[johnteriz]

Kids of today, let me tell you about something that we had many moons ago. It may seem like a foreign concept, but please take your Ritalin and try to follow along.

Once upon a time, there was this thing called a music album. It came in various physical formats including vinyl records, compact discs and tapes. A ‘band’ or ‘group’ would make a collection of songs and put it on an ‘album.’ When you bought this album, you could listen to the whole thing. While not all albums were great in their entirety, you got to listen to all the songs until you knew them all – the lengths, lyrics, bridges, choruses, hooks. You listened to the album as the artist intended, because some albums had some sort of progression or story to tell. Some bands even made albums that the tracks flowed together, creating a soundscape – a soundtrack to life. It was sometimes a rollercoaster of emotions, and often times you couldn’t imagine a pause in the music. It simply wouldn’t make sense. It’d be like ****ing a girl and then stopping every 3 and half minutes to go pee. You’d probably disappoint that girl more than you already did.

Back then, you’d say “I’m a Pink Floyd fan. I love the Beatles, Wu-Tang, etc.”

You categorized your music by the artist. The songs you liked were on an album.

Eventually technology got to the point where you would pick which songs you wanted to listen to, randomly and at any time. This seemed like a great idea, right? Well, much like watching clips of The Sixth Sense that start with “Oh yeah, I’m dead,” it just didn’t seem right. You were now controlling something that you didn’t create. You made the Mona Lisa an Asian girl. No racism intended, she was an ugly white porch monkey.

Fast forward to the end of the world – the invention of the MP3. All of a sudden, you had a collection of ‘songs’ and no longer a collection of ‘music.’ Your friends came over to your house and you bragged about the size of your hard drive while your Ikea wall cabinet stay barren. Several rock stars overdosed on drugs picturing you doing that.

When the iPod came out, music was doomed. 10000 songs, you say? That’s funny. I can only hear one at a time. Kids wore it while walking – to the moon, apparently. Why would you need more than 80 minutes of music? Where are you walking? All of a sudden you got this impulse ‘shit, I gotta hear this one song…’ over and over again. Da Mystery of Chessboxing was followed by My Sharona. You were now ‘diverse’ and ‘worldly.’ You had white headphones because you loved 10000 songs, mother****er. You're bitchin'.

You should all be ashamed of yourselves. You’ve destroyed the music industry. I listen to The Dark Side of the Moon. You listen to “Time” and “Money.” You’ve negated years of hard work and talent. Why should anyone spend years making an album when you’re only going to buy one song from iTunes for 99 cents? That’s the only song people are gonna hear anyway. They’ll skip right to it. Just make it track 1, save them some time. This had led to artists putting out shitty albums built around a couple of songs that will sell for 99 cents.

Remember Michael Jackson’s Bad album? Almost every song was a hit because people couldn’t pick a favorite song and kept requesting so many on the radio. What a crazy idea. Buy the album, learn to like it, keep listening. The album sold over 30 millions copies at about $12. You do the math. A massively popular song will be downloaded a few million times, at 99 cents. After that, the kids latch onto the next artist and you’re outta luck. It sickens me how many people downloaded “Feel Good Inc.” and didn’t get the whole album. You suckers missed the pop album of the year. You’ll do it again this year with Stefy. I promise.

Millions bought the Aqua album in the 90s after hearing Barbie Girl on the radio. They popped in the CD – what’s this? Candyman is a great song? So is this one? And this one? Wow, I’m pleasantly surprised. They started requesting those other songs, and they became hits as well. The band must have been overjoyed. They made “fans” and not just “customers.” If I sound repetitive it's because I'm on random and you opted for the 1GB model only.

Nowadays, people just download the singles because they “know” the album is crap. Download 2 songs for 2 dollars rather than spend 12 on a CD that must suck? Works for everyone except the artist. No one goes to the concert. No one sings along with any other songs. They cannot progress as an artist because they have no base. The artist then gives up and ends up in sitcoms instead. You don’t notice or care because you didn’t buy the album. Heaven forbid you missed out on gems that could’ve been added to your life.

So **** you, iPod, and your ****ing random button. And all you emo skater trash that want to be famous rockers – here’s a dollar. That’s all you’ll make and it’s your fault. I’ll go buy ‘albums’ and become fans of artists, not hard drives.