[mtautomoscow]

I would like to ask my knowledgeable friends here for some help. I have recently come to understand and admit that my single biggest challenge is envy and jealousy. I don't have a problem with envy of material possessions and status symbols like jobs (I have occasional twinges for these things but they go quickly). My problem is envying people their attitudes- not caring if they inconvenience or hurt other people, worrying only about themselves, doing whatever makes them happy, etc. This is present of every aspect of my social interactions- at work, with my family and friends, other students at my school, people in general when I read the news.

Does anyone know of any suttas, discourses, etc dealing with envy? Or have personal experience with overcoming this emotion? I greatly appreciate any guidance you can give me.

With metta and thanks
monkey

[ticfarentibia]

My problem is envying people their attitudes- not caring if they inconvenience or hurt other people, worrying only about themselves, doing whatever makes them happy, etc. This is present of every aspect of my social interactions- at work, with my family and friends, other students at my school, people in general when I read the news.

Hi monkey,

I'm quite puzzled as to why you would envy people who don't care about inconveniencing or hurting others. Why would you envy attitudes like that ?

with kind wishes,

Aloka

[bestcigsnick]

Hi monkey,

I'm quite puzzled as to why you would envy people who don't care about inconveniencing or hurting others. Why would you envy attitudes like that ?

with kind wishes,

Aloka

Hi Aloka- I have a hard time explaining this even to myself. It's not that I envy their attitude, I certainly don't think it's okay to inconvenience or hurt others. I think it's more the freedom it seems to give them, that they seem to have no problem doing what they please. For example, my coworkers who have no problem letting me do more work. They are free to have a less stressful day, while I would feel guilty pawning work off on others.

As I have thought more and more about this I realize it's a complex problem. I think my envy is at the root; stemming from the fact that I try to be a good person and strive to help others. While other people are self absorbed and seem happier. Yes, I try to let go of my perceptions of others, but I am really stuck on this one.

I hope that makes more sense; sorry, as I said I am still confused on this myself.

With metta
monkey

[dianakroshXX]

Another example- I envy that my brother makes my parents happy. He has gotten married and recently had his first child. I know my parents are proud of my achievements and some of the things I have done with my life. However, I do not inspire the same joy in them that my brother does, though I am the one they (especially my mother) depend on for support. Again, I know this is an attachment, but I am stuck on it.

Sorry, I think I am having communication failure

[Xewksghy]

Hi Monkey I think I understand what you mean.I work with some people who think nothing of not working their contracted hours when the boss is away,they don't seem to have a conscience!I'm a big believer in Karma.I did used to feel pretty angry about how unfair it was,but convinced myself that if I kept my head down and worked hard it would pay off somehow.I then made a pact with myself that I would no longer hold grudges and so on because in reality I was only hurting myself.Now it does'nt bother me.I recently was offered a job promo,and to me,that says it all.People might seem to walk around with not a care in the world,but I believe they end up paying for it some way or another.

[rarpAcconavox]

Rather than envy, you seem to be describing resentment (āghāta).

Have a look at the following two Suttas:

AN 5.161 & AN 5.162

The Suttas are about how to address resentment and ill-will, the first through the brahmaviharas and the second through yoniso manasikāra. An extended treatment of them from Piya Tan is below - links go to .pdf files:

http://dharmafarer.org/wordpress/wp-...5.161-piya.pdf
http://dharmafarer.org/wordpress/wp-...5.162-piya.pdf

[whimpykid]

Hello again monkey, regarding your sutta query #1, it might be worthwhile looking at Mudita - Sympathetic joy - rejoicing in the success of others - which is one of the Four Sublime States (Brahma Viharas).

These are 1. Loving-kindness (metta), 2. Compassion (karuna), 3. Sympathetic Joy (mudita), 4. Equanimity (upekkha).


Here's Mettam Sutta SN 46.54

http://www.accesstoinsight.org/tipit...054x.wlsh.html


Oh - I didn't see Dave's post mentioning the Brahma Viharas when I was writing this - but I'll leave mine anyway.

[VitaliyMurnov]

It's not that I envy their attitude, I certainly don't think it's okay to inconvenience or hurt others. I think it's more the freedom it seems to give them, that they seem to have no problem doing what they please. For example, my coworkers who have no problem letting me do more work. They are free to have a less stressful day, while I would feel guilty pawning work off on others.

hi Monkey

very interesting thread here. i can only suggest to develop more self-acceptance & the recognition that your way is the way you must do things. in the end, you can only decide what is morally right by your own conscience

kind regards

[ricochettty]

Another example - I envy that my brother makes my parents happy. He has gotten married and recently had his first child. I know my parents are proud of my achievements and some of the things I have done with my life. However, I do not inspire the same joy in them that my brother does, though I am the one they (especially my mother) depend on for support.

Sure. Again, the issue rests with common views about what is more important & less important. It is common to regard accumulating possessions as more important than helping others. Thus, it is expected parents perceive getting married & having a family as more important then helping another. For example, if you told your parents you are going to ordain as a monk or nun in order to help people, they would probably faint.

Often in life, if you are a helping person rather than an acheiving person, you have do no something extremely helpful, like performing a miracle, to earn another's respect.

Work is worse. Being conscientious is often not appreciated. Commonly, only what you do for your boss is appreciated rather your work ethic. Generally, your boss appreciates you if you make them look good. Apart from that, they generally do not care. If you make them look bad, i.e., mention they did something incorrectly, they do not appreciate it.

***

[JeorgeNoxeref]

Hello Monky,

I think I can understand that feeling. Although not exactly the same situations, I have felt that mental torment when looking at people doing unwholesome actions seemingly being happier because of that. It is an issue I talk a lot with my boyfriend.

My advice is a humble one. Meditate. In addition to Anapanasati, I have started to explore Metta for my self so to cool the frustration that I feel looking this people behaving unwholesome giving a happy and relaxed image and then being imitated by others. I can't change that and the only thing is to keep doing what I think is the wholesome way of living in this planet. Meditation keeps mental fabrications cool and mental torment can be quenched.

[lzwha]

Thank you all for your helpful advice. It's good to know that others whom I respect can understand my viewpoint; that alone makes it easier to deal with.

I am continuing to work on my meditation practice and trying to let go of my expectations of others. It is just, as they say, a bitter pill to swallow that some of those people in my life simply do not understand my life goals. Your acceptance does, and as my sifu says, we have to eat bitter before we can taste the sweet.

[Filling25]

For example, if you told your parents you are going to ordain as a monk or nun in order to help people, they would probably faint.

Often in life, if you are a helping person rather than an acheiving person, you have do no something extremely helpful, like performing a miracle, to earn another's respect.

***

Quite right Element, they have a hard enough time trying to understand my basic beliefs like not eating meat and mediating.

Well, I guess there is something to be said for setting high goals

[DoctorQuquriramba]

Hi, Monkey!
Sometimes I feel like you but I don't think envy or jealousy would be the right terms to use, at least in my case. I try to go about my life doing as much good as I can (or at least, so little mischief as I can), and sometimes I have the feeling that people who are selfish, self-centered, double-faced or blasé about other people's feelings lead quite successful lives despite their ways. In my case it might be due to an overblown idea of justice, the fact that I naively think that just because you're good-natured you should lead a very fulfilled life and viceversa if your ethical system is low.

As to your brother, are you sure it's not a case of sibling rivalry? My elder brother has always been jealous of me and, believe me, I have NEVER done anything to make him feel like that. He thinks our parents and the rest of the world prefer me, he's jealous of any little success I could have but believe me, it's all in his mind. He has a difficult temper and can't relate easily with people, and is also unable to appreciate the little positive things in his life. He blames the rest of the world for his problems without realizing HE is a real poison to himself. But then, he thinks I am his biggest problem!

What I do when I feel resented or jealous or judgmental is to meditate, read cheerful books and focus more on developing myself rather than checking out to see if the grass is greener on my neighbour's garden. Then I choose to think that we all do the best we can with the knowledge we have. I'm rather happier to see things differently than they do, because deep down they're probably not as happy as they appear to us.

BE A LIGHT ONTO YOURSELF!

[HonjUopu]

The antidote to jealousy is sympathetic joy. You should try to be joyful for any success other people enjoy because they are just like you - also seeking happiness. This is something you should just try to get in the habit of doing - seeing others are exactly the same as your self and certainly not your rivals or competitors. Try practicing metta meditation and seeing the good in other people. Also, stop judging.