[pBiRXp8u]

As some of you know. I am new to Buddhism, so I guess this is the right forum where I should post this. I hope that what I have written does not offend anyone. I am very sorry if I will offend anyone. Please let me know if you think this is appropriate to share. I just felt like I needed to write this out. I don't like dealing with negative emotions. In hindsight i'm not sure if I should have posted this, but I am going to leave it up hoping someone can relate.

I want to tell you guys about something that is really bothering me. I can't think of a better place to express what i'm feeling than a Buddhist website. To explain what i'm feeling I think I need to start off by explaining some background of why I feel the way I do.

When I was born my dad was a Protestant Christian Minister. He was a United Methodist Minister. I grew up for the most part as a preachers kid. I was taught about the Christian idea of God and heard about it a whole lot growing up. I was required by my family to go to church on Sundays. I forgot to mention that I was also born in the south of the USA and grew up mainly in small towns in North Carolina where there was a whole lot of racism. For most of my childhood I grew up believing that black people were less important than white people. I even used the n word and when I was in middle school I drew a confederate flag and kept it on my bedroom door. I hated black people. For some reason I never had a problem with any other races for the most part. My mom and her side of the family was particuraly racist. Not all of them were but there are a lot of them who were. My dad is not very racist but I identified with my moms family the most growing up. My moms mother and grandmother are and were very racist.

My dad left the United Methodist Church and we moved down to Florida. He left the United Methodist Ministry and was still a preacher though because he started his own church in Florida. The new church didn't do so well so he ended up giving up being a preacher. I gradually stopped being racist as I got older. Getting out of North Carolina really helped me to get rid of my racism. As an adult I don't feel racist much at all. I maybe am a tiny bit because of the childhood exposure against black people but I fight against those thoughts or feelings because I know they are wrong.

I am struggling because I am still living with my parents and they are still both devout Christians. My mom is racist and it really gets under my skin. She says racist things and it makes me angry. I have a lot of anger right now. I also have a bad self image because I am overweight and have struggled with my weight for most of my life. I got made fun of a lot as a kid. I also did my share of bullying. I guess I was just taking out my anger on people who had nothing to do with hurting my emotions.

I suppose i'm getting a little side tracked writing this. I just feel like a terrible person. It is thanksgiving day here in the states and i'm feeling horrible. I have a hard time getting along with my parents. I honestly have a lot of hate against Christianity. I know that is wrong and is harmful to me, but I just feel this way. In the past I have known Christianity intimately. I have been a Protestant Christian and i've also been confirmed as a Roman Catholic Christian. Right now I am studying Buddhism and want to be Buddhist. However, I do not know what I should think about my anger and hate towards Christianity. I hate the hypocrisy of Christians who claim to love Jesus and have absolutely no problem with forcing their beliefs on others and starting wars in the name of God. I just don't know a better way to explain why I feel the way I do. However, I don't hate all Christians. I do not hate my family. I just have so much negativity in me right now. I also feel like i'm a very lustful person. I may have a lot of flaws.

With all of that said. I don't want to have hatred or anger in me at all. I want to get rid of these negative emotions because they are in the way of me becoming Enlightened. I also know that hatred is harmful to society. I do believe that all races are equal and science supports that.

I feel like a terrible person, and I am ashamed of myself. Maybe it is because of the holiday today. I don't know.

[Finanziamento]

Hello David,

Just a few words as a Dhamma friend here, and trying to do my best.

You have to work with yourself first. To love yourself. Accept yourself right now as you are right now.

But to love your self it is needed self knowledge, self care, self respect, and to respond to yourself.

As you are interested in what Buddha taught, it is important to give your self a break and to reset your beliefs and start anew.

Let go that difficult past you have had. It is a useless burden that will make of this new start with what Buddha taught, difficult.

Remember to breath softly until your body and mind are at ease and calm.

Do this, alone, in your room if possible, any time you feel angry. Accept that anger, aware that it is there, and let it go. This do not make you a bad person by any means.

I highly recommend you some sort of loving kindness meditation, too.

This meditation is about having loving kindness thoughts to people in different stages... from the loved and liked ones first toward the ones you feel some anger at the very end but the most important person, at the center of this meditation, has to be yourself.

You are not alone in this path. I think you are not a terrible person. The time when you felt hate to different people is gone.

That time has gone away.

Maybe Aloka will show up latter on with some recommendation about loving kindness and metta meditations.

Maybe this can be of some help:

"Loving Kindness Meditation"

Remember: "Be the main protagonist of this meditation" and do not forget to breath.

[Quvwcxqx]

Kaarine, I really appreciate you sharing this with me. I will look into the link that you have shared with me. I will let my past go. I just for some reason started feeling really negative. I think cerrtain holidays bring out negativity in me because of past memories. Thank you for your advice.

[Jeffery]

You are welcome David,

[prmnwoks]

Hi David,

In addition to the link which Kaarine has given you, this metta meditation video from Ajahn Jayasaro might be helpful for you.

[dWSOj26H]

With all of that said. I don't want to have hatred or anger in me at all. I want to get rid of these negative emotions because they are in the way of me becoming Enlightened. (

Hi David,

Try to ask yourself "why" you have these negative emotions. If the answer to your "why" is external to you, like "your father", "that book", or whatever, then you are avoiding asking yourself the question. If your answer is "this is the way I am", then you are avoiding answering the question as well. Ask your subconscious.

It is not easy and might be painful to face your negative emotions, but if you really want to get rid of it, and not just suppress it, you need to figure out why these negative emotions manifest themselves and remove the cause.

[Abedgebeefs]

Thank you Aloka-D. I will watch that before I meditate again.

Thank for your advice Yuan. Your answer makes me think a lot. I will need to think on this for a while. Kaarine's recent post on this thread and what I have learned about Buddhism so far got me thinking. I think that it is how I have had an illusion of a permanent "me". I think I feel guilty that I have been racist even very racist in the past. I don't consider myself to be a racist person now. I think that I feel like I am that same person that was racist when in reality the "me" now is a totally different person than the one that was very racist. I think it is behaviors in certain Christians that I have hated. I feel like i'm able to let that hate go. I have thought it over after taking in what advice i've been given. I feel differently I think now then I did when I wrote my original post on this thread. Thank you for the advice Yuan. I really appreciate it. I will reflect on what you said.

[Imalaycle]

I will reflect on what you said.

Hi David,

Thank you for taking my advice into consideration. If you want to try this, a few more points to consider.

1. It might take a while to notice any results. After all, your negative emotions have complex causes, and these causes have been with you for a long time, so it's not something that can be changed over night. work at it and force yourself to face yourself.

2. It is actually best to do this as soon as you detected your negative emotions rising, but it is hard to do so sometimes. So I make it a habit to reflect on my negative emotions of the day before I go to bed. I usually don't get answers, I fell asleep instead. You can say that I let my subconscious work it out.

[koebforfrn]

I am overweight and have struggled with my weight for most of my life.

Hi David,
The others have posted some good advice here but I would add that body and mind form a whole. It may be worth dealing with your fitness and weight. I speak from my own experience, it makes a big difference if you can look after your body in the right way.
Namaste
Kris

[Kolokireo]

Yuan, I will try to look at my negative emotions. I understand what you are saying about how it wont change overnight. Thank you for giving me advice.

Srivijaya, Thank you for bringing this up. I will try to get my weight under control. It makes sense to me that body and mind make a whole. I have lost weight in the past but was not able to keep it off. Losing weight is not easy. I do need to lose weight and exercise.

I appreciate all of the responses.

[Ervntewc]

I appreciate all of the responses.

Lots of good wishes to you, David

[erepsysoulptnw]

Thank you Aloka-D

lots of good wishes to you too

[Qutlsilh]

I honestly have a lot of hate against Christianity. I know that is wrong and is harmful to me, but I just feel this way. In the past I have known Christianity intimately. I have been a Protestant Christian and i've also been confirmed as a Roman Catholic Christian. Right now I am studying Buddhism and want to be Buddhist. However, I do not know what I should think about my anger and hate towards Christianity. I hate the hypocrisy of Christians who claim to love Jesus and have absolutely no problem with forcing their beliefs on others and starting wars in the name of God. I just don't know a better way to explain why I feel the way I do. However, I don't hate all Christians. I do not hate my family. I just have so much negativity in me right now. I also feel like i'm a very lustful person. I may have a lot of flaws.

It's a great shame most Christians don't practice the teachings of Christ. Jesus was truly a bodhisattva, and is actually revered as one by Buddhists in Korea.

However, let us not forget that there in fact are some very genuine Christians out there. Brother David below has practiced Zen Buddhism in Asia and there are many open-minded Christian monks like him who are totally different from the people you've grown up with. I suggest you try to reclaim Jesus' teachings rather than discard them. He taught love and enlightenment, not hatred and damnation.



I hope you'll find this monk as inspiring as I do.

[DYjLN8rF]

Hello David
I can share with you that I also grew up as a racist, It was quite normal in my family. When I got to the age of about 14, it hit me like a sledge hammer that to dislike somebody based on nothing other than their colour of skin was nothing more than ignorance. I grew up and so did you.

Try not to be angry with your mum. It may be helpful to contemplate why she is a racist, Is it because she grew up surrounded by racism? Is it because she herself is suffering? Attitudes have changed a lot over the years and some people have been left behind unable to change their deep rooted beliefs.

What I'm saying is that it can help to try and understand why other people are like they are. This in no way means that you have to agree with their view, it means understanding that causes and effects have led us all to where we are

[DouseAuthott]

With all of that said. I don't want to have hatred or anger in me at all. I want to get rid of these negative emotions because they are in the way of me becoming Enlightened. I also know that hatred is harmful to society.

I feel like a terrible person, and I am ashamed of myself. Our deluded minds tell us all sorts of ridiculous things. Don't believe your thoughts. Where is this "terrible person" when you're not thinking him into existence?

[Zenthachall]

There's a thread in General Buddhist discussions called 'Dealing with Anger' showing the same Noah Levine video as above in #15, if anyone wants to make further comments on it there.

http://www.buddhismwithoutboundaries...ht=noah+levine

with kind wishes,

Aloka

[UrUROFlS]

Hi David002,

It is brave of you to express your feelings and your concerns here in this Buddhist forum. It's heartening to see that several people have posted ideas, suggestions and support. In my own opinion, the advice you got in post #2 is really valuable and commendable. Please do read it again and take it on board.

The purpose of my post is to share with you my experience of coming to Buddhism. In some ways it's similar to your situation, what you are describing in your first post. In all the details, my story is different from yours. Yet I think underlying it there is some important common ground.

Two or three years ago, I was emotionally very isolated. I didn't care for anyone's company and I wanted to stay that way. Internally, I felt that I really didn't like anyone at all. What strikes me is how you describe how much anger you feel towards racists and Christians. It has echoes of how angry I was at that time myself. I had an internal struggle going on but I didn't clearly know where it was coming from or what it was all about.

Someone I knew suggested that I start attending a Buddhist meditation group. I started going to see whether it might help me settle down the turmoil in me. I went for the meditation, not for the Buddhism. Sometimes the meditation ended with a "Loving-Kindness" practice. I joined in superficially but I felt nothing at all. I really could not bring myself to think loving thoughts to anyone.

I kept on going to the group none the less, and after more than a year, I noticed that it had all become a little easier and that I felt settled and I had overcome the internal anger that I felt. From that new position, I have been able to gradually improve my meditation practice and begin to understand, really understand, the meaning of the four noble truths.

It takes a long time, it takes patience and it takes persistence. You can do it. I'm still on the way.

If you have the opportunity of joining a local Buddhist community and mixing with people off-line, you may find it beneficial. Not everybody is in a position to do that. I don't think anyone can learn and experience everything from the written word and from on-line contact. It helps but it's not the whole deal.

I wish you the very best fortune on the journey you have started. Don't worry too much about the anger you feel internally, it will drop away of its own accord when you start to take some steps in a good direction.

Woodscooter.

[NeroASERCH]

Wow you guys are great. Thank you for all of the responses. I will respond before I go to bed. I'm sorry that I am not responding thoughtfully right now. I really do appreciate all of the advice. I really am sorry and I hope i'm not being annoying by being repetitive. I will make sure to give a thoughtful response before I go to bed. I am just spending some time with my parents tonight. I hope no one is offended by me responding in a more thoughtful way later. Thank you all again.

[Wxrxnhar]

The purpose of my post is to share with you my experience of coming to Buddhism. [...]

Woodscooter... thanks for sharing this valuable piece of you,

[sjdflghd]

I finished watching a movie with my parents earlier than I thought I would. I want to respond to the messages that you guys have shared.

soundtrack, I agree with you that is a shame that most Christians don't practice the teachings of Christ. I think that it is very interesting that it is a good thing that Jesus is considered a bodhisattva. I watched the video about the Christian monk that you posted. I think that the video was nice but i'm not sure that I understood it. I am sorry. I do think that the monk in the video seems like a very good person. I think it is great that he has practiced Zen Buddhism. I agree that there are some genuine Christians out there. I will try to reclaim Jesus' teachings. I agree that Jesus taught love and enlightenment. Thank you soundtrack for all of your advice and help.

Karma, it means a lot to me that you shared this with me. It is nice to know that a Buddhist can relate to my struggles in the past with racism. I may be a tiny bit racist now but I fight against it and don't agree with it. I am not angry with my mom right now. You are right, I do think it is because she grew up around it. She was indirectly taught that it was normal while she was growing up. You are right again that my mom is suffering a lot. She is melancholy a lot of the time and has a very bad outlook on life. However she is a really sweet person, and I love her very unconditionally. Yes, I agree again that it can help to understand why people are the way they are. Yes, I agree once again that it is the causes and effects have led us to where we are. I want to thank you Karma for your advice and help.

soundtrack, I watched the second video that you posted. It really helped me the way he explained anger. I will most likely watch it again, because I found it to be so helpful. You are right. I shouldn't believe my deluded mind and its thoughts about me being things like a terrible person. It makes sense to me that "he" only exists when I think him into existence. So thanks again soudtrack.

Thanks again Aloka-D. I appreciate your advice from before and I think it is really nice of you to post the link that you posted.

Woodscooter, thank you very much for saying that i'm brave to express my feelings and concerns on this Buddhist forum. I think that is very kind of you to say. I want to thank you too also for sharing your experience. I think you are talking about the post on Metta right? I will definitely try to learn more about Metta. It makes me feel a lot better that you can relate to my experience with anger. I will also try to overcome the internal anger that I have expressed. I think by encouragement from this forum I have been able to overcome a lot of my anger already. Or maybe i'm just really sleepy tonight ha ha and that is why. I wish so much that I could go to a Buddhist group and have an offline Sangha. I consider this online forum my Sangha for now. I do not have acess to an offline Sangha. It is possible that I could get in touch with this Buddhist group that meets in the town where I live but I doubt even if I get into contact with them that I would be able to get transportation to the meetings. My dad is tolerant that i'm learning about Buddhism, but I don't know if he would be willing to drive me to meetings. He isn't exactly open minded. My mom doesn't even know to my knowledge that I am really wanting to become a Buddhist. She would not be happy.

I am sorry but I am very tired now and need to go to bed soon. I will try to learn more about Metta tomorrow. I didn't meditate today but I will not make not meditating a habit. I will try to meditate every day starting tomorrow.

I have read on more than one website that if you don't have access to a Buddhist centre or Temple that you can become a Buddhist by taking refuge even if you are alone. I really want to take refuge soon so that I can officially be a Buddhist. I know that when you are Enlightened labels like "Buddhist" don't matter. If I am wrong please correct me. I mean that honestly. However, I really want to be able to be a Buddhist and not just someone that is learning about Buddhism. I have no access to other Buddhists apart from this site. I think I have been told by one person on here something like how I can take the refuges without a teacher. I already believe what I know about Buddhism and i'm still learning more. I need to study the basics some more and I plan on spending most of the day tomorrow studying more about the basics. I'm curious as to what you guys think about me taking refuge without a teacher. These two sites seem to indicate that it is possible.

http://buddhism.about.com/od/takingr...kingrefuge.htm


http://viewonbuddhism.org/refuge.html

If I eventually take refuge without a teacher and do it on my own if I later was able to join a particular school of Buddhism like Zen for instance could I take the refuges again in order to join a particular school?

Again, thank you to everyone for your advice and I really hope to get some advice about me taking refuge.