[_tppga_]

Has anyone else new to the practice had that problem?

[Unoloknovagog]

Hi Cal, wondering if you could tell us a little more about your spouse's concerns -- what in particular she objects to.

[hieklyintinee]

Hi Lazy Eye, thank you for asking but I'm not exactly sure. When I ask her why she objects to this so much she complains about how much I've changed over the years. We've been married 25 years. Several years ago I started studying shamanism and herbalism. A year ago I became a vegetarian. Several months ago I started spending a lot of time reading up on Buddhism. I’ve been meditating on and off for 30 years but few months ago I started meditating daily. A few weeks ago I started attending a Buddhist Center. It seems as though going to the center weekly is the biggest rub.

Thanks for listening,
Cal

[ticskebasse]

Hi Cal,

Perhaps if you can show increased loving kindness (metta) and gentle consideration in your relationship with your wife (and others), as well as have some special 'together' time, she will have less reason to complain and may even eventually want to share your interest.

with kind wishes to you,

Aloka -D

[finasteridonline]

Perhaps you could share with her why it means something to you, maybe explain to her that it's the inner peace that interests you, or whatever else it is thats interesting you in Buddhism. I have family that think Buddhism to be a weird thing to do but my close family are seeing that it's helped me to become at ease with myself and allowed me to develop equanimity. The main thing is to discuss it honesty without being defensive

[6Rexw51X]

Has anyone else new to the practice had that problem?

Yes. My parents, specially my mum object to my practice. But your case is more complicated since the relationship with a spouse is different and compatibility matters a lot.

[secondmertg]

dear cal ,

sorry to hear that your chosen path is causing conflict ,

may I ask ?

does your wife share in any of your beleifs ?
or did you once share a beleif ?
or do you have other comon interests ?(spiritual or non spiritual )

if your wife does not share yoyr beleifs , does she have a beleif of her own ?

sorry for lots of questions but it is impossible to suggest any more than has allready been said without knowing a fraction more ,

with best wishes ,
namaskars ratikala

[mireOpekrhype]

Has anyone else new to the practice had that problem?

I was a Buddhist, thankfully, before I met my wife so she took me on that basis. I say 'thankfully' because she's not very keen on it. In hindsight some of her observations on my relationship with it were correct.
She respects it more now and I'm less dogmatic. Met in the middle I guess.

[joOEMcheapSOFTWARE]

Has anyone else new to the practice had that problem?

Hi Cal,

My boyfriend supports completely my need to live the Dhamma as was spoken by Buddha but he don't like it very much. At least not for him.

He is an amateur philosopher and he never stops arguing around his teachings... all day long. He likes that.

He looks at me with that glimpse in his eyes as saying "you have become crazy..."

But not big deal. He is a very peaceful and kind man.

Fortunately he has noticed an improvement in the quality of our relationship and we have undergone many radical changes in our personal life which are giving us peacefulness of mind.

Peacefulness of mind is where we coincide.

When I stopped telling him about "Buddhism" but to live in accordance of the "Natural Law" and we forget about "Buddha this" or "Buddha that..." we found ourselves thinking more less the same way.

Kind wishes for both of you...

[Misespimb]

Aloka-D, I am still doing metta daily, with kind thoughts for my wife and others. Yes I need to figure out how to improve the relationship and quality time.
Thanks

[pGJLweEw]

It's interesting to know that others have challenges as well. Thanks to all that have taken the time to read and respond in this thread. It's greatly appreciated!

Thanks for asking Ratikala - she does not share in any of my beliefs, pre or post my interest in Buddhism. When we got married we both were from Christian families but we were never church goers. My side of the family are fundamentalist Christians and would probably be horrified to learn about my interest in Buddhism.

She speaks to my family more than me. She's very outgoing and friendly and I am fairly quiet and introverted. The only common interest we have is our daughter (actually my step daughter but raised like my own) and our animals. We both have a deep love for animals. That is our biggest common denominator. We have a lot of rescued animals; cats, dogs and birds and they really occupy much of our time and attention, especially my wife's time since she doesn’t work. We don’t really share any spiritual interests or beliefs.

I stopped believing in Christianity many years ago. She claims to be Christian even though she doesn’t read the bible or go to church, yet she's hinted (by things said) that she might believe in reincarnation and karma to some slight degree, although not knowing anything about Buddhism. I think she's afraid if she (maybe for me too) moves away from Christianity and are wrong then we could be punished in hell when we die.

Hope this additional info helps. I am totally open to advice and criticism.

With gratitude and appreciation,
Cal

[lipitrRrxX]

Hi Cal,

I've had a similar experience with my boyfriend of 7 years. Before I found Buddhism, I was his partner (a participant in all of the vices I soon gave up.) I was looking for something more in my life, and to stop the cycle of self-destruction. I was also very concerned for his health and secretly hoped that he would see a change in me and follow my example. As a result of the sudden changes, he may have seen me as "pious". I can honestly say that we no longer have much in common.

The unhealthy things that attracted us to each other in the beginning of our relationship, no longer exist for me. We were both suffering, and angry, in our own ways. I don't have the desire, or need to numb my senses or drown my sorrows. I read a book, or meditate. I have also found that explaining the benefits of Buddhism to others that don't want to listen is fruitless. Our relationship is ending (his choice, not mine).

My new lessons are accepting change, and non-attachment I guess. A 25 year marriage is admirable, and I'm sure there have been many hurdles, but the core of your marriage sounds strong.

[unapelosina]

Dawn, I can relate to what you are saying and going through. May you have health, happiness and harmony as you go through your separation. That is where the teachings on non-attachment and impermanence will help greatly.

While my interests/beliefs have changed over the years we never really had a lot in common come to think of it. Before we met I always was, and still am, a musician and martial artist in my spare time. Both of which she's never had an interest. We actually were friends before lovers/partners. She and her husband, at the time, lived in next door condo to me and my roommate. When they split up (nothing to do with me) we became friends and started hanging out together, and eventually we started dating. We also had common friends as neighbors that we hung out.

Playing in a band for a few years obviously kept me away from home on the weekend evenings and going to martial arts classes took my time away from her/home a couple days a week - all tolerated and accepted with only minor complaints from time to time. Even though I’ve substituted a night of martial arts for going to the Buddhist center once a week that seems to be the straw off the camel's back. So it must boil down to some sort of fear over Buddhism.

We have been through thick and thin over the years so I can’t imagine not being together (although I recognize that as a form of attachement). I am hoping this will blow over eventual and that she will accept me as I am (with change).


Cal

[11Woxsepmoomo]

I have also found that explaining the benefits of Buddhism to others that don't want to listen is fruitless. How very true and well put and relates to many things in life

[Caluabdum]

Hi Cal,

My boyfriend supports completely my need to live the Dhamma as was spoken by Buddha but he don't like it very much. At least not for him.

He is an amateur philosopher and he never stops arguing around his teachings... all day long. He likes that.

He looks at me with that glimpse in his eyes as saying "you have become crazy..."

But not big deal. He is a very peaceful and kind man.

Fortunately he has noticed an improvement in the quality of our relationship and we have undergone many radical changes in our personal life which are giving us peacefulness of mind.

Peacefulness of mind is where we coincide.

When I stopped telling him about "Buddhism" but to live in accordance of the "Natural Law" and we forget about "Buddha this" or "Buddha that..." we found ourselves thinking more less the same way.

Kind wishes for both of you...

Hi Kaarine Alejandra, I'm very happy to hear that you and your boyfriend were able to work it out. I don't really discuss my beliefs with her or anyone else, so I never talk about Buddhism either much less debate it. I'm hoping that in time she will accept my interest in Buddhism and notice the positive change.

Wishes of peace and happiness,
Cal

[Sensbachtal]

Thanks for asking Ratikala - she does not share in any of my beliefs, pre or post my interest in Buddhism. When we got married we both were from Christian families but we were never church goers. My side of the family are fundamentalist Christians and would probably be horrified to learn about my interest in Buddhism.

She speaks to my family more than me. She's very outgoing and friendly and I am fairly quiet and introverted. The only common interest we have is our daughter (actually my step daughter but raised like my own) and our animals.
We both have a deep love for animals. That is our biggest common denominator.
We have a lot of rescued animals; cats, dogs and birds and they really occupy much of our time and attention, especially my wife's time since she doesn’t work. We don’t really share any spiritual interests or beliefs.

I stopped believing in Christianity many years ago. She claims to be Christian even though she doesn’t read the bible or go to church, yet she's hinted (by things said) that she might believe in reincarnation and karma to some slight degree, although not knowing anything about Buddhism. I think she's afraid if she (maybe for me too) moves away from Christianity and are wrong then we could be punished in hell when we die.

Hope this additional info helps. I am totally open to advice and criticism.

With gratitude and appreciation,
Cal

dear cal ,

I asked in order to find any positive common ground ,

so by the sound of things you have a long standing relationship,
a comon interest invested in your daughter,
and a love of animals .
and prehaps some common ground in the beleif in rebirth .

prehaps I could suggest a little bit of a mental excercise for you ,
examine buddhism as you understand it , and compare it with the general christian beleif of your wife and surrounding family , trying to identify all the common ground , think in your mind to translate all buddhist terminology in to simple christian english , keep on drawing comparisons , think of the paralells between the christian idea of rightious behavior (the ten comandments) , compare this with the eight fold path , and the buddhist precepts , e.g." not to kill nor harm any living being" , compare this with your wifes love of animals and her nature to rescue and nerture , (dare I ask if either or both of you are vegetarian ?)
concentrate first on the simple common grounds , when you are happy that you have realy appriciated the similaritys and feel sufficiently confident to disscuss with your wife , you might find it helpfull to start discussing the similaritys you have found this might help to dispell any fears she may have .

at first it would be inadvisable to discuss the differences , these should be saved untill more common ground has been established .
of course you might meet some criticism as to why you might need to practice buddhism instead of christianity ? again you need to answer this in your own mind first before anyone asks it of you .choose the least confrontational answers and keep it simple .

I used to rely on saying that I found the practice of meditation very helpfull for my own wellbeing and peace of mind , people generaly understand that , I kept the more personal aspects of beleif to my self , as it can disturb some people .

I noticed in a later post you say you practiced martial arts , look at the paralells here with dicipline , some peoples minds need a dicipline , mine does , I have allso met many people who have gone on from martial ats to other diciplines such as buddhism ,

what was it about martial arts that your wife understood , that she canot accept within buddhism ?

I know that these are a lot of points for you to consider, but knowing your self will help in your confidence in handling this situation ,

I hope these reflections might be of some use , and wish you every success in setteling an uncomfortable situation

best wishes
namaskars ratikala

[peemovvie]

I'm hoping that in time she will accept my interest in Buddhism and notice the positive change.

I hope this for both of you Cal.

The real issue, IMO, of the practice of Buddhism is to improve our lives and to develop a peaceful mind free from suffering.

When I started into this practice, some sort of "I am a Buddhist..." was there making things really difficult for me and others.

Now, and maybe I am wrong, but I have seen that the teachings left by Buddha are about the "Natural Law" or the natural way things are.

This answer -to live in accordance to the Natural Law- is far more friendly, polite and respectful for others believes.

Natural Law embraces any believe that leads toward happiness and a joyful live.

The more meditation; the more understanding, the less the need to say "I am a Buddhist..."

Wishes of peace and happiness, The same for you Cal,

[Intiltern]

dear cal ,

I asked in order to find any positive common ground ,

so by the sound of things you have a long standing relationship,
a comon interest invested in your daughter,
and a love of animals .
and prehaps some common ground in the beleif in rebirth .

prehaps I could suggest a little bit of a mental excercise for you ,
examine buddhism as you understand it , and compare it with the general christian beleif of your wife and surrounding family , trying to identify all the common ground , think in your mind to translate all buddhist terminology in to simple christian english , keep on drawing comparisons , think of the paralells between the christian idea of rightious behavior (the ten comandments) , compare this with the eight fold path , and the buddhist precepts , e.g." not to kill nor harm any living being" , compare this with your wifes love of animals and her nature to rescue and nerture , (dare I ask if either or both of you are vegetarian ?)
concentrate first on the simple common grounds , when you are happy that you have realy appriciated the similaritys and feel sufficiently confident to disscuss with your wife , you might find it helpfull to start discussing the similaritys you have found this might help to dispell any fears she may have .

at first it would be inadvisable to discuss the differences , these should be saved untill more common ground has been established .
of course you might meet some criticism as to why you might need to practice buddhism instead of christianity ? again you need to answer this in your own mind first before anyone asks it of you .choose the least confrontational answers and keep it simple .

I used to rely on saying that I found the practice of meditation very helpfull for my own wellbeing and peace of mind , people generaly understand that , I kept the more personal aspects of beleif to my self , as it can disturb some people .

I noticed in a later post you say you practiced martial arts , look at the paralells here with dicipline , some peoples minds need a dicipline , mine does , I have allso met many people who have gone on from martial ats to other diciplines such as buddhism ,

what was it about martial arts that your wife understood , that she canot accept within buddhism ?

I know that these are a lot of points for you to consider, but knowing your self will help in your confidence in handling this situation ,

I hope these reflections might be of some use , and wish you every success in setteling an uncomfortable situation

best wishes
namaskars ratikala Ratikala, thanks for sharing some great ideas and insights.

I like your suggestion about the mental exercises. My understanding of Buddhism and the teaching is a bit in the infant stage still, as I have only started serious studying a few months ago but I can still think about this and use those questions that arise to search and remember certain things that might be helpful to address it in this way - as I understand it.

I became a vegetarian about a year ago but my wife still eats meat. She's still upset about it because she sees it as a change in me that affects her because we don’t eat the same things anymore, so often we have separate meals.

Yes, to stay in martial arts that long does takes a lot of discipline and hard work, as does learning how to play a musical instrument or earning a college degree. However, I'm exactly not sure why my wife objects to Buddhism so much more than martial arts but it could have to do with the fact that I was already a blackbelt instructor before we got married (25 years ago). Also, the system I belong to is an Americanized system and the grandmaster (head instructor - like CEO) is a devout Christian so there are absolutely no Buddhist references or practices of meditation as part of the curriculum. Other than bowing and using some Asian words for techniques there really is no ties to eastern ways of thinking.

I will continue to reflect on the insights and suggestions and see how I could apply them.

Thank you so much. Have a blessed and peaceful day!

Cal

[ferelrossi]

I hope this for both of you Cal.

The real issue, IMO, of the practice of Buddhism is to improve our lives and to develop a peaceful mind free from suffering.

When I started into this practice, some sort of "I am a Buddhist..." was there making things really difficult for me and others.

Now, and maybe I am wrong, but I have seen that the teachings left by Buddha are about the "Natural Law" or the natural way things are.

This answer -to live in accordance to the Natural Law- is far more friendly, polite and respectful for others believes.

Natural Law embraces any believe that leads toward happiness and a joyful live.

The more meditation; the more understanding, the less the need to say "I am a Buddhist..."



The same for you Cal,

I like your advice about representation of it as natural law. It's actually meditation and the teachings thereof that is driving towards Buddhism. It all seems to resonate at such a deep and profound level.

Have a joy-filled day!
Cal