[Muesrasrs]

i wondered whether to put this in the law of one section, but it is a problem that relates to real life, and may have a solution outside the loo, so i thought perhaps here.

i know a guy, they say you can choose your friends but you can't choose your family. now, if i start from the beginning i see this guy as incredibly selfish. he is an adult. he has had a stroke that paralyses one side of his body. (wait till i finish).

before he had his stroke, he used to be someone who was very self centered. he used to smoke constantly, didn't treat his wife too well but was never violent (a certain libran passivity), generally expected to be waited on. avoided all forms of exercise. learned to drive a taxi, and would have a couple of smokes in order to get down there. (home to taxi). watches tv a lot, the tv is not aloud to be switched on in his house, before or after his stroke.

a typical everyday example. once my aunt was sick, upstairs throwing up, unable to move from a bowl. my grandmother notices him going upstairs to see her and asks him what he is doing. he says he wants to ask her to make some food. my grandmother insists that he can't do that and he looks at her, and he says 'but i'm hungry!' almost like anothers feelings don't even factor in for him. like a sociopath.

he has a wife and a son. before he had his stroke, the last thing he said to my grandmother was that if he had one dream, he would sit all day and watch the tv and have a machine that fed him whisky and chocolate every so often and his wife and son would be with him.

after he had his stroke. despite probably being able to talk if he had made the effort. refused to make any effort, because, i think; he liked his situation.

now, fast forward to present day. he is not overly bad but is very rude. to me in particular. the tiny pieces of power that he has, his desire for diet coke, and his tv, the only watchable one in the house. will not be shared if he thinks he can get away with it, (his incredibly devoted wife puts him in line sometimes, my aunt by blood.) he will argue and otherwise try and bully a twelve year old boy away from his diet coke (luckily the kid was streetsmart).

now, the problem is, i don't want to be near him. that is fine. but as i have withdrawn from him, it affects the family. i won't see my cousin so much of which we have a very positive relationship. the thing that has started this though, is that i don't want to go up there at christmas, a strong traditionally family time for me, and a determined sto polarising- willpower opportunity. infact, i had decided to point blank refuse but am thinking it may not be wise (or is that 'loving', with the wisdom being too withdraw) in the balance of love and light.

his constant energetic dampening, which is not too bad but focused on me enough to be irritating, makes my skin crawl.

there are small windows of good in him, a small effort sometimes to be nice, and he has a powerful expression (which is, on the energy level, according to astrology. exactly the same connections to the throat as mine. a reflection thing?) that can make others feel good, however, it is, like i have said, rarely used.

i hope anyone who has something practical to say about this, will respond and speak up.

thankyou in advance.

[radicalvolume]

granted, it isn't easy to love the unlovable or accept what is unacceptable, but that is what we are here to do. and that doesn't mean that we let anyone walk all over us. unconditional love is about remembering that he is a product of his programming. and in his case he must have received some blows in his life that hurt ... because this i know ... no one ever hurts another human being unless they are hurting. a good example of this is the "bully" ... who is usually being bullied at home.

we are all innocent. his behavior is not what you like if you look a little deeper. he is calling for love in a big way ... and the way of the wizard is to let him have some. if he is not going to be loving, that leaves you. and again, this is not easy ... but it is freeing when we love unconditionally. this is what 4th density is all about.

we all do the best we can given what we know. and we can only do better when we know better ... and we are not going to know until we do. this lets us off the hook that we can hang ourselves on when we are doing the exact thing we don't like in them.

there is only love or the seeming absence of it. it is the invisible essence of all things, and our power lies in being able to love even the "unlovable."

[freevideoandoicsI]

thank you so much firewalker, for posting this. my only contribution to your asking for suggestions is my own experience that is similar to yours, and my own appeal for advice as to how this can be reconciled with the desire to practice sto.

your description of your relative is familiar, and the response from muse is also familiar. we know the mechanics of the solution. but it's just not that easy when it comes to facing the situation and dealing with it.

i have had a simple solution to dealing with negative people and negative situations. run away. guess what, it doesn't work. it may be a relief in the short term, but ultimately the situation needs to be faced.

i don't waaanaaa gooo baaack!!! i have to leave here soon. and go back and face the music.

ok, so i'm a coward, and immature, and anything else you may want to throw at me, i'll agree with it all, i'm not proud.

i've cut myself off from literally everyone except one or two people who probably consign my s*** as they say in 12 step. they tell me what i want to hear, so i will tolerate their presence.

something wrong here somewhere. i don't want to get hurt, so i avoid. i don't want to say things i might regret, so i avoid. i don't want the responsibility of material things, so i sell my house and become a vagabond. i don't want the discomfort of working for too long because it gets boring, so i have short term jobs, not a recipe for success by any means.

my father just died and my mother wants me to come and help look after her. i had promised myself and her i would do that. but that means putting myself in a position that in my mountain from a molehill mentality says is worse than death. i must face my sister. her and my mother combined make hell seem the better option.

i have successfully avoided this for awhile time now. even when i stayed with my parents last year, whenever my sister came over, i would hide in my room. eventually i couldn't stand it anymore and ran away to the other side of the world, and here i am.

firewalker, your relative is a piece of cake compared to this poor benighted woman. i won't go into details because that will just feed it, but imagine the worst. my mother is extremely negative also, and living with her will not be pleasant to say the least. but my conscience won't allow me to avoid this one.

so yes, advice will definitely be appreciated. but no spiritual platitudes please, i'm sure we've heard it all and know it all - i read the acim many times over to drum those principles into this stubborn mind. and just about every other piece of spiritual literature you can think of. and had loads of teachers.

this is about doing it. just do it. how do you practice sto with someone who makes you want to throw up? and you've done all the self talk about how they are asking for love, and what a terrible life they've had, etc. etc.

and i'm not setting myself above her. no i'm not. i'm no better. and we are one, after all. i'm not just saying that. how do i get strong so that none of it can hurt me anymore????

i love you all. love, larissa

[snislarne]

he is lost and limited in the reality he chose. there are crucial things he hasn't realised in this life, there must be a lot of hate and bad experiences, much cynism.
imagine this person without all this cynism, a person that's realised that love is the most important thing there is, the only thing that matters when all material meaninglessness is taken away. that his good sides isn't completely dominated by his bad.
this is a person you'd like to be with. see past the flesh and accept him, knowing that he likely won't make this ascension but you will see him one day, then you can forgive him, and more importantly, he will realise that he wants to be forgiven.

[TheReallyBest]

larissa said:

how do i get strong so that none of it can hurt me anymore????
i'll try to stay away from the spititual platitudes...

you have to learn to take back your power. any power she might have to hurt you is hers only because you have given it to her. take it back, as if you were taking over the reins of a horse, or the wheel of a car. say to her (in your imagination)
"mom, i love you, but you may no longer have the power to determine how i feel. you hurt me when you do. you may not shame me into doing things and feeling things that are not honest and do not reflect who i am. i am taking my feelings back into my own hands."

it sounds silly, but it works! it does take practice -but so did hurting you...and being hurt, by her. it is no more her fault that things are what they are, than it is yours. you created your relationship together; it will take both of you to change it. and while you can't change what she says or does, you can change how you respond to her. if she throws a cutting comment, duck out of the way. lean to the left, or turn sideways. whoosh! see that? it sailed right past you!!! imagine you are teflon; nothing sticks to you! turn her arrows into nerf balls, or snowballs in hell. what you think of her (or how she makes you feel) is none of her business...not unless you want to give your power to her. in that case, you get what you get.

try it! i bet by the time you start to notice that you can actually do it, you won't need to anymore, because she will have noticed that the old way has lost it's zing: now, she's going to have to really try to hurt you...and since she never wanted that anyway, it'll clearly be way too much trouble to try.

[freevideoandoicsI]

thanks tuesday, for the words and taking the time to write. it really helps to have people give suggestions, even if the answer is known, repetition gives it more power.

[egexgfczc]

hi firewalker & larissa

some really great advice given here. if i might, i'd like to add a couple of thoughts.

when you know that you will be spending time with these individuals, take some time before hand and visualize yourself surrounded with armor. armor made out of love, compassion, understanding and most of all a buffer against any negative things that will be said. know that the power of the qualities of love, compassion and understanding are stronger than any negative energies that will come your way. you have the advantage because you understand what is going on - they don't. i don't mean this in an arrogant, prideful way, only in that you are able to see the situation from a different perspective - one of love, compassion & understanding. you can choose your responses with that in mind.

that said, you need to limit the amount of exposure/time you spend with them. that is a reality - too much negativity will wear on you eventually, and the longer you spend in their company, the more likely it is that something will happen that will cause problems.

always remember, you are in charge of your choices. sometimes we forget that when we have relationships that we really don't want to remain involved in. you get to choose how you will spend any time with these people. you get to choose when to arrive and when to leave.

having married into a family where my in-laws were major alcoholics, i can confirm how hard it is to keep a positive outlook when you are on pins and needles just waiting for one of them to lose it and start causing problems. they are both dead now, but had i known about this perspective of love when they were alive, i know i would have done much better at family gatherings.

wishing you the best

love & light
alloura

[Soypopetype]

i can totally understand your situations firewalker and larissa.

the best advice i can give you is to practice forgiveness. it's hard to love someone when you have been hurt by them or feel anger towards them. i know this from my own personal experience. negative energy is very draining, i felt my self wilting from the inside-out because i was surrounded by so much pain, anger, and fear. if you do not face it then it begins to manifest in dreams, thoughts, a sense of feeling at loss in what to do, depression.
my older brother started doing drugs, my parents tried to get him to stop but he was out of control. he became very selfish and self centered.
my family is also very close, during the holidays my relatives would all come over for dinner, and we would all reconnect as a family. but since the drug use started my parents stopped inviting my relatives over (i know that they where embarrassed), my parents stopped going to social events and they looked so sad. so their own personal relationship fell apart.
i started to hate my brother, i asked my parents to just let him go, he caused to much pain he deserved to suffer. of course they didn't. so my relationship with my parents suffered.
it took me a whole year to have the strength and understanding to deal with my inner self, of letting my self down, of letting others who loved me down. i finally felt enough compassion for my self to finally forgive me. i had suffered long enough too.
then i started to forgive my parents. and after much reflection i forgave my brother. i haven't spoken to him, but in my heart i have forgiven and now feel much love and compassion for him and his own life struggles.

a life lesson i have thank god for. time away is good to reflect and gain understanding, but once you do come to both you have to go back and use it.
and remember your higher-self doesn't put you in a situation that i feels you cant learn from.
i look at every thing as a learning experience, when good things happen i have learned to appreciate them and feel much gratitude. when confronted with negative, if it is a person i approach them with forgiveness, love and compassion. it's very hard to do, i still walk away annoyed or irritated some times, but it is a learning process and every opportunity is a chance for growth. when the person does say something positive re-enforce it, i usually say "why thank you, i appreciate that very much" and then in return i do or say something positive to them.
this is what i have learned from my own experience, i hope each one of you finds the love and light in your own situations and remember that you are not alone.

[TypeTeasiaDer]

hey peoples!

what's up? i'm gonna be pretty clean here (some would say cold).

man i feel ya, firewalker & larissa, those family members seem to have a backdoor key by right of birth it seems sometimes.

i would say to both of you: pick an option and then be at peace with it. doesn't matter which one you pick, to bless them with or without your presence, but pick one. the entire battle in going on in you so start with making peace there.

some one asked for a lack of platitudes... allow me: are you so special, that there will be no love for this person if you do not give it? no really.

i'm trying to get you really detached to outcome so that you can make a decision about what you will choose to do based on spirit and heart and not emotion (emotion being: mental "feeling" carried out of present moment), etc.

see you could decide to stay (stay with mom/ visit tv control man) and if you do it the right way... you will laugh the whole time... sometimes outside, sometimes inside. yes, you will feel love for the person and yourself. that's why you laugh. when they do or say things against your being... (because you have made this decision originally from a place of consideration for both you and them)... they sound ludicrous!

what if it gets to be too much? leave. no really. you have to have the option that you are willing and commited to leave if necessary... if not... you are trapped. and we all know how that feels.

i have had family that i chose to not deal with.. some of them were into drugs and could be violent at times (not towards me, but i'd seen them w/ other family). but that's different, you say. nooooo... it's not. physical abuse vs emotional abuse. decide how much up front your willing to take and when it tops that amout you bail. you will only allow others to abuse you as much as you are willing to abuse yourself (from the four agreements).

i mean really... you know, that husband beating up that wife? well, he needs love too... maybe it could be someone else (like an older brother or something) who won't get pommeled. really people. why is it that you are less of a person for not being the great "one" to do the job? maybe it's someone else's job, whose more qualified, whose better prepared to handle this particular situation and to be honest, you are just in the way! sometimes it takes a humble person to go: this is not my area of expertise, maybe someone else can do this better.

i certainly feel it would be hard for me to remain in unconditionally love for someone who was beating on me (or whom i feared would be beating on me)... i would hope i would give myself permission to leave especially if i could not find a way to be there in a way that allowed both of us to experience or grow in joy. in otherwords, if your presence is not helping the situation, maybe it's ok to remove yourself from it.

if you can flow with it, go with it, but if you can't... just go.

i do not know what the answer is for either of you, but i wish you much support and love and you to find the proper path for you with whatever strength and power you need to walk it.

well... i usually get things thrown at me when i start on my tough love sharings... so again, if i've offended anyone please feel free to totally ignore.

much peace and love

darlyne

[Muesrasrs]

i went up to see the family a few minutes ago and he was a real pleasure to be around. he really made an effort!

i think it's cool. the pattern has happened before in my life that when i allow myself to feel the feelings associated with it, (the anger), then it works out for the better.

also, my behaviour toward him has changed significantly because of all this. (for the better!)

or perhaps, and more likely, it isn't directly associated with me and he is the one that made the positive effort and things are better for that reason.

i think his tv, from now on, is going to be his and that is his boundary. probably not my most compassionate not to understand that.

[BWJfEkOB]

may i ask which side is paralyzed? from the stroke

[Muesrasrs]

may i ask which side is paralyzed? from the stroke already there, (healing angle right) and i'm gonna find out soon. also going to slip a purple plate in with the christmas present.

anyway, before i find out, take a guess!