[vNGiDaFX]

Alhamdulillah, It has now been a bit over 3-4 months since I have [re]started practicing the deen. I have been down this road before, where I practice for a while, then get caught up in the world again, but Alhamdulillah I know this time in my heart that Insha'Allah this time is for good and I will die practicing our deen, whenever that may be.

Without getting into details, growing up in the USA, I was involved in the western way of life for a good part of my life, may Allah swt forgive me.

Over the past 3-4 months there have been some drastic changes in myself, and I seem to be becoming sort of distant from the rest of the family. We are your typical Pakistani family, a few brothers and sisters in the house, and my father. My mother is deceased, may Allah swt keep her under His protection and grant her Jannah. Ameen.

Alhamdulillah, I am blessed to have an amazing family, so this is not a complaint about my family. Rather, I am seeking advice from those who may have been in/are in similar type situations, and those with more knowledge of the deen in general.

This past Ramadan was a life-changing experience for me. Though I didn't give it anywhere near the attention that one should give to Ramadan, I fasted for the first time in a couple of years (add insult to injury, I was a shameless addicted smoker for the past 8 years or so, and it was so bad that I even neglected to fast the last couple of Ramadans since I wouldn't be able to smoke, Astaghfirullah). So by the grace of Allah swt, I fasted, I guarded my salah, went to Taraweeh, attended lectures at the mosque, immersed myself into reading up and increasing my knowledge about the deen, YouTube lectures (go Wisam Sharief & Nouman Ali Khan, and many others, Masha'Allah!).

Please make dua that may Allah swt forgive my sins and keep me on the straight path.

So, following are some of the changes which have occurred in me over the past few months :

1. Salah is priority -- period. No if, ands, or buts. That means if I am out with family somewhere, we will make arrangements to stop somewhere so I can make salah, even if it is doing wudhu at a gas station and praying on the street. The rest of my family makes salah but they are not consistent, and Subhan'Allah, they do not do it outside of home as such, unless at another muslim's house.

2. I always, always try my sincere best to make Eesha salah in the masjid with congergation. So far I don't think I have missed once since Ramadan, Alhamdulillah. This caused a bit of friction between my family and I when guests were coming over and I chose to go to the masjid instead of having dinner with them (I had made another post about that).

3. Beard -- I have been growing a full beard, Sunnah-style.

4. Completely given up music, movies/TV, etc. The most I watch on TV is the news for a few minutes, maybe a documentary/discovery channel/history channel type show here and there, but as soon as they show something which I don't need to see, such as women or other temptations etc, I say "bye bye" and hit the "off" button on the remote. Alhamdulillah

5. Always wear my pants well above my ankles.

So what's all this got to with the family? Giving up the above means that now instead of spending time with the family in the evening or whenever we all happen to be home, which used to be while watching TV or something playing on the TV, etc... now I spend most of my time in my room, either making salat, watching lectures, learning more about Islam, and the daily dose of uselessness on FB (my next thing is to give up FB as well and only use it for Islamic/dawah purposes should I ever get to that point, Insha'Allah). So, giving up some of this stuff has cut into my 'family time' and I am communicating less and less with them.

Also, we went somewhere which was about an hour's drive, and they wanted to listen to music on the way, as is the norm with us. I had anticipated that and brought my headphones, so I listened to Quran recitation loudly on my headphones the whole way while music was playing in the car... to block out the music and keep my heart soft and clean, Insha'Allah. I'm not even sure if that is the right thing to do, or if I should be playing Quran recitation in such an environment, but I felt that's what I had to do at the time to protect myself, unless I was going to put some earplugs in my ears or something (which is not a bad idea). : )

So, that meant no conversation with the family during the drive... when we usually used to talk and joke around the whole way on such drives, so, more cutting into 'family time'.

Main issue :

My younger brother (I am about 29, him 26) and I used to be best friends. The more I started practicing deen, the further we seem to be moving away. Though I try my best to first try to improve myself before others, I can't help but tell him to make salah, don't do this/that etc, things which he's not supposed to be doing (he doesn't do any grave sins Alhamdulillah like drinking etc, but I am talking about music/tv/mingling with non-muslim friends, etc). So we always seem to end up arguing over one thing or another, and I end up quoting ahadith & ayats, which to be honest with you I am not even qualified to do and I try my best not to get that far, but I can't seem to help myself.

A few weeks ago, Alhamdulillah, my brother and I started a business together. The business requires us to go to different meetings to meet clients etc. At that time, he had a small issue with my beard being 'un-groomed', because I was refraining from touching it until it reaches a fist's length, and was trimming my mustache only. He (politely, but several times) told me that I need to do something to clean up my facial look a little bit since we are going to be seeing clients etc... so that turned into another argument many-a-times and I ended up giving him lectures on the importance of keeping a beard and not touching it until at least a fist length etc.. and he kept telling me that he is not telling me to degrade the value of my beard but rather clean it up a bit and look professional (he keeps a beard himself but trimmed a bit). Eventually I cleaned up the edges and trimmed some of the hairs which were hanging out just a teeny-tiny bit. So Alhamdulillah the length of my beard did not get effected and I cleaned up the edges a bit while keeping the natural shape.

In any case, this bothered me that he seems to be concerned about looking good in front of "clients" more than trying to look good in front of Allah SWT. So, this kind of kept bottling inside of me.

Next, wearing pants above my ankles. He also approached me about that that wearing them so high above my ankles looks kind of weird, so I don't have to wear them down to the ground but I should try to wear them right at my ankles/right above my shoes so they look 'presentable' at least. Another argument later, I lowered the folds just a bit (currently folding all my pants, Insha'Allah, will get them shortened by tailor), so my pants were kind of right at my ankles... a little low for my comfort, but in an effort to make my brother (who is the love of my life and the heart of our family, and Masha'Allah Allah swt has blessed him with a heart of gold) happy while keeping with the deen, I did so.

But, this also kind of kept bottling inside of me, that he's caring so much about how we look in front of people when we should be concerned with how we look in front of Allah swt.

Next, we were going to meet with a couple of clients, who are Jewish. They can only meet us on Friday afternoon, as they stop work early on Friday and don't come out all Saturday due to religious purposes. So, my brother made an appointment with them which was cutting it close to Jummah prayer, so I asked him to let them know that it's cutting close with our Friday prayer so if we can move it around a bit. He told me that they can only meet on Fridays and this is the only time they can meet, because they are Jewish & leave early on Friday, etc.

This angered me a bit and turned into another argument, the fact that there's a slight possibility that we may miss Jummah because of these clients... and the reason for that is because they are Jewish and they need to practice their faith! So we're going to run circles around them and let them practice while we throw our Jummah away? This turned into a very heated argument and he made it clear to me that his intention was not to miss Jummah and he had made dua to Allah swt to let the meeting go well & quick so we could make it to Jummah.

Alhamdulillah, we made it to Jummah no problems, but again, this kind of bottled up inside of me that we're willing to compromise our faith for the faith of others, whether that actually was the case or not.

So, similar examples kept happening over the past couple of weeks... arguments over my pants being too high, looking weird, beard not groomed properly, not listening to music in the car (no arguments over this as he was very respectful of my decision to give up music but it still came up), me giving him religious lectures, etc, etc.

Today, may Allah forgive me, I said some things to him which I really shouldn't have. The argument again started with the fact that we were going to see an 'important' client who also happens to be Jewish, and I saw him looking at the bottom of my pants & making a face. So, another argument over pants above ankles and the whole thing.

But, this time everything that was bottled up inside of me blew up, and I made statements such as "brother you're too concerned with looking good in front of people & appearances, you need to strengthen your imaan, you need to go to the masjid more often" and I unintentionally blurted out something like "if you had imaan you wouldn't care how mine or yours beard or pants or anything looks because we're following the deen".

So, in that statement I implied that he did not have imaan, which was not my intention at all. That killed everything, big argument, a lot of yelling and screaming later, he kind of told me that it's over between us, we will only deal on a business basis and talk about necessary household matters such as bills, etc, and that's it -- "we're done".

Of course we are brothers so Subhan'Allah we always fight and make up a few hours or a day or two later... but this time I went too far by saying "if you had imaan...", whether I meant it or not. He told me that who am I told judge whether he has imaan or not (and he is right), and that I think I am better than everyone else (which I do not think at all but that is the perception he and some other family members of mine are getting), etc, etc.

My starting to practice deen as completely as I can understand to do it, has started causing more and more friction and distance between my family members and I.

When it comes to completely running away from movies/music/etc, or going to masjid for salaah every single morning and night, among other things, I usually end up hearing (polite) statements like "you're being too extreme" and "Allah doesn't want us to burden ourselves with the religion", etc. I know they mean well, but Alhamdulillah I don't think I am burdening myself. In fact I have tried to make sure that it doesn't become a 'burden' because that's when one gets discouraged and moves away from deen again.

Sorry for the long post brothers and sisters but I really need some advice.

How do I deal with family and practice deen 100% at the same time?

!

[orison]

brother, SubhanAllah may Allah swt keep you steadfast and may Allah make me as strong, ameen.

I can relate to your problems to a certain extent, I think it usually does come up with everyone who starts practicing while the rest of the family is not as practicing. The key is patience. I would suggest you involve your family in your practice too instead of locking yourself up in your room. You don't want to give an impression that you are becoming aloof due to your deen, it should be the opposite.

You mentioned you have cut down on your family time because you stopped watching TV etc, that is good but don't cut down on family time, just change the activity. For example, start reading hadith, taalim every evening and get all your family together. Set up a time and just start reading, inshaAllah your family will atleast try to listen and Allah swt might open up their hearts. Also, try not to lose patience, as that may make others think religiosity turns one into a "snob" (I don't know how else to explain it ). I know it's hard to keep sabr but that in itself is a test.

Also, invite your brother and dad to masjid when you go. Try to be more open with them, talk to them about their day etc. talk about what you heard in the lectures or what new learnt. It will be a while before they start accomodating deen in their lives, and that will only happen if they understand it. And they will only understand by seeing your amal, inshaAllah. So be patient and make dua for them.


May Allah swt guide us all, ameen.

[orison]

Another thing. Maybe you should go talk to your brother, even if he is mad at you. Maybe apologize, Allah swt will reward you for trying to better the relationship, inshaAllah. Take him out or something (I dont know what brothers like to do )..shopping?!

[KellyMP]

ASWW
My mother is deceased, may Allah swt keep her under His protection and grant her Jannah. Ameen.
Ameen to that brother.... on the other issues... I can only say I feel exactly the same way in a lot of ways.... but its little things that count within this larger struggle brother... but dont ever forget... smiling and socialising is a huge part of the propagation of deen.... IT IS NOT ONLY ABOUT WORSHIP... JazakAllah for posting.

[Nesskissabe]

bro.

Remember All guidance comes from Allah. So even if you propagate Islam only Allah can guide us.


I m not worthy of giving advice, but still... just 3 points.

1. Try not to get Angry. (I personally am really bad at this.)
2. Lots of Dua.
3. Patience.

everything will be fine. : )

[BCVB9SOc]

I feel for you bro, I am in the same situation but I am the younger brother ( and my brother is a lot less practicing than your brother, but a heart of gold )

Your brother's character is much better than I expected before reading the thread. I thought he was correct about cleaning the beard (we should be mindful about our appearance in the sense so that we look neat and clean) but not trimming it obviously.

My advice is to make sincere apologies to him, and to explain that you love him so you want for him what you love (deen). But criticizing him is the easiest way to turn him away from the religion and you. I personally do not talk about religion with my brother, but he knows. The best is when religion somehow comes up spontaneously, in those instances we talk about it. Otherwise when I bring it up it seems forced and faked. I try to let my actions speak for themselves and just smile around him, and make jokes about myself when he tries to convince me to cut my beard (but it keeps me warm in the winter!) to diffuse the situation. Avoid arguing over the religion, just smile and diffuse the situation (this is key!).

Also understand where he is coming from, he is concerned about his and your clients so deal softly with him. Make it a sincere/serious point that during such and such hours, you are not attending meetings. Those meetings are not worth it if they are during Jummah hours. It is all about how you say it. Like: Man I know what your saying, we can only meet them at these hours but I already had a meeting with Allah (swt) at these hours and he is more important to me than them. If we had to choose I would choose Jummah even if we would lose our opportunity for business. Allah inshaAllah will put barakah in our business, and we can make it up elsewhere by working harder at other times.

Hope it helped, your in a better position than you think brother.

[Q0KmoR8K]

lol! everyone fights sometimes... especially brothers and sisters. so dont make it a big deal, just apologise to him and tell him that both of you were angry and nothing said was meant. and yaeh, after apologising just go on behaving as if nothing happened between you's - at least try and behave and talk to him as "normal" as possible. i hope everything comes right and also you should stop giving him lectures and advice all the time (unless he asks for it) coz it really gets annoying when your big bro/sis is constantly on your case.

[MatueHarton]

for sharing. This is tough no doubt. Have complete faith in Allah swt (as you already do), and have confidence he will guide you and protect you...
When I was reading your post my mind turned to this: It's a lengthy read, but please if you can, especially read the section called 'The Counsel of Sidi Ahmed Zarruq'
http://www.islamic.pwp.blueyonder.co...ual%20Path.pdf
There are several beautiful parts of it which really struck home for me. The ones which affected me the most were:
Don’t hasten the end result before you have completed the beginning, but,
likewise, don’t begin without looking toward the end result. This is so because the one who
seeks the outset at the end loses providential security, and the one who seeks the end at the
outset loses providential guidance. Beware of being extremely hard on your selfish soul (nafs) before you have obtained a mastery over it,
but also beware of being too lax with it regarding any of the sacred rulings. This is so because
it is constantly fleeing from moderation in everything, and it inclines toward extremism in
both matters of deviance and guidance! Never be fanatical about anything, whether it is the truth or not, and your heart will
remain in a state of soundness toward others. Never claim anything to which you are entitled,
not to mention that to which you are not entitled, and you will be safe from connivance
and treachery. Indeed, anyone claiming a rank above his own will fall, scandalized and
humiliated. Moreover, those who claim a rank they warrant will have it stripped from them.
Conversely, those who claim a lesser rank than their own will be elevated to an even higher
one than they deserve. In fact, if I could paste all of it, I would.
Please have a look at it.

[vNGiDaFX]

, for all the replies brothers and sisters!

My apologizes for not being able to reply individually... however please know that all your replies were very thorough & thought-providing, and I read them all more than once to fully understand all the beautiful advice which was given.

Just wanted to update you all on the situation. , by the grace of Allah and your duas, the situation is 100% better now. I was really at a loss with this particular situation in the beginning, and didn't see how it could get better. However, I kept my faith in Allah swt, made (extra) dua to him to fix my relationship with my brother with His grace, asked you brothers and sisters for advice... and the one and only Allah swt listened.

Just a day or two after the incident, we started talking a little bit, just work/business related stuff which we had no choice but to talk about... but somehow over the next day or so we became completely normal and it was like all the fighting/arguing didn't even happen before. Now we are completely fine, working together on the business and trying to get it off the ground, making salat together often, and I've also tried to "loosen up" a little bit without compromising my imaan. So I spend some time in the evening with the family outside of my room, even if the TV is on and whatever... I don't care. I don't pay attention to what's on TV if I feel that it's something which I shouldn't watch, and that's that. Nonetheless, I spend some time with the family in this way and we usually end up talking and the TV volume ends up going down anyway... so I may be seeming a bit more "normal" to my family now and not so "consumed" with deen 24/7... . I'm also trying to compromise on some of things we argued about, such as the pants so high, beard, etc... so when I'm with my bro, I try to keep my pants right at my ankles instead of having them a safe distance higher like I personally prefer. When I'm alone, I'll have them as high as I want...lol. I also try to keep my beard clean & trim it slightly every so often while trying my best not to effect the length & 'clean' it up at the same time. Insha'Allah when it gets past the 'messy' stage and becomes much more thicker and longer, it will be better maintained.

Subhan'Allah.

Originally, it really seemed like it's going to take a lot of work to fix this situation, and even then it may not be 100% fixable. I really don't even know how my bro and I just started talking to each other in a normal manner again, joking around, and everything we normally do. It just kind of 'happened' by itself..

Undoubtedly, it was none other than Allah swt who fixed this situation.

.!

Once again, for all your advice and duas.

[thargeagsaf]

asalaamu alaykum

i think you may need to back off slightly as when you turn religious others do get intimidated around you and feel like your forever preaching to them. When he says something about your beard or trousers there is no need to get into a discussion about the importance of it....it seems like he already knows this stuff so it can come across very patronising...just say to him that you would feel guilty if you did any of that and it makes you uncomfrotable and leave it at that...try not to get into a debate over it

give your family members dawah through displaying a good character rather than pointing out hadiths and quranic ayahs to them...inshaAllah if you behave nicely with them they themselves will fall in love with the deen

[vNGiDaFX]

, very well said sister Aram.

The funny (or sad, however you wanna look at it) thing is that when I was not practicing the deen, and came across people who were practicing, to me it felt like exactly how you put it... that they were 'forever preaching' to me. I also always told myself that when I started practicing again, I would not be like those people and just worry about myself. However there's something about when you start getting closer to Allah and following the deen more and more... that it saddens you to see others who are hurting themselves by not guarding their salat, by not covering up/keeping beard, by constantly worrying about TV shows and money and this and that.. all the worldly things, by always worrying about pleasing the creation instead of pleasing the Creator.

, I was exactly like the type of person (more or less) which I just described above... so I know I have no right to say anything to others, and definitely no right whatsoever to judge anyone.. as Allah swt is the only judge. Allah swt did me a favor which I could never thank Him for even if I tried, by guiding me when he did... so I, out of everyone, should understand that being 'guided' is not a switch on/off thing and it takes time. And believe me I try my best not to judge, and I would like to think that I don't judge, at least to the best of my ability, but I guess it's in my (or human) nature to always want to say something when I see something being done which should not be being done or if I see something not being done which should be being done.

I am trying to work on that and mostly I try to keep my mouth shut in most situations until I have a good amount of time to think over what I'm going to say (if anything at all)... and that seems to be working so far.

May Allah purify mine and all of our intentions and grant us the ability to, for His sake only, lead by example and touch hearts of others. Ameen.

and .

[vNGiDaFX]

These are common issues.
Try not to lecture others or even take them on with arguements. It is fuite and can be counterproductive. Engage with your family in non relegious activity as long as it is not haram.
It is Allah's mercy that you recieve guidance when you are at loss and oblivious. So is many of us and so be merciful and be patient. Do dua and show beauty of deen with kindness. Do not accuse others of hypocrisy in haste. Hold you tounge. If one accuses of being extreme. Let this pass! Your forebarance is itslef is test and a method of bettering yourself.
I have found only the TJ who can gradually bring around the family effectively over a long period. Be subtle. Play soccer and mantain kinship and slowly direct your brother to masjed / salah. One thing at a time.

brother, great advice given in a few words. Insha'Allah I will remember and follow yours and everyone else's advice.

[brilkyPlayday]

Brother, I really think you need to chill out a bit. You seem to look down on your brother and family because they watch movies and listens to songs. But weren't you like that a while ago? Rather than thinking bad of them you should be grateful to Allah that he guided you away from such stuff. After all, it's not like you're special or anything, none of us are, Allah guided you away from those things through his mercy.

And it's not part of Islam to ruin family relationships. You know you did wrong to your brother. You should apologise to him sincerely and beg him to forgive you. Remember, just because you may avoiding certain things that your family doesn't avoid, doesn't make you better than them. For all you know, their status with Allah could be a lot higher than yours.

Don't ruin your relationship with your family.

[Zarekylin75]

asalaamu alaykum,mashallah great advice

[wepoiyub]

Aslamulaikum
was pleased to read ur post..May Allah give us steadfastness.
Maulana yunus palanpuri said in one of his bayan that "truth is nurtured in such environments".Every nabi of Allah had to face problems.Firstly u should think that this is from Allah taa'la to bring u close to Him.evrytime ur hurt,run to lord n start talking to him about ur problems n He will sort the matter.
Secondly u should try to be presentable..try to maintain ur beard by applying some oil n combing it n try to wear matching socks,shoes n pants(this advice was given to me by Maulana yunus patel(r.a)[May Allah fill his grave with noor].U should remember that Islam never teaches us to be untidy.
Third, u should try to spend time with ur family starting with discussion of how ur day went n ending up with taleem which will brin noor into ur house..The sayings of beloved prophet(s.a.w) changed the ignorant arabs, imagine how easily this will change us.fourth. u should sit with ur brother n make him understand in a polite manner that since from u started practicing evryone is having some problem with u, ask him to support u.tell him that u care for them n dont want them to make an evrlasting loss.tell him how beautiful it would be if evryone in the home in engaged in the obediance of Allah, some in dhikr,some in tilawat etc etc.make him feel that u've changed for good n even he should.
n lastly Make lots of dua for urself,for this sinner n for the whole ummah as its only Allah who can help.
May Allah give us sincerity.