[Honealals]

Thanks for allowing me to really have a voice on these pages. I'm unfamiliar with publishing things like this. As a family member newcomer to Buddhist practice and a newcomer to the community (For the previous 4-5 years) I really do not know much at all. I welcome your feedback please...in specific from everyone who has arrived at a difficult period in practice...or from girls Buddhists who may be able to comprehend issues from a female perspective. My experience with the theories of Thich Nhat Hanh...then the opportunity to review under a Master in my own town, a pair of 8 day Zen retreats and a conference with a Vipassana teacher moved me via a quantity of Theravada and Vipassana retreats previously several years. The theories maintained and supported me via a variety of difficult life events. The death of my cousin 1-1 months before was recognized easier due to my love for and belief within the dhamma. My instructor, who I respect tremendously, recommended an extended re-treat of thirty days which I started on for your month of April this season. The re-treat was difficult sometimes for my human anatomy as I'm 63 and possess some medical problems...but I was happy and didn't discover the renunciation of family and home also difficult...Many observations got up. Within the last 5 days of the re-treat my teacher became upset with my steps (though I'm not necessarily conscious of what it was I did to displease him..could have now been numerous points). In-the dhamma chat session he called me a time waster' and repeated this complaint in the following session. In the interview program he was very upset and explained I 'was quite a distance from dhamma' and that whether I renounced my house for 50 days...years..I would not get anywhere. During the time I felt a flood of pity and remained with the sensations...then that feeling passed quickly and I continued with the moment by moment observing. Nevertheless, whilst the months have gone on I find I've an extremely soft heart. Personally I think puzzled. I've plenty of ideas arising about being unworthy, a deep failing, and of loss and disappointment. My training isn't therefore filled with pleasure. I'm unsure of attempting to be with this particular teacher again. I simply take responsibility for my present situation...I am aware the teacher provides the student needs to the training at-the time. With the ladies yogis....and there's no chance to examine my thoughts with him that teacher is fierce...mainly. In this city a teacher is just a rare treasure. I had been fortunate enough to locate the Dhamma and the teacher...but there's plenty of putting up with for me personally right now. I'll continue to stay and reflect with one of these emotions. With metta