[avaiftBoara]

Hey Legs,
How's the Old Dog?

Yup - I like it.

Cracker was also cool for you, but the pet-plus-ma model reconstituted my own identity into "Fluffy Lazzerini".

And I couldn't bear it.

Perhaps I am oversensitive to gin-soaked memories of a performing poodle at a popular transvestite bar in the South of France, but "Fluffy" doesn't quite carry the ring of true blues credibility. Does it?

Crippled Parker, now...
Insignificant but authentic.
And the limp comes real easy.

CP

[Jffxljtw]

p.p.s. But his "Blues Name" is Crippled Fingers Lee.

[D6b2v1HA]

Squeek Quan!!

My fave was non-blues beverages include Snapple or Slim Fast.

[VomsVomaMew]

Mel, you realize, of course, that it's "Cracker Hawkins" from now on!

By the way, Brian Nation is my blues name, given to me by The Devil, whom I met at the crossroads a couple of years ago. My actual birth name is Fast Eddie Hackensack.

[Jffxljtw]

I know this is meant as satire, but there are aspects of it that are not at all far from the truth. Apparently there is a company in San Francisco that buys old "distressed" jeans from actual cowboys and then re-sells them to people whose lifestyle does not offer them the opportunity to beat up their own clothes in a similar manner, but who nonetheless don't want to appear at the latest trendy wateringhole looking like what they actually are( self-involved candy-asses ). I remember reading a magazine article about 15 years ago that predicted the next hot fashion accessory would be " a pawn shop saxophone, worn insouciantly about the neck".
I assume they meant something light like a soprano or an alto, although the thought of some fashionista swanning around at gallery openings with a baritone around his or her neck kinda cracks me up.

And of course what is "heroin chic" after all, but a glossy magazine version of the "ass-less crack-head look' so popular in parts of the downtown eastside.

White trash chic = Dixie Chicks and Shania Twain ( immortalized by Steve Earle's description of her as " the highest paid lap dancer in Nashville".)

The latest incarnation of the folk boom of the early 60's, "Roots Music" ( don't get me wrong. I actually like some of this stuff. I'm just pointing out that trends tend to keep coming around.) requires that one dress like an Appalachian rustic circa 1932.

But the one that really cracked me up was a criticism often levelled at Colin James early in his career. He was "too good looking" to play the blues. You're right Cherie, apparently blues fans prefer their stars to be whacked once or twice with the ugly stick.

John D.

p.s. Colin James' real name is Colin Munn.

[irrelaAnnekly]

Nellie Peters.... and Maker's Mark isn't a blues bourbon! Only Jack would do, I would think....

[nd90t3sf]

My sister's cat was 'Puddy-Cat' and my brother's was 'Ratmeade the Usurper'.

I'm going to stick with my middle name of Wilson and go with Big Willie.

I don't know what the rules are about Big and Little but part of me won't enjoy being called Little Willie.

This is just a request, of course, offered to the "Vancouverjazz.com Blues Board of Voting Members".

[D6b2v1HA]

Believe it or not I found this on the Canucks newsgroup from some guy named Scott. Most excellent!
jk



Blues DO's and DON'Ts ...


1) Most Blues begin, "Woke up this morning..."
2) "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, 'less you stick
something nasty in the next line like, "I got a good woman, with the meanest
face in town."
3) The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it.
Then find something that rhymes ...sort of: "Got a good woman with the
meanest face in town. Yes, I got a good woman with the meanest face in
town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher, and she weigh 500 pound."

4)The Blues is not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a
ditch--ain't no way out.


5) Blues cars: Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs and broken- down trucks. Blues
don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues
transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft an'
state sponsored motorpools ain't even in the running. Walkin' plays a major
part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.

6) Teenagers can't sing the Blues. Adults sing the Blues. In Blues
"adulthood" means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a
man in Memphis.

7) Blues can take place in New York City but not in
Hawaii, Redondo Beach or Phoenix. Hard times in
Minneapolis or Seattle is probably just clinical
depression. New Orleans, St. Louis, and Kansas City
are still the best places to have the Blues. You
cannot have the blues in any place that don't get
rain.

8) A man with male pattern baldness ain't the blues. A woman with male
pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg cause you skiing is not the blues.
Breaking your leg 'cause a alligator be chomping on it is.

9) You can't have no Blues in a office or a shopping mall. The lighting is
wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.



10) Good places for the Blues: a) Highway; b)
> jailhouse; c) Empty bed; d) Bottom of a whiskey glass.

Bad places for the Blues: a) Starbucks; b) Gallery
openings; c) Ivy League institutions; d) Golf courses

11) No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you happen
to be a old ethnic person, and you slept in it for many months

12) Do you have the right to sing the Blues?

Yes, if a) You older than dirt; b) You blind; c) You shot a man in Memphis;
d) You can't be satisfied.

No, if a) You have all your teeth; b) You were once blind but now can see;
c) The man in Memphis lived; d)You have a 401K or trust fund.

13) Blues is not a matter of colour. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods
cannot sing the blues. Sonny Liston could. Ugly white people also got a leg
up on the blues....country people; not city folks.

14) If you ask for water and your darlin' give you gasoline, it's the Blues.
Other acceptable Blues beverages are:
a) Cheap wine;
b) Whiskey or bourbon;
c) Muddy water;
d) Nasty black coffee.

The following are NOT Blues beverages:
a) Perrier;
b) Chardonnay;
c) Snapple;
d) Slim Fast.

15) If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues death.
Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So is
the electric chair, substance abuse and dying lonely on a broken down cot.
You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or getting
liposuction.


16) Some Blues names for women:
a) Sadie;
b) Big Mama;
c) Bessie;
d) Fat River Dumpling

17) Some Blues names for men:
a) Joe;
b) Willie;
c) Little Willie;
d) Big Willie

18) Persons with names like Michelle, Amber, Debbie, Morris, and Heather
can't sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.

19) Make your own Blues name Starter Kit:
a) Name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.)
b) First name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi, etc. )
c) Last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)
d) For example, Blind Lime Jefferson, Jakeleg Lemon
Johnson or Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, etc. (Well, maybe not "Kiwi.")

20) I don't care how tragic your life, if you own a computer, or a BMW, you
cannot sing the blues.



Scott

[steansathtpos]

Guy, all is not lost. We could tweak the spelling a bit: Skippa D. la Hit.

Isn't "Snapple in a Dirty Glass" a Tom Waits tune?

[nd90t3sf]

Well this used to be a light, amusing thread. Thanks for starting it, Mr. Reno.

[steansathtpos]

And here's how to find out YOUR blues name:

1) The name of your first pet? This will be your new, blues first name.
2) Your mother's maiden name? Your blues last name.

For example, my blues name is "Cracker Hawkins". (More manageable than Melody Diachun.)

I'd love to hear some more examples!

[steansathtpos]

Thanks Lazz!
Doug and I are now a.k.a. "Old Dog Davis" and "Jailhouse Legs Dupree" ... in that order. (But I still like Cracker Hawkins.)

[theonsushv]

Skipper de la Hitte. That doesn't sound too bluesy to me.

[KaterinaNJq]

In today's market people are creating jobs for themselves one step back from a real job. It is all middle marketing. For instance, some are creating on line directories of on line directories. I wonder how many people have been creating a traditional image for wanna beblue blues' singers. It probably goes like this...the potential blues" star" is assessed and advised as to a more genuine image. He or she must be either deadly Pre-Raphaelite pale, the skin irridescent under the smoke-filtered green light of the pub, or must be shaked and baked to a been-picking-tobacco in-the-southern-sun-for-four-generations-in-my-one-onliest-lifetime look. Part of the "devival" team would be a dentist for cosmetic crumbled crowns, a stylist to create a look for folks who share a shard of broken mirror hung on the darkest wall of a shack with no electricity. The designer "blues wear" jeans would have a leg up on the urine-colored, artificially worn, highlights on today's yuppie jeans. The genuine blues stars wear jeans that are impregnated with every moment of their lives in the past three years. Last, is the personal trainer teaching the body to look abused and distressed. The singer should have a look that is exhausted and exulted (but I guess just being on the road enough would help.) No matter what the client's age, the audience's reaction should be.. "I can't believe ( he or she) is really.....( add age) or only.....(add age)" It is not just the name, it is presentation that makes "reality" in the music market.

[avaiftBoara]

From the first list, take the name using the initial of yo' first name.
From the second list, do the same with yo' middle name.
From the third, yo' surname.

First List
A=Fat; B=Muddy ; C=Crippled; D=Old; E=Texas; F=Hollerin'; G=Ugly; H=Brown; I=Happy; J=Boney; K=Curly; L=Pretty; M=Jailhouse; N=Peg Leg; O=Red; P=Sleepy; Q=Bald; R=Skinny; S=Blind; T=Big; U=Yella; V=Toothless; W=Screamin'; X=Fat Boy; Y=Washboard; Z=Steel-Eye

Second List
A=Bones; B=Money; C=Harp; D=Legs; E=Eyes; F=Lemon; G=Killer; H=Hips; I=Lips; J=Fingers; K=Boy; L=Liver; M=Gumbo; N=Foot; O=Mama; P=Back; Q=Duke; R=Dog; S=Bad Boy; T=Baby; U=Chicken; V=Pickles; W=Sugar; X=Cracker; Y=Tooth; Z=Smoke

Third List
A=Jackson; B=McGee; C=Hopkins; D=Dupree; E=Green; F=Brown; G=Jones; H=Rivers; I=Malone; J=Washington; K=Smith; L=Parker; M=Lee; N=Thompkins; O=King; P=Bradley; Q=Hawkins; R=Jefferson; S=Davis; T=Franklin; U=White; V=Jenkins; W=Bailey; X=Johnson; Y=Blue; Z=Allison

Lazz

[Jffxljtw]

Timolius Moe.

I'll have a Maker's Mark. Neat.

[irrelaAnnekly]

Jailhouse Killer Hopkins? That doesn't make much sense.... hahaha

[SDorothy28]

Misty Kemp. Sounds more like a stripper's name than a blues singer. Peeler's Blues, anyone?

[Jffxljtw]

If one is of the Judeo-Christian Modernist Blues school , he would, of course , have been The Devil ( or " de Debbil", to employ the vernacular). As a subscriber to the more holistic, pre-colonialist mode of Pan-African musical expression, I prefer to think of him as Legba, The Trickster, or , in the New World, Papa Legba, symbol of light-as-creation, the solar-phallic source of the world.

Refering to him as the Devil, is, it seems to me, merely a means of continuing reification of the neo-colonialist gaze.


p.s. Yes, I know. Use of the word "reification" means I can never, ever sing the blues.

Waiter! I'll have a Snapple. In a dirty glass.