[Frinzer]

Brother, seriously, you and many who have posted here are not helping at all.
I am shocked that you guys, instead of giving him advice, you start bad mouthing him, as if we are clean of sins !
What benefit is there in bad mouthing him, and telling him what he already knows, and admits !

He came here to ask for advice to get himself out of the sin he got himself into, and the door to repentance is open until one dies.

It is not too late to fix this mess, as long as the brother follows the advice given to him, and returns to Allah Azza wa Jal, asking Him -The Exalted- for help.

thank you musleemah for your thoughtful responses. You are right i should keep my distance and im seeing clearly what predicament im putting myself into. Wen she asked me if i would take her as a wife i guess old feelings resurfaced. Advice was all i asked. I know i am not mentally sound at the moment hence all these Outrageous plans i made already. Please pray for me and im sorry for wasting all these brothers/sisters time.

Jazakamullah-hu-khairan for your help.

Salam

[irridgita]

Bismillah

Assalam-Alaikum Brother Mirza1:

Brother, I have read your entire post, and I understand and sympathize with your frustrations and your struggle to find a halal alternative for your situation.

Brother, you are married, and that is a fact neither you nor I can refute by Islamic law or even national law. You are understandably having trouble consummating your relationship with your wife when your feelings are not involved, and I respect your perspective and sensitivities that preclude you from taking your relationship with your wife to a physical level at this stage in your emotional crunch. However, the fact is that your previous ladylove is a wife of another man. She is not part of your life, and whether you understand this or not, she made a conscious choice to seek marriage with another man. If she is having "buyer's remorse" so-to-speak with regards to her own marriage and life choices, that does not mean that you should drop your own marriage to solve her problems or invite her back into your life with a place available as your second wife.

Yes, I understand that you are upset that you did not avail yourself of the opportunity to marry her earlier due to family pressure. But the fact is that you did marry someone else and so did she. So, even if you are from your mouth giving her good advice to keep her marriage (as you said), your heart is not in the right place and I believe her woman's intuition can ferret out that you are still desirous of having her as part of your life. Why do I say this? As your ex, believe me, Brother, that she had to be sure on some level that you would want to have her back in your life or she would not have taken such a bold and irrevocable step of contacting you after her own marriage. Also, Brother, I have to wonder at the character of a woman who goes to her ex for her resource when she could have gone to her girlfriends about the problems in her marriage. Brother, I believe a god-fearing woman does not go to her ex, expecting him to bail her out of her own marriage by contracting a second marriage to her.

Brother, do yourself a favor and delete her email and cut off all contacts with her as Brother FususAlHikam has suggested. If you keep contact with her, she will keep involving you in her life, telling you most probably how much of a villain her husband is (even if therein is no true villainy to her husband's nature).

And to be honest, do you not think you deserve better than to be kept dangling in hope and despair of whether she will divorce or not, whether you can marry her or not after that, how you can keep her a secret or not, etc.? Brother, also think of your own wife. She is a person with thoughts, feelings, and sensitivities of her own. No woman marries wanting to take a second place in her husband's heart. Please give her the chance to earn your affections. Maye you think that a calamity of some proportion has befallen you on account of not being able to have married your original choice, but Brother...perhaps if you gave your current wife a choice in loving you and being loved and a great chance, you might just find out that you were looking unnecessarily to other avenues for fulfillment of your heart's desire when your heart's desire (in another form as a gift from Allah) was beneath your nose.

Brother, I am advising you sincerely in your situation to please give your wife and yourself emotionally time to adjust. While yes, your wife deserves to have her rights fulfilled, I suggest that you take your time to get to know her, find out her dreams, her loves, her fears, and her hopes. Maybe in getting to know her, you will be able to see yourself sharing her dreams, her loves, her fears and hopes and not feel lonely and unhappy about not being able to have what you originally wanted. You know, Brother, I have to tell you the things that most made me unhappy in life were not things that I got which I did not want but the things which I got which I thought I wanted but in the end wished I had not wanted it in the first place once I had them.

Brother, once the pieces of your married life start to fall in place emotionally and also on a mental and spiritual level, I am confident that your inhibitions regarding taking so final a step in your marriage regarding physical fulfillment will not matter because you will start to desire that of your own volition. Brother, let Allah and your heart be your guide, not your blameworthy nafs.

Brother, you are a grown and able young man, well able to make choices and decisions in your life. However, you have asked us as concerned Muslims to advise you on a matter that is of importance to you and also a sensitive issue and so we have advised you on that account. So, please think about what we have said. You might be glad in the end that you did.

Thanks for trusting us with your family matter, and I hope we have helped in some small way.

Alhamdullilah. Anything that I have that is good and acceptable is from Allah, and anything other than that is my own mistake.

[agiopwer]

Brother, many posters have given you great advice...musleemah, sudoku, Fusus...
Excuse some of the other harshness from others...I'm sure it's unintentional

Practically speaking, I wish to add the following to their advice of severing relations with the Bengali lady.

Also do the following:

Pray 2 rak'ats of tawbah immediately. The status of a believer after tawbah is higher than before he committed the sin...your sin is a way of progress and closeness to Allah after tawbah....

Once you have done those 2 rak'ats, go and apologize to your wife, in whatever way is appropriate and succeptible to please her; and share the bed with her tonight...say the du'a of Nabee SAW when coming to her "Bismillah; Allahumma Janibnaa as shaytan, wa janib as shaytan maa razaqtanaa"...or just say "Bismillah".

If you do the above with sincerity, you will see that what you are looking after with that Bengali lady is actually with your lovely wife....and as days, weeks and months go...you will see that your wife is much more valuable than the other lady...

We will make sincere du'a for ease of affairs for you.

Mukhtar

[Frinzer]

Bismillah

Assalam-Alaikum Brother Mirza1:

Brother, I have read your entire post, and I understand and sympathize with your frustrations and your struggle to find a halal alternative for your situation.

Brother, you are married, and that is a fact neither you nor I can refute by Islamic law or even national law. You are understandably having trouble consummating your relationship with your wife when your feelings are not involved, and I respect your perspective and sensitivities that preclude you from taking your relationship with your wife to a physical level at this stage in your emotional crunch. However, the fact is that your previous ladylove is a wife of another man. She is not part of your life, and whether you understand this or not, she made a conscious choice to seek marriage with another man. If she is having "buyer's remorse" so-to-speak with regards to her own marriage and life choices, that does not mean that you should drop your own marriage to solve her problems or invite her back into your life with a place available as your second wife.

Yes, I understand that you are upset that you did not avail yourself of the opportunity to marry her earlier due to family pressure. But the fact is that you did marry someone else and so did she. So, even if you are from your mouth giving her good advice to keep her marriage (as you said), your heart is not in the right place and I believe her woman's intuition can ferret out that you are still desirous of having her as part of your life. Why do I say this? As your ex, believe me, Brother, that she had to be sure on some level that you would want to have her back in your life or she would not have taken such a bold and irrevocable step of contacting you after her own marriage. Also, Brother, I have to wonder at the character of a woman who goes to her ex for her resource when she could have gone to her girlfriends about the problems in her marriage. Brother, I believe a god-fearing woman does not go to her ex, expecting him to bail her out of her own marriage by contracting a second marriage to her.

Brother, do yourself a favor and delete her email and cut off all contacts with her as Brother FususAlHikam has suggested. If you keep contact with her, she will keep involving you in her life, telling you most probably how much of a villain her husband is (even if therein is true villainy to her husband's nature).

And to be honest, do you not think you deserve better than to be kept dangling in hope and despair of whether she will divorce or not, whether you can marry her or not after that, how you can keep her a secret or not, etc.? Brother, also think of your own wife. She is a person with thoughts, feelings, and sensitivities of her own. No woman marries wanting to take a second place in her husband's heart. Please give her the chance to earn your affections. Maye you think that a calamity of some proportion has befallen you on account of not being able to have married your original choice, but Brother...perhaps if you gave your current wife a choice in loving you and being loved and a great chance, you might just find out that you were looking unnecessarily to other avenues for fulfillment of your heart's desire when your heart's desire (in another form as a gift from Allah) was beneath your nose.

Brother, I am advising you sincerely in your situation to please give your wife and yourself emotionally time to adjust. While yes, your wife deserves to have her rights fulfilled, I suggest that you take your time to get to know her, find out her dreams, her loves, her fears, and her hopes. Maybe in getting to know her, you will be able to see yourself sharing her dreams, her loves, her fears and hopes and not feel lonely and unhappy about not being able to have what you originally wanted. You know, Brother, I have to tell you the things that most made me unhappy in life were not things that I got which I did not want but the things which I got which I thought I wanted but in the end wished I had not wanted it in the first place once I had them.

Brother, once the pieces of your married life start to fall in place emotionally and also on a mental and spiritual level, I am confident that your inhibitions regarding taking so final a step in your marriage regarding physical fulfillment will not matter because you will start to desire that of your own volition. Brother, let Allah and your heart be your guide, not your blameworthy nafs.

Brother, you are a grown and able young man, well able to make choices and decisions in your life. However, you have asked us as concerned Muslims to advise you on a matter that is of importance to you and also a sensitive issue and so we have advised you on that account. So, please think about what we have said. You might be glad in the end that you did.

Thanks for trusting us with your family matter, and I hope we have helped in some small way.

Alhamdullilah. Anything that I have that is good and acceptable is from Allah, and anything other than that is my own mistake.

You are right and i thank you for your help. Its amazing how kind words open eyes. Truly Allah helps those in need. Many many thanks for your help inshallah i will pray and have sabr from now and fight my desires. I can see how this would hve destroyed many lives.

Salam

[ditpiler]

thank you musleemah for your thoughtful responses. You are right i should keep my distance and im seeing clearly what predicament im putting myself into. Wen she asked me if i would take her as a wife i guess old feelings resurfaced. Advice was all i asked. I know i am not mentally sound at the moment hence all these Outrageous plans i made already. Please pray for me and im sorry for wasting all these brothers/sisters time.

Jazakamullah-hu-khairan for your help.

Salam

Masha Allah there you go! You got the right idea mirza ure gonna be fine insha'Allah. Very happy to hear this. U did not waste anyones time. Hope u will benefit from the forum.

[ditpiler]

You are right and i thank you for your help. Its amazing how kind words open eyes. Truly Allah helps those in need. Many many thanks for your help inshallah i will pray and have sabr from now and fight my desires. I can see how this would hve destroyed many lives.

Salam

Masha'Allah Masha'Allah, what more to say? The mercy of Allah swt is vast very very vast.

[agiopwer]

Masha'Allah Masha'Allah, what more to say? The mercy of Allah swt is vast very very vast.

1 more thing to say: "may Allah ta'alaa elevate the rank of the sister whose advice opened the brother's eyes".

Nabee SAW says in the hadith that "Do not consider any good action as insignificant...."....
It also comes in the hadith "One may say a word, without realizing its reach/effect, while the pleasure of Allah is contained in that word, and he thereby enters jannah through it..."

There is no issues of the Muslims that can not be resolved through good and soft advice.

Those who make it their objective to listen to the issues of the Muslims and advise them with care, kindness, will in shaa Allah achieve high ranks in the aakhirah.

We ask Allah for tawfeeq.

[hiedeemom]

Brother, seriously, you and many who have posted here are not helping at all.

How do you know it's not helping at all?

I am shocked that you guys, instead of giving him advice, you start bad mouthing him, as if we are clean of sins ! So everyone should stop mentioning sins because we are not clean of sins.

What benefit is there in bad mouthing him, and telling him what he already knows, and admits ! He doesn't know, nor admits. There is benefit but you fail to see it.

He came here to ask for advice to get himself out of the sin he got himself into, and the door to repentance is open until one dies. Showing him the door to repentance.

It is not too late to fix this mess, as long as the brother follows the advice given to him, and returns to Allah Azza wa Jal, asking Him -The Exalted- for help. Have you noticed he's only replying to sisters even though brothers have asked him questions?

[formobilagsw]

Have you noticed he's only replying to sisters even though brothers have asked him questions?

Bismillah
hmmm perhaps he chose to respond to a polite reply. Sometimes harshness will make one realize the severity of the sin and it would have an effect on the nafs and so all the posts might have left some impact bi-idnillah. Anyway we should try our best to avoid throwing insulting remarks and no I am not telling your first post here which was straight to the point. Khair Alhamdulillah he says that he has realized and lets hope he will cut all the contact with the other married woman and fulfill the rights of his first wife and comes out of such thoughts and be content with his married life. Let Allah SWT help that bengali sister too to come out of all this mess that shaitan through them in. Amin

[Mjxhnapi]

He said in his last post that his grandmother had them engaged since they were very young, read his last post, it gives some detail there, and he admitted he made a mistake.

And like I said, will rebuking him and bad mouthing him for what he already admits is wrong and his fault, solve anything?
No.
Will it kill us to advice our fellow Muslim, who has wronged himself and others, and is asking for help?
No.
Is it too late for him to repent and work to fix things?
No.

Asalaamoaliykum

I agree with sister Musleemah. Although I do agree with the brother and sisters who have posted; if this brother is to do a second nikkah and the Bengali sister gets divorce, it will most certainly ruin 4 lives.

Brother look at it in this way, if your sister was in the same situation as your wife, how would you feel? I am normal trying to get personal here, its just something I urge you to think. If your sister was in the same shoes as your wife, how would you feel? How would you feel knowing that your brother in law (cousin...makes it more painful knowing its family who is doing this) was in a relation and now isn't giving her HAQ (rights) to her? If that doesn't hit you, imagine you have a daughter, the someone does that to her?

I know it must be very difficult and in all honesty I do not want to gun you down for whatever you have done/doing, as it is evident from a few of your posts that you are fully aware that its a sin. GOOD! But I urge you as a sister, and I would hope other brothers and sisters here would also agree with me, PLEASE PLEASE RECONSIDER WHATEVER YOU HAVE PLANNED, WHATEVER YOU ARE THINKING, WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING. YOU HAVE ONLY SPENT TIME WITH YOUR WIFE ONE MONTH OUT OF SEVEN HENCE YOU NEED TO THINK OF SPENDING TIME WITH HER. THE BENGALI SISTER SHOULD NOT BE YOUR WORRY. IF SHE IS GOING THROUGH MARITAL PROBLEMS THEN I DO FEEL FOR HER TOO BUT YOUR CONCERN SHOULD NOT BE HER.

Again I am not trying to be harsh here, but your priority should be YOUR WIFE, she is YOUR RESPONSIBILITY now, she has NOT ONLY LEFT HER PARENTS FOR YOU BUT ALSO HER COUNTRY. I am a Pakistani, Mirza too, and I understand our elders can be very harsh with their decisions, but just look it at this way too, after Allah ta'ala and our Aqaa Muhammad Sallalahu Alaiyhi Wasalam, who do we please? Our parents? The Bengali sister only came in your life few years ago, your family have been with you all your life, will you rather hurt them just to be with this sister? I wouldn't compromise my families happiness over someone who has come into my life way after my family. I am engaged hence I understand when you have feelings for someone its very hard, but thats not the problem here, the problem here is your priorities. Fulfil your wives Haqooq (rights).

Please think about it.
Wasalam

[boiffrona]

You are right and i thank you for your help. Its amazing how kind words open eyes. Truly Allah helps those in need. Many many thanks for your help inshallah i will pray and have sabr from now and fight my desires. I can see how this would hve destroyed many lives.

Salam

Brother Mirza1,

السلام عليكم

You know what, you are a good hearted brother. The heart which listens to good advice of muslim brothers and sisters is not tainted. Work on it, it will shine Insha Allah. May Allah bless you with everlasting felicity and provide you with conjugal bliss that will make you forget all these tribulations you had gone through.

Please pray for all of us here in SF and the whole Ummah.

[Mjxhnapi]

You are right and i thank you for your help. Its amazing how kind words open eyes. Truly Allah helps those in need. Many many thanks for your help inshallah i will pray and have sabr from now and fight my desires. I can see how this would hve destroyed many lives.

Salam

Salaam,

Sorry I just read this now. Alhumdulillah, that's great! May Allah ta'ala make it easy for you. Ameen.

Wasalam