing again, she led me into the bathroom, and though she declined to actually hold my penis while I pissed, she did stand behind me, hold my hips and say, "I'll stand here and be a spotter for you."

Tucker being Tucker, I decide to test her spotter skills. I pissed on the wall to the right side of the urinal, and she laughed and said, "Move left." I shifted all the way to the left, and pissed on the wall to the left of the urinal. She giggled and kind of nudged my hips so that I peed in the urinal. Meanwhile, she checked out my package the whole time; I guess this was our foreplay.

She then zipped my jeans back up, being considerate and observant enough to make sure not to catch my penis in the zipper, and we got another beer together. I honestly don't remember what I said to her over the next ten minutes, but it ended with, "Let's get out of here," and her following me home. I was only staying a block away from the frat house, so this worked out well, as my driving skills at this point would have been about equivalent to a narcoleptic chimp.

At my place, clothes come off and fucking starts. I am completely shit-housed drunk AND wearing a condom...yeeeah, Tucker is not coming tonight. I had a hard-on, but Jenna Jameson on prison-quality crystal meth wouldn't have had enough energy and skill to get me off.

I started to slow down because I wasn't going to come and I was tired and drunk, but she was into it, and told me to keep going. What? Fine, I go for another 5 minutes, get bored and stop...and AGAIN she tells me to keep going because she is close.

Well thanks bitch--I'M NOT.

I start pumping again, but the situation quickly becomes intolerable: I can't feel anything, the latex is chafing and hot, and I am so drunk I am about to vomit. Without any other options, I do something I have never done before, and honestly didn't even think guys could do:

I faked it.

I swear to all I find holy (i.e. open bars, hot women and money I don't have to work for), I pumped real hard for ten seconds and then collapsed. She kind of let out a sigh, and said she wished I had kept going because she was almost there. I started laughing, "Yeah, well my penis has a mind of its own." We both pass out, me giggling to myself about how sneaky I am.

The next morning I wake up completely covered in urine. I know it's urine because it SMELLS. I know it's me because my side of the bed is soaked, and she is on the other side of the bed and only slightly wet on her side, not her crotch.

[The irony of this is revolting. Not even two months earlier, a girl peed in my bed and I made fun of her ruthlessly for it. Yes the gods of alcohol obviously have a sense of humor, and yes they are using it to mock me.]

My bed is completely fucked up. There is piss everywhere. What do I do? Do I just accept the fact that I am an incontinent buffoon who wets his bed?

No. I decide to stand against the gods, to deny them pleasure at my expense and to change their bankrupt prophecy. Tucker Max does not bow to fate.

I get up and change my clothes, throwing my piss stained t-shirt into the washer. I delicately roll her onto my side of the bed, the urine-soaked side, and then pour some lukewarm water on her crotch. As I do this, she starts waking up, so I shake her to confuse her and yell, "Wake up. WAKE UP!"

She slowly wakes up, looks around, and is obviously still drunk. Before she can even process what is going on I tell her to look down. She sees the massive dark stain and feels her wet shirt (We both had shirts on, as we were too drunk/horny to fully disrobe before fucking). I help her out in case she is still confused:

Tucker "You fucking pissed my bed. You PISSED in my BED."
Girl "What?" She reached down and touched the sheets, "OH MY GOD!"
Tucker "Why would you do this? Could you not find the toilet?"
Girl "No...I...this never...I've never...oh dear god!"
Tucker "God is not going to clean this piss up."
Girl "I'm so sorry, I've never...I can't believe I was that drunk. I am so embarrassed."
Tucker "No shit. I'd be embarrassed too if I pissed in someone's bed."

I got up and went to the bathroom because I just couldn't hold in my laughter anymore. I came back to my bedroom and she was standing there, in utter disbelief, staring at the bed, nearly in tears. She turns to me and says,

"I can't believe I drank that much last night...I still have to pee right now! How could I pee all that out in my sleep and still need to pee more in the morning???"

I almost lost it again. I had to leave the room, pretending to be in anger but nearly biting through my hand to suppress the laughter. I got into the shower and laughed for a good ten minutes while in there.

When I got out she had already stripped the sheets and put them in the washer, on top of my piss clothes that she didn't notice. She apologized about 100 times, wrote me a check for a new mattress, and then got out of my place as soon as she could. Predictably, she did not leave a number.

I nearly framed the check. I didn't cash it because even I have limits on how much I will exploit someone. I took all her dignity, I didn't need her money too.

2) Homeless people are good for something
So today I am eating breakfast at Phillipe's, a famous spot in LA. I go to the bathroom to piss, and all the urinals are occupied so I have to use a stall. As I am pissing someone calls me and instead of just waiting till I was done like a normal person, I fumble with my cell...and drop my car keys right into the toilet bowl.

I stood there for a good ten seconds contemplating what the fuck I had done. Not only was my piss in the bowl, the water was yellow when I got there...and there were shit marks on the side of the bowl.

FUCK.

I momentarily contemplated just ditching it and buying a new car, but even though I am doing well financially, I'm not doing anywhere near that great. Well what the fuck do I do now? I am not putting my hand in there. Then it popped into my head:

I went a block away to where I had seen a bunch of homeless people hanging out (LA is crawling with disgusting vagrants) and walked up to a group of them:

Tucker "Any of you want to make ten dollars? All you have to do is get my keys out of the toilet at Phillipes."

They kinda stood there staring at me for a minute, then one of them agreed and followed me to the bathroom.

When he saw the toilet, he paused and said, "Do you have the money?" I produced the cash and without missing a beat he reached into the yellowish brown water like it was a mountain spring and grabbed them. He tried to hand them to me:

Tucker "What the fuck? Put them in the sink."

He placed them under the faucet, I gave him the money and he left. Then I let the water run over them for five minutes, got a cup of bleach from the busboy, and let them soak while I ate.

This was the only time in my life I have ever been happy that homeless people exist.

**************************************************
Enjoi

[ansarigf]

I posted a link to this a while back... the buttsex story takes the cake.

[Petwrenny]

I posted a link to this a while back... the buttsex story takes the cake.

Buttsecks? hehehe