[Ambrakam]

A young man walks onto the stage of Stars in their Eyes, on crutches,
with a plaster cast from his feet to his hips. Matthew Kelly introduces him
as Simon.

"'It's very brave of you to come out here Simon,' says Matthew. 'Please tell
the audience what happened?'

'Well' replies Simon 'about a year ago, I was driving with my uncle when
we had a really bad accident.

Unfortunately my uncle was killed outright but I survived. I was trapped
in the car for six hours before I was eventually cut free.' 'The doctors
had me in surgery for 12 hours but they couldn't save my legs.'

'That's terrible. But I see you have legs now. Are they artificial?' asks Matthew.

'No Matthew, while I was in hospital the doctors informed me that my
uncle had in fact died, but that his legs were fine and with all the
advances in medical science, they could graft the bottom half of his body onto mine.
As you can see the operation was successful. I have been having
physiotherapy for six months and hope to be walking fully again by the end
of the year.

A huge round of applause erupts from the audience.

Kelly responds with: 'That's an unbelievable story. So tonight, who are
you going to be?'

Well tonight, Matthew, I am going to be Simon and Halfuncle'

[neictscek]

/yawns

Here´s one that almost made me smile.


A hillbilly farmer from back in the hills walked twelve miles, one way, to the general store.
"Heya, Wilbur," said Sam, the store owner. "tell me, are you and Myrtle still making fires up there by rubbing stones and flint together?"
"You betcha, Sam. Ain't no 'tother way. Why?"
"Got something to show you. Something to make fire. It's called a 'match'."
"'Match'? Never heard of it."
"Watch this. If you want a fire you just do this," Sam says, taking a match and striking it on his pants."
"Huh. Well, that's something, but that ain't for me, Sam."
"Well, why not?"
"I can't be walking twelve miles every time I want a fire and borrow your pants."

[hellencomstar]

damn both of those are horrible, holy crap!
________
how to roll a joint

[teentodiefows]

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle, named Cuddles, along for the company. One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he’s lost.. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old poodle thinks, “Oh, oh! I’m in deep **** now!” Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, “Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?”

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. “Whew!” says the leopard, “That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!”

Meanwhile a monkey, who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, “Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what’s going to happen to that conniving canine!

Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, “What am I going to do now?”, but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn’t seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says loudly, “Where’s that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!”

[teentodiefows]

Went to the supermarket the other day and I thought i saw your name on a Loaf of Bread, Then I realized it said “Thick CUT”

...and

Scientists have discovered a food that diminshes a womans sex drive by 90%...

...Its called a wedding cake

...finally

what do hillbillies do for halloween?

pumpkin


That's enough for Wednesday...

[mincbiori]

damn both of those are horrible, holy crap!

pretty much, yes.

[2swasseneons]

Wow, I have not laughed that much since I don't know when...

[Dpkefsuf]

joke

That made me lol [thumbup]