[diundasmink]

Last year we travelled to India.
As soon as we arrived in Bodh Gaya, everything spiralled into an enactment of my fears.

Two years ago - I developed irrational jealousy. Trust me, it hasn't been easy to admit it. I began to imagine damaging scenes, and imagined my partner wanted to be with everyone BUT me - there was actually no real reason for it. Nothing concrete.
Of course, I realised it was a lack of trust - coming from my childhood - and yes, from my father, but I couldn't find the strength to combat my mind's pushing and pushing.

When we arrived in Bodh Gaya, a girl appeared. Pretty, smiling, full of love and she was kind. My partner immediately spoke with her, and told me that she was joining us to our accomodation. That she was alone, that she didn't know where to go, that she needed help.
All of these things passed me by - all I could see is that he was doing it again. Finding a damsel in distress.

I could feel my anger growing, and my coldness.

She disappeared amoungst all the rickshaw drivers - its a hectic and crowded place...

The next day, just as we had completed our first walk around the large stupa, she appeared, smiling, pretty, and talking....

I was absolutely horrified and I felt my anger and jealousy consuming me... I had many excuses in my head - that we must be peaceful as we were in a holy place, that we were not to talk - anything but face the fact that I was jealous....

It was then, i had to fully and finally admit my 'problem' to myself.

It was destroyin me, us and my memories.

I decided, with a little more thought, to beat it. That I would get to the bottom of it.

Honestly, its the one thing, that I can see, that is standing between me and sanity. Its a daily practice. Its goes in phases. Sometimes its fine, other times I struggle.

But, here and now, I pledge to cleanse my mind of this negativity.

Comments welcome.

[sFs4aOok]

Hi Patheya.

Something comes to mind. Let me make a quote.

Patience
Discipline
Love
Acceptance

Open Heart
Open Mind

But it sounds like you are working on that.

I think it comon to have troubled thoughts in a relationship.
I do find it odd that your partner would invite a homeless girl to you place without consulting you. I could only imagine the storm that would of brewed if I did that to my exwife.

Has he ever said the reason?

What ever, I'm glad you are trying to beat it. Having something as powerful as that dwelling in you mind can really get out of hand.
I wish I could wave a wand or something, but all I can do really is pray for you, which is much more powerful than a wand.
You sound like a strong person and I know you'll put it behind you.

If you haven't, I do think you should discuss with your partner, get to the reason why your partner did that.

[diundasmink]

Hi Patheya.
If you haven't, I do think you should discuss with your partner, get to the reason why your partner did that.

Hi Dann, thanks for writing.

I've been wanting to write this for some time - and in this forum, it seems to be the place.

I've been dealing with the 'ugly monster' for a couple of years - but its only recently that I admited that its my doing, and I realised how much discipline I need to conquor it.

The fact is, my partner is very generous. He's a true communist in spirit and I love him for it. In theory, its great!! Just, sometimes, the effects of his generous and kindness make me feel insiignificant. (He is nice to everyone, he is kind to everyone, he is open minded to everyone - sometimes my ego demands that I am treated special - he says, what more can he do - he lives with me and shares his life with me - and I see that I am demanding.)

However, this is, and I recognise it, my perception. He is how he is - and I know it - he knows it - and I appreciate him - as he is - I just need to let go of my insecurities. Even if we help a strange girl - it could have been a strange man - and he is indiscriminate with everyone and all Just girls seem to get to us first

I'm actually feeling better every day - I'm getting over a bit of a depression and this last week seems to be just full of wonderful surprises - doors opening - AND - it all started when I understood the word ' discipline' - as applied to me...

discipline with my training, with my thoughts, with my wants, with my life - its great - and I feel this steel within my soul that wasn't there before.

Thanks Dann. I appreciate your reply

[diundasmink]

I guess - also - for clarity's sake - and the possibility to help other people going through the same things - I'd like to say -

Before you meet someone - you may not be ready for the 'full relationship'- These days, people meet casually, they might have great expectations, they might not really be thinking about the future.

So the patterns that were created in my relationship were a combination of my 'readiness' to be in a real adult relationship - ready for commitment and 100% partnership - but, my partner, (and he's younger) wasn't. He was still displaying teenager qualities in many aspects of our relationship.

At first I accepted it - but after some time - I realised that I wanted more - and I was willing to let the relationship go rather than be unhappy.

This is when I started the problems. My partner was willing to try - but I remembered and reminded him of all the times I was disappointed in him.

Honestly, the past year, in facts, have been great. The problem now, is that I havent let go of my unhappiness of the first year....

This is where I am at - at honestly forgiving the past, at honestly accepting change, and be willing to see the 'new' him.

Its getting easier every day - and understanding MY part in this has helped A LOT in identifying what I need to do to release.

I love Louise Hay help books and think that the world can be made easier for all of us by

1) Love
2) Forgiveness
3) Gratitude
4) Willingness to change.

with these four things, we can be the people we dream of being.

love and hugs to all - and thanks for any strength you wish to send my way.

[investmentonlinev2006x]

I'm glad that you are working through this. It's common in alot of people if not everyone. The past remains in the past for a reason. You can't do it differently and even if you made a mistake your only going to become a better person by chosing the better path in front of you in this time of NOW.

There are times when we need to search our past to understand why we may feel the way we do NOW. This is only so we can forgive ourselves or others for that situation and move back into the present. Living in the old means nothing new will come. I hope this helps like I said it is a struggle for many and not just this particular subject. My prayers are with you.

Love and blessings

[diundasmink]

Thank you so much. It does help.

Its even been beneficial to write about it - and be openly honest.

Friends are embarrassed - family are too close to be impatial.

You're helping me to feel this was the right decision. Thanks.