[virtuah]

Hello, everyone. My name describes me pretty well. About a year ago I suffered from my first existential crisis while going over Existentialism in English. Funny. A whole 18 years of being spiritual were gone in 2 weeks. I don't know if anyone else here has succumbed to an Existential crisis, but its one of the worst feelings I could fathom.

I no longer feel peace. I tried going back to my old spirituality (just a belief in an order and supernatural things Science hasn't considered, like ghosts and astral travel etc etc etc.) but it was too late. It made no sense anymore. Life makes no sense anymore. Worst of all, I've come to realize I will die someday and that scares me. Nonexistence scares me. I feel trapped in a body doomed to rot. Like if you were stuck inside a reckless car with no driver heading towards a 1000 foot fall.

Existence isn't much better either. It seems absurd, mortal, stupid. Even though I'm not even 20, i feel like an old man, and even though people surround me, i feel completely alone. Everything i do is out of fear of death, like i NEED to do things. Time is running out for me. I don't know
I guess im just scared of looking inside and finding this big, black void that is eternal. I don't trust life. I don't trust people.

I don't trust my own self. I've had enough. This is horrible. If i have to be annihilated by a black void to end this fearful dilemma, then i will look inside. I'm here to take on a spiritual journey, if it means the end of me. Any help will be appreciated.

[orillaVar]

Hello ScaredOne

Welcome to BWB!

I've moved your post from the welcome area to the beginners forum.

Thank you for introducing yourself.

Please don't worry too much. It seems as though you have started to understand that human life, like all conditioned phenomena, is impermanent (anicca). This doesn't need to be frightening at all when one just accepts that's the way it is for everyone.

You haven't said if you live with your parents or not, or if you have a job. How do you spend your time every day at the moment ?

If you are interested in Buddhism it might also be a good idea to see if there is a group in your area which you could join.

with kind wishes

Aloka

[BliliBoopsy]

I don't trust my own self. I've had enough. This is horrible. If i have to be annihilated by a black void to end this fearful dilemma, then i will look inside. I'm here to take on a spiritual journey, if it means the end of me. Any help will be appreciated.

hi friend

if your post is genuine then meditation is the start of the journey; simply observing our natural breathing, until the mind feels peace

when the mind feels genuine peace, the existential nightmare will end forever

peace does exist because those that have experienced what you described in your post have also found peace

every form of suffering & lack of happiness is created by the mind's thinking & can be resolved by the mind's change of focus

kind regards

element

[colmedindustry]

What Element said. Also, if death truly is an annihilation then there will be no one to look into the big black void. It would be like what it was like before you were born.

[tgs]

Scaredone,

Don't feel alone, we're all in this together, take good care,

Gary

[kasandrasikl]

I'm an art student. I'll be living with my mother for a year or two while i get my first degree. I spend my day building the IKEA furniture we bought for the new apartment. I dwell in silence whenever i feel brave enough.

I listen to Alan Watts like my life depends on it. I play a little guitar, and im practicing in harmonica. I'll get a new one in the mail specially made for classical music. I watch movies and play videogames at night. I run about 7 miles a day. I draw and sketch whenever i feel like it but I'm trying to make it a habit to draw every day. I used to write stories but i no longer feel like it. I've painted several paintings and sold some of them. I like solitude. I feel safe when I'm alone, rather than lonely. I feel the loneliest when I'm around people.

There's a temple in a suburban house about 5 miles away from where i live. After we settle down and everything is in order, I'll walk down there, preferably every Sunday, like mass in a church. I listen to techno music and classical, and I always get happy when the both are combined. Jazz is also enjoyable for me. I suffer from panic attacks sometimes but I've had that since i was a kid. They don't have a big effect on me at all anymore.

Here's a list of my spiritual experiences so far:

1). i woke up one morning and found out i wasn't in my body. i felt as if i was rather an ever expanding no-thing. colors and shapes were seen. but no one to look at them. weird. time had no sense. it could've lasted a split second or an eternity. i don't know.
2). riding the bus, i forgot about the past and the future for a split second. judgement regarding time was dropped completely.
3). i felt the back of my head while sitting down watching tv. suddenly, my awareness wasn't in my head anymore, but my head was in awareness.
4). i sat in deep silence for a minute or so. silence had this endless, boundless property of "no property or characteristic." it felt perfectly still yet overflowing. its hard to describe something which doesn't have an appearance or sound. thats as best as i can do.
5). in a car ride, i suddenly felt like my five senses and mind were a prison for me. it felt claustrophobic and stuffy to be sensing these things. disappearing in silence felt like "heaven" or like an "ahhhhhhhh" compared to the senses i was perceiving.

Those are my main experiences. they have been occurring in flukes and i have no control over having them or not. they have also become more frequent. Whether they mean something or not, you know more than i do.

I've read about half of the Platform Sutra. I've seen some youtube videos where monks and some other people who practice talk about an "unborn nature". I don't know anything of this "unborn nature" and can't fathom it. they call it unfabricated, unmade, unbound, empty light sometimes. I have no idea of what they are talking about, somehow, i feel like words don't help in understanding such a thing. somehow, i feel like trying to understand such a thing will only confuse me.

[egexgfczc]

buddhism explains the existential constructs that make up subjective reality, including the sense of 'self', are conditioned thought phenomena. so whatever mental conditioning, i.e., the perceived solidity, which make up existential constructs & definitions, can certainly cease, both temporarily & permanently

thus mind can have a sense of 'being'; mind can cease to have a sense of 'being'; mind can dwell in a solid definition of identity & reality; mind can cease to dwell in a solid definition of identity & reality; mind can enter into unconditioned & boundless awareness, without any thought constructions of property or characteristics

spontaneous experiences of the unconditioned mind can give rise to fear. but if such silence feels like 'heaven' then all the better

from the point of view of buddhism, the ideal is to be able to consciously cultivate unconditioned awareness, so it is under the control of the mind & brings a stable peace. in buddhist meditation, one makes unconditioned mind the norm (rather than something illusive, mysterious, not fully understood, etc)

regards

***

[codespokerbonus]

Those are my main experiences. they have been occurring in flukes and i have no control over having them or not. they have also become more frequent. Whether they mean something or not, you know more than i do.

Hello again,

Thank you for your second post. I do hope you don't mind me asking this, but have you ever taken recreational drugs/smoked cannabis at all ?

.

[Afigenatjola]

no, I've been sober all throughout.

I do have this sense of there being a watcher or WATCHING before i came to be the watcher (before i was born as a person) but i don't know if it's just me imagining things. Silence IS a main presence in most experiences i have.

thank you, guys, for the advice.

[leadmoffer]

Hi ScaredOne

Sometimes I feel we can spend too much time looking for meaning or holding onto our experiences. I wonder if some simple relaxation excercises may help? Do you meditate? Buddhist practice can lead us to find solace in simply letting go of worries and concerns. There is also an emphasis on living in the here and now, rather than looking at the past or future which can also cause problems in our minds.

If you are really feeling overwhelmed by life, it may be a good idea to talk to your Doctor or GP about it.

Please take care.

[iOqedeyH]

Hello, everyone. My name describes me pretty well. About a year ago I suffered from my first existential crisis while going over Existentialism in English. Funny. A whole 18 years of being spiritual were gone in 2 weeks. I don't know if anyone else here has succumbed to an Existential crisis, but its one of the worst feelings I could fathom.

I no longer feel peace. I tried going back to my old spirituality (just a belief in an order and supernatural things Science hasn't considered, like ghosts and astral travel etc etc etc.) but it was too late. It made no sense anymore. Life makes no sense anymore. Worst of all, I've come to realize I will die someday and that scares me. Nonexistence scares me. I feel trapped in a body doomed to rot. Like if you were stuck inside a reckless car with no driver heading towards a 1000 foot fall.

Existence isn't much better either. It seems absurd, mortal, stupid. Even though I'm not even 20, i feel like an old man, and even though people surround me, i feel completely alone. Everything i do is out of fear of death, like i NEED to do things. Time is running out for me. I don't know
I guess im just scared of looking inside and finding this big, black void that is eternal. I don't trust life. I don't trust people.

I don't trust my own self. I've had enough. This is horrible. If i have to be annihilated by a black void to end this fearful dilemma, then i will look inside. I'm here to take on a spiritual journey, if it means the end of me. Any help will be appreciated.

I only read the quoted post. Is existential crisis something self diagnosed? If so, then there is a possibility that it is not existential crisis at all. Maybe you are just going through depression. I think the best thing you can do at the moment is talking to a qualified psychiatrist and getting treatment rather than conceptualizing your thought patterns and getting yourself stuck in the mud more and more.

[sanddrareyk]

Hello, everyone. My name describes me pretty well. About a year ago I suffered from my first existential crisis while going over Existentialism in English. Funny. A whole 18 years of being spiritual were gone in 2 weeks. I don't know if anyone else here has succumbed to an Existential crisis, but its one of the worst feelings I could fathom.

I don't know about anyone else, but anything I've done for 18 years doesn't tend to just walk away in 2 weeks. Views change maybe, and perhaps that is what scared you.

I no longer feel peace. I tried going back to my old spirituality (just a belief in an order and supernatural things Science hasn't considered, like ghosts and astral travel etc etc etc.) but it was too late. It made no sense anymore. Life makes no sense anymore. Worst of all, I've come to realize I will die someday and that scares me. Nonexistence scares me. I feel trapped in a body doomed to rot. Like if you were stuck inside a reckless car with no driver heading towards a 1000 foot fall.

It is okay for non-existence to scare you at first. The consciousness builds an entire network of identity based upon the fear of death.

Existence isn't much better either. It seems absurd, mortal, stupid. Even though I'm not even 20, i feel like an old man, and even though people surround me, i feel completely alone. Everything i do is out of fear of death, like i NEED to do things. Time is running out for me. I don't know
I guess im just scared of looking inside and finding this big, black void that is eternal. I don't trust life. I don't trust people.

Eh, that's kind of how it works. The consciousness is created, knows its time is limited, and works to attach itself to things whereby it can attempt to give itself a feeling of meaning and permanent existence. It's based around the idea that the consciousness is important to itself, and we make ourselves seem so damned important in the process.

Buddhism goes quite the other way. In fact, all valid spiritual paths go quite the other way, as they are based on breaking the bonds of attachment to this world.

I don't trust my own self. I've had enough. This is horrible. If i have to be annihilated by a black void to end this fearful dilemma, then i will look inside. I'm here to take on a spiritual journey, if it means the end of me. Any help will be appreciated.

Look inside anyway. You may find that the past two weeks were not an end to your spiritual journey, but another phase on the overall quest. The realization of suffering comes to everyone differently. How you react to it is what counts.

(And, just so you know, suicide is never the answer, and never has been. It simply does not work that way. So if you've thought about it, you've thought wrongly.)

[xtrudood]

Hello again Scared One,

I think its worth considering the advice you had from Jade Rabbit and Deshy - maybe it might be a good idea to have a chat to a health professional about your feelings and experiences.

with kind wishes

Aloka