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07-06-2011, 05:34 AM
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#1 |
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 Worried about my father and my own life.
Assalamualikum brothers and sisters.
This might turn out to be a long post so bear with me please. I am a weak confused muslim and may Allah forgive me for saying/writing anything that might be wrong. Now let me try to make this short and come to my situation. Grown up on an unhealthy diet of Bollywood movies, friends who weren’t interested in religion, co-education, the dating culture – every wrong thing has shaped up my personality. But yet I realize that this is all wrong. Every time I try to change and stay on the right track, there is the initial positive peak where I try to pray with khushoo, recite Quran with understanding, but it lasts only a few days. I am just not consistent enough. A year ago, I wanted to be a better muslim and follow the ways of my Prophet [Peace be upon him]. I wanted to keep a beard and my father didn’t agree to it [My dad has kept a beard after he has performed hajj in 1999]. He said, “You won’t get a good job. It will be tough on you if you plan to study abroad. No one will give you a good girl for marriage.” My father is a heart patient and he isn’t supposed to be taking tension. I gave in to dads demands and didn’t keep a beard. I still don’t have a beard. When I discussed this with my mother, she said there is an age for everything. Get married, go for hajj then keep a beard. No one says much when I ask them to guarantee that I live that long. My fathers health has been detiorating and it has been happening for quite some time now but what is really bad is that his mental health is detioration. He keeps talking the whole day… some times telling the same thing 3-4 times to the same person. This happens almost on a daily routine. I try to be patient and try to listen with out getting frustrated but what has been disturbing is that he will say things outside the boundaries of Islam and some times says things that are akin to insulting the religion. It happened about two times back and when he insulted Islam I couldn’t take it anymore and replied back to him and then left the room. He didn’t speak to me for a whole day after that. I, meanwhile made sure to check on him, give him his medicines on time [though he didn’t take medicines when I gave] and prayed for him so that he gets better. I want to, at this point, mention that my father is religious. Its just that, I feel he is losing his mental stability. He will remind every one of their religious duties while sometimes ignoring his. Recently a rishta [proposal] came for my sister and the guy has a beard. My sister doesn’t want to get married to some one with a beard [again Bollywood culture, sad I know]. I am encouraging her to change her mind. My father is forcing her to get married to him. And he says to her that you have no right to say no to that guy. Isn’t that wrong? Islam does permit the girl to say no. Now he wants my sister to marry a person who has a beard but he doesn’t want his son to have a beard because girls wont marry me then?! Why the double standards? It is becoming increasingly difficult for me because I find myself to be lost. What do I do? Follow the commands of Allah regardless of what my family says? Yes that should be the right thing to do. But if tomorrow I start keeping a beard, and Allah forbid, do any sin, or miss/delay a prayer I know the amount of taunts I will have to hear. Please help me out brothers/sisters with advices and your hikmah. And remember me in your duas. Jazak Allah. P.S. I may not have written this post to the best of my ability and/or left out some details. I am also scared if this is considered as gheeba, but I needed to discuss it and Allah knows best. |
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07-06-2011, 06:47 AM
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#2 |
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Assalam alaykum,
I would take your father in for an examination by a doctor. I believe that your father is exhibiting the symptoms of Alzheimers disease. If the doctor confirms this, you can take steps to learn about the illness and discuss it with your family. Wassalam |
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07-06-2011, 08:46 AM
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#3 |
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 Brother, I agree with saeed_bakr. You should try to take your father to see a specialist, if you can afford it. I would start with that. But also be as kind and patient with him as possible. It seems his health is deteriorating fast. Not to be macabre, but who knows how long he will remain in this world? As far as your sister goes, is the beard the only reason she doesn't want to marry that guy? If so, keep trying to bring her around. Point out his good qualities. I don't know where you guys live and if this would be appropriate in your country, but maybe give them some opportunities to talk to each other with (supervised, of course). Who knows, if she talks to him a few times, he might win her over. I'm assuming he's an otherwise well-mannered, educated guy? How old is your sister? Unless she's very young, women generally don't get too hung up over appearances. That's why you'll often see a beautiful woman with an average-looking, or even a below-average, fat, balding guy  . If she gets a chance to sense that he's a good guy who will treat her well and love her, she'll get over the beard inshallah. Also, maybe the beard has given her the impression that he'll force her to be super-religious, so make sure she feels assured that won't be the case.This might be hard with your father's mental state, but also try to explain to him not to force your sister. Tell him that if he forces her to do this, she will never be happy and she might curse him for the rest of her life. Is that really what he wants? On the other hand, if she feels that she's making the decision for herself, she'll be happy. With regard to the beard, just start growing it. Even if you keep it short at first. Once you've had it for a while and they've gotten used to seeing you with it, they will stop bugging you to shave. At that point, they'll just insist that you keep it trimmed and "neat". You may have to comply with this for a while before you can start growing it long. I've been through the same thing (currently in the "keep it trimmed so it looks nice" phase). May Allah make it easy for us. Yes, you will have to endure the taunts and ridicule. You will have to be extra careful about not making mistakes, and you'll have to try extra hard to be successful in order to avoid the ridicule. Inshallah, by doing this you will earn Allah's love. And as my shaykh told me, at the end of the day, parents are parents. They'll come around. Especially the mother. To them, you are still their baby and they can't stay mad at you forever. May Allah protect you and your family. |
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07-06-2011, 10:58 AM
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#4 |
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Assalaamoalaykum-w-w
May Allah SWT help you with your situation. Not to judge or anything but the Ummah is and will get more and more confused with priorities in life trying to balance between the worldly and the deeni practical aspects of life. Your dad's sentiments all stem from "MOHOL" (atmosphere) which every muslim needs to protect him and his family from outside influences..... I totally empathize with your situation and again May the Almighty Allah make things easy for you.... You could take a few lessons though from this whole experience InshaAllah... and start NOW... |
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07-15-2011, 06:51 AM
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#5 |
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My elder sister and her husband are both doctors and they have tried telling him to see a doctor for his mental health but he doesn't agree. He says people have done magic on him [and unfortunately he has affected from it in the past too]. I try my best to be patient but my question is this...do I remain quite when he says things that are, for lack of a better word, unislamic? I am trying to convince my sister about the guy. He is a doctor and she personally doesnt want to get married to a doctor [this she told us before this guy come]. Anyway she is studying currently so lets see how things go. May Allah lead to the best possible solution, in sha Allah. As for the beard, I actually started with your advice a year back. When it was two weeks and I didnt shave, my father started telling me to shave it. When I said that I wanted to keep, for around 30-40 minutes he was kind of scolding me [not direct scolding though]. And he also said, "I know I am gaining sins if I stop you from keeping beard, but look at the times.... career, future, etc etc etc" Thats the day I realised how weak my imaan really is. I didnt een attempt to fight. I just gave in to demands.  These days dad is in our home country and I live in a different country. He will return in a week or so for a few days and then go back for treatment. I pray for his physical, mental and spiritual health. Ramdans also coming over and there is a voice from within me that says me to keep the beard. I dont know what to do. Please pray for my father everyone. Jazak Allah Khair. P.S. Thank you all the brothers that hae replied. May Allah bless us all. Aameen. |
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07-15-2011, 10:17 AM
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#6 |
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Assalamualikum brothers. Good to hear from you, Brother. May Allah bless you and your family. As far as your question about what to do when your father says un-Islamic things, my view is that you should be patient with him and do not hold him responsible. Saying inappropriate things like that is symptomatic of Alzheimer's disease, which I am quite familiar with because my wife's mother has it, and I have made frequent visits to an Alzheimer's care center. When you mentioned your father's behavior, I recognized it immediately, having been around it so much. As the doctors in the family can tell you, Alzheimer's is a degenerative brain disease. There are medications that can slow its progress, even restore some cognitive function, but there is no cure for it. Your father will eventually require more care. I feel for you Brother, and pray for the blessings of Allah on you and your family. Enjoy what time you have with him, and overlook his inappropriate behavior. Wassalam |
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07-15-2011, 02:24 PM
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#7 |
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 Not for it brother-for various reasons. Brother PlanA, Now that Maulana Yunus Patel (RA) is no more with us I suppose we have one less person to fall back upon. Since your situation is a rather common one (you, by the way, have explained it well)-the effect of Bollywood as well as anti-Islamic environment and the pressure to conform with non-Islamic things, I my self am curios about the advice from the Shuyukh. Can you please send your query, together with the posts from this thread, to Mufti Ibraheem Desai Sahab (DB). You'll get his link from the posts of some brothers here at SF or here. Wassalam |
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07-22-2011, 08:24 PM
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#8 |
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Aoa,
My humble suggestion is that do what u think is obligatory by islam .Dont be afraid of taunting,and dont leave a good thing only by a fear of people.And marriage and job is in hands of Allah .so be strong and positive |
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07-26-2011, 09:58 PM
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#9 |
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The following is an extract from the book "Aashiq e Sawdiq" - The true Love of Allah
by Hazrat Maulana Yunus Patel Saheb. You can download it from yunuspatel.co.za THE WEAKNESS OF OUR IMAAN The message of tonight’s talk is that we need to make a concerted effort to develop this steam of Divine love. Until we do not acquire and conserve this steam of Love within ourselves, everything we do will remain Zaahiri (external). …It really stuns a person, but all that can be done sometimes is resort to fervent and sincere du’aa that Allah Ta’ala grants to us such Imaan that impels us in the right direction and keeps us steadfast. Just this afternoon, a young person, with a beard, Deeni libaas (attire) and who is a five-time namazi requested me for permission to shave his beard. Why ? …Due to an application which was made for a visa to a certain country. The person in charge of the department told him that he stands no chance with his beard. So he said : “I just want permission to shave my beard and get the application through. Once I’ve got my papers, I’ll keep my beard again.” I said: “Bhai, have I made the Shariah that I can give you permission to shave your beard ? …What of the displeasure of Allah? If you want to shave and displease Allah Ta’ala, why make me a partner in your sin ?” This is the point I’m trying to make : Just Salaah, Zikr, some Deen work, a little Da’wah and Tabligh, or a short visit to the Khanqa, is not sufficient. The necessary element is the steam of Divine love. This Imaani steam is only obtained from the hearts of those who have the reality of it in their hearts. In the company of those whose hearts are aflame with the love of Allah Ta’ala, we too will get that steam. Otherwise, Shaytaan will easily convince us to indulge in Haraam in spite of our work of Deen. …So I asked this person as to what guarantee he has that Izraeel (‘Alaihis Salaam) won’t extract his soul while the razor is moving down his face. What guarantee does he have that even if he gets those documents, he will live to see a few more months, so that the beard grows one fist length? Alhamdulillah, this brother made sincere taubah from this sin and kept his beard. THE CONSEQUENCES A doctor had mentioned that he made an application, in a certain country, for a post available some years back. He too was told the same thing : People will not give him much consideration because of his beard and kurta. He was told that if he shaved his beard and wore a suit, he would get some prominence. So he said that he fell for the temptation. He shaved his beard, wore the suit and went for the interview. He is a pious doctor, a namazi with concern for Deen and Shariah but he fell for the temptation of Shaytaan and nafs and shaved his beard. He related : “I swear Maulana that I am speaking the truth. That same night, I saw Rasulullah (Sallallaahu 'alayhi wa-Sallam) in a dream and he stared at my face with anger. I could see the anger on his face. When he walked into the room, in my dream, the room became brightly lit. He then stared at me; his face, red with anger. He then suddenly left and the room went dark. And I got up with a fright.” He didn’t know what to do and it worried him greatly. Of course, he grew his beard again and made sincere taubah from shaving his beard in future. Naturally, it should go without saying, that Islam is not just the beard. Islamic teachings cover all aspects of life. So the message is simply that we develop this steam of Divine Love. Whilst it is not necessarily achieved and realized instantaneously, at least we have become aware of it. ‘Sulook’ entails some effort. May Allah Ta’ala give to us that intense love for Him, so much so that it becomes extremely easy to do that which is pleasing to Him and stay away from everything which is Haraam and forbidden. |
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08-20-2011, 05:14 AM
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#10 |
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08-20-2011, 05:38 AM
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#11 |
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Assalamualikum brothers and sisters.
I need your help, advices and most importantly your duas. Since Ramadan started I havent shaved and dont intend to. The past few days dad and uncles were telling me to shave. I used to stand silently and didnt respond. I meanwhile took care not to be angry or show any displeasure to them. Alhumdulillah every work, every resposiblity of mine, I completed. Tonight, just about 2 hours ago my father told me to shave and said he realizes its a sin but the sin will be on him and not on me. I have holidays these days [ I study engineering and its a mixed education university in Dubai], so I have been helping my father in business. Anyway, I told him that it is not allowed and all four schools of thought in Islam disallow it. He said do whatever you want. I went back to take care of business. After half an hour he comes to the shop and starts screaming at me. He said, "All my life I worked hard so that you people have a good life and now when I am old you all disagree with me and drag me to my grave. Why are you doing engineering? You wont EVER get a job with your beard and I can write this on stone and give you. Mark My Words. If you get a job I am not the son of my father. Look at your sister. She rejected the proposal of a guy because he has beard. You think any educated girl will marry you? [Since I already paid the fees for next year of my education, he further said] Go to your university and get the money back. Go to your home country [Bangladesh] and attend any madrasahs. [He further said] Look at the current political climate, people in Egypt have to shave. And an Islamic universitys Vice Chancellor who had more than a fist long beard is now clean shaven. [I dont know how true this is, but that is what dad said.] People in all high positions are clean shaven because that is the necessity these days. You think you can change government laws. Yes Allah has said to follow Islam, but Allah also said to survive. If you were doing MBBS it would be different because doctors can open a clinic and mind their own business but you are studying engineering [aviation] and you will never get a job. Go and get back the money you paid for the next academic year and then go away to your country. I wont bother coming back to our home country if niether you, nor your sister listens to me." "Your uncles dont have beard, your cousins dont, no one in your age group does -- what would they think of you? If you wanted to keep a beard why did you get into engineering and spent so much money of mine?" A lot other things were told, after which he went home while I sat quietly the whole time. Then uncle told, "Dont take what your dad told to heart. Tomorrow shave your beard, continue your studies. Get well settled then do whatever you want." I didnt reply. I came home, massaged dads legs like I do most nights and sat down to type this. [I am not trying to potray myself as modest, self righteous and religious. Because I am none of it. I have always been in mixed schools and am amongst those of the lowest dirtiest characters. So please dont think of me as pious. Also, dad has a beard. Dad is mashAllah religious and has come from an extremely poor family. Though I have written what he said, I do not want anyone to think of my dad as the bad person here. Please remember him in your duas too since he is becoming weak physically.] |
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08-20-2011, 05:46 AM
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#12 |
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Assalamualikum. I need urgent advice and duas brothers and sisters. I will try to check again in an hour, Jazak Allah Khair.
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08-20-2011, 06:00 AM
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#13 |
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"Your uncles dont have beard, your cousins dont, no one in your age group does -- what would they think of you?  think of me! the uncle of prophet abu talib didnt accept islam cause of same reason" what will people of makkah think about me!!!"If you wanted to keep a beard why did you get into engineering and spent so much money of mine?" and not far from him.Look at your sister. She rejected the proposal of a guy because he has beard. You think any educated girl will marry you? , neither she deserves to be my wife nor i want such a girl. i prefer live alone in cave rather then being with so called educated girl. and i can marry 4 educated girl at once. if you want proposal, let me know. what you need to do is bro not get angry, try to answer him more religious way in calm voice and with smile. |
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08-20-2011, 07:16 AM
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#14 |
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Allah swt will reward you for your sabr. Be patient, you are doing amazingly well.
Now I am not a scholar, so I will not speak as a scholar, you can furnish your own hadees and aya from what i say next. Your father came to this country for certain reasons, I mean I am presuming you are of 'immigrant' stock, apologies if you are not. A lot of people when they came here had very certain expectations of what they wanted from here. My father brought us to the UK for the 'education system'. I'm sorry to say but he was severely misguided in that, for me gaining an 'education' in a jahiliya environment nearly fatally damaged my imaan. But alhumdullilah, after my 'education', I started becoming a better muslim. Why am I talking about this? Because you have to remember the background your father comes from. In British India for example, religious, pious muslims were SYSTEMATICALLY denigrated and marginalised. Look at the examples, in the UK we have the concept of PHDs. This is a degree you can pick up in 3 years. Look at how knowledgeable our Shaykhs are. Being in education for 7 years is just a BASIC requirement for them, and thats not even considered a PHD by 'Brit' standards. Look how incredibly knowledgeable our ulema were and are. But they didnt have PHDs no, they were marginalised. Even with 20 years of education, incredible amounts of memorisation, they were cast aside in the name of 'modernity' under the yoke of British rule. Instead of being leaders of their worlds, they were pushed to the side. Instead the Brits promoted people who aped them. People who looked like them (light skin good for example), dressed like them (why wear islamic clothes when a suit gets you places), and shaved like them (Brits had mustaches not beards). Now people from south asia, our elders carried a LOT of this cultural baggage. They saw the Brits in India were the peak of 'civilisation'. If you can, speak with someone who migrated to the UK in the 50s, they didnt even understand that white people could be dustbin men, thats how brainwashed they were. Anyway, I think I will allow you to fill in a lot of the blanks here with your own family history. My point is, a lot of people came to the UK for material benefit. When you do something like wear a beard, it completely disabuses them of that notion. Its not only a direct challenge of parental authority, its an attack on the reasons they came here. And when the ego (nafs) gets inflamed, it is VERY hard for us to ever admit we are wrong. Now I am not saying this about your family, please understand. What I am asking you to do is, step out of your body for a moment. Think about what your dad is doing as an outsider. After all that is why you are posting here. But we ourselves can never know your family as good as you can. So do that, take a deep breath and think about what is happening. About the beard, it is very good for you to wear a beard yes. But if it is too difficult, remember there must be a thousand other tasks which you can work on in the meantime to improve your deen. Just a suggestion but perhaps you can work on those and become strong in them and have sabr on the beard? |
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08-20-2011, 07:50 AM
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#15 |
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I feel for you brother, my father has the exact same mentality although he never became over zealous about shaving the beard. With that said, try dua istikhara, and make dua with your most sincere emotions and beg Allah (swt) for help. Personally, I would not shave my beard, despite many of my family members ridiculing me about it (and hearing the same arguments about not getting job, girl, etc, heard it thousands of times and I swear its not true rizq is already written from Allah, beard or no beard). Allah>Everyone else. But be VERY careful on how you convey that kind of mentality as you do not want to seem pompous. May Allah protect you and your family's iman |
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