[gechaheritt]

Hello,
I have a question that only can be answered by a Buddhist.
I have been in a relationship for three years with a very loving attentive man. He has been a wonderful father figure to my children. We never fought or had disagreements.
He came to me recently to say he is a Buddhist and the attachment to me would lead to suffering so he is done. He will always love me ,but having relationships is not a part of Buddhism. He believes there is no such thing as love and it is just an illusion.
I'm confused is it true to be a Buddhist you must give up or abandon loved ones?
Thank You For your time.

[itititit]

I cannot answer your question. I am sorry. I am new to Buddhism. I just want to say that I am sorry you are having such a tough time. There are a lot of people on these forums that have really good advice and way more experience than me. I hope everything works out for the best for you.

[ferelrossi]

Thank You david002,
I tried discussing Buddhism with him so I could learn . he kept repeating this is something I must deal with on my own. I still don't know what to tell the kids. They are very attached to him.

[ConoMadura]

Hello,
I have a question that only can be answered by a Buddhist.
I have been in a relationship for three years with a very loving attentive man. He has been a wonderful father figure to my children. We never fought or had disagreements.
He came to me recently to say he is a Buddhist and the attachment to me would lead to suffering so he is done. He will always love me ,but having relationships is not a part of Buddhism. He believes there is no such thing as love and it is just an illusion.
I'm confused is it true to be a Buddhist you must give up or abandon loved ones?
Thank You For your time.

Hi emarie and welcome to the group !

Your man friend is mistaken in thinking that lay Buddhist practitioners cannot have relationships .

Here's what the Buddha said about couples:


AN 4.55 Samajivina Sutta: Living in Tune

Once the Blessed One was staying among the Bhaggas in the Deer Park at Bhesakala Grove, near Crocodile Haunt. Then early in the morning the Blessed One put on his robes and, carrying his bowl and outer robe, went to the home of the householder, Nakula's father. On arrival, he sat down on a seat made ready.

Then Nakula's father & Nakula's mother went to the Blessed One and, on arrival, having bowed down to him, sat to one side. As they were sitting there, Nakula's father said to the Blessed One: "Lord, ever since Nakula's mother as a young girl was brought to me [to be my wife] when I was just a young boy, I am not conscious of being unfaithful to her even in mind, much less in body. We want to see one another not only in the present life but also in the life to come."

And Nakula's mother said to the Blessed One: "Lord, ever since I as a young girl was brought to Nakula's father [to be his wife] when he was just a young boy, I am not conscious of being unfaithful to him even in mind, much less in body. We want to see one another not only in the present life but also in the life to come."

[The Blessed One said:] "If both husband & wife want to see one another not only in the present life but also in the life to come, they should be in tune [with each other] in conviction, in tune in virtue, in tune in generosity, and in tune in discernment. Then they will see one another not only in the present life but also in the life to come."

Husband & wife, both of them
having conviction,
being responsive,
being restrained,
living by the Dhamma,
addressing each other
with loving words:
they benefit in manifold ways.

To them comes bliss.
Their enemies are dejected
when both are in tune in virtue.
Having followed the Dhamma here in this world,
both in tune in precepts & practices,
they delight in the world of the devas,
enjoying the pleasures they desire.


http://www.accesstoinsight.org/tipit....055.than.html

[CULTDIAMONDS]

You're welcome emarie68. I think Aloka-D gave you some great advice.

[tigoCeree]

Thank you Aloka-D
This dose put my mind at ease. I have been reading up on Buddhism and getting quite confused. I had this image after talking to my man that all Buddhist had this love them and leave them attitude. now I see that is not true. Thank You

[refsherne]

Thank you Aloka-D
This dose put my mind at ease. I have been reading up on Buddhism and getting quite confused. I had this image after talking to my man that all Buddhist had this love them and leave them attitude. now I see that is not true. Thank You

I'm happy to be able to help, emarie.

Sending you lots of good wishes,

Aloka

[YpciJQdo]

These are the duties of a layperson as advised by the Buddha:


"In five ways, young householder, should a wife as the West be ministered to by a husband:


(i) by being courteous to her,
(ii) by not despising her,
(iii) by being faithful to her,
(iv) by handing over authority to her,
(v) by providing her with adornments.
"The wife thus ministered to as the West by her husband shows her compassion to her husband in five ways:


(i) she performs her duties well,
(ii) she is hospitable to relations and attendants[10]
(iii) she is faithful,
(iv) she protects what he brings,
(v) she is skilled and industrious in discharging her duties.
"In these five ways does the wife show her compassion to her husband who ministers to her as the West. Thus is the West covered by him and made safe and secure.

http://www.accesstoinsight.org/tipit...31.0.nara.html

[nuveem7070]

He came to me recently to say he is a Buddhist and the attachment to me would lead to suffering so he is done. He will always love me, but having relationships is not a part of Buddhism. He believes there is no such thing as love and it is just an illusion.

hi Emarie

this could be superstition

if a relationship with you would lead to suffering then he would have realised this for himself during his time with you because his time with you would have been suffering for him

he sounds like he has been reading too many books and listening to too many (brainwashing) gurus

during the history of Buddhism, many men & women have left their partners due to dissatisfaction with ordinary life, desparately needing to find a suitable happiness for themselves

but to say a relationship is suffering & love is illusion due to not realising it but simply believing it via blind faith is superstition

there are so many Buddhist 'evangelists' today selling 'Nirvana' prompting people to chase 'the stars'

instead of overcoming suffering that can be seen, they chase stars that
cannot be seen

may you be at peace

element

[jakitula]

Perhaps you could ask him to discuss these issues here with us. Not for us to tell him he is wrong but for us to share with him how we relate and understand the different teachings.

The understanding for one person is not always the same for another person and we have many different views here from many experienced members. I find that learning Buddhism from many different views or perspectives allows me to build my own understanding.

There are many very well respected Buddhist teachers that are married, Like Gil Fronsdal of the Insight Retreat Centre.

[Vemnagelignc]

I think many Buddhists may go through a period or a "phase" as they learn and study more that they must give up so many things in life in order to progress along the path. I wonder- do others agree with this?

But really, what most end up learning is that it is not so much the physical attachment that we must give up, but more-so the more subtle form of attachment in terms of our mind. There are probably many monks that try to leave the so-called attachments of mundane life to live in a monastery or temple, but I think many still have some form of attachment still in their minds- so it is not so much about attachment to mundane things, but attachment to the mundane mind.

It is unfortunate that he is struggling with this right now. It can be hard for some to find that fine line. Perhaps he hasn't fully accepted the impermanent nature of all things, but with some time and some guidance he may be able to understand and not need to reject these worldly things. Hopefully with a little bit of time and some prayer/aspirations, he may see that it is quite okay to be a Buddhist, to love you and your family while working to discover what attachment really is and how he can find a balance. One great example from Tibetan history is Marpa Chokyi Lodro. He was a layperson, married, a very successful business man, a lineage holder, and reached the fruition of Mahamudra.

I have struggled a little with this kind of thing in the past (and even now at times)- We may want a relationship, we really care for someone but we also want to really practice well too. But unless we are set on leaving home life to become a monk or a nun, then I think if we do our best to try not to cause too much suffering for our partner's, then we should be able to engage in a healthy, loving relationship.

But I really do think that this is just one more reminder of the nature of samsara- whenever we desire something, we will experience the suffering that comes along with it.

:hug:

Terma