[gvataler]

I want to eventually become a Buddhist, but I don't know if I can embrace not being attached to anything.

For example. I love my parents and my sister unconditionally and I am attached to them. I don't want to stop loving my parents and my sister and other family members. I don't understand how you can let go of attachments and still love in the same way.

I havn't meditated at all in days and I am not proud of that. I just had this dream one night (from what I remember) and this girl was in it. I wont go into too much detail but it had to do with not being alone. I am single and I was very emotionally attached to this girl. I woke up feeling like I will always want to be attached to the "girl of my dreams" and then I had doubts about me ever being able to embrace Buddhism enough to become a Buddhist. I honestly want to be attached to the concept of romance.

At the same time I want to practice Buddhism. I feel like I am contradicting myself. I just am a very emotional person and am struggling spiritually because of this inward confliction.

Thank you to anyone who has read this.

[Ervntewc]

Hi David,

Your post has many insightful questions about your life and the relationships in it. That talks about being a Buddhist. A good one.

Love is not the same as attachment. When there is love it is known that the loved object is not yours, do not belongs to your will but when it is attachment, the feeling is of ownership.

We all have loved ones and to be a Buddhist do not mean to be indifferent toward them.

To love means to take care of that object of love, to respect it, to know it, to respond toward it; but always knowing that she/he/it do not belongs to your will.

Romance is a kind of idealization of the object of love where you put what you want -or need- to see in it, but it is not true love because it lacks the condition of knowledge about the loved one.

And because it is illusory -as any delusion- it leads sooner or later, to unsatisfactoriness. To pain and suffering for you and the other one.

Love that girl as she is and not as you think she is; for that you need to know her well.

Be patient. Just try to breath for a few minutes. Feel at peace, and keep in your duties.

[LeaderBiz]

Thank you Kaarine. I will start meditating again tomorrow. Your post helped me a lot. I appreciate it. I did a little bit of deep breathing. I will start meditating earlier in the day and try to make it a habit. I always appreciate your advice.

[mymnarorump]

A lot of depth in there Kaarine

[xtrupoke]

Hi David,

Your post has many insightful questions about your life and the relationships in it. That talks about being a Buddhist. A good one.

Love is not the same as attachment. When there is love it is known that the loved object is not yours, do not belongs to your will but when it is attachment, the feeling is of ownership.

We all have loved ones and to be a Buddhist do not mean to be indifferent toward them.

To love means to take care of that object of love, to respect it, to know it, to respond toward it; but always knowing that she/he/it do not belongs to your will.

Romance is a kind of idealization of the object of love where you put what you want -or need- to see in it, but it is not true love because it lacks the condition of knowledge about the loved one.

And because it is illusory -as any delusion- it leads sooner or later, to unsatisfactoriness. To pain and suffering for you and the other one.

Love that girl as she is and not as you think she is; for that you need to know her well.

Be patient. Just try to breath for a few minutes. Feel at peace, and keep in your duties.

Lots of wisdom here in this thread - it takes time to get to know others, even online given time and enough different situations and conditions we get glimpses of each other - strengths, weaknesses and everything else in between.

[FYIbiatches]

Hi David,

Buddhism is not about detachment, at least not in the way you envision it to be. So, I would not worry about detachment right now, just worry about how to be the best human being you can be. As you grow, you will figure out what 'detachment' in Buddhism really means.

[Wmshyrga]

Hi David,

Kaarine has some great advice there for you

You sound awash with conflict... Don't panic! You don't have to have it all figured out today... One step at a time is just fine

Fee

[Avgustslim]

This is a good talk on the issue by Ajhan Jayasaro:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0KBdO...eature=related

[wMceqj7F]

I honestly want to be attached to the concept of romance.

Hi David,
I second that. It's never stopped me being a Buddhist. Yuan is right about it not being the way you envisage it. Right now you have some idealistic notion of what you would need to be in order to cut it as a Buddhist. Just dump all that - Buddhism isn't about being a squeaky-clean moralistic super-saint. This notion is already so perfect it doesn't need Buddha's teachings.

Buddhism is for real people, who make mistakes, get angry and mess up. Oh yeah, also meet girls, fall in love and have a life.

[MiniBoy]

My " attachment " to a person is slightly different to David002.

I was married for over 20 years and was asked for a divorce which came about. For some years I could not lose my "attachment" to this lady and was expecting her to knock on my house door which was never going to happen. I had to think hard about this and realised that I had to lose my attachment to the lady. I eventually persuaded myself and for the past two years I have been free of the attachment. With the help of some meditation and hard work I eventually obtained peace of mind and contentment. Kaarine's advice was spot on. Best wishes for the future.

Peace

Gerry

[Precturge]

Hello David,

I am only a beginner, but the way i understand it is that the only thing you need to lose attachment to is your ego which is the disease. Your attachment to people, ideas ...etc are merely the symptoms.

Good luck,
Bundokji

[buchmausar]

Tanha itself is the problem, not the object for which one has tanha...

[education]

This might be helpful ....




Attachment

by Ajahn Sumedho

"First, you must recognize what attachment is, and then you let go. That's when you realize non-attachment. However, if you're coming from the view that you shouldn't be attached, then that's still not it. The point is not to take a position against attachment, as if there were a commandment against it; the point is to observe. We ask the questions, "What is attachment?""Does being attached to things bring happiness or suffering?" Then we begin to have insight. We begin to see what attachment is, and then we can let go.

If you're coming from a high-minded position in which you think you shouldn't be attached to anything, then you comeup with ideas like, "Well, I can't be a Buddhist because I love my wife, because I'm attached to my wife. I love her, and I just can't let her go. I can't send her away." Those kinds of thoughts come from the view that youshouldn't be attached.

The recognition of attachment doesn't mean that you get rid of your wife. It means you free yourself from wrong views about yourself and your wife. Then you find thatthere's love there, but it's not attached. It's not distorting, clinging, and grasping. The empty mind is quite capable of caring about others and loving in the pure sense of love. But any attachment will alwaysdistort that.

If you love someone and then start grasping, things get complicated; then, what you love causes you pain".


continued: http://dharmagates.org/attachment_ajahn_sumedho.html



.

[adolfadsermens]

Thank you everyone for responding to my thread. I think I have read everything that was written, and I appreciate all of it. I think said that I would look at a video that soundtrack wanted me to see. I didn't look at it yet and I am sorry for that. I am not sure if he will read this.

But to get back to the message of this. The video about not being attached helped a lot. It is still hard for me to fully understand being completely without attachment. I read some more about it and it seems like not being attached is being one with existence? Or maybe being one with the universe? I am going to try to understand this better. I hope someone can maybe shed some light on me having a hard time understanding this deep teaching.

Thanks again to everyone that responded. Metta.

[unioneserry]

Hi David, 'attachment' or 'clinging' means that we hold onto things as being 'me' and 'mine'. We try to hold on to other people and various things in life thinking that they will bring us happiness. We can also be attached to our own views and opinions too. So we're constantly seeking exterior things to make us happy and then suffering mentally and emotionally because those things change in one way or another and are impermanent.

When we gradually learn to cling less, we begin to have more peace of mind and understanding, whilst still appreciating the world around us.

.

[yespkorg]

I think I understand what you mean. It is difficult for me to understand, but I think I understand it a little bit better. Thank you for the response.

[Dreaming]

Admin note

Off topic posts have been moved to a new thread "Is illusion caused by tanha".

[ivandiadser]

I want to eventually become a Buddhist, but I don't know if I can embrace not being attached to anything.

For example. I love my parents and my sister unconditionally and I am attached to them. I don't want to stop loving my parents and my sister and other family members. I don't understand how you can let go of attachments and still love in the same way.

I havn't meditated at all in days and I am not proud of that. I just had this dream one night (from what I remember) and this girl was in it. I wont go into too much detail but it had to do with not being alone. I am single and I was very emotionally attached to this girl. I woke up feeling like I will always want to be attached to the "girl of my dreams" and then I had doubts about me ever being able to embrace Buddhism enough to become a Buddhist. I honestly want to be attached to the concept of romance.

At the same time I want to practice Buddhism. I feel like I am contradicting myself. I just am a very emotional person and am struggling spiritually because of this inward confliction.

Thank you to anyone who has read this.

Buddhist practice is not about getting rid of one identity and acquiring a new one, is about getting to the heart of one's actual nature.

[intisgunkas]

We cannot detach things by ‘thinking’. Thinking that we will detach this thing, or that thing would not work. It is just thinking, not the real detachment. If we want to eat a delicious food, but we do not have sufficient money, so we decide not to buy it, this does not mean that we detach it. We still need and want to eat it and if we have sufficient money, we will buy and eat it. So, thinking is not the real detachment. What you are doing now is ‘thinking’ to detach things.

The detachment will come from a wisdom which we see the true status or conditions of those things that they are impermanent, suffering and not-self. So, we detach them by the wisdom which came from practicing, not thinking.

For example, if you hold a precious diamond in your hand, and you think (or I tell you to think) that it is just a useless and priceless stone and you should throw it away, would you release it from your hand? No, right? Because your mind fully knows that it is a precious diamond which is valuable to you and you should keep it for your benefits.

By another way, you do not think, but you test and see the real thing. You touch, see, smell and test the diamond in your hand and later you find out and truly accept that your mind is wrong. In fact, it is not a valuable jewel, but it is just a smelly and dirty shit. Will you still keep it in your hand or put it down? You will put it down unconditionally and automatically, right? This is because you have wisdom to see the truth. If you do not have your wisdom to see the truth by yourself, but I tell you or you try to think that it is shit, your mind will not be able to put it down.

So, the way to detach things is ‘not by thinking’, but to have ‘wisdom’ to see/know the truth of the things. Right now, we cannot attach the things because we do not have sufficient wisdom to detach them. We still feel and understand that they are precious and valuable. To way to have wisdom is to practice following the ways taught by the Buddha.