[RealCHEAPsoftDOWNLOAD]

I feel like I'm coming out of a Dark Night of the Soul. For those are are unfamiliar with this term, it is a period in life of seemingly endless darkness and stagnation. Where the phrase came from, what context and so on is not within my knowledge. I found it within a book on Native American spirituality, but it could come from another source.

The message here is about self-power, will power, suffering, and one's life path.

Sunday night, after a wonderful day. I hadn't felt so happy in months. I think it was the fact I actually spent time outside, in pure sunlight that lifted my mood, since I got up early in the morning. But I got back to my room and began a conversation on line with a friend. She threw some provoking thoughts at me that made me lose control. She stated that spirituality is too important to me, and shouldn't be the center of my existence. She went further to say that I need to become a part of society and like it. If my spirituality goes against society, that it isn't healthy for me. What was most painful, is that she said I'm a being of light, but that my current path is destroying me. That I've been fading out...that she's afraid I'm just slipping. And she put all the blame on my spirituality.

The past few days in particular have been immensely painful. I was emotionally shattered to the point where I was tempted to walk away from life. Quite literally.

The hours passed by with me either crying or sleeping, everything at the moment is quite blurred. I impulsively took everything that had relation to my spiritual path and put it all away in boxes, in drawers or under piles of clothes. I couldn't bare to lay eyes on these things. Anything that reminded me of my faults was too painful to tolerate. Then I tried to convince myself that everything I believe in was a lie. My faith, my path. Everything. That I was a delusional girl making life overly complicated. That going my path was wrong and killing me. The last time I was this close to suicide was back in high school.

While I was questioning all my beliefs, my identity, the very purpose of my existence, I gradually began to think. How does she know what is right or wrong for me and my path? Spirituality isn't the center of her life, but it is the center of mine. I am a spiritual being, engaging in a physical existence...how can spirit be anything other then the center? Even though she is a dear friend, she has persistently been attempting to dissuade me from my path. She thinks if I attempt to become a Shaman I'll lose my mind. Its too dangerous for me. I have no right to pursue it. Or I could never achieve that level because I don't have enough power. I'm not the type of person who becomes a Shaman and therefore shouldn't try, because I don't understand.

But Shamanism does call to me, and it has for a long time. I once had delusions about being a grand recognized Shaman in society. The most enlightened soul on the planet. It was a VERY heart wrenching lesson to learn otherwise. I follow Shamanism because I honestly believe all animals and plants...all life is kin to my own. I want to communicate. I have the gifts and abilities, albeit they are not perfect. But I was enjoying the journey. What does it matter if I get to the end and realize I never became a true Shaman? I have grown closer to that which I love, and have heightened myself as a person in all ways. That is what matters to me.

So the lessons learned thus far, from this experience, is that only I can decide my path. Repressing it and trying to force it away is wrong to the very core of my soul. When I removed spirituality, I felt nothing. Life was empty and there was no purpose to exist. If pursuing spirituality gives me a reason to live, the damn it, whats so bad about that? Its what I love, and who I am. Allowing another person to make these decisions for you is giving away your personal power. Its not wonder I was so wounded and lost. If you hear the beating of another drum, or compose the drum beat your self, you should follow it, despite what others think. Despite whether or not society agrees. You don't have to conform if your values go against the values of the norm.

So I choose to live this life. I choose spirituality as my reason to live. I choose to take my chances and work toward becoming a Shaman, no matter the outcome. I choose to develop the gifts the Great Spirit gave me. I choose to reach people through this method. I choose to be who I truly am. For the first time in my life, I am making a decision that illuminates every core of my being, for myself, because it is the truth.

[laperuzdfhami]

She thinks if I attempt to become a Shaman I'll lose my mind. The very reason to do it!

[beckercpa]

So I choose to live this life. I choose spirituality as my reason to live. I choose to take my chances and work toward becoming a Shaman, no matter the outcome. I choose to develop the gifts the Great Spirit gave me. I choose to reach people through this method. I choose to be who I truly am. For the first time in my life, I am making a decision that illuminates every core of my being, for myself, because it is the truth.

Bravo!

[in4wikiu]

The very reason to do it!

LOL. That was my attitude. I don't see Shamanism as losing the mind, so much as reclaiming the mind and soul. I guess people see it differently.

[lasadeykar]

I choose to reach people through this method. I choose to be who I truly am. For the first time in my life, I am making a decision that illuminates every core of my being, for myself, because it is the truth.

GOOD FOR YOU!!!!

Only you can choose your path, for only you know what your heart and soul are saying.

But I'm a bit confused by the becoming a Shaman...aren't you already one as you walk the path? You may not feel like an elder, overly accomplished one...you are young yet. But by choosing this path, and acknowledging you inborn gifts and talents in this area...you are letting the Shaman in you emerge.

So take ownership of what you are. You are a Shaman...if it feels better make it an Apprentice Shaman. But claim it now, not for the future. It is who YOU ARE!

[jeepgrandch]

I choose to reach people through this method. I choose to be who I truly am. For the first time in my life, I am making a decision that illuminates every core of my being, for myself, because it is the truth.

GOOD FOR YOU!!!!

Only you can choose your path, for only you know what your heart and soul are saying.

But I'm a bit confused by the becoming a Shaman...aren't you already one as you walk the path? You may not feel like an elder, overly accomplished one...you are young yet. But by choosing this path, and acknowledging you inborn gifts and talents in this area...you are letting the Shaman in you emerge.

So take ownership of what you are. You are a Shaman...if it feels better make it an Apprentice Shaman. But claim it now, not for the future. It is who YOU ARE!

As you can see, I still have yet to fine tune my perception. By saying I will become a Shaman still focuses on the out come, not the journey. I guess I am...apprehensive to claim to be a Shaman, because I am, as you said, so young, inexperienced. I would feel bad to call myself such if it would insult accomplished, elder Shamans. But Apprentice Shaman works...I like that. Phoenix and I had a similar conversation once. I told him I've always wanted to be a Priestess, but haven't been given the opportunity to train to become one. He said that I already was one, because I recognized that calling within myself. Its still a foreign concept, but given time I think it will be easier to understand.

[paydayuscf]

Hi Tree,

Wow! What an enlightenment you have undergone.

Tis true. Only you know if the path you are traveling is the right one, or not, for you.

And regarding spirituality, it is said that the Sage is one who is at one with the Manifest (the physical world) but remains firmly rooted in the Mystery (the spiritual world).

We each have our own individual set of capacities and capabilities. The key is to maximize what the creator has given us.

Do your thing!

Peace & Love!

[VIAGRA-VIAGRA]

So I choose to live this life. I choose spirituality as my reason to live. I choose to take my chances and work toward becoming a Shaman, no matter the outcome. I choose to develop the gifts the Great Spirit gave me. I choose to reach people through this method. I choose to be who I truly am. For the first time in my life, I am making a decision that illuminates every core of my being, for myself, because it is the truth.

That is what is called "Taking that leap of faith." May I wish you the best fortunes in the lessons of the Pathway and it's byways, that you will be walking upon in the years to come.

[BPitt]

Twice in the opening of the Dhammapada, Lord Buddha says: "Our life is shaped by our mind; we become what we think."

Walk you path with firmness. Every time you friend attacks you determination and you overcome her efforts, you advance in your spiritual quest. May the Beloved One guide your determination with Understanding, Love, and Compassion. OM Peace Amen!

Hermano Luis
Moriviví Hermitage

[colmedindustry]

I am sorry that your friend said such hurtful things to you. But I am also glad that you are claiming your path. No one else could walk this but you. You deserve every happiness and by walking the path that calls you will bring you that.

[toksenveste]

Good for you!!!!!

[appabessy]

~ Go Grrrl!
You are strong and fine in your purpose and mind.
Don't allow anything to pollute you, your future is yours to embrace & acknowledge.
Follow your vision & seek that knowledge.

[67Irralphaisa]

It turns out I might have misunderstood her, though I still feel she was trying to persuade me to follow a different path. A lot of mentally ill people, especially with Schizophrenia, have the delusion of spirituality. She was afraid that that is the road I was walking and that I'd loose myself into that type of insanity.

But still, I intend to do the things I mentioned. I only hope it doesn't end me up in a mental institution.

[tousuarshatly]

~ What, you're afraid you're crazy? Sorry, 'mentally deranged'? Ooops... 'Ill'.
Darling, following your path is what you were created for. Just as everyone else.

Schizophrenics hear & see things that to them are tooo real & deter them from dealing with reality. You're coping with reality. {Well, what we all agree is such!}

Don't worry about what your friend in her concern says.
If she seriously loves you she will encourage you & understand. Eventually.
You have not posted ever a 'crazy' thing.

You are sane.
You are a wonderful person!
You will find your path & walk it with wisdom & grace.

[Zzvukttz]

Even though you may have misinterpreted your friend's words you still went through this harsh process of having your beliefs challanged and thinking deeply about them, even bordering the path of suicides. In the end you still came out so much stronger than before, your conviction hardened more than ever. This experience was meant to happen, it was meant to test your will. Almost brings a tear to my eye, be proud.

[TiepayWrary]

I had completely forgotten about this post, though I had run into road blocks with her again and again. I don't think she intends to cause me harm at all. She just doesn't understand where my belief structure is coming from. For example, she believe my belief in faeries is fanciful and there because pagans believe in Faeries and thats what I call myself. But really, I believed in Fae before I knew what paganism even was. She doesn't know this.

It is a tough age, trying on many different beliefs to see how they fit in with who you are. I've been having a lot of difficulty. I don't know how to not care when someone attacks my beliefs and derails them. It must be something that takes time and practice. Whether she wants me to head toward Shamanism...or whatever I choose is not really her decision anyway.

To answer your question Joyful, I'm really not sure what being a Shaman means. I've found no teacher to train me, and dislike going by text books. I think that sort of definition defines itself as time goes on. Whether or not I'm going to become a practicing, recognized Shaman is debatable. I have no clue! What I do know is that I'm learning a lot, and that the lessons mean something to be on an intellectual, spiritual and emotional level. I try to practice them...sometimes live them day to day, other times the chaos of school and other matters get in the way. But they're also lessons that are useful.

Thats pretty vague. Anyway, it sounds like you had a wonderful experience. I would love to hear you speak more about being a Healer.

[Heclailia]

Glad to hear the news!

[pushokalex1]

Hello!

What does shaman mean? Are you speaking of red road shaman? There appears to be celtic shaman way as well.

I think shaman choses you. Healer chose me.

My first teacher was inupiat shaman / healer. He taught me healer. I came away from this year of teaching / apprenticeship thinking that the walk of shaman is most difficult and dangerous. He was the real deal and yet fell off the wagon and hurt himself.

I've done lots of thinking about all of this as well as writing. Maybe it is the power that one acquires that one must be responsible for. For example if you are processing emotionally so as not to have your powerful thoughts fly off and hurt someone one should maybe put a containment around self so as to protect the innocent. This is what I think.

There must be other shaman ways. I choose the red road, I like simple and the walk of peace and joy. I am trained in healing now these twenty some years.

Am interested in how things are here. Blessings.

Joyful