[WeissVine]

well said breemood.

I'd like to comment on the thing about people admitting their wrong doing and trying to better themselves and make amends.

Even though I am a firm believer of once a cheater always a cheater...it would be rare that someone never cheats again...cuz even if they don't cheat...deep down you know they'd like to.

But if they can change...then it really can't be with the person they betrayed...because with that person it will never really be the same. Sure there may be some success stories of people that forgave their cheater and things seemed to be ok from there on out...but is it really?

Before I decided on divorce....I told my wife that we would work on the marriage...and from her perspective we were doing just that...but I really was just reeling inside. The fact that I found out she was still messing around was irrelevant as to whether I truly forgave her or not. I really hadn't and knew that even though I put on a happy face, I was just constantly feeling resentment towards her inside.

[Hoijdxvh]

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[QqJamxqP]

Muffin, I have to respectfully disagree with you on one thing while agreeing with you on another. I have not thought about cheating again since the day that I did it. I can honestly tell you that I will never do this again. I know that it's difficult for you to believe me but you have to know that it was out of character for me to do it in the first place. It's sad that I had to compromise everything that I ever believed over something and someone that was not worth my while but if I learned one thing is that it is not something that I ever want to do again. I didn't get anything positive out of it, everything that I got was negative. It is destroying the people that I love and care for in my life and they don't even know that it happened....that's an experience that I never want to have again. I don't know why people will do it repeatedly or even think about doing it. It escapes me but it is not my case. On the other hand, I tend to agree with you that it would be difficult to make a go at it with my husband after I cheated. I don't think that he would be able to get the thought out of his mind and I don't think that he would ever trust me again ... not that I would blame him cause I would not ever trust him again either. A relationship without trust would just not work for either of us. We are going to counseling to get through the next year before we go our separate ways but I can tell you that it's looking like we may not make it that long. I don't know why but I hope that you will believe me - there are some of us that do learn our lessons. Maybe it's rare but we are out there.

[HakSpeame]

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[HakSpeame]

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[WeissVine]

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[paydayuscf]

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[paydayuscf]

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[Hoijdxvh]

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[QqJamxqP]

I agree with you all. There should be no second chances for cheaters. I can't get the image out of my mind of being with someone else and it was one time many months ago, so how can my husband possibly do it? It's something that will always be there and not in a good way. To boot, I know what I did and how I did it so how can I trust anyone else not to do the same thing to me? It's a double-edged sword that I created and can't take back.

We will separate when he retires because he still wants to leave -he still says it's what he will do regardless of whether I go with him or not. That has not changed since last year. I have my own cynicism about marriage.

[paydayuscf]

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[Hoijdxvh]

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[Hoijdxvh]

I would like to thank the people who have been unfaithful to their spouses and have come here seeking advice and direction. I don't want to thank all of you, especially not the justifiers, but the ones who have admitted their wrong decision and looked for ways to heal and make amends for their behavior.

We have had cheaters on here( and other sites) that only get on to justify why they did wrong and to blame others for their actions. Guiltyparty is one that comes to mind. Even though the right thing is hard to do and it may take awhile to get there, she is continuing to move forward. Good luck to all of you who decide that the adult thing to do is own up to your actions, except responsibility and the consequences.

I don't like the defenders of the cheaters either. You don't have any more morals than they do.

[QqJamxqP]

Hey, Bree. When people try to justify cheating, they are either trying to justify it to themselves so they don't feel so bad or they are truly just cr*ppy people. I have read some of the posts and I don't understand the people who cheat over and over again. The kicker was the person who said that her one-night affair was the best thing that ever happened to her - talk about stupid! Anyway, I made an appointment for me and my husband to see a marriage counselor. I didn't know that my insurance covered it and I finally called today and we are going in a few weeks - that was the soonest they could take us in. I've never been to counseling and I've read some of the posts here so I don't know what to expect but I'm hopeful that it will help and that things will come out when we get to talking. I will keep you posted.

[Meowmeowz]

Hey there, counseling will only give you what you take from it. Let me break that down. If you find a counselor who you guys "fit" with, and you feel you can be comfortable, honest and open, then you'll really benefit from it. All counseling is, is a forum, a platform for your husband and you to talk your issues out, and it offers a structured way of dealing with those issues so you can heal from them in the best way possible.

As for cheaters, I've been caught up in trying to figure out not only HOW someone can do it continuously, but when caught completely justify it. I guess it may be that if the cheater didn't justify it, then he/she would have to actually DEAL with the consequenses, and they're too weak to do that, so they just make their excuses. It's a defense mechanism, a way to survive their cr.appy actions.

But the ones who DO have the balls to admit to their mistakes actually have the opportunity to heal. And that's what counts in the end.

I wish you and your husband the best of luck in therapy, and in your ultimate recovery.

~sweetface

[Hoijdxvh]

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[Meowmeowz]

That is true. I stand corrected.

[QqJamxqP]

Bree, you are right. When I cheated, I planned the day and time on which I got together with the om. I had an evening away from home planned already and took advantage to see him instead of being alone. I told my husband that I was going to be alone and that I could not have any interruptions because I was going to be doing work. So, yes, it is not an accident. There is planning and lying going on - even when you know you are wrong, you continue and there is no excuse. Regarding counseling, we are supposed to go to a group session for a couple of hours then we go to the individual couples session. I talked to my husband tonight and we are both hoping that we can get some help - at least for the time that we will be together. I'm hoping that it doesn't backfire and cause more problems - scary. My appt is not until Sept 25th so it's a while before we go.

[Hoijdxvh]

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