[seatlyled]

Hello friend

In the dhamma talk session he called me a 'time waster' and repeated this criticism at the following session. At the interview session he was very angry and told me I 'was a long way from dhamma' and that no matter if I renounced my home for 50 days...years..I would never get anywhere. At the time I felt a flood of shame and stayed with the sensations...then that feeling passed rapidly and I went on with the moment by moment noting. I do not know the teacher but such words seem to harsh. However it can be a time for reflection. Reflect on the Dukkha that these remarks caused you. What is the cause of this dukkha? Investigate letting go. Use the four noble truths and you will be close to nibbana

However, as the weeks have gone on I find I have a very tender heart. I feel confused. I have lots of thoughts coming up about being unworthy, failing, and of sadness and loss. My practice is not so full of joy. I am not sure of wanting to be with this teacher again. This is a chance to contemplate impermanence. Sometimes we are full of joy and enthusiasim for the path and then snap, we are confused and sad and maybe even disenchanted

As far as I know the path isnt about constant joy, neither is it constant pain. It is about wisdom and peace found in that wisdom. Joy comes and goes and so does pain, however dukkha does not need to arise and accompany them


My final advice would be to remember that, as Ajahn Chah said, everything teaches us Dhamma. Pain can teach of the nature of aversion, of how much patience and metta we have towards and object or person. Joy can teach us to see impermanence more clearly and the drawbacks of reveling in it


Use wisdom friend, walk the noble eight fold pathnin every experience then dukkha shall never arise and all will be cooled


metta friend

[Ztcgtqvb]

I made this, my first post a few days ago out of a sense of urgency...so now I want to say how much I appreciated your thoughtful responses

Thank you to Cobalt, Aloka-D, Sobeh, Frank, Snowmelt and Kaarine Alejandra for your opinions and thoughts in response to the pain I was experiencing when I wrote of my post-retreat suffering.

I found it difficult to write as it seemed as if I was complaining. Also feel disloyal talking about a situation that is in the past and involves a member of the Sangha.

The variety of expressions echo my own thoughts.....sometimes this way...then...perhaps it is this way...can't believe my own thoughts...so back to the experiencing....back to the present moment...back to the breath... where everything is all-right. Everything changes. nothing stays the same. I am sure all of this is teaching me an important lesson. How to be patient. How to stay with difficult emotions. How I cling to the way I want things to be.

I remember my first retreat with this Sayadaw two years ago.
For every sitting bar one or two I had the most amazingly strong pain in the left side of my back.
I had a great meditation object. The pain was 9 out of ten...like pains of childbirth..the tears flowed with pain and I had waves of heat and then cold.
This pain when sitting lasted for five days. 4am to 10pm

The teacher instructed me to sit longer...1 and a half hours at a time instead of one. but it was relentless.
It would leave only when I stood up ...but three minutes into each sit it was back. I was exhausted.

I got to learn a lot about how my mind works...aversion, bargaining, rejecting..trading and finally giving in altogether...metta...just metta...inviting in the pain of the world.

Seem each retreat brings another deep learning.

with metta

The Buddha tried self mortification and found such methods lacking. Instead there is the middle way between being to slack and to harsh. Your teacher should have known this making you sit through so much pain was clearly not a skillfull thing to do on his part as it obviously seems to have nudged you into self mortification


You know your own body and mind friend, when its to much its to much. Just like when its not enough and you know you can do more. This is wisdom, there is nothing wrong in this


metta

[Bonioners]

As far as I know the path isnt about constant joy, neither is it constant pain. It is about wisdom and peace found in that wisdom. Joy comes and goes and so does pain, however dukkha does not need to arise and accompany them

I liked this... Thanks

:hug:

[saruxanset]

Use wisdom friend, walk the noble eight fold path in every experience then dukkha shall never arise and all will be cooled

Well said, Craig

[attanilifardy]

Originally Posted by clw_uk Use wisdom friend, walk the noble eight fold path in every experience then dukkha shall never arise and all will be cooled

Well said, Craig

Originally Posted by halfcajun Heartbeat, please take care of yourself. Don't let anyone abuse you, hurt you, esp. in the name of spiritual growth!

I definitely second this. Just because someone is a member of the sangha doesn't mean you aren't allowed to disapprove of anything they do, and it doesn't mean you have to submit to everything they seem to think will be good for you. Buddhist teachers are still only people, and no person should ever be in a position of such esteem and authority that they are above accountability or criticism.

You're not a bad person for complaining about a member of the sangha who pressured you to subject yourself to pain (which, frankly, is there so that your body can tell you something is wrong so that you can avoid hurting it), who doesn't seem able to be fair with female practitioners, and who apparently is giving students the idea that they must submit to anything and everything suggested without question.

Take care of yourself. If your sangha isn't interested in letting you do this very very basic thing, they are not your sangha; they're just other Buddhists. Hi Heartbeat, You have already received a lot of supportive and heartfelt feedback from sister and brother Buddhists, and taken it to heart. I think it is not the pain issues as such that some of us are concerned about, but probably more the way they are communicated. You should not feel rejected, that points to a lack of rapport in the relationship with your teacher. You have done a number of retreats now with various teachers, I understand, so is it possible for you to choose one that feels right? Perhaps not an unengaged approach, but one where you feel that honesty and openness, and care are valued?
Best wishes, Jan

[shenacatro]

Hi Heartbeat, You have already received a lot of supportive and heartfelt feedback from sister and brother Buddhists, and taken it to heart. I think it is not the pain issues as such that some of us are concerned about, but probably more the way they are communicated. You should not feel rejected, that points to a lack of rapport in the relationship with your teacher. You have done a number of retreats now with various teachers, I understand, so is it possible for you to choose one that feels right? Perhaps not an unengaged approach, but one where you feel that honesty and openness, and care are valued?
Best wishes, Jan Thank you for this.

I am very grateful for the warmth and wisdom in the many supportive replies I have received.
[The many and varied comments expressing many ways to review and stay with - or to avoid the discomfort, echo the multiple opinions that my mind is also throwing out]

Through expressing my discomfort openly on this forum and by reflecting on the different views, the situation does not seem to be so 'solid' and daunting.

Amazing how much I am learning through this.
Even though it has been uncomfortable and I certainly felt I had been 'whacked' by a piece of 2x4. [an Australian expression?]
I know how much of the 'wanting mind' has been present for me.
So, much clinging.

So now there is a bit more room for calm, insight, wisdom and mindfulness.
The problem is not out there...it is going on in here right now.

There is need for me to make peace with an imperfect world.

I will keep open to fact that I don't always protect myself from harshness. I have a tendency to choose aloof, unapproachable teachers and then want them to be communicative.

Certainly - I will listen to your advice, contemplate, meditate and will wait and see....

Nothing can shake my trust in the Dharma.

Thank you all.
Metta