[beenBinybelia]

Hi
I've only just joined this forum, and one reason for doing so (and not the only one!) was with the hope of getting some clarity for myself on a situation I am in. I've just been reading other posts about difficult relationships and that were really interesting, and relates in some way. I am about to divorce the father of my son, and due to his violence and extensive deception (its a long story!) I am going for requesting no access to my son. This may not happen eventually, of course, as it is for the court to decide, but it seems likely they'll grant it.

I will try to summarise the important points - so far he has not been a reliable, caring or responsible father, or partner. Throughout the relationship I tended to be understanding and forgiving as problems came up, as I believed then that he wanted to be a family. With hindsight I would have dealt with things differently as he essentially then took advantage and deceived me on several levels. I have always had an interest in Buddhism and since I removed myself from the situation I have got a much clearer view, and I'd say I'm almost there in forgiving both myself and him (by 'myself' I mean for ignoring my gut instincts and allowing myself to be treated badly, I felt some anger with myself about that soon after).

I'm now left with having to make a decision on whether to actively cut my son's father out of my son's life. There are visa implications here - I expect he will be able to remain in the country for other reasons though he is currently here on a spouse visa, on the basis of the marriage.

I am almost certain about asking for no contact. Though I haven't quite got my head around where compassion fits in to this, and don't feel entirely comfortable with it. I try to practice Buddhism in my thoughts and actions - yet I still have a lot to learn. I suppose I'm trying to understand what compassion really is. I let the hurt and the bad feelings go a while back, and started meeting up with him so he could see our son. But that was difficult, he lied to me, didn't show up on time, still tried to get me to do things to help him out (draft letters, applications etc) while evading any kind of financial help for me and our son.

I am clear on my boundaries now, though am unsure how to balance my instinct to protect my son from the same kind of treatment against his right to know his father. I feel completely indifferent to my ex now, I can see how circumstances etc in his life have contributed to the way he is now and have accepted that he is the person he is. If it was just me I would have walked away and let it all go - I can't look on it negatively as the experience has taught me so much, and on many levels. I'm just concerned about how my actions at this point in time will affect my son in the future.

I don't expect anyone to predict that, but I'd really appreciate any views or thoughts on this.
Thankyou for your time... I didn't plan to write this much... !

[Falik]

I don't expect anyone to predict that, but I'd really appreciate any views or thoughts on this.
Thankyou for your time... I didn't plan to write this much... !

Hi brahminykite,
My mother faced the same decision years back with my father. I'm a dad myself now and I can fully appreciate the difficult situation she was in back then. In situations like yours there are so many "what if's?" that it's impossible to gauge the possible outcomes of all of them.

It looks like you have really tried to come up with the best solution for your son, without any vindictiveness. It will take a long time before your son understands why this came to pass but one day when he's older, he'll understand the situation for himself.

Whatever he concludes, you will have at least acted in good faith and to the best of your ability and who can do more than that?

I hope it goes smoothly for you.

Namaste
kris

[AlekseyZubkov]

Welcome brahminykite,

I hope everything is resolved successfully for you and your son.

With metta,

Aloka-D

[Alice_Medichi34]

I hope the best situation works out for you. As far as your dilemma over what to do, perhaps it might help to ask yourself what you would do if the man who happens to be the father was not related at all. If he was just some violent and deceitful person, then what would your choice be? I am not saying that being related doesn't weigh in on the matter, but rather, are you giving that factor too much importance? Just because a person is a relative doesn't meant that they have to get special treatment in all things.

[Misespimb]

As far as compassion goes, the act of simply leaving a situation that was unhealthy and possibly dangerous was an act of self-compassion and compassion for your son.

When people leave an abusive situation, oftentimes the first thing that comes up after the initial vertigo is anger. Anger can be a wonderfully activating force, but it can also be consuming. You'll need to walk a delicate balance between healing the wounds of the past and being careful not to make things worse in the present -- that is, not perpetuating or feeding the flames of unskillful and harmful mind states like anger and resentment. In Buddhism, anger is considered a form of suffering. I like this quote by Vaclav Havel: "The fixation on others, the dependence on them, and in fact the delegation of a piece of one's own identity to them... the hater longs for the object of his hatred." You don't want to go down the path of hatred because it will obsess you and prevent you from moving on with your life.

You'll have to do some analytical weighing. Consider what would be best for your son. I don't know the specific dynamics and circumstances, so you'll have to weigh the pro's and con's of allowing him contact with his son: Would it place your son in a difficult or dangerous position? Is part of your motivation for seeking to end all contact with this man driven by feelings of anger or fear that you may never be able to fully "let go" if he is continually present in your life or your son's? What internal attitude would best allow both you and your ex-husband to heal from a toxic relationship and provide a better future for your son?

[Dildos]

Hello Brahminykite

Welcome to the forum. You have been through a very bad time indeed. It is natural to want to pour it all out of your heart, so don't worry I am sure I and others understand your pain.

I actually think some people such as your partner, are unhelpable and will never change. So in my view removing yourself and your child from him and the situation is the right thing to do. I wish you strength in your situation and hope you find true peace in your life as time goes on.

I really feel for you as my own father was the cause of much unhappiness throughout my and my family's lives. It was a relief when my mother divorced him and we all got away from him.