[FuXA8nQM]

Hello All.

I hope we are all enjoying our day and I also hope you might offer me some advice with a 'sticking point' in my attempts to practice.

I read a lot about compassion in Buddhism and of course I see that it is a wonderful thing and something the world needs more of. I regularly include a 10 minute 'befriending' meditation into my daily sitting where I bring kindness and loving wishes to myself and all other beings which feels like a really nice, positive thing to do. So-where is the problem in that?? Well, I have a person in my life who, through their childhood experiences, can be controlling and cold. I try to see this as their fear rather than mean behaviour but I had decided to distance myself from them emotionally because they have caused me some real pain in the past. Dilemma is that by distancing myself I feel I am not showing them compassion. I cannot distance myself physically from this person at the moment so an emotional 'wall' has been my defence against being hurt but how do we show all beings genuine compassion while also keeping ourselves safe...?

I didn't worry about it before as protecting myself seemed to be the logical thing to do but now every time I read about genuine compassion and metta I feel that I am not being a kind person and this worries me and is affecting my sittings as I find it going round my mind. Any advice you could give me, or links to what has been written on this subject-and of course other people's valuable experiences would be wonderful,

thank you and wishing you all happiness,

Joan:hug:

[KlaraNovikoffa]

Hi Joan, its good to hear from you again.

I think you're being rather hard on yourself. Its not always easy when one has experienced pain from negative relationships at one time or another. Relaxing and just accepting that you have some difficulties - and patiently continuing with the the practice of Metta which includes goodwill towards yourself and others without any particular expection of outcomes, would be good.

As far as feelings of guilt are concerned, I like what Ajahn Sumedho has to say in "Attending to the Here and Now" :


....I also hear people suffering a lot about things they’ve done or things they shouldn’t have done—mistakes, crimes, terrible things they said in the past. They can become obsessed because once they start remembering the mistakes of the past it creates a whole mood. All the guilty moments of the past can come flooding back in and destroy one’s life in the present. Many people end up stuck in a very miserable hell realm that they’ve created for themselves.

But this is all happening in the present, which is why this present moment is the door to liberation. It’s the gate to the Deathless. Awakening to this is not suppressing, denying, dismissing, defending, justifying, or blaming; it is what it is, attending to a memory. “This is a memory” is an honest statement. It’s not a dismissal of the thought, but it’s no longer regarding it with such personal attachment. Memories, when seen clearly, have no essence. They dissolve into thin air.

Try taking a guilty memory and deliberately sustaining it. Think of some terrible thing you’ve done in the past, then determine to keep it in your consciousness for five minutes. By trying to keep thinking about it, you will find how difficult it is to sustain. But when that same memory arises and you resist it or wallow in it or believe in it, then it can hang around the whole day.

A whole lifetime can be filled with guilt and remorse.

http://www.dhammatalks.net/Books3/Aj...re_and_Now.htm


Some advice from Pema Chodron about "Idiot Compassion" and abusive relationships:

http://www.shambhala.org/teachers/pema/qa5.php


...and a useful article from Ajahn Jayasaro about wisdom and compassion "Wings of the Eagle"

http://www.dhammatalks.net/Books5/Aj..._the_Eagle.htm


Hope that helps a little.


with kind wishes,

Aloka :hug:

[wrbwrbwrb]

Joan, I think Aloka's offerings are really beneficial (I found the extract from Ajahn Sumedho just what I needed myself - so thank you Aloka )

Compassion, for me, comes from our intentions - it's heart-felt. So, if I'm experiencing difficulties with someone, which is quite normal in the process of our life, I immediately consider the love, compassion that they need, irrespective of what their behaviour may be like at the time. I don't feel the need to tell them that is what I'm doing. Simply being aware that it is my intention seems right.

Something my teacher said to me comes to mind right now, "Do the best you can based on the wisdom you have now"

:hug:

[WapSaibian]

Aloka and Moonfeet thank you both SO much for your replies, your kind and soothing words and the links you gave me Aloka. Your comments really have helped me to put my feelings and actions into perspective.

Moonfeet your teacher's words are really helpful and remind me that in my job as a support worker with current and ex-drug users it is advice I often give to people who are beating themselves up about their past actions. It is strange sometimes how we can help and support others but not give those same breaks to ourselves-a valuable lesson to bear in mind for me today!

Thank you both again and I hope the rest of your day is happy,

Joan :hug: