[BegeMoT]

:O do mine eyes deceive me?

Aaah I'm sorry BROTHER!

And also JazakAllah Khair for all the replies. It is a slow and long process but Insha Allah I'll get out from the other end defeating this bad habit!

[97dYA9L3]

Asalaamu Alaikum,

Brothers and sisters! I seem to fall back to where I was each time. I know we have to respect our parents and arguing with them is completely wrong. But my mom and I live together and we just can't get along!!!

What do I do when I feel like she is being really unfair?? I don't want to badmouth her but i thought maybe talking on this forum would be better than me telling someone who knows her in person as that would be more personal and worse and I really need advice.

My mom has a really huge temper too . We end up arguing so often and sometimes I feel like it's not my fault but at the same time she's my mother and I don't have the right to yell at her.

I just don't know how to get along with my mother. I love her so much but I can't seem to respect her because i don't feel like I get the respect back either. But at the same time, she was a single parent and I do respect her a lot. It's so hard!

Tonight I was way out of line and yelled at her a lot too but I can't even go and apologise because in the past when I have tried that it seems like her anger just looms more and more with time. So I'm trying to stay out of her sight as much as i can tonight.

There is a lot of bad feelings between us often. I have suffered from such severe waswas and Alhamdulillah it's much better now. But it wasn't my mom who helped me through it [she didn't know and what she did know, she did offer advice but it was long distance at the time as I was away]. It was different forum members and brothers and sisters I've never met. Now when I am much better with dealing with this Alhamdulillah I still find myself doing little things that are a bit OCD-like. Eg. I wash my hand quite often due to paranoia. and then she would just say you have this paranoia-disease or something like that and it would just upset me a lot and I know that's not even fair. I once took a shower in dirt because a dog had brushed against me and I thought it had licked me and the paranoia had gotten so bad. Now if I wash my hands a few extra times I don't think it's as bad as that an. And I try my best to avoid it and it makes me a bit over the top.


Please please help me! Please make Dua' for me and my family! I'm a bit of a bad smell in the house now and not very welcome! I end up in tears and regret things so much and often I can tell myself that I'm in the wrong. But sometimes, just sometimes, it seems like the adults forget they can be wrong too!

[Optipitle]

If there's anything more you wanna say, say it, it'd help you feeling lighter. All this makes me think...do you have friends? Real friends who you can talk on a very personal level?

What makes you think your mom encourages you in seeking a boyfriend?

I've seen such cases and believe me, the only solution I can think of is for you to get married.

Leave your past behind. Get married. Leave home.

[offemyJuccete]

If there's anything more you wanna say, say it, it'd help you feeling lighter. All this makes me think...do you have friends? Real friends who you can talk on a very personal level?


I've seen such cases and believe me, the only solution I can think of is for you to get married.

Leave your past behind. Get married. Leave home.

But I was really out of line though. Im lying in my room trying to understand just what happened. I just hate myself so much. I wish I could go and just talk to my mom and tell her I'm sorry.

I'm seen as a bad smell and I deserve it. I don't what came over me. I feel like when things go wrong that upset me and I try to keep calm it all explodes and goes horribly wrong.

I recently fell out with some of my long term close friends so right now I've got friends but no one to really talk to. And definitely I don't want badly about my mom to anyone who knows her. It's a long story with my old friends. I've tried to patch things up but it didn't work. I can't even express how lonely I feel but then I know Allah is always with you. but how can I expect good things after just shouting at my
Mother???! I have no right and my sister just told me too I was really wrong and went too far!

EDIT: I edited some things as I felt like I had revealed too much about my mom who is someone I do really love dearly but at the time I was so upset I started venting.

[suidinguilelf]

Subhanallah, I'm so sorry to hear this, I think the best thing to do is to sit down, cool down, and to let it pass over you. I don't really have a problem of getting angry even though I used to growing up. I think it has to do a lot with purifying your heart and keeping in mind that people make mistakes and no one is perfect. I also had some frustration with my parents but it was usually over major things. Even if I get angry at someone I try to be nice to them. I'm not a scholar but I know we have to keep our emotions in check and not allow them to control us. I agree with some of the other posters, continue doing zhikr and remember Allah when you get angry. It's a very harmful emotion.

[Arratherimi]

Because she keeps telling me to get a boyfriend. It's not really her fault though because they were brought up being encouraged to get boyfriends so they can get married so it's now within our generation people are beginning to realise our culture and things we were taught aren't Islamic. So I can understand my mom because for generations that's how it was done so she and that generation doesn't understand how wrong it is.

But I was really out of line though telling her that she is the reason no one likes her etc. and yelling at her about money. Im lying in my room trying to understand just what happened. I just hate myself so much. I wish I could go and just talk to my mom and tell her I'm sorry.

I'm seen as a bad smell and I deserve it. I don't what came over me. I feel like when things go wrong that upset me and I try to keep calm it all explodes and goes horribly wrong.

I recently fell out with some of my long term close friends so right now I've got friends but no one to really talk to. And definitely I don't want badly about my mom to anyone who knows her. It's a long story with my old friends. I've tried to patch things up but it didn't work. I can't even express how lonely I feel but then I know Allah is always with you. but how can I expect good things after just shouting at my
Mother???! I have no right and my sister just told me too I was really wrong and went too far!

It'd be great if you could seek forgiveness from your mom even if its her mistake presently or in the future.

Definitely don't go looking for a boyfriend even if your mom says so. Its haram.

People I know have been through worse cases but through Allah SWT's help have come up trumps.

Honestly and very frankly speaking, your case isn't anything rare, the positives are:

You still have your imaan.

You've your head and heart in the right place - you didn't go looking for a boyfriend despite being allowed to. For that, you should be highly commended.

You don't have any financial problems.

What I'm trying to say is to look at all the positives in your life.

And,

You're 22, you have a long life ahead.

And an eternal life to seriously work for in this life.

For all that, can't you seriously do sabr for a few months? While in the mean time, get some senior members here on Sf or your parents to look for a guy to get married to.

What do you say?

Cry and gain nothing. Or some sabr and gain everything

[doolarsva]

What do you say?

Cry and gain nothing. Or some sabr and gain everything

Where's the like button?

[Barbshowers]

Where's the like button?

Just duas brother, just duas.

[hexniks]

Sister you will have to mend your ways and worry less about the ideology of your mother at this time. Shouting at mum is unacceptable at ALL times and frequent decompensation and angers at one whose role is so honorable in Islam is just unacceptable. I am not being judgemental because we all have their own wrongdoings but you will need to reflect alot about actual underlying personal Islamic engagements, purification, prayer sincerity and khushoo. YOu will have to ramp up especially Zikr and Quran and modify your personality inshAllah to the best you can.

I used to and still have very big ideological differences with my dad. I used to end up with arguments with him. I used to feel terribly bad after reflecting all the un-replaceable love, care and dedication he has given to me and every member of my family. For the past few years I have been away from home and have very good conversations with dad over phone and skype. When I go back home to meet my family annually I am simply a passive listener when dad goes into things which I ideologically disagree. I dont try to argue my ideologies with him at all and will even nod and acknowledge to most of the things he says simply to avoid arguments. Sometimes even ideas, values which I strongly disagree with and have different ways. You will have to compromise your expression and defense of ideals and values at least in conversation with your parents if you have learnt that arguing with them is futile. Just find ways to be circular. If she persists and insists tell her that you are being careful because alot of girls lives have been played around or something along that line. AS long as its conversational, theoretical and abstract you can be passive and answer to her with answers that appeal her if that ends an argument and leaves you both in a less belligerent temper. In reality you have the freedom to think and act according to your beliefs, reason, conscience not your parents but you just dont need to keep on showing that to them by arguing with them. Show them that you really still acknowledge their advise and ideas in matters even where you have diametrically opposite ideas.

SO in the end just be careful about all this anger you are venting out at someone who holds such an honorable role. Even if one's mum was a prostitute that still does not justify even a slur of anger and bad words to her according to the deen. As long as she literally and in practice make you do haram you have to learn to be very respectful to them. If I am not mistaken and others can correct me even certain haram are not a justification to behave rebelliously, it actually is 'associating partners with Allah' according to the Quran which Quran says now you can really be adamant and persistent and start rebelling against them. And inshAllah I am advising myself also with this post. Otherwise if she lets you worship Allah and doesnot tell you to worship idols or other things then you have to give her maximum respect.

Please read this short page link. It has seven short verses on respect to parents. Memorize them.
http://www.parsquran.com/eng/subject/parents.htm

[occallExtet]

Aaah I'm sorry BROTHER!

And also JazakAllah Khair for all the replies. It is a slow and long process but Insha Allah I'll get out from the other end defeating this bad habit!

Dear Sister

Have you ever thought about trying some self help CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy)? It may help you to look at your anger from a different viewpoint.

Have a look at how anger becomes a vicious circle and Insha Allah you will find a way to overcome these feelings towards your mother.

http://www.getselfhelp.co.uk/docs/models/AngryCogs.pdf
http://www.getselfhelp.co.uk/docs/AngerQR.pdf

[Carfanate]

Asalaamu Alaikum,

Brothers and sisters! I seem to fall back to where I was each time. I know we have to respect our parents and arguing with them is completely wrong. But my mom and I live together and we just can't get along!!!

What do I do when I feel like she is being really unfair?? I don't want to badmouth her but i thought maybe talking on this forum would be better than me telling someone who knows her in person as that would be more personal and worse and I really need advice.

My mom has a really huge temper too . We end up arguing so often and sometimes I feel like it's not my fault but at the same time she's my mother and I don't have the right to yell at her.

During Ramadan she bought some meat from another country (a non-Muslim country). As far as I could see there was no sign it was halal but she said it was from a shop with no pork. I refused to touch or eat it and that ended up being a huge argument because she felt like I was accusing them of eating haram and I'm better than them etc. Whilst I would never say I'm better than them (they are Muslims too Alhamdulillah), I did point out the meat may not be halal. That's just one example.

The other night my sister and I asked her permission to go to the airport and we were going with some other family members. But they got a bit delayed and we found out they would be delayed before we left the house but we decided to leave anyway (a bit early) as we had already gotten the taxi. When we got to the ferry place (to get the ferry to go the airport) we realised just how early we were and so we asked our mom if we could just go to the airport and meet everyone else there. She just flipped out and made us come home again. I'm 22! And I know as sisters we shouldn't be leaving the house without mahram etc but her reasons for asking us to come home weren't for Islamic reasons I don't think. The reason I say this is because this is from the same family who is actively encouraging me to get a boyfriend so I can get married. When I say I don't want to get a boyfriend, I feel like I'm being judged. How ironic is that?? our 'Muslim' culture is a very Westernised version.

I just don't know how to get along with my mother. I love her so much but I can't seem to respect her because i don't feel like I get the respect back either. But at the same time, she was a single parent and I do respect her a lot. It's so hard!

And I know that I don't really deserve respect because of the arguing etc. But I always feel like I'm being attacked. Insha Allah my sister and I are talking of moving out next year to our own place our dad got for us as that way we can avoid such arguments. But literally I find it is so hard to stay quiet. I was talking to my sister tonight about just going to a shop and getting ready and she just came in to the conversation and just started saying stuff like asking my sister why is she [my sister] so scared of me? It felt like she was just doing it to be petty too. This was because another evening I had asked my sister to get ready but after she got ready I changed my mind about going out which I know was wrong of me. But the way my mom was saying that stuff and just saying 'tell me why ur so scared of her (me)) - it felt like she was just trying to start up a fight too.

I used to tell people she was my best friend because i felt so close to her. now she often tells me to move out. Tonight I was way out of line and yelled at her a lot too but I can't even go and apologise because in the past when I have tried that it seems like her anger just looms more and more with time. So I'm trying to stay out of her sight as much as i can tonight.

There is a lot of bad feelings between us often. I have suffered from such severe waswas and Alhamdulillah it's much better now. But it wasn't my mom who helped me through it [she didn't know and what she did know, she did offer advice but it was long distance at the time as I was away]. It was different forum members and brothers and sisters I've never met. Now when I am much better with dealing with this Alhamdulillah I still find myself doing little things that are a bit OCD-like. Eg. I wash my hand quite often due to paranoia. and then she would just say you have this paranoia-disease or something like that and it would just upset me a lot and I know that's not even fair. I once took a shower in dirt because a dog had brushed against me and I thought it had licked me and the paranoia had gotten so bad. Now if I wash my hands a few extra times I don't think it's as bad as that and one huge reason I end up doing it is because of the 'haram' or rather, questionable food we sometimes use. And I try my best to avoid it and it makes me a bit over the top.

I'm sorry that was such a huge vent. But I've just given you a few examples because I want to know how do I keep my temper down in such cases? I can't seem to do it. When the airport incident happened I didn't even go into my mom's room that night until I was calm because I wanted to avoid a fight. And that worked well as we then talked and got along fine afterwards. But then tonight it felt like she was trying to cause problems between me and my sister and I just blew up and screamed about how she had wasted our money last night by acting the way she had and that got really ugly .

Please please help me! Please make Dua' for me and my family! I'm a bit of a bad smell in the house now and not very welcome! I end up in tears and regret things so much and often I can tell myself that I'm in the wrong. But sometimes, just sometimes, it seems like the adults forget they can be wrong too!

Assalaamualaikum dearest sis.
I can feel you. Some amazing advice has been given by others, maashaAllaah..
Try working out what u need \ suits u best inshaAllaah.
I admire the fact that u r humble enough to acknowledge ur wrong and do regret. In fact that's a sign of imaan when our sins prick us and we feel guilty abt it.
Take it step by step.. Have goals, take the steps , Ull slowly but surely inshaAllaah get there over time.
We do understand that disobeying our parents is def a big crime.. But inshaAllaah u can still fix it, ur mother is alive.. ( if This helps, try thinking abt her leaving this world, would there be anything but painful regret?? ) if u know any sisters whove mothers have passed away ( may Allaah enlighten their graves nd have mercy of them Nd all the deceased believers , aameen) try speakin to them.
SubhaanAllaah ! Think of this Sis, if that's the regret one may feel in this worldy life itself, wht abt the regret of the day of judgement ( if in jannah, one will regret the time not spent in Allaah's dhikr ) what can be said abt the regret of sin itself before getting into jannah (inshaAllaah)
Last but not the least, try getting in touch with any practicing aalimaat / pious sisters inshaAllaah in ur area, inshaAllaah it'll be beneficial.
Main thing is the tawfeeq (divine ability) to do any good/rectify any evil .. That can only from Allaah ta'ala , keep beseeching Him, He will open the doors for u and Pave the away.

[Axxflcaj]

JazakAllah Khair. I truly appreciate all your replies.

I really do love my mother and think the world of her but we don't see eye to eye or much anymore. I have hurt her so much in the past too and I heard her telling my sister that.

PLease make Dua for me. I couldn't face the idea of going up to her and talking to her when she might still be angry with me so I've written her a letter just apologising for things I said tonight and in the past and explained to her that I do really love her but I have a problem controlling my anger and I am going to Insha Allah keep working on it. Please make Dua that she accepts it and things get better between us. It's a horrible feeling fighting with your own mother and knowing that you are the one in the wrong too completely.

Shouting at mum is unacceptable at ALL times and frequent decompensation and angers at one whose role is so honorable in Islam is just unacceptable. I know Brother I tell myself this all the time. Ever since I started this thread I've been trying some of the things like just remaining quiet at times of anger and the other night Insha Allah I think it worked but then it feels like I also hold it as a grudge and then later on it builds up and explodes (like tonight). Insha Allah I'm leaving to go back to UK in ten days time and i am thinking of trying to see a councellor for some anger management or something.

I am really worried about the letter though. Please make Dua.

I have so much to be grateful for in this life as Brother PLuto mentioned too. And honestly I feel like such a hypocrite every time I lose my temper. Like I make a big deal of eating halal always in the house, or about listening to music or getting a boyfriend etc! But I am ignoring one of the most important things in Islam which is to not get angry ESPECIALLY at your parents.

I am going to keep trying. Thank you for your kind words and encouragement and just listening.

[baskentt]

SubhaanAllaah.. I'd take back any word I said , but just sincerely recommend u to listen to the talks of shaykh Hussain posted by the brother. InshaAllaah it'll be veryyy beneficial . Do try taking notes , share ur thoughts with me afterwards inshaAllaah , was salaam

[SaamanthaSterlyng]

When I came across your post, I really wanted to help you because I had most of these problems in me and I can really understand how you feel. I am really sorry for the long reply and for the ease of reading I have divided into paragraphs with headings. You were in my mind during my prayers and I really wish and pray that Allah SWT helps you and bring you out of the state what you are in.

Know the root of the problem
The main problem is to do with our nafs. And I can say shaitan is nothing before our nafs. The problems you and many of us have are to do mainly with nafs and here I will give some solutions that helped me a lot Alhamdulillah. You are able to say here and I am so disgusted at my acts towards others that I don’t even like to say. The first step is to regret and utter hatred towards our actions which I see in you Alhamdulillah. As far as mothers and their love and affection, a father, husband or any relative can’t come close to them. That’s the most unfortunate thing that we end up hurting our mothers. I can understand how you should be feeling to hurt that soul and that is a very good step to seek your mom’s forgiveness. Many times we just don’t accept the qadr of Allah SWT and we are quite ungrateful to Him SWT. This builds up stress in us when things don’t happen as we like and we come out with emotional outbursts. We blame everyone around us and we remove our anger on them. Even though when others particularly our family do more good to us, we build up negative thoughts around few things and build the hatred and try to bring their bad. The one, who thanks people, thanks Allah SWT too. If we do not thank people, we won’t thank Allah SWT too. The result is we will lose the blessings we have and we will lose peace and we will regret a lot.

Your islah is in salah
The nafs goes very arrogant and it doesn’t humble easily. Now that we regret our action, the next step is to plead to Allah SWT to change us. Duaa, duaa and duaa. Now that we see the problem to be nafsi, here are some steps to deal with it inshaaAllah. Do not abandon salah and pray salah with concentration. Praying salah without concentration won’t help us much against nafs. This I am saying from my experience. When we stand for prayer, keep this firm in the mind that, "My islah is in salah". If I want to change, know that the solution is in my salah and so concentrate on what you recite while standing. Know that when we ask for guidance in surah fatiha while standing, guidance is at different levels. Now when we are worried about akhlaq and regret at bad akhlaq, we are pleading Allah SWT to guide towards good character and akhlaq as those whom Allah SWT blessed like Prophets (AS), siddiqeen, martyrs and righteous people. Keep them in mind, think of their high standard of akhlaq and ask Allah SWT to guide towards that and to save us from our lowly character and action. Similarly before going to ruku, think that our islah is in ruku and do it slowly and completely. Do not haste. Like this think before you go to sujud, when you get up from sujud and so on till you complete the salah. See I can’t express in words how much islahi talluq of shaikh helps. SubhanAllah! Seek islahi talluq of a pious elderly sheikh who can help you inshaaAllah. The bayans (deeni lectures) of my sheikh has profound effect on me Alhamdulillah. The shuyook easily can figure out the problem and give the solution with the help of Allah SWT. Now the problem is with akhlaq, i once asked sheikh how to become a person of soft natured. He asked me to pray salah with oncentration and I will become soft in nature. So I am passing his advice to you. Also try your best to stick to tahajjud inshaaAllah as advised by sheikh. Trust Allah SWT and His Prophet SAW more than anyone. When you hear the words of the Prophet SAW, know that it is a 100% guarantee thing. Now that we want to save ourselves from our evils, see the solution given by the Prophet SWT. Hold it like a treasure and be happy in knowing this treasure and be confident in the words of the Prophet SAW.
Our Holy Prophet SAW said, “Remain steadfast to your night prayers as this has been the practice of all righteous people before your time, and this will bring you closer to Allah Ta’Ala and will expiate the evils and keep you away from sins”.
See tahajjud is the special time a slave can talk to Allah SWT. This increases our love for Him SWT and a special bond is created with the Creator. Well you should experience this and inshaaAllah you will see the effect by yourself. Let Allah SWT grant us all tawfeeq to stick to tahajjud and grant us istiqaamat in our prayers.

Recite more Quran
Recite more Quran. Again how much it helps, you can know only by experience. This I learnt from my mom too, I have seen her often reciting Quran from young. She says whenever she feels down, she recites the Quran and she finds her heart going very calm and so she advises me the same. How true are the words of Allah SWT, "Indeed, in the Remembrance of Allah do hearts find rest" I do not know how much you recite Quran every day. If you do not recite, please start from at least half a juzz per day and then increase gradually. I hope you know Quran has been divided into 7 manzils. The regular habit of many Sahabahs (RA) and our pious predecessors was to complete a Quran every week, a manzil a day. Believe me when you stick to reciting Quran 1 manzil a day as our pious predecessors, you will see how peaceful it makes one. You are at home now, inshaaAllah you can recite it easily. If you are beginner I know this can be hard and in that case stick to minimum half a juzz per day and then you will see your heart getting attached to the Quran and how you will stick to it inshaaAllah. Again maashaaAllah I have to say that my sheikh said this in his bayan and today I am experiencing it Alhamdulillah. Blessed are the shuyook. I remember reading it somewhere that just like Allah SWT cures a person physically through the hands of doctors; Allah SWT cures the spiritual hearts through the words of scholars. So please get the islahi talluq of sheikh and keep listening to his bayan and try your best to follow their advice. Seek their help for spiritual cures like you have opened up in this forum Alhamdulillah. The bayans bring us close to Allah SWT. It helps us recognize Him SWT more and will increase our love of Allah SWT gradually.

Write it down
The other thing that helped me as per advice of one of my friends is to create a private blog. I write there whatever I feel, be the frustration or if I want to thank Allah SWT, to seek His SWT help to get over the frustrations and so on and on. This is like a diary for me. The problem with dairy is there is a possibility someone can read that while this for me is more private as no one can login and read as only I know the password. This is between me and my Lord. Khair this helps me to remove the burden of my heart when I write it down to Allah SWT. This also will prevent us from removing our anger on those close to us. Whenever you get frustrated with someone, don’t show your anger to them but instead write it down and see how it helps inshaaAllah.

The wird “laa hawlaa walaa quwwata illa billah”
I too had all this temper problems which pushed me to hate myself so much. I felt that I am completely out of control and it is very hard for me to control and in fact I felt it even impossible. I have cried a lot before Allah SWT. When I discussed with my sheikh, I was asked to recite laa hawlaa walaa quwwata illa billah a lot. This is indeed a treasure. Just ponder on this, we can’t do a single good deed and we can’t save ourselves from a single evil without Allah SWT’s help for the strength and power is only with Allah SWT. This is really a blow to the nafs believe me. First this makes one humble as it makes us realize how helpless we are without His help and this wird helps us to rely on Him SWT completely and seek His SWT help. Alhamdulillah this again has helped me. I have thought to the extent and prayed to Allah SWT that it is enough if Allah SWT gives me tawfeeq to stick to this wird throughout my life for this wird alone will suffice me inshaaAllah. No wonder our beloved Prophet SAW told that this is the treasure of both the worlds. See normally we just read hadiths and sayings of the pious and move on. Only when we act and experience, we will know the effect Alhamdulillah. Truly we are blessed to be Muslims. Who has all these treasures other than Muslims? Allahu Akbar!

Pray for the azmat of Muslims in the heart
Plead to Allah SWT to put azmat for Muslims in your heart. This will prevent us inshaaAllah from harming Muslims with our tongue or by any means. Our pious elders used to value every single muslim for the eemaan in the heart. Let us have that value. We should realize most of the time we end up hurting anyone because of losing azmat for them. Subconsciously we might have more pride in us that makes us neglect others and end up acting arrogantly towards them. If we make this firm in mind, we are lowly than anyone, inshaaAllah our attitude towards others will change and we won’t act rudely towards them. Make this duaa to Allah SWT to protect you from harming muslims by any means. There is a beautiful duaa I will write down here. Before that I want to say there are so many beautiful duas that Allah SWT and our beloved Prophet SAW taught that when I make duaa from that, I used to think it is enough if this duaa alone gets accepted for the weight it has and this I think of many duaas I come across. All the duas you can see compiled in a book called Munajat e maqbool. Try to get that book and train your mind to make duas from that daily. The book is divided into 7 parts of duas from Quran and sunnah. Recite each part every day. Here is the duaa I talked about before:
Allahummaj-alni sabooranw waj-alni shakooranw waj-alni fi aini sagheeranw wa fi aayoninnaasi kabeera. O Allah! Make me one who is extremely patient and one who is extremely grateful. Make me insignificant in my own eyes but great in the eyes of people. Normally we tend to use lose patience during trials and we end up regretting at our acts and we lose too much. On one hand we pass through the trial and on the other hand in the place if ajr we earn Allah’s displeasure which is a very unfortunate thing. I heard in the bayan of Sheikh Maulana Abdus Sattar (DB) that sabr is such a great thing that reward for those who have sabr is known only to Allah SWT. As far as the gratitude, if we train ourselves to be grateful, we won’t take trial much to the heart. Most of the depression is due to the fact that we lose hope in Allah’s SWT mercy. If we count His favors and be grateful to Him, we won’t feel very depressed but remain content. Then the part about insignificant in our own eyes, this I told before when we feel we are the worst, we won’t be rude and arrogant to others inshaaAllah

More duaas
The other duaa I yearn to be accepted is:
Allahumma waffiqni lima tuhibbu wa tarda minal qauli, wal fiali, wal amali, wan niyyati, wal hadyi innaka alaa kulli shay’in qadeer.
Oh Allah! Give me the ability to do that which y\You love and are pleased with be it a word, an act, a deed, an intention or a method (way) for surely You have power over everything.
What a beautiful duaa! What else we need.
Recite morning and evening durood-100 times, Subhanallahi walhamdulillahi wala ilaha illallahu wallahu akbar wala hawla wala quwwata illa billahil aliyyil azeem-100 times, istighfar-100 times.
Recite the morning and evening duas regularly. Include the following duaa:
ya hayyu ya qayyum bi rahmatika astagheethu aslihli shanee kullahu wa la takilnee ilaa nafsee tarfata `ayn
O the Living! O the Self-subsisting! It is through Your mercy that I am seeking help. Set right all my affairs and do not make me dependant on myself even for a single moment.
I remember reading that the above duaa was taught by the Prophet SAW to his SAW daughter Fatimah (RA) to be recited every morning and evening.
One more duaa:
Allahumma haadhad duaa’u wa alaikal ijaabatu wa haadhal huhdu wa alaikat taklaan. Allahumma! Laa takilni ilaa nafsee Tarfata ayn walaa tanzi’a minnee saaliha maa a’ATainee.
O Allah! This is my duaa and it is upon You to accept it. This is my endeavor and all trust is placed in You now. O Allah! Do not leave me to myself even for the blink of an eye, nor snatch away from me the good that You have bestowed upon me.

I really hope this helps and I am really sorry for ending up with such a long reply. Let Allah SWT make this helpful to you and accept it from me. Ameen. Please remember me in your duaas. You are also in my duas inshaaAllah.

[gundos]

Sister listen to this short clip [Shariah compliant]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GZ5Bk...yer_detailpage

[imnaone]

When I came across your post, I really wanted to help you because I had most of these problems in me and I can really understand how you feel. I am really sorry for the long reply and for the ease of reading I have divided into paragraphs with headings. You were in my mind during my prayers and I really wish and pray that Allah SWT helps you and bring you out of the state what you are in.

Know the root of the problem
The main problem is to do with our nafs. And I can say shaitan is nothing before our nafs. The problems you and many of us have are to do mainly with nafs and here I will give some solutions that helped me a lot Alhamdulillah. You are able to say here and I am so disgusted at my acts towards others that I don’t even like to say. The first step is to regret and utter hatred towards our actions which I see in you Alhamdulillah. As far as mothers and their love and affection, a father, husband or any relative can’t come close to them. That’s the most unfortunate thing that we end up hurting our mothers. I can understand how you should be feeling to hurt that soul and that is a very good step to seek your mom’s forgiveness. Many times we just don’t accept the qadr of Allah SWT and we are quite ungrateful to Him SWT. This builds up stress in us when things don’t happen as we like and we come out with emotional outbursts. We blame everyone around us and we remove our anger on them. Even though when others particularly our family do more good to us, we build up negative thoughts around few things and build the hatred and try to bring their bad. The one, who thanks people, thanks Allah SWT too. If we do not thank people, we won’t thank Allah SWT too. The result is we will lose the blessings we have and we will lose peace and we will regret a lot.

Your islah is in salah
The nafs goes very arrogant and it doesn’t humble easily. Now that we regret our action, the next step is to plead to Allah SWT to change us. Duaa, duaa and duaa. Now that we see the problem to be nafsi, here are some steps to deal with it inshaaAllah. Do not abandon salah and pray salah with concentration. Praying salah without concentration won’t help us much against nafs. This I am saying from my experience. When we stand for prayer, keep this firm in the mind that, "My islah is in salah". If I want to change, know that the solution is in my salah and so concentrate on what you recite while standing. Know that when we ask for guidance in surah fatiha while standing, guidance is at different levels. Now when we are worried about akhlaq and regret at bad akhlaq, we are pleading Allah SWT to guide towards good character and akhlaq as those whom Allah SWT blessed like Prophets (AS), siddiqeen, martyrs and righteous people. Keep them in mind, think of their high standard of akhlaq and ask Allah SWT to guide towards that and to save us from our lowly character and action. Similarly before going to ruku, think that our islah is in ruku and do it slowly and completely. Do not haste. Like this think before you go to sujud, when you get up from sujud and so on till you complete the salah. See I can’t express in words how much islahi talluq of shaikh helps. SubhanAllah! Seek islahi talluq of a pious elderly sheikh who can help you inshaaAllah. The bayans (deeni lectures) of my sheikh has profound effect on me Alhamdulillah. The shuyook easily can figure out the problem and give the solution with the help of Allah SWT. Now the problem is with akhlaq, i once asked sheikh how to become a person of soft natured. He asked me to pray salah with oncentration and I will become soft in nature. So I am passing his advice to you. Also try your best to stick to tahajjud inshaaAllah as advised by sheikh. Trust Allah SWT and His Prophet SAW more than anyone. When you hear the words of the Prophet SAW, know that it is a 100% guarantee thing. Now that we want to save ourselves from our evils, see the solution given by the Prophet SWT. Hold it like a treasure and be happy in knowing this treasure and be confident in the words of the Prophet SAW.
Our Holy Prophet SAW said, “Remain steadfast to your night prayers as this has been the practice of all righteous people before your time, and this will bring you closer to Allah Ta’Ala and will expiate the evils and keep you away from sins”.
See tahajjud is the special time a slave can talk to Allah SWT. This increases our love for Him SWT and a special bond is created with the Creator. Well you should experience this and inshaaAllah you will see the effect by yourself. Let Allah SWT grant us all tawfeeq to stick to tahajjud and grant us istiqaamat in our prayers.

Recite more Quran
Recite more Quran. Again how much it helps, you can know only by experience. This I learnt from my mom too, I have seen her often reciting Quran from young. She says whenever she feels down, she recites the Quran and she finds her heart going very calm and so she advises me the same. How true are the words of Allah SWT, "Indeed, in the Remembrance of Allah do hearts find rest" I do not know how much you recite Quran every day. If you do not recite, please start from at least half a juzz per day and then increase gradually. I hope you know Quran has been divided into 7 manzils. The regular habit of many Sahabahs (RA) and our pious predecessors was to complete a Quran every week, a manzil a day. Believe me when you stick to reciting Quran 1 manzil a day as our pious predecessors, you will see how peaceful it makes one. You are at home now, inshaaAllah you can recite it easily. If you are beginner I know this can be hard and in that case stick to minimum half a juzz per day and then you will see your heart getting attached to the Quran and how you will stick to it inshaaAllah. Again maashaaAllah I have to say that my sheikh said this in his bayan and today I am experiencing it Alhamdulillah. Blessed are the shuyook. I remember reading it somewhere that just like Allah SWT cures a person physically through the hands of doctors; Allah SWT cures the spiritual hearts through the words of scholars. So please get the islahi talluq of sheikh and keep listening to his bayan and try your best to follow their advice. Seek their help for spiritual cures like you have opened up in this forum Alhamdulillah. The bayans bring us close to Allah SWT. It helps us recognize Him SWT more and will increase our love of Allah SWT gradually.

Write it down
The other thing that helped me as per advice of one of my friends is to create a private blog. I write there whatever I feel, be the frustration or if I want to thank Allah SWT, to seek His SWT help to get over the frustrations and so on and on. This is like a diary for me. The problem with dairy is there is a possibility someone can read that while this for me is more private as no one can login and read as only I know the password. This is between me and my Lord. Khair this helps me to remove the burden of my heart when I write it down to Allah SWT. This also will prevent us from removing our anger on those close to us. Whenever you get frustrated with someone, don’t show your anger to them but instead write it down and see how it helps inshaaAllah.

The wird “laa hawlaa walaa quwwata illa billah”
I too had all this temper problems which pushed me to hate myself so much. I felt that I am completely out of control and it is very hard for me to control and in fact I felt it even impossible. I have cried a lot before Allah SWT. When I discussed with my sheikh, I was asked to recite laa hawlaa walaa quwwata illa billah a lot. This is indeed a treasure. Just ponder on this, we can’t do a single good deed and we can’t save ourselves from a single evil without Allah SWT’s help for the strength and power is only with Allah SWT. This is really a blow to the nafs believe me. First this makes one humble as it makes us realize how helpless we are without His help and this wird helps us to rely on Him SWT completely and seek His SWT help. Alhamdulillah this again has helped me. I have thought to the extent and prayed to Allah SWT that it is enough if Allah SWT gives me tawfeeq to stick to this wird throughout my life for this wird alone will suffice me inshaaAllah. No wonder our beloved Prophet SAW told that this is the treasure of both the worlds. See normally we just read hadiths and sayings of the pious and move on. Only when we act and experience, we will know the effect Alhamdulillah. Truly we are blessed to be Muslims. Who has all these treasures other than Muslims? Allahu Akbar!

Pray for the azmat of Muslims in the heart
Plead to Allah SWT to put azmat for Muslims in your heart. This will prevent us inshaaAllah from harming Muslims with our tongue or by any means. Our pious elders used to value every single muslim for the eemaan in the heart. Let us have that value. We should realize most of the time we end up hurting anyone because of losing azmat for them. Subconsciously we might have more pride in us that makes us neglect others and end up acting arrogantly towards them. If we make this firm in mind, we are lowly than anyone, inshaaAllah our attitude towards others will change and we won’t act rudely towards them. Make this duaa to Allah SWT to protect you from harming muslims by any means. There is a beautiful duaa I will write down here. Before that I want to say there are so many beautiful duas that Allah SWT and our beloved Prophet SAW taught that when I make duaa from that, I used to think it is enough if this duaa alone gets accepted for the weight it has and this I think of many duaas I come across. All the duas you can see compiled in a book called Munajat e maqbool. Try to get that book and train your mind to make duas from that daily. The book is divided into 7 parts of duas from Quran and sunnah. Recite each part every day. Here is the duaa I talked about before:
Allahummaj-alni sabooranw waj-alni shakooranw waj-alni fi aini sagheeranw wa fi aayoninnaasi kabeera. O Allah! Make me one who is extremely patient and one who is extremely grateful. Make me insignificant in my own eyes but great in the eyes of people. Normally we tend to use lose patience during trials and we end up regretting at our acts and we lose too much. On one hand we pass through the trial and on the other hand in the place if ajr we earn Allah’s displeasure which is a very unfortunate thing. I heard in the bayan of Sheikh Maulana Abdus Sattar (DB) that sabr is such a great thing that reward for those who have sabr is known only to Allah SWT. As far as the gratitude, if we train ourselves to be grateful, we won’t take trial much to the heart. Most of the depression is due to the fact that we lose hope in Allah’s SWT mercy. If we count His favors and be grateful to Him, we won’t feel very depressed but remain content. Then the part about insignificant in our own eyes, this I told before when we feel we are the worst, we won’t be rude and arrogant to others inshaaAllah

More duaas
The other duaa I yearn to be accepted is:
Allahumma waffiqni lima tuhibbu wa tarda minal qauli, wal fiali, wal amali, wan niyyati, wal hadyi innaka alaa kulli shay’in qadeer.
Oh Allah! Give me the ability to do that which y\You love and are pleased with be it a word, an act, a deed, an intention or a method (way) for surely You have power over everything.
What a beautiful duaa! What else we need.
Recite morning and evening durood-100 times, Subhanallahi walhamdulillahi wala ilaha illallahu wallahu akbar wala hawla wala quwwata illa billahil aliyyil azeem-100 times, istighfar-100 times.
Recite the morning and evening duas regularly. Include the following duaa:
ya hayyu ya qayyum bi rahmatika astagheethu aslihli shanee kullahu wa la takilnee ilaa nafsee tarfata `ayn
O the Living! O the Self-subsisting! It is through Your mercy that I am seeking help. Set right all my affairs and do not make me dependant on myself even for a single moment.
I remember reading that the above duaa was taught by the Prophet SAW to his SAW daughter Fatimah (RA) to be recited every morning and evening.
One more duaa:
Allahumma haadhad duaa’u wa alaikal ijaabatu wa haadhal huhdu wa alaikat taklaan. Allahumma! Laa takilni ilaa nafsee Tarfata ayn walaa tanzi’a minnee saaliha maa a’ATainee.
O Allah! This is my duaa and it is upon You to accept it. This is my endeavor and all trust is placed in You now. O Allah! Do not leave me to myself even for the blink of an eye, nor snatch away from me the good that You have bestowed upon me.

I really hope this helps and I am really sorry for ending up with such a long reply. Let Allah SWT make this helpful to you and accept it from me. Ameen. Please remember me in your duaas. You are also in my duas inshaaAllah.

MaashaAllaah this sister has indeed given veryy beautiful / practical advice. Allaah accept!
just one thing sister Mercy of Allaah.. the final duaa u mentioned.. I think u misspelled wa haadhal Huhdu.. its wa haadhal JUHdu?

[Taunteefrurge]

Sister Khadimah, you have misspelled Imaam Shafi rh as 'Imaan' in your sig

subhaanAllaah..I never realized/noticed that b4, jazaakAllaah khair for pointing that out brother
Have now corrected it

[SappyAppy]

Alhamdulillah sister MercyofAllah. I read your post and it is really beneficial to me. I'm going to start following all these advices given Insha Allah and let you know. I think having an online journal would be really great to get things off my chest.

I have apologised to my mom and we spoke about stuff. Insha Allah I am going to do my utmost best to avoid argueing. I feel like I've gotten another chance again Alhamdulillah.

I want your advice on something though. My family is not as strict regarding halal food. ESP things like chocolate are all just considered okay. We recently got chocolate that is halal according to the Hanafi madhhab (it had calf rennet) but this isn't permissible according to the Shafi madhhab. We end up arguing all the time and I have been told not to interfere so I don't. But then they serve this food to other Muslims and when I speak up each time we argue and I've basically been told to not get involved. So today in front of me they were eating said chocolates and I couldn't say anything because I wasn't sure how to speak up without causing a fight because each time it gets really bad. Is this a sin on me?? What do I do??? I just sat and watched feeling horrible. At least it wasn't haram meat and is something halal in some madhhabs but I still felt awful

[JAMES PIETERSE]

Sorry I meant today they were serving these chocolates (brownies) to my cousins etc and I didn't know how to speak up

[encunnibriG]

Asalaamu Alaikum

I am turning to all my brothers and susters on this forum with the hope that Insha Allah I can find a helping hand here.

For the longest time I've really struggled with my temper. When I was younger my sister and I would physically fight too slapping and shouting. Now that I'm older we grew out of it and yet my temper seems worse. I would get upset over the smallest things and esp if it's something in the past that can't be changed I would bring it up and rub it in people's faces all the time. It's like I take this extra joy in knowing they can't change the past and can't change the event. One time my sister tapped my forehead with her empty chocolate bottle and I yelled at her for about twenty minutes asking over and over again 'why did u do it? Would u like it if I did the same etc'. basically I make mountains out of molehills

I can't even describe the sensation I get when in so angry. I can't think straight but at the same time I'm thinking and telling myself to stop, this is a sin, the Angels are recording my every word. Often I get severe waswas thinking I'm not saying any swear words so it doesn't matter etc which I know is not true. It's like I'm telling myself to stop but unable to exert the self control to do so. Today after a fight I was so angry I wanted to walk up to my sis and yell at her and a part of me told me not to and yet I did it anyway.

The worst thing is I just can't let go of things that happened. I hold grudges. I feel terrible afterwards. I instantly cool down and regret things. I know all the things I'm meant to do -sit, lie down etc. I know that! But at that moment I can't seem to Apply them!

Please help me. I've begun to hate myself so much. I read up on this is a sin and examples of times of great restraint but I can't seem to do it. People have started to draw away from me because of this too.

Please help me!!!! And please make Dua for me. I feel so ashamed.

Your anger is a double-edged sword and can also be a means through which you are able to gain proximity to Allah much faster than others. Please read the following reply to a brother who requested help in opposing 'extra-strong' desires:

It makes sense that the greater the Jihad of the Nafs, the greater the reward.
The pauper who donates the £5 that amounts to half his life savings is likely to be worthy of more reward than the millionaire who donates the £500 that seems like loose change to him.

Give the brother this to read:

The heart is there to be broken....

Mawlana Mufti Muhammad Shafi (RA) is said to have cited an example with regards to the heart being there to be broken.

In the old days there used to be hakims (traditional medical practitioners) who used to grind herbs and prepare medicines of different sorts. In order to do this they would have to burn gold and other metals. They produced tonics that would provide great energy. Mawlana Mufti Muhammad Shafi (RA) used to say that if you grind your desires to pieces, to powder and burn them to ashes they too will turn into tonic. You will gain strength to establish a relationship with Allah (swt) and get love for him. Your heart will become the centre of light from Allah (swt). The more you break your heart the more it will become beloved in Allah's sight.

The more you strike it, the more it will be dear to the maker. He has made it so it may be broken, that its desires be trampled upon for his sake. And when it is crushed it turns into something else.

Mufti Taqi Usmani then goes onto quote a verse of a poem recited by Dr. Abdul Hayyi (RA):

We will turn it into something else. We will convert it into what we like. So, do not suppose that you are being hit by crushing the desires of the soul. Rather, the sweet taste that it will have after the heart becomes the home of Allah's love will disclose that the taste of sins that you used to have was nothing in comparison.

Mawlana Rumi (RA) says about base desires:

The wordly desires are like fuel. Do not regard the desires in your heart as weak. They are useful. The more you burn them, the more taqwa will brighten your heart. You get the desires to do this or that-do not say that they are useless. Allah (swt) has creted them with wisdom. It is that you burn them, as you do that they grow taqwa in you. Endure hardship, but burn the desires.

The more your heart breaks the more dear it is to its Maker. Once you do it, ALLAH (swt) will grant you a sweeteness that will exceed the sweeteness of sin.