[IACJdKfU]

I am somewhat new to Buddhism and am seeking advice from those more experienced in applying Buddhism to every day life challenges or difficult people.

The problem is my 17 year old nephew. Within the past year his normally playful insults have deteriorated into just plain back talk and verbally devaluing me. I find this quite a dilemma because I've always maintained a respectful and pro-valuing approach when talking to my nephew as a counter to my sister's approach, who could be impatient and verbally abusive. I thought whatever damage my sister may do to him, it would be a positive thing for my nephew to at least have someone he could talk to calmly and sanely.

At the same, my sister has been permissive and neglectful in other aspects of my nephew's life when she maybe have shouldn't. Basically, there is now a lot of yelling and arguing with her son but nothing ever really changes. I knew she was doing certain things wrong but I didn't really feel it was my domain or job to insist to raise her son in a way I thought might be better. However, I thought, as long as I respected my nephew's side of things and discussed everything calmly with him, I would never be subjected to any disrespectful talk (leading by example), our quality of conversation would remain on a civilized level.

Well, that doesn't seem to be the case. As rational and calmly as I try to communicate with my nephew, this privately schooled 17 year old is communicating back to me on the level of a thug.

I saw him this morning and greeted him with a polite good morning and his response was, "
shut the bleep up, (my name)".

The other day I was just discussing about some light topic with him when he blurted out "I teach, you learn". I am in my 40's. I've been very careful never to presume I was his boss and have even made this explicitly clear on multiple occasions over many years. so it can't be he is trying to throw back some indignity I did to him.

Several weeks ago, I was at a relative's bachelor party with my nephew who arrived late with his friend. I politely turned in my chair and asked if they wanted anything to eat and, in front of a table full of other men (whom I don't think heard), he immediately said "shut the bleep up, (my name)".

I resolved not to react to these pronouncements from him before I had some experienced input on this from others, as my nephew appears to be very immature.

I have watched Ajahn Bramn's talk on dealing with difficult people on YouTube but i'm not sure that really applies here because it basically advises patience and kindness, two things I have never had in short supply for my nephew. My nephew seems not to respond, value or care about patience or kindness, although he always defends me when my older sister talks harshly to me. Yet, he seems to be unaware or insensitive to the way he addresses me, which is worse. He is basically close to devaluing me as a man to others (although, i don't think anyone outside the family has heard him talk to me this way). I am also aware my nephew could be engaging in a subconscious form of what's called "framing" which is basically directing and conducting a conversation that devalues other males around you to make yourself look better. This is a tactic used in the pick up artist world where men compete for women.

I know there are ways I can address this, one of them being cut off contact with my nephew. But my sister (divorced) is not always able to manage her home, her son or her life without my help. I don't mind helping. But it's my exchanges with my nephew that are becoming annoying and a detriment to the quality of my life and contentment. i feel like I'm being subjected to elementary and middle school verbal abuse all over again at 43. In addition, it's not all about me. I'd like to solve this for my sister.

Is my nephew just confusing a real affront to my value with "locker room male talk"? even so, should I, from a Buddhist perspective, have an issue with being devalued by a younger male in private or, more importantly, in public? Or is it just my ego talking here? I'm single and wouldn't mind women being attracted to me but how can they if a 17 year old talks to me this way? I understand a knowledgeable Buddhist wouldn't care but most women care how the man they are with is spoken to.

P.S. I am by no means a pushover (i'm posting this in an effort to avoid beating the crap out of him, quite frankly) and can certainly draw a line when I have to but I know, from Ajahn Bramn's talks, sometimes the more demands you make on others, the worse the problems gets because they will just use your complaints to complain back and resist.

Thanks for any advice anyone can provide.

[MediconStop]

Hi farful,

Welcome to the group.

My suggestions are firstly to try ignoring the bad behaviour and rewarding the good- for a period of perhaps a couple of weeks- which would be ignoring him when he behaves badly and not reacting at all , and then being encouraging and warm when he's friendly and well behaved. See if that makes any difference, it can work sometimes with attention seeking behaviour in teenagers.

Encouraging him to take an interest in a sporting or exercise activity where he can expend some energy would be very good - and maybe you could even share it with him so that you developed a common interest together.

Other than that I would suggest that you and your sister could possibly sit down and have a heart-to heart talk with him to see if anything is troubling him at all and encourage him to talk freely about it.

with kind wishes,

Aloka-D

[swwatch]

Thanks Aloka. I've kind of tried your first suggestion for years and it didn't stop him from developing this behavior. He already plays sports (soccer) and that was a point of contention for me. I had thought cultivating more academic pursuits would produce a certain intellect and emotional intelligence in him. My sister thought different and, well, here we are.

[Jxmwzgpv]

The three of you should perhaps talk together and find out what's troubling him and then you may be able to gradually move forwards to start healing the difficulties you all seem to be having with communication.

I wish you and your family happiness and peace of mind

[masaredera]

welcome Farful

my impression is your nephew is starting to assert himself pervasively in life, and because of the lack of intimate relationships in his life, he is engaging in what you called "framing". he is probably behaving towards you in the same way as he is probably behaving amongst his teenage peers

my view is this could be just a phase and he will grow out of it.

i can recall, whilst not being abusive, i personally rebelled against all authority when i was 14 years old, deciding i would dictate my life (rather than following the wishes of my parents, sports coaches, teachers, school principle, etc)

i can only suggest you be patient and observantly detached...and in fact possibly submit to being the 'fall guy'

your nephew sounds like he is going through the motions and, although you could beat the crap out of him, he may be asserting himself around you: (1) because of wanting to assert his new found authority and (2) because he (subsciously) trusts you and knows you will not beat the crap out of him and/or abuse him verbally

as I said, whilst being blind & oblivious to how stupid he looks, your nephew sounds just like an ordinary teenager going through both his growth phase and growing pains (frustrations)

however, his behaviour is more extreme because of his troubled home life and lack intimacy (thus dispositon to more disrespectfulness)

i would try to empathise more with him rather than take his behaviour to heart

when teenagers make fun of me (on a bus or on the ferry), like called me "dude" and stuff, i just imitate their behaviour until we are all having a good laugh or some of them start siding with me as i cheekily take the micky out of the main protagonist

i recall when i was 14 years old, only my religion teacher, an elderly Brother, had empathy for me. he would mimic me, set traps for me, and, in other ways, garner my rebelliousness and, somehow, turn it against me to cheekily embarrass and/or diffuse me. so the old kind wise Brother worked with my energy rather than against it

with metta

Element

[Usogwdkb]

I dealt with a similar situation with family. He won't be 17 for very long.

Some people mistake selflessness as a weakness. Perhaps you can teach him the difference (I like Element's advice).