[VotsUtegems]

I caught my husband having an affair earlier this year. Apparently he didn't realize that IMs can be saved on his computer, but I did! Seems that he had been unfaithful not once, but 5 times in the last 8 years. In those 8 years we did not have an intimate relationship, mostly because he was unable to (or so I was led to believe). I did try, but he didn't rise to occasion. So, I decided to leave him alone, not to make him feel inadequate. I did suggest many times that a Dr. could help. This was met with "That's a good idea", but nothing more. To make a long story short, we are trying to repair our 20 year old marriage. This was a joint decision because I have invested 20 years with him and did not want to divorce. However, I have a problem with him and sex. After finding out that his plumbing worked just fine, I realized that I wasted 8 years of my life being celibate. I confronted him about all the women, which understandably he was not going to tell me about, but I got it out of him. A few months later, I wanted intimacy, I deserved it. He would not touch me! Kiss yes, touch and sex no. It's been almost a year and he still will not approach me, I have to approach him. He was not like that before and I feel that if we are to work things out, he needs to be more affectionate. Any suggestions as to why he is so hesitant? Also, he won't tell me the name of one of the women. He says that I don't know her and it doesn't matter. I am very curious and think that I have the right to know. Should I drop this? He does not want to talk about any of it. Very tight lipped.

[Progniusis]

Oh, that would make me angry! Sorry you are going through this.
If you don't know her, then what is the harm in knowing her name?
He should be willing to comply, or be wiiling to get his ass kicked to the curb. After all he's done to you.... you deserve an explination in my opinion.

The truth may hurt, but it sure the heck is better than having to sit around and wonder.
Good luck.

[VotsUtegems]

Thanks! I do feel that I have been through alot, be I just don't think he gets it. He has screwed me up and doesn't want to talk about it. Just says "Can't we get past this? I love you and want to get back to normal.".

[Progniusis]

Mine says the same thing. I'm not sure he cheated, but he has secrets and lies to me. So in my mind he is a cheater.
Anyways, I wonder if they do that because they are afraid to face what they've done....or if they are afraid we will find more.
You should become a little detective and not trust him....investigate.
He wants it all back to normal...because that is comfortable for him. DOn't let him fool you again, you don't deserve it. IF you are mad enough like I am, make him think it is all "back to normal" don't show any sign of not trusting him. But don't in fact trust him, he has lost that right.
When cheaters think they are gettn away with it all...they keep it up, and get sloppy, so never let your guard down, you will find more!

[VotsUtegems]

I don't trust him. I have been checking all his emails, both work and personal. I always ask questions and have subscribed to several sites where you can check email address, phone numbers and do people searches. That's how I found the names for the three that I do have. Names and addresses! I tried to contact one, but she emailed him back! He said to leave her alone, that it was all his fault and not to contact her again. What do you think, am I acting obsessed or should I contact the others and get the whole story?

[Progniusis]

Quite honestly, if he knows you are checking his emails n stuff, he will be more clever about it.
There is a small chance he is telling the truth.....BUT I would not bank on that for anything.
HE could have set that up, to make it look like he was telling her to leave him alone....just so you would think so, but I can't say for sure as I don't know the situation well.

I would do my best not to make it look like you are suspicious.

From my own personal experience: I was jealous a bit before...probably for good reason.
BUt I have stopped all that for quite a while now. I wasn't insane jealous...but I asked for facts and answers for things before all thetime, even in nice conversive ways.

WELL.....when I was NOT jealous or asking questions all the time...my man got sloppy thinkin I was not on to him....cause I wasn't. And all of a sudden one day, I caught him with a secret comp...watching ****, and I think he was cybering some online *****s. ANd I know there is more....but
Anyways........... the moral is: when they think you are not suspicous or whatever, they will get sloppy and slip up.
I would not truat that email, I personally think it sounds like a plot to make you think he is being good now. I would not contact her myself, just in case...but I would get a keylogger

[Progniusis]

Just re-reading: did SHE say to him to leave her alone?
Or did HE tell her to leave HIM alone?

[VotsUtegems]

The story goes that she tried to get money out of him for not telling me. He told her goodbye and that he would call the police if she didn't stop. I think she thought that my email was his and she told him that she was leaving him alone, so he should leave her alone. This one I kinda believe. I did see the email.

[YmolafBp]

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[imporrilk]

I'm sorry that this has happen and after 20 years, you are still experiencing trust issues. I have been married for 2 1/2 so I guess if I decide to stay married this is what I could possibly have to look forward to. I guess the bottom line for me is....when we choose to stay in these type of situations, we can't keep bringing up the past. We know that they lied, cheated, disrespected and manipulated. Once we decide to stay, we have accepted that as the past if we choose to move forward. At some point we have to let it go and not hold them hostage! Again, that if we've decided to stay. if you keep looking for answers, it will just make the both of you miserable and he will either end up cheating again or just leaving.

[FloareTraurne]

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[FloareTraurne]

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[VotsUtegems]

SIS,
I have known since Dec.6,08. He was caught that day. I am 50 (soon to be51) and that means that most of my 40s there was no sex. I have Lupus and several other issues. However, I still look good! His first affair begun just after I started to get ill and had hives all over my body for 7 months! After that, one affair right after the other. Until the last one that got him got caught. Also, I didn't really explain the sex part very clearly: We didn't have relations until March or April of this year, after much coaxing, arguing and demanding on my part. He said that he couldn't touch me because he felt so guilty. Huh? After that, we might have sex once a week, BUT, it is up to me to initiate it. He won't voluntarily approach me. If I want it, I have to go to him. He still won't touch or kiss me in the intimate parts, but will have intercourse after I arouse him. I find that strange. The question I have is "why"? Any answers to this? Oh, and why do I want sex? It had been 8 years, need I say more. Thanks.

[xtrudood]

Sometimes people fall out of love with their significant others but don't have the "courage" to leave them. If you was to leave him he probably wouldn't put up a fight.....Might this be the case in your situation? Maybe he doesn't want to leave you due to your illness.....
what you have to decide is if you really want to stay with someone that you have to beg and plead for love and affection. It's not fair that you have to do this when he willingly gave away his affection to others so freely.

[VotsUtegems]

windowsdown: Many thanks for the reply. It gives me something to think about.