[Nikkytas]

One of the soubriquets often attached to the shaman is the term ‘wounded healer’. This is because we’re so often leading people out of mires that we have only recently been ensnared in ourselves.

I noticed this phenomena quite soon after I first started practising shamanic healing. I eventually stopped advertising my healing services, because I realised that the spirits were already ‘taking care of business’, by sending me people that resonated with my particular wounding ~ and in my case, it was co-dependency and addiction.

I think they’re choosing wisely! After falling in love with and trying to redeem an irredeemable alcoholic for four years, I’d say I’ve got a PhD in co-dependency and addiction. What I learned during those four years was immense, not least that I could only solve the problem of that situation in one way. Not by him overcoming his alcoholism, but by me overcoming my own co-dependency.

In doing that, I had to follow the same 12-step path of recovering alcoholic of Alcoholics Anonymous. I had to follow it at Al-Anon, which is the support group for the families of alcoholics. The 12-Step Plan is actually a spiritual path, and it got me back in touch with Spirit again (this time, the right kind of spirit!) after languishing in dissolute fashion for five years in the Streets of Shame of the tabloid hack.

Soon after that, I went to India and met Sathya Sai Baba, and I spent a long time in his ashram, recovering my own sense of worth and self esteem, and sowing the seeds of the life path which has brought me to where I am today. It was there, in India, that I first learned about shamanism and, soon after that, I was being trained back in England by a shaman who spent a long time teaching us about the importance of self-empowerment ~ how to get our power back that had been stolen by others, and how to return power that we'd unconsciously stolen from others.

It is the loss of self-empowerment and self-worth that attracts the addict to the co-dependant. It's as if they have a big gaping hole torn out of their solar plexus area that is surrounded by brightly flashing neon lights.

What is co-dependancy?

How do you know if you’re co-dependant? Well, if you’ve ever read the book Women Who Love Too Much, that just about sums it up. It’s not that it’s wrong to love too much. But one has to love in self empowered and unconditional way. By which I mean that the co-dependent is an addict too. Except while the addict is addicted to something, the co-dependent is addicted to the addict.

Why is the co-dependant addicted to the addict? Well, in my opinion and experience, the addict steals the power of the co-dependant ~ often by getting angry or violent, but even when not, other means are used to inflict mental pain such as neglect or undervaluing.

My guru, Sai Baba, once said: “If a tiger in the jungle bit your head off, you wouldn’t go back to the tiger to ask it to put your head back on,” which is exactly what the co-dependant does. He or she is continually revisiting the scene of the crime and trying to find the soul bit that the addict stole through inflicting pain.

It was only through training in shamanic healing, and receiving many soul retrievals, that I managed to get all the pieces back together again. (If you’d like to know more about soul retrieval, read What Becomes of the Broken-Hearted?)

So I now have quite a few clients who are wanting release from their co-dependancy and I take them along the same path that I took to recovery.

What is an addict?

We may not understand what an addict is, these days, because addiction has entered the mainstream as acceptable behaviour, unless it's really extreme. But our consumer society encourages addictions of all sorts ~ alcohol, gambling, drugs, shopping, sex, computer gaming ... to name but a few.

So how can we recognise addiction? I would say that addiction is characterised by an over-riding compulsion to do something which will completely screw you up and screw up your life and the lives of the people that love you. It’s not so important what the addict is actually addicted to. It’s about having an addictive personality. In fact, some addicts spread their addictions over many substances and other need-fulfillers so that no one addiction dominates and thus their addictive personality is less visible to others.

Having an addictive personality is like being on an irresistable path into complete destruction and annihilation. It’s like a ten-ton truck with failed brakes careering wildy out of control down a hill and anyone who gets in the way ~ like friends and family ~ are mown down too.

It is also my experience that there is something I call the ‘alcohol demon’. I call it this because there is often a sudden change in personality that comes over the addict before he inflicts pain. I would look into the eyes of my partner in those days, and not recognise the person behind them.

The Alcohol Demon by Americo Salazar
alcoholic-demon-americo-salazar.jpg


Whether or not it is an actual demon, the addict behaves as if under the control of another entity. There is a compulsion that disables and then over-rides the addict’s common sense. I once saw a journalist drink himself to death. He wasn’t unhappy. He had a lovely home and a lovely partner, and he was often the life and soul of the party. But when the doctor told him that if he continued to drink alcohol in the way that he did, he would soon die, my friend ignored the advice and carried on, and he passed away quite soon after that.

And so one can certainly see this kind of compulsion as possession by another entity ~ one that doesn’t have the best interests of its host at heart. When I lived with my alcoholic, I used to sometimes feel that this entity wanted me gone. As an alternative health journalist, I was always coming up with the latest cure to help him ~ and he would try them all and then give up after the first treatment. In the end, he did try to kill me, but it didn’t look like it was him behind his eyes when it happened.

So shamanic healing can also extricate this entity from the addict’s energy field by a process called shamanic extraction. The shaman, in trance, is shown where the entity is lodged and then there is a process of extraction which, if done properly, is safe, effective and powerfully transformative.

However, the addict first has to want it removed, and that’s usually the sticking point. There are very few addicts that will seek recovery until they hit rock bottom in life ~ until there is no-one or nothing to support them anymore. The presence of the co-dependent prevents the addict from hitting rock bottom, and so even though they want to help, their ‘help’ is counterproductive.

There are many different kinds of love, and ‘tough love’ is one of them. In this case, it is the only kind of love that works.

[deermealec]

Thanks for sharing Darling. My first husband was a violent alcoholic. Certainly a follow on from childhood programming to be beaten and devalued. I work with people now - as you say - to retrieve their souls and to empower themselves. I call it Self Empowerment and teach all sort of skills they can use to remove the negatives and imprint the positives. They have to choose the carrot. I think thats vital. The addict or person suffering from depressions etc must choose what is important enough to motivate them to overcome their addiction. Its powerful and they can make huge changes in a short time. Thats the public version I teach - but the same can happen quickly in a private session as you know. I didnt read "What became of the Broken Hearted" because "Once Were Warriors" was hard and watching the movie took me back. I may have a look at it now. XXOOXX

[angeldimmon]

Thanks Jags. Once Were Warriors is one of the few movies I've watched twice and actually owned at one point (not sure if I still have it). It's brilliant but yes, hard to watch.

[Indoendris]

My first husband was a violent alcoholic. Certainly a follow on from childhood programming to be beaten and devalued. I work with people now - as you say - to retrieve their souls and to empower themselves. I call it Self Empowerment and teach all sort of skills they can use to remove the negatives and imprint the positives. They have to choose the carrot. I think thats vital. The addict or person suffering from depressions etc must choose what is important enough to motivate them to overcome their addiction. Its powerful and they can make huge changes in a short time. Thanks, Jags. As Ishtar knows, I was married to a closet alcoholic. Although I never went through the childhood programming to be beaten, I was certainly devalued enough to attract someone into my life who would do the same. Living with someone who degraded my self-esteem was not fun. Continuing to live with her for the sake of the children did not work since the divorce splattered all over them eventually anyway.

Being an alcoholic is destructive to one's self and everyone in the immediate vicinity. People nearby suffer in ways the alcoholic cannot imagine since the demon takes control and guides the abuse of self and others. Temper tantrums, physical and mental abuse, lies, deceptions, infidelity, manipulations - those are all the war chest of a self-destructive individual. And like moths to the flame, co-dependents are attracted to the fire until they are either consumed or fly away. There is no middle ground or reconciliation, and to think otherwise is delusional.

[robinthesearchmasterh]

How to REALLY handle an abuser:

The title of this vignette would more appropriately be, "How to stick it to an abuser". As Ishtar knows, I have had problems dealing with one of my business partners who is an abuser and set up an abusive relationship with me (as well as our other business partners). This situation came to a head over the weekend as I became completely frustrated with this individual's creatively avoiding me, delaying my requests to honour his financial commitments, and his being condescending during the process. Yes, by last weekend I had hit my personal abuse limit. However:

Current situation: "I was maintaining the peace for the sake of our business partners since rocking the boat would be disruptive."

Prior post: "Continuing to live with her for the sake of the children did not work since the divorce splattered all over them eventually anyway."

Anyone see a connection? Regardless, by giving in to abusers' demands and living with manipulations, the outcome is always the same. We lose and those around us that we try to 'protect' also lose. All we do by delaying the inevitable confrontation is delay our lives and development. If successful in 'protecting' others with our behaviour, we delay them also.

To continue, the abuser owed me a considerable amount of money and, at the same time, I was wondering where I would be getting my next meals when September arrived. Having had enough I put together a demand letter with a copy of his written promise to pay and my threat to sue if he didn't pay me by Friday. Then, I attempted to deliver it to him. That's right, he couldn't get together on Monday or Tuesday (abusers' radar know when the brown stuff is about to hit the fan). He was now in full-blown avoidance behaviour, another manipulation technique.

By late Tuesday the abuser text me, "Can't see you today. Tomorrow is better" to which I replied, "Too late" and fired off my fecal gram with copies to his wife and our attorney. Within a minute he called me to ask me to show up at the bank to collect all of my money. However, he hadn't yet read my demand. I showed up, collected my money while keeping quiet about the letter but telling him he was an A**HOLE. We can have a Come-to-Jesus meeting about the content of the letter later. Gimme my money!

Once my intent was clear, and once I took action, the Universe responded quickly. It took me three days (Rule of 3) to get this straightened out, but it took the Universe less than one minute to respond.

Those around me, including my immediate family as well as the attorney, are now in awe at what was accomplished since they are intimidated by this abuser also. It is a lesson to them to stand up for themselves and what can happen when you do so.

Conclusion: there is now a new Sheriff in town and the abuser has been sat in the corner and told to STFU or go away. Everyone can breathe easier today, and life promises to be more productive from here on out ... as long as ... I disallow the abuser from continuing his routine of intimidation which, of course, he will attempt. The price of freedom is eternal vigilance, right?

[Toninvell]

Cogs, this is great to hear!

As I'm sure you know, most abusers are bullies are bullies are cowards at heart. I reckon your abuser did sniff the change in your mood on the wind, and this caused him to fear and tremble and thus act out of character ~ i.e. pay his debts!

I'm glad to see that the Universe is still coming through with the three-day rule. I have a story of my own to tell regarding the three-day rule.

As I explain in the post, I was co-dependent on my alcoholic, violent and totally unreliable partner for four years. The last year of those four was spent in trying to get away from him, because I was addicted to him, and there was a further complication. He worked alongside me as a fellow journalist at the Sunday Express, and we had to work long hours. Often we were hanging around till late at night, waiting for our copy to be sub-edited and so we had to be on call.

There was a bar for the journalists who worked for Express Newspapers on the ground floor of the building, and so that was really the only place to go while you were waiting, because they could ring down to you there, if they needed you. And of course, once the alcohol started flowing, that was that. I was always trying to leave him, but he sat behind me in the workplace and then in the evenings, he would be along with everyone else down in the bar and after a few glasses of wine, he always managed to win me back.

Anyway, there came a day when I made a firm resolution to give him up, and to give up drinking, and never to visit that bar again. I stuck to it for three days, and on the third day (no exaggeration) Express Newspapers closed down the bar, permanently. Nobody saw this coming. They just did it without any warning because, they said, they wanted to turn into new offices for the caterers of the staff restaurant. All my colleagues were shocked and complaining bitterly but I felt kinda smug... That bar had been my nemesis, and now I felt like the universe had heard me. Even in those days, I felt like I was getting help.. and of course, now, I'm even more convinced that I did.

I was watching a video today which I thought did a very good job of explaining some of this. Not so much to do with abuse, but about how we're caught up a certain cognitive construct which deludes us from seeing what is really causing problems in our lives. The causer of the problem is just a symptom presenting because of our inability to work from within, where the problem really lies, within us.

For both of us, once each of us decided to tackle the problem at the root and face 'our demons', the problem went away. Our abusers are just there to show us that we still have a way to go in dealing with our tendencies to co-dependency, and so we could almost thank them. ...okay, then, no... that's going too far!!

Here is the video. It's called The Construct and it's by Neil Kramer.

[uniopaypamp]

It is always really wonderful to hear about self empowerment and how people overcome abusive or co-dependant relationships to master their own lives. It gives incredible sense of purpose and motivation to others reading this who are in a similar boat. However, it is worth noting that not all abusers are bullies and not all bullies are covering up their own fears. For example, many, many people (mostly women) who suffer or have survived domestic violence and abuse, the abuser cannot be stood up to so easily. There is a very real danger of violence and death. Some abusers are not in the least driven by or covering their own fears but instead, motivated by other factors such as chemical imbalance and severe psychiatric disorder. When objective reality has been severed from subjective experience by severe trauma or torture for example, the jouissance of the objective within the abuser becomes an often unpredictable, yet absolute threat. There is no reasoning, no way to avoid and no possible threat that can bring this kind of abuser to heel so easily.

The reason I mention this here is that for anyone reading this who is in an abusive situation themselves, it is essential to be able to distinguish the difference between a bully who is essentially a co-dependant, fearful person, yet who shares the consensual understanding of cause and effect (ie what you threaten to do will cause them pain or discomfort which they can objectify (A) and will, therefore, seek to avoid) and an abuser who is fundamentally disconnected from consensual, objective reality (ie what you threaten is irrelevant because any pain, either yours or theirs, can only be objectified via their own jouissance). The latter cannot be threatened, reasoned with or ignored and it is vital that external assistance and protection is sought (Police, Legal, Medical avenues).

Unfortunately most people who are being abused are not able to make such distinctions so easily so it is impossible to give any hard and fast indicators as to what is safe and what isn't but essentially, what works for one person cannot be applied to all cases so when dealing with clients, although building self esteem and confidence are vitally important, we must take great care not to assume that their fears and concerns are merely down to lack of confidence. Sometimes their fears are VERY well grounded and special precautions are needed.

[KlaraNovikoffaZ]

Thank you.

I had to look up 'jouissance'.

From Wikipedia

The term jouissance, in French, denotes "pleasure" or "enjoyment." The term has a sexual connotation (i.e., orgasm) lacking in the English word "enjoyment" How typical of the English to take the sexual pleasure out of a word, and for the French to include it!

[Zhgpavye]

Sorry, didn't mean to divert the topic.

Ah yes, Jouissance, a difficult term to understand in English, hence there is no word for it and we have to borrow from the French. Perhaps it may be better to describe it as 'enforced desire', so when relating to disruptive behaviour it can materialise in a compulsion to control by the use of pain or whatever else the abuser has learned.

Kant wrote at length about the 'Pleasure Principle' in relation to sex and death (sorry, getting off track here) and Lacan turned the whole sex/desire thing on it's head. So it's not merely a word that relates to sexual desire. There are quite a few good articles out there debating and relating to Lacan and his use of the Pleasure Principle vs Jouissance, can be a bit dry reading but very informative and worthwhile for those in therapies which compliment or involve psychoanalysis and counselling.

http://www.lacan.com/forced.htm

[xanaxonlinexanax]

No, I don't think it's off topic... well, not that much anyway.

We need to understand abuse, because it's so prevalent in our society and it causes so much suffering.

If I understand you rightly, you're using the term 'jouissance' because it's about sex and pain being interconnected? So are we, I wonder, talking sadism and masochism, with the addict/abuser being the sadist and the co-dependent being the masochist?

[Markdogas]

Thanks so much for sharing Cogs. Interesting how these sorts of life influences send us all down a similar path of spiritual seeking

[Jannet.K]

How to REALLY handle an abuser:

The title of this vignette would more appropriately be, "How to stick it to an abuser". As Ishtar knows, I have had problems dealing with one of my business partners who is an abuser and set up an abusive relationship with me (as well as our other business partners). This situation came to a head over the weekend as I became completely frustrated with this individual's creatively avoiding me, delaying my requests to honour his financial commitments, and his being condescending during the process. Yes, by last weekend {I had hit my personal abuse limit.}

{Once my intent was clear, and once I took action, the Universe responded quickly. It took me three days (Rule of 3) to get this straightened out, but it took the Universe less than one minute to respond.}

Those around me, including my immediate family as well as the attorney, are now in awe at what was accomplished since they are intimidated by this abuser also. It is a lesson to them to stand up for themselves and what can happen when you do so.

Conclusion: there is now a new Sheriff in town and the abuser has been sat in the corner and told to STFU or go away. Everyone can breathe easier today, and life promises to be more productive from here on out ... as long as ... I disallow the abuser from continuing his routine of intimidation which, of course, he will attempt. The price of freedom is eternal vigilance, right?

Thank so much for sharing Cogs. I believe the first bit "I had hit my personal abuse limit" is the beginning. People do something after this happens. Before that they simply are not ready. At this point something 'clicks into place'. Then 'clear intent' and taking action bit is whats required to get the Universe on side and we all know the speed with which change can happen after that.

This has all been a good reminder for me. I had bullying relationships at 3 places of employment when dealing with this issue.

[Styparty]

It is always really wonderful to hear about self empowerment and how people overcome abusive or co-dependant relationships to master their own lives. It gives incredible sense of purpose and motivation to others reading this who are in a similar boat. However, it is worth noting that not all abusers are bullies and not all bullies are covering up their own fears. For example, many, many people (mostly women) who suffer or have survived domestic violence and abuse, the abuser cannot be stood up to so easily. There is a very real danger of violence and death. Some abusers are not in the least driven by or covering their own fears but instead, motivated by other factors such as chemical imbalance and severe psychiatric disorder. When objective reality has been severed from subjective experience by severe trauma or torture for example, the jouissance of the objective within the abuser becomes an often unpredictable, yet absolute threat. There is no reasoning, no way to avoid and no possible threat that can bring this kind of abuser to heel so easily.

The reason I mention this here is that for anyone reading this who is in an abusive situation themselves, it is essential to be able to distinguish the difference between a bully who is essentially a co-dependant, fearful person, yet who shares the consensual understanding of cause and effect (ie what you threaten to do will cause them pain or discomfort which they can objectify (A) and will, therefore, seek to avoid) and an abuser who is fundamentally disconnected from consensual, objective reality (ie what you threaten is irrelevant because any pain, either yours or theirs, can only be objectified via their own jouissance). The latter cannot be threatened, reasoned with or ignored and it is vital that external assistance and protection is sought (Police, Legal, Medical avenues).

Unfortunately most people who are being abused are not able to make such distinctions so easily so it is impossible to give any hard and fast indicators as to what is safe and what isn't but essentially, what works for one person cannot be applied to all cases so when dealing with clients, although building self esteem and confidence are vitally important, we must take great care not to assume that their fears and concerns are merely down to lack of confidence. Sometimes their fears are VERY well grounded and special precautions are needed.

Hi Millie. I think it is still the same in the end - reaching your limit. My first husband tried to kill me. I found a cottage in the country where he wouldnt find me - a safe place. My mother told him where I was so I ended up going back - not because I was afraid or loved him - because I felt sorry for him and the hopelessness I heard in his voice. After another 6 years (9 in total) and 3 more pregnancies I reached my limit. He picked up my one year old son and heaved him against the wall (for crying). That did it. I knew I could not keep my children safe any more. Previously I thought I could keep his anger from them. ( A childhood pattern of taking abuse for the rest of my family) He always said he would kill me if he left. At that point I decided I could not live like that the rest of my life so if he decided to kill me so be it. I told people for the first time in my life after getting off the plane from Australia when we returned home to New Zealand. I told his family then mine. It took another 6 months when he changed his behaviour briefly in order to convince me to stay but then the violence happened again and this time he did not try to stop me. He just knew no words or anything else would change my mind.


I told him later I slept with a gun under my bed (not loaded) because I thought he would get drunk and come to kill me. he said "I thought about it but I decided if you didnt want me it wasnt worth going to prison and it wouldnt get you back."
He said he would rather die than stop drinking and a month after our divorce he had a stroke after a drinking binge. He lay in hospital unable to move or speak. I thought that was an opportunity for him to change but he was out of bed and hospital in a week and though he still has a speech impediment he is functional. He continued to drink heavily and now I see him since he is often at my sons. I feel sad for him. His mental processes are that of one who halted cognitive development in his young life.

I realised later that he could have killed me so even when he seemed out of control there were controls of a sort that set limits for him. He is 6'4" and a huge man. I am just 5'4". Much learning came out of all this once I had moved into a state of more awareness. It seems to me that is the key to self empowerment. To learn to love yourself and know your power to rise.