[refdhbgtd]

Salaams brothers and sisters and respected elders.

Just for the record I am 18 years old and my mum is 38. They have been divorced from my '' ... for 15 years now.. they have not married since.
They are in the process or thinking or even arranging to get married.
I said yes at the time when mum was upset and crying.. telling me that they were loneley etc.. in the heat of the moment I said im fine with it.. if it makes mum happy

But now that all this is hitting home, I cant bare the thought.. im going to tell mum that ill move out? this sounds silly I know but, I cant bare another man, any man infact to live with us. It's just weird, Iv'e grown up with no father at all.. never seen him. Iv'e been the man of the house all my life-from a young age, now for some next guy too come along is just weird... and it sickens me unfortunatley. Also my younger sister is at an age now where she is becoming a woman and this is another concern I have.. I just dont feel comftarble again with another man too be around the house whilst my sister is around.

Too cut the long story short...mum has been through alot.. I mean a heck of alot of rubbish and if anyone deserves to be happy then its my beautiful mother and I really really dont want to be the cause of that not happening. They said they wont marry if Im not happy.. but how can I say im not happy and be so selfish because I really want them to be happy. Because they still feel they havent moved on from their last marriage which was 15 years ago.

Also the man who is supposed to get married .. if they get marrried. Is a relative-my cousin brother.
My dad and his dad were brothers and his mother also had problems with my ''uncle.. they werre just a really cruel family. Mum says thats why they want to marry him as he understands what mum went through as he went through the same stuff and mum still has nightmares.. thats how bad there ex marriage was and they say they cant bare to open all that up with another man. and this guy has been through it and he is also family. Then at the same time hes my mums cousin brother because his mum and my grandma are sisters. and hes alot younger than mum, hes about 22,23. But he is mature apparently. I dont know him very well.. as hes from back home and the couple of times I was there we were like brothers, iv'e chilled out with him etc and for all this too be going on right under my nose without me knowing makes me want to kill him when I grab hold of him.

When Im out with mum..I already get mistaken for there husband :/ or brother as they look really young and with this guy.. there going to think where all siblings lol and also if people see my mum with him, I dont need my friends asking me whos that etc.. then I have to tell em its my mums hubby

So as you can see this is all tricky and sticky and im seriously not happy with this, I wish I could bite my tounge and swallow these feelings..

Mum has also done istikhara which came back very good.

Jazak'Allah for reading.. please remember me and my family in your duas and any knowledgeable advice from experienced readers would be greatly appreciated.

[johnlohanmclee]

Salam brother, I am in a similar situation as you. No one deserves to be alone brother, everyone needs and wants a companion and I know it can be difficult to imagine your mother with another man but think about it in your mother's shoes. She looked after, loved you and never left you, she was the most selfless person in your life. It is time to think about your mother, put her first brother. You are 18 so I am assuming yourself will be thinking about marriage soon too, so where will your Mother go when you are pre-occupied with your wife and inshAllah future children? Your mother will want a companion and does not want to be alone when you have your own family.

I am in a very similar situation and what my Mother has done for me is incredible and I will support my Mother till the end of the sun, after what she has done for me, she deserves my support.

Allah will bring good out of everything brother, support your mother for what she wants, InshAllah, with your mother's happiness you will be happy.

Salam

[pobrierce]

You guys are really understanding. May Allah make it easy for you. ameen.

[buyviagraonlineusatoday]

If the man is good you should let your mother get married. After all a person needs a spouse. i think that you should just accept him into your life and if he tries to mistreat your mother you can always knock him out. This is not to say that i don't feel what you are going through but you said istikhara came out okay and you will eventually need to carry on with your own life plus your mother needs someone. So in a nutshell the answer to your question is don't be selfish. Please forgive me if you feel offended by my post.

[Abarricoss]

I don't think you are being selfish. Since neither you nor your sister are little and you both live at home, I think your concerns are quite valid. I would suggest you talk to your mother about these concerns. It is better that you, your family (and the potential groom) consider all of this beforehand.

Out of all of your concerns, the one that I think is the most important to sort out is the one that relates to your sister.

[edit: I do not mean to imply that you should oppose their marriage, only that you should talk to your mother about what is on your mind.]

[Ruidselisse]

i think you should put yur mothers happiness first and do whatever makes her happy

but there is something that is quite a concern from what i have noticed about people from back home

the whole age thing....a lot of guys from back home have zero criteria when finding a wife except one thing....she must be a UK citizen. Just try and find out what his motives are....it could be that he is sincere there just aint too many young guys nowadays who will marry someone that much older than them who has kids etc

[mireOpekrhype]

If your mother wants to marry him, then let her. She wouldn't even be considering marriage unless she wanted a husband for one reason or another. Don't stand in the way of her marriage just because your friends might think it's weird or just because you think it's weird. As long as you are happy with his deen, then let her marry. Do not stand in the way of this bro (if his character is agreeable from an islamic perspective). I can also understand what you are going through but we must also look at it from your mothers perspective; imagine if you were at her age and without a wife despite wanting one, would you be happy?

[Wahwlsnt]

I don't think you are being selfish. Since neither you nor your sister are little and you both live at home, I think your concerns are quite valid. I would suggest you talk to your mother about these concerns. It is better that you, your family (and the potential groom) consider all of this beforehand.

Out of all of your concerns, the one that I think is the most important to sort out is the one that relates to your sister.

[edit: I do not mean to imply that you should oppose their marriage, only that you should talk to your mother about what is on your mind.]

Wise advice sister...I hope the brother take heed of this.It is not wise in this day and age to be jumping into marriage until everything important is discussed.He did say his mother had made Istakara..very good but as the Prophet[saws] said:trust in Allah and tie your camel.

I agree the brother have valid concerns.

[zithromaxlinks]

Akhi, I think you have valid concern with regards to your sister and the well-being of your mom.

But I also think there are other issues you need to address. One of them being your mom has been alone for 15 years. If this opportunity slips, will she need to wait another 15 years? Once you and your sister have married and started your own lives, your mom will have alot of time on her hands and feel even more lonely. I also agree with sister Acacia with regards to marrying people back home. But if your mom has done istihkara and this has come out positive then perhaps the brothers intentions are geniune. Perhaps there may be little bit of selfishness of him wanting to move abroad, but we all have that aspect in us. We all look for a particular 'type' of spouses that may include other selfish reasons to marry them. I am not saying that is the reason he wants to marry your mom. I dont know whats in his heart only Allah swt does. Insha'allah the istihkaara will clarify all these concerns. Ensure his deen and character are sound.

With regards to your sister - until she marries (sister) it will be little difficult as she will need to be more mindful of her actions and manners but insha'allah it will be only for a few years till she marries. And if you remained to live with them till your sister marries, you can keep an eye on whats happening in the household aswell.

I can also relate to your mother when she wants to marry someone who knows her past. Imagine if you have to explain your past to every suitor that comes along. Sometimes it can start feeling as your defending yourself (with the number of questions that are being asked) and also opening up all those emotions that you have blocked away always leaves you feeling unsettled always having to go down memory lane. Some of use deal with emotions/past better than others.

Finally, about what people think ... when he comes to live with you guys, just take him out with you and introduce him to your friends. Approach the situation heads on. And what others think of you as a family, who cares! If you have to correct them, so be it. I live with my brother and people mistake us all the time. Instead of his sister, I'm his wife. Can be awkward but we just correct them. Once when I was a teenager, my dad was mistaken as my husband!! (and we do look like father n daughter) or the funniest has to be when I went abroad for a week with my son and nephew. Everyone thought my nephew was my hubby and the father of my son I can understand the the first part of us being married but the second part?? My nephew didnt look old enough to his father? So there you have it, plenty of confusion and just makes you laugh really.

[forexsoft]

Salaams brothers and sisters and respected elders.

Just for the record I am 18 years old and my mum is 38. They have been divorced from my '' ... for 15 years now.. they have not married since.
They are in the process or thinking or even arranging to get married.
I said yes at the time when mum was upset and crying.. telling me that they were loneley etc.. in the heat of the moment I said im fine with it.. if it makes mum happy

But now that all this is hitting home, I cant bare the thought.. im going to tell mum that ill move out? this sounds silly I know but, I cant bare another man, any man infact to live with us. It's just weird, Iv'e grown up with no father at all.. never seen him. Iv'e been the man of the house all my life-from a young age, now for some next guy too come along is just weird... and it sickens me unfortunatley. Also my younger sister is at an age now where she is becoming a woman and this is another concern I have.. I just dont feel comftarble again with another man too be around the house whilst my sister is around.

Too cut the long story short...mum has been through alot.. I mean a heck of alot of rubbish and if anyone deserves to be happy then its my beautiful mother and I really really dont want to be the cause of that not happening. They said they wont marry if Im not happy.. but how can I say im not happy and be so selfish because I really want them to be happy. Because they still feel they havent moved on from their last marriage which was 15 years ago.

Also the man who is supposed to get married .. if they get marrried. Is a relative-my cousin brother.
My dad and his dad were brothers and his mother also had problems with my ''uncle.. they werre just a really cruel family. Mum says thats why they want to marry him as he understands what mum went through as he went through the same stuff and mum still has nightmares.. thats how bad there ex marriage was and they say they cant bare to open all that up with another man. and this guy has been through it and he is also family. Then at the same time hes my mums cousin brother because his mum and my grandma are sisters. and hes alot younger than mum, hes about 22,23. But he is mature apparently. I dont know him very well.. as hes from back home and the couple of times I was there we were like brothers, iv'e chilled out with him etc and for all this too be going on right under my nose without me knowing makes me want to kill him when I grab hold of him.

When Im out with mum..I already get mistaken for there husband :/ or brother as they look really young and with this guy.. there going to think where all siblings lol and also if people see my mum with him, I dont need my friends asking me whos that etc.. then I have to tell em its my mums hubby

So as you can see this is all tricky and sticky and im seriously not happy with this, I wish I could bite my tounge and swallow these feelings..

Mum has also done istikhara which came back very good.

Jazak'Allah for reading.. please remember me and my family in your duas and any knowledgeable advice from experienced readers would be greatly appreciated.

i cant believe after what your family had been through your father's hands, you still consider marrying your mother off to his family? They all come from the same mould..!

[Ruidselisse]

i cant believe after what your family had been through your father's hands, you still consider marrying your mother off to his family? They all come from the same mould..!

not necessarily...although it does seem to make things quite complicated....it maybe better to find someone local rather than someone from abroad

[refdhbgtd]

Thank you all for your replys and they are not offending me.. just broadning my view on the topic

He looks like my brother, hes wayyyyy younger than mum hes like 23 and mums like 38! it's not about coming to england as they are minted and own loads of places in the ARAB WORLD. I think it is genuine, no hidden agendas but look further down and you will see my problem now.

First of all everyone my aim in life IS to look after my mother, take her where ever I go- Provide for her and waite on her hand and foot. So in the sense of us siblings getting married and moving away is not really an issue as I WANT too and also feel that it's a MUST as everything my mother has sacrificed and done for us. Also in our religion.. Mothers are the PINICAL if not then ONE' of them. But then I know a son and a husband are two different things. :/

Sister 'firaswagner..if you read it all carefully, you will see that- the Proposed guy who wants to marry my mum, is my cousin brother- his dad and mine were brothers. and my mums mum-grandma and his mum are sisters. So therefore he's my mums cousin brother aswell. I would never let my mum ACTUALLY get married in that family, but there father was the same sort of menace.. mine was. So him and his family went through the same stuff mine did. If you get where Im going with this.


If I really really wanted to I think I could maybe but MY MANLY EMOTIONS too a side and allow my mum to get married to him.
But my mum has been speaking to him over the phone for the past couple of years. They also went to another country, where they both met too discuss ''marriage'' and all that comes along with it. But we were told by mum they were going somewhere for work, they've never been anywhere.. not even in the country so there were no suspicions and mum is a practicing woman.

Now the fact that my mother went and did this is very wrong of them. But for this man too go along with it..goes against my principles completeley because if he wanted to do this marriage thing properly, he should have asked ME for my mothers handd in marriage right? but for him to ACTUALLY go to another country and meet my mother and too speak with them on the phone makes me very angry and it is very wrong. This was all going under my nose aswell. And for this reason Im just thinking nonono its not going to happen! Reason being is if he was a REAL MAN of DEEN with PRINCIPLES he would have asked me rather than going behind my back by talking to my mother!! I maybe 18 but I am very mature and streetwise so theres no excuse in this department. Also when we went abroad to visit them, we hung out, there were no barriers.. so its not like he COULDNT tell me.
What do you think?

and I know the above ^^ sounds a bit wrong about my mum doing this but at the end of the day it's an internet forum and nobody knows who I am, I would never and could never discuss this with anyone so please appreciate i am not a baygerath-which they call in the punjabi language-in english like have no self respect.


and far as Iv'e heard.. apparantly Men dont want divorced women with kids :/

Even though I feel so uncomftarble with not only that man but any man being in our house... but for the sake of my mums happiness I could bare it and live with it. but this guy above ^^ its a nono! but I dont want my to be pressurised in bringing there past up as they've been through a heck of a lot! I just want them to find someone who makes them happy.. someone who they can trust and will treat them like a queen.. I can do that but again a husband is a different thing.

[buyviagraonlineusatoday]

Thank you all for your replys and they are not offending me.. just broadning my view on the topic

He looks like my brother, hes wayyyyy younger than mum hes like 23 and mums like 38! it's not about coming to england as they are minted and own loads of places in the ARAB WORLD. I think it is genuine, no hidden agendas but look further down and you will see my problem now.

First of all everyone my aim in life IS to look after my mother, take her where ever I go- Provide for her and waite on her hand and foot. So in the sense of us siblings getting married and moving away is not really an issue as I WANT too and also feel that it's a MUST as everything my mother has sacrificed and done for us. Also in our religion.. Mothers are the PINICAL if not then ONE' of them. But then I know a son and a husband are two different things. :/

Sister 'firaswagner..if you read it all carefully, you will see that- the Proposed guy who wants to marry my mum, is my cousin brother- his dad and mine were brothers. and my mums mum-grandma and his mum are sisters. So therefore he's my mums cousin brother aswell. I would never let my mum ACTUALLY get married in that family, but there father was the same sort of menace.. mine was. So him and his family went through the same stuff mine did. If you get where Im going with this.


If I really really wanted to I think I could maybe but MY MANLY EMOTIONS too a side and allow my mum to get married to him.
But my mum has been speaking to him over the phone for the past couple of years. They also went to another country, where they both met too discuss ''marriage'' and all that comes along with it. But we were told by mum they were going somewhere for work, they've never been anywhere.. not even in the country so there were no suspicions and mum is a practicing woman.

Now the fact that my mother went and did this is very wrong of them. But for this man too go along with it..goes against my principles completeley because if he wanted to do this marriage thing properly, he should have asked ME for my mothers handd in marriage right? but for him to ACTUALLY go to another country and meet my mother and too speak with them on the phone makes me very angry and it is very wrong. This was all going under my nose aswell. And for this reason Im just thinking nonono its not going to happen! Reason being is if he was a REAL MAN of DEEN with PRINCIPLES he would have asked me rather than going behind my back by talking to my mother!! I maybe 18 but I am very mature and streetwise so theres no excuse in this department. Also when we went abroad to visit them, we hung out, there were no barriers.. so its not like he COULDNT tell me.
What do you think?

and I know the above ^^ sounds a bit wrong about my mum doing this but at the end of the day it's an internet forum and nobody knows who I am, I would never and could never discuss this with anyone so please appreciate i am not a baygerath-which they call in the punjabi language-in english like have no self respect.


and far as Iv'e heard.. apparantly Men dont want divorced women with kids :/

Brother i feel very sorry for what u are going through but i got a feeling that your mother wants to marry this guy. (please forgive me for the frankness).
So maybe you can sit down with her and discuss with her about your feelings? (just a suggestion- don't do if u think it can make matters worse).
Is this what is going on?:
1.You mom need to remarry
2.You don't want a man in her life which is very expected reaction from a son.
3.You feel betrayed of the guy coz he acted all cozy with you and really had ulterior motives(which to me looks like why you don't want him)
4.You feel betrayed by mother becuase she never told you what really was going on
5.You dont think that this is goin to work.
My instincts tell me that right now you need to talk to your mum and tell her your true feelings about what is going on maybe it can clear things up.

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And brother i do genuinely understand your feelings and i do feel really sorry for you so please dont take any offence to what i have said plus dont take any action from any post until you are really sure it is going to have a positive effect.

[refdhbgtd]

My brother its a great post and no offence taken at all and yeah I need to speak to mum I guess and see what there thoughts are. and all the points you stated are true :/ plese member us in ur duas

And brother i do genuinely understand your feelings and i do feel really sorry for you so please dont take any offence to what i have said plus dont take any action from any post until you are really sure it is going to have a positive effect.