[Oberjej]

yesterday was a tough day for me. it really tested my metal. as i tried to calm down, i came across a comic in my local newspaper. the strip was 'pardon my planet.' and depicted a lady sitting in a psychiatrist's office, speaking to him. the quote was 'my zen garden is driving me crazy'.

the humor resonated with me, it seems lately i have been suffering a lot and it's not just me. life has been getting rough, things have been getting tight. every day things appear to be getting worse and yet i know it's just a buildup till it finally breaks and gets better. this is happening everywhere to every one.

my attitude has suffered greatly, i find it very hard to maintain the cheery and optimistic outlook that has helped me through such difficult times. as i struggle with these situations and think on them, i can no longer place blame squarely on some one else.. every one is a mirror. this seems to double my anxiety, now i have no one to blame but myself for attracting these things.. then comes the sense of failure and inevitable self blame for all the things going wrong. it's hard to look at yourself and see the beautiful entity that is there, to capture the pure innocence of being without labeling and judging oneself with the auspices of the ego and a polarized world view. thus the comic was rather poignant.. my enlightened state is responsible for my misery.. what a bitter pill to swallow.

all in all, i know things will get better, they always do. i just need to keep my head down and work through the drudgery and make it through. hopefully i can recapture the peace and happiness i know is there but just seems just out of reach for the moment.

[Stetbrate]

i will add you into my meditations tonight and send some healing love, the deepest shade of green you can imagine. i hope it reaches you and helps lift your spirits.

i would try to look for some good healing meditations that you feel might work for you and cleane your body of negative thoughts. especially those of yourself!!! we should never waste our time with negative thoughts of ourselves! no berating! no scolding! would you drive backwards to get to work? yif you tried, im sure youd find it rather difficult and even detrimental to being on time and reaching work safely. lets apply that to our spirituality. its our car and only we decide how to drive it. backwards driving doesnt seems to helpful if you ask me, to get to the ultimate goal here. you should be alert and aware and looking ahead to reach it.

~kassandra

p.s. you are amazing. how do i know? because i am amazing, too! and theres only one of us here!!!

[ziIReIGS]

i understand and agree with your words. i have gotten into tarot cards because i was looking for some way to communicate with my spirit guides. i kept pulling the "fool" card in respect of who i used to be in the past. i did a google search of this card to learn a little more and this story came up:

a monk was out walking in ancient japan. he encounters a wild cat, and as he is fleeing, slips over a cliff, but manages to grab hold of a gnarled root at the edge of the cliff. he looks down, and sees sharp broken rocks below. he looks up and sees the wild cat, snarling at him.

as he looks around, he also sees beside him a bush with a single bright, succulent berry on it.

he looks up, then down again.

he plucks the berry, and pops it in his mouth.

how sweet it tastes! the "fool" card is said to be the beginning and the end. card 0 and card 22. so it is as if we go through all the phases of life only to arrive back where we began.

sounds rather "foolish", doesn't it? like a dog chasing it's tail.

[Oberjej]

thank you very much for your kind words of encoragement. often times we all need a little help now and again.

as most times, when i encounter situations such as this, i become very stoic and introspective. i search out the heart of the matter, or however many issues may be present at the time and try to work through them.

i became aware of the strange circumstance, where in when i become stressed out, i tend to withdraw from others. i feel a sense of panic and stress and feel i am too 'connected' i guess i'd say.. to others.. their needs, my responsibilities towards them.. i feel overwhelmed and begin to withdraw till i feel myself again, that is.. i feel my individual self.

i found it ironic that while we are slowly trying to work towards being unified and dropping all these pretenses and lies that i would still feel the need to shelter myself within my individual ego. there are times when i feel it would be such a great thing if we could just drop all that and be open and honest in such a way.. but that requires also that we be accepting and open to other people's honesty as well.. even when it may be something you might find insulting or awkward.

i had a thought as well earlier this month. the idea was that you could be so loving and full of love that you could sit there in the face of ridicule and anger, accusations and all the rest while simply being loving and accepting everything it had to offer in the way of experience.. and of it's true meaning. the translation is lost a bit here, sometimes these concepts are bigger than our words have room for. but basically the gist was that you did not have to be hurt by such things, but you could love the person or persons who were doing this.. much like jesus did on the cross.. (( looking at the clock right now.. 11:11))

bringing the two concepts together, we see that open and clear communication is possible.. when the spirit of love is truly unleashed and we are truly open to each other. something i can work on with my spouse and those whom i love and care for.

[Oberjej]

another issue i came across during this time, the issue of personal power.

in the law of one, it mentions (and in a few other places) the issue of giving your power away.. that is to say, going to a priest or church for communion, other than realizing that you are always in communion. this can be extended in other directions as well, such as letting people upset you or other such things.. you give them power over you..

this came apparent to me when i recently got hit by a bunch of overdraft fees from my bank. the way that they did it was always in their favor.. i realized that i had given them the power to harm me by letting them manage my money.. and i had the power to take it back. the idea of personal power extended into everything i had been going through and i made a few deep connections to the philosophy of it. the illuminati want us to be afraid so that we are always looking to others for help.. that way they can step in and be the 'savior'. in the end while i was dealing with this, a part of me was lamenting the fact that 'no one was there to help me'. in other words, i was looking for some one to pull me out of my funk when in fact i didn't need it.

i've always been fiercely independent, the type to not ask for help even when i needed it. at the same time i lament the fact that no one takes it upon themselves to help me without my asking it. we all give away our power to manage our lives to some one else.. fearing we are too weak or powerless to do so on our own. fearing that we lack something and that some one can fill that hole. i also realized i could take back the power to control how i feel, that i didn't need to feel like crud or anything, i could be and feel powerful over myself and my situation.

be well!