[Styparty]

It is always really wonderful to hear about self empowerment and how people overcome abusive or co-dependant relationships to master their own lives. It gives incredible sense of purpose and motivation to others reading this who are in a similar boat. However, it is worth noting that not all abusers are bullies and not all bullies are covering up their own fears. For example, many, many people (mostly women) who suffer or have survived domestic violence and abuse, the abuser cannot be stood up to so easily. There is a very real danger of violence and death. Some abusers are not in the least driven by or covering their own fears but instead, motivated by other factors such as chemical imbalance and severe psychiatric disorder. When objective reality has been severed from subjective experience by severe trauma or torture for example, the jouissance of the objective within the abuser becomes an often unpredictable, yet absolute threat. There is no reasoning, no way to avoid and no possible threat that can bring this kind of abuser to heel so easily.

The reason I mention this here is that for anyone reading this who is in an abusive situation themselves, it is essential to be able to distinguish the difference between a bully who is essentially a co-dependant, fearful person, yet who shares the consensual understanding of cause and effect (ie what you threaten to do will cause them pain or discomfort which they can objectify (A) and will, therefore, seek to avoid) and an abuser who is fundamentally disconnected from consensual, objective reality (ie what you threaten is irrelevant because any pain, either yours or theirs, can only be objectified via their own jouissance). The latter cannot be threatened, reasoned with or ignored and it is vital that external assistance and protection is sought (Police, Legal, Medical avenues).

Unfortunately most people who are being abused are not able to make such distinctions so easily so it is impossible to give any hard and fast indicators as to what is safe and what isn't but essentially, what works for one person cannot be applied to all cases so when dealing with clients, although building self esteem and confidence are vitally important, we must take great care not to assume that their fears and concerns are merely down to lack of confidence. Sometimes their fears are VERY well grounded and special precautions are needed.

Hi Millie. I think it is still the same in the end - reaching your limit. My first husband tried to kill me. I found a cottage in the country where he wouldnt find me - a safe place. My mother told him where I was so I ended up going back - not because I was afraid or loved him - because I felt sorry for him and the hopelessness I heard in his voice. After another 6 years (9 in total) and 3 more pregnancies I reached my limit. He picked up my one year old son and heaved him against the wall (for crying). That did it. I knew I could not keep my children safe any more. Previously I thought I could keep his anger from them. ( A childhood pattern of taking abuse for the rest of my family) He always said he would kill me if he left. At that point I decided I could not live like that the rest of my life so if he decided to kill me so be it. I told people for the first time in my life after getting off the plane from Australia when we returned home to New Zealand. I told his family then mine. It took another 6 months when he changed his behaviour briefly in order to convince me to stay but then the violence happened again and this time he did not try to stop me. He just knew no words or anything else would change my mind.


I told him later I slept with a gun under my bed (not loaded) because I thought he would get drunk and come to kill me. he said "I thought about it but I decided if you didnt want me it wasnt worth going to prison and it wouldnt get you back."
He said he would rather die than stop drinking and a month after our divorce he had a stroke after a drinking binge. He lay in hospital unable to move or speak. I thought that was an opportunity for him to change but he was out of bed and hospital in a week and though he still has a speech impediment he is functional. He continued to drink heavily and now I see him since he is often at my sons. I feel sad for him. His mental processes are that of one who halted cognitive development in his young life.

I realised later that he could have killed me so even when he seemed out of control there were controls of a sort that set limits for him. He is 6'4" and a huge man. I am just 5'4". Much learning came out of all this once I had moved into a state of more awareness. It seems to me that is the key to self empowerment. To learn to love yourself and know your power to rise.