[orbidewa]

Assalamualaikum Warehmatullahi Wabarakaatuhu

Hope this information finds you in good health. A friend of mine (living in India) wants to get married in America. He is a practicing muslim, Alhamdulillah. Now, I know that what ever is in our fate will reach us. But as a human, we do need to use the faculties given to us as well.

The main point is that, in countries like India, it is very hard for divorced women to get married again. Married women, thus, try their hardest to make their marriage work (if there are problems) and stay with their husbands. Like it or not, this is a fact. But in countries like America, since even divorced women find many matches, the wife may not try hard to make the marriage work. Even if she is a ''practicing Muslim'', a point comes after 14 or 15 years (after years of ups and downs) that she may not try to stay in the marriage if problems arise.

This is bothering my friend a lot. And I thought that of I posting this question here. I just want to know if marriages last in America like they do in India. It may not be in your family, but even if you know of much marriages elsewhere, please do let me know.

NOTE : Mostly, even for Christians, after 15 years of staying married, the spouse feels that they got married early. Or that they have not experienced enough. Just thought of mentioning.

Thank you for taking the time to read.

[orbidewa]

I forgot to add : some marriages, like those of Indians whom shift to America, do last. I am not talking about them. I want to know about marriage to American Muslims. Just thought of adding this.

[CULTDIAMONDS]

I forgot to add : some marriages, like those of Indians whom shift to America, do last. I am not talking about them. I want to know about marriage to American Muslims. Just thought of adding this.

I would say that most of them last (or don't) at the same rate that marriages between non-Muslims in America last, if not less so, particularly among the Salafi-types.

[arraxylap]

Salam alikum,
I am just curious, why it is difficult to marry for divorced woman in the India? I have heard that there is majority of men, so it should not be practically a problem?
thank you

[Overlord]

Walaikum Assalam brother,

I do not think any one can answer you that question as it is phrased as American Muslims are of various backgrounds and ethnic groups.
Our beloved prophet s.a.w Inshallah said "Allah Ta ala grants him who marries far from his people extra blessings" (not ad Verbum)
Based on my experience as I married from another continent and race the important issues are compatibility and religion followed by education and finance.
Marriages that last are marriages that place the Din first and Hawf Allah S.W.T first and even then there has to be compatibility.
The couple need to communicate so education plays a role too plus how accustomed are they to certain financial eases.
For me the greatest threat to a marriage are outside influences of family and friends especially during the early years of marriage.
Once the bonds of the marriage are strong the influence of outsiders diminishes.
Another factor for your friend to consider is will he adjust to his new cultural environment for it sounds like he worries a lot.
Marriage as Imam Shafi'i rahimullah reportedly narated "Marry for it's half the Din and for the other half Hawf Allah"
To marry, one needs to have Tawakal Allah and Yakin and not to led by Was Was and what ifs.
Reading statistics is not a good start and concidering what the Christian population does that's worse.
Why not marry one of those divorced women you mentioned that can't remarry, they must be quite appreciative, surely that's an excellent quality for a wife and a blessing from Allah S.W.T for your friend.
Has your friend considered Salatul Istikhara ?

Masalam

[orbidewa]

Sorry for the repost. New here.

Firstly, no, there isn't a problem for him to marry a divorced women. But he has to do the searching himself. And that is a problem in India as it is difficult to go follow that route (of finding by oneself). And no, there is no one else to do it for him. I am sorry for not able to say it properly - it is 'fikr' and not worry. Secondly, he has trust in Allah. But he needs to do his part and use the resources (as it is Sunnah). I appreciate you giving a feedback about yourself. I have a few questions and would appreciate if you would take the time to answer to them.

Religion can only be a problem if you both were from different religions (my friend wants to marry an American Muslim though), so how did it work out?
I know compatibility it a problem, so I will not ask anything on it. How have no idea how education or finance can create a problem. Because, as long as the wife is not working, education is out of question. And so is finance because she should be able to use the budget given by the husband and live life accordingly. I would appreciate it if you could give a detailed answer. And it need not be related to you. You may answer in general as well.

Thank you

[arraxylap]

thank you

[orbidewa]

Men have a liking towards virgin girls. I know it is backward, but it is just the way it is over there. Men do not want a used girl. Sorry for being blunt, but I too do not like such thinking (but this is also one of the reasons why marriages stay longer there - if you ponder over it). But people who have really bad marriages (assault, abuse, etc.) suffer a lot because of it. So for those countries, it is an advantageous for some and very disadvantageous for others. The other reason is that in those countries usually the parents are the one who try to find a match for their boy. And they think that a the husband might have divorced his wife because she had a bad attitude and other bad characteristics in her. Again, a backward reason. It's just the way the Indian society is.

[arraxylap]

Men have a liking towards virgin girls. I know it is backward, but it is just the way it is over there. Men do not want a used girl. Sorry for being blunt, but I too do not like such thinking (but this is also one of the reasons why marriages stay longer there - if you ponder over it). But people who have really bad marriages (assault, abuse, etc.) suffer a lot because of it. So for those countries, it is an advantageous for some and very disadvantageous for others. The other reason is that in those countries usually the parents are the one who try to find a match for their boy. And they think that a the husband might have divorced his wife because she had a bad attitude and other bad characteristics in her. Again, a backward reason. It's just the way the Indian society is.

I am very sorry for that and it does not sound islamic indeed

[nd90t3sf]

if the guy is living in India and does not seem to think very highly of Muslimahs living in the west why does he not just marry a girl in India?

[orbidewa]

The question posted has nothing to do with not thinking highly of Muslima's in America. He is going to go to America for two years where he will probably try to find a match for him. He does not know about how it is, so he asked me. And I thought of posting it here because it is place where people from all backgrounds come with their helping nature and ever growing Imaan. This community is more trustworthy than any one on in the internet in my opinion. If he were to know that marriages do not last there, then he will not make any advances on women over there who might want to marry him. (Advances meaning, taking the phase to the next Islamically allowed level).

And, like I said, in India, parents are the one to find a match for the boy and he does not have anyone to look for him. And he cannot do it himself too because the society does not accept such way of going about it.

[arraxylap]

Salam alikum,
I hope he will be surpriced in positive way. We have only one islam, so if he want good muslima, he will know how to choose, inshallah. He will also find good muslim brothers to advise him , inshallah.

[nd90t3sf]

The question posted has nothing to do with not thinking highly of Muslima's in America. He is going to go to America for two years where he will probably try to find a match for him. He does not know about how it is, so he asked me. And I thought of posting it here because it is place where people from all backgrounds come with their helping nature and ever growing Imaan. This community is more trustworthy than any one on in the internet in my opinion. If he were to know that marriages do not last there, then he will not make any advances on women over there who might want to marry him. (Advances meaning, taking the phase to the next Islamically allowed level).

And, like I said, in India, parents are the one to find a match for the boy and he does not have anyone to look for him. And he cannot do it himself too because the society does not accept such way of going about it.

why does he not just marry someone in India, i don't know of many marriages that work where the guy or girl is from indo/pak and they marry someone from the west. Many of them have very different mindsets

[Overlord]

Sorry for the repost. New here.
I appreciate you giving a feedback about yourself. I have a few questions and would appreciate if you would take the time to answer to them.
Religion can only be a problem if you both were from different religions (my friend wants to marry an American Muslim though), so how did it work out?
I know compatibility it a problem, so I will not ask anything on it. How have no idea how education or finance can create a problem. Because, as long as the wife is not working, education is out of question. And so is finance because she should be able to use the budget given by the husband and live life accordingly. I would appreciate it if you could give a detailed answer. And it need not be related to you. You may answer in general as well.Thank you

Assalamu Alaikum brother,

Again it's hard for me to understand you, English is also not my 1st or 2nd language I guess it is not yours either.
From what I understand your friend expects to find an American girl who will accept a customary Indian marriage. A stay home wife.
You see that's what I meant by education and culture not that there are no such women but I don't think they would be easy to find.
Does your friend understand that women in the west have different expectations.
Yes they are Muslimah but culture as in India so in America has it's norms.
Maybe it's best if your friend went to the U.S see how he liked it for a year or so and think again if it really the place for him and then look for wife through the local Mosque community of his area.
Whether his ideas are Sunna or not, it's how the community will see him.
Inshallah with their help he might have a better chance.
This is not a religious issue but a social one, you need to contact a Muslim social site.
You are a good friend no doubt, but you can't think for someone else.
Best wishes
masalam