[SaraKonradtt]

is it possible to experience so much intensity of experience, that when it dies, the scar is too deep.....and there is no more left to give?

maybe i just put physical intimacy on a pedestal too much.....but for me, it's more than that. it's that feeling of complete oneness with someone. nirvana. satori.
i don't know if i can ever feel that way about anyone else.

i want to belong somewhere.
but there is such a huge difference between the dream world and the real world.

i ask the spirit world, and i ask god, for answers.

but it seems that romantic love is not the way i imagined.

i imagined once that there was someone for everyone.

the relationship with the man, who is the father of my children, for 8 years, seemed to cause us both only so much pain. he could never understand why i needed to be closer to him, and it hurt me so badly that i couldn't be. i was depressed for a very long time, especially after giving birth to our second child, and especially when it didn't work out when we tried living together. i withdrew into myself and had little motivation for anything anymore. all i wanted to do was find answers, to help bring meaning to life, to it all; to give me strength.
and though it's been an interesting journey, i still feel so unsure of everything. perhaps if i had other, like-minded people to share it with, it would be easier? who knows.

i felt so alone in many ways....so i tried to escape.

only now, now that it is too late, do i realize just how much the man i've known all that time..... really means to me. now it is too late.

this pain is so deep, like nothing i've ever experienced before.....it's sheer torture. it sounds selfish......i really feel i want to die.....but i know i can't.

i feel so alone.

where is my other half?

why has god never answered this prayer?

is this world just an illusion?

if we create our own reality, then why haven't i ever been able to find him.....i've been trying to find him since the age of 9?

perhaps i just need to become "detached"?

i'm so confused.......about so much.

am i the "weakest link"?


edited to add:

i feel ridiculous for going on about my problems all the time.

[SaraKonradtt]

sinéad o connor- thank you for hearing me

thank you for hearing me
thank you for hearing me
thank you for hearing me
thank you for hearing me

thank you for loving me
thank you for loving me
thank you for loving me
thank you for loving me

thank you for seeing me
thank you for seeing me
thank you for seeing me
thank you for seeing me

and for not leaving me
and for not leaving me
and for not leaving me
and for not leaving me

thank you for staying with me
thank you for staying with me
thank you for staying with me
thank you for staying with me

thanks for not hurting me
thanks for not hurting me
thanks for not hurting me
thanks for not hurting me

you are gentle with me
you are gentle with me
you are gentle with me
you are gentle with me

thanks for silence with me
thanks for silence with me
thanks for silence with me
thanks for silence with me

thank you for holding me
and saying "i could be"
thank you for saying "baby"
thank you for holding me

thank you for helping me
thank you for helping me
thank you for helping me
thank you, thank you for helping me

thank you for breaking my heart
thank you for tearing me apart
now i've a strong, strong heart
thank you for breaking my heart

[mpzoFeJs]

hello darlin

i feel your feelings...in my first relationship, i ached for closeness also. we had two children together, we could be happy sometimes, but mostly i ached for more. i felt that i wasn't getting in return what i was giving, he didn't love me as much as i loved him. after a 11 yr. relationship (7 yrs. of marriage), his problems cut me too deep and i realized i was sacrificing myself for love that wasn't satisfying me. sometimes we think that is the way it is supposed to be-we sacrifice our own wants and desires to have a half ass love life. i always used to ask myself in the back of my mind 'is this what my life is supposed to be, am i not supposed to have a full love life like i wish for when i was young, am i not supposed to receive the love that i put forth?' my mind rambled daily, for i was missing something in my life daily. the key was-if this is my true love, i shouldn't feel like something is missing. after being without him for a few years, i finally realized-even though i loved him with all my heart, he was not ever going to love me the way i desired to be loved. to this day, i am not sure i will find that kind of love. i try to let the love life find its own way, and try to make the best of everything else in my life.

you must stay connected to your children! not for his sake so he sees what a great mother you can be-and not for your sake so you know your a good mother-but for your children's sake-for you brought them into this world. everything you and your ex does will impact those children. your must rise above these feelings when it comes to your children. imprint your love and light to them every chance you get. we can drown in the depression or we can choose to live this life like its our last chance.

what if-what if this life will result in your next life. what if we pass from this life with sorrow weighing heavy on our soul and this causes us to have to relive more catalyst! what if we drown in the negative feelings and this is what holds us back from being strong enough to move forward into the next vibration of bliss.

you mention in your post-why doesn't god answer these questions-

god doesn't intervene. the logos can help you in strength, confidence, overcoming, rising above, ect....but only if we choose first to take those paths with our head held high. the logos will not drop it in our lap and say 'here is your wish' i sooooo know this for a fact! from as young as i can remember till about age 14-i cried to sleep every night. i had lost my older brother when i was 2. my memories faded from me and i would cry every night for god to just show him to me one time. i ached for god to show me my brother, it killed my spirit because i ached for him so. i thought i deserved to see him again. i thought-how dare god not to give me this right to see him just one more time. my teenage yrs. i stopped praying for these things, i began escaping through drugs ect ect.....i am lucky that i didnt let that dark world swallow me up and keep my soul for its own. my children is what saved my life. i became pregnant at age 19, this put an abrupt stop to my partying and escaping.

i can now look back and see that i went from one stage of my life to another without healing from the past. this caused me to need my lover more then he needed me. i was trying to fill a void with another kind of love. it took me 11 yrs. to learn it wasnt working! what was hard on me was the fact that i felt my children were now going to be a part of a broken family. but ya know what, they weren't getting the kind of love they needed either. i began telling myself, why settle for less....if i want more, and i am not going to get it here, its better to never get it then to settle for less, because i am not less and i dont want to be less then what i am.

i am not sure about this all being an illusion. the reason i say that is because what happens here matters. it matters because it determines our vibrations for the next. if it didnt matter, our vibrations wouldn't ever change. your higher self could of placed you in a life that would test your strength, test your desires, test your sense of needs. we must place strength in our children and show them that anything is possible if they are true to their selves. we must show our children that desires are not needs. we must show our children what the needs of life are and show them to be thankful for the necessities they have daily( food, shelter, spirit). take what you have received from this relationship and make the best of it. if you are making the best of everything, no matter how hard it is, you are changing your vibration. your children have been blesses-because they have a mother who is strong in spirit!!! this spirit is in them, and you are the one who will teach them how to let that spirit shine! you are the one that has the ability to show them how strong they can be. if our children see us letting things hold us back from being content-they will do the same thing with their life. we dont want our little girls to grow up being dependent on a man for happiness. we dont want our children growing up being afraid of love because of the risk of sorrow. we want them to live through experiences with a brave heart and a sure foot in knowing who they are and what they want and to not settle for less.

its funny now, when i hear a great love song now, i don't think of men anymore. i think of the logos, and how much i am loved by the true love. the love i long for is the love that created me. i long to return to this love and i am going to overcome these hardships in this life so i can return to it. i don't want a life of more lessons and catalysts! so i am going to make the best of it-this life is truly so short when we look at it from the bigger picture. the busier we stay with making the best of it, the faster time will pass and we wont have the time to dwell on the things we are wanting. what if your higher self is needing you to step up and over come this sorrow? look at your higher self as a love, and it needs you to make the best of things. you have been given the best gift of all! -children- what if their souls saw your deep spirit, and wanted to have you as a mom because they wanted to come into this life with someone that could strengthen their spirit. sometimes, as a mom, we sacrifice our own desires. but in the end, its the greatest catalyst we could be given, because it can humble someone like no other catalyst can. you are a creator, and you have created the greatest thing that we are able to create in this world. we choose to make the best of it or we choose to drown in the things we desire and dont understand. it will all effect out outcome of our vibration! you are a warrior in the spirit world. you have the strength to step up and make the best of things. i promise you, you do...i am still working on all of these things myself. the ones who are delivered into a life of many hardships are the ones with the strongest spirits. nothing is 'just because'-there are reasons for everything.

the true lesson of love is loving ourself without anyone else. you are a beautiful spirit. i know its all easier said then done, but the outcome of loving ourself without anyone else is the most beautiful thing we can accomplish here. when we love ourself, the higher spirit smiles with pride, for it is the only thing that knows what we are capable of. when we find this capability, our high self gleams with happiness. your higher self loves you more then any human being can love you. the fact that you and i don't feel like we are receiving love from another that we are wanting could be a sign to you and me both that its time to find the bigger love, the higher love, the real love, of the logos. its a sign that our time here in this world could be reaching a final stage, and its time for us to work on returning to our true love-the logos.

i am sorry my post are so long, its hard to put into words what i am trying to relay.

my love to you,
lynette

[XarokLasa]

what has happened here? why do i need his approval of me so much? why do i need him to love me so much?

you don't. you are looking for someone else to fill your cup. and if you continue to keep looking for someone else to give you satisfaction you will continue to be heart broken.

look inside of yourself and ask yourself what do you really want out of your short stay here on earth?? and go get it. you have the power. kids and all, girl, go get it.

power to amelie!!

[glasscollector]

human beings seek a way to fill the emptiness in there hearts rid the boredom from there minds and avoid the tears of pain and suffering.

is it the experience of no longer being human that we all seek to be some thing different some thing greater...? or do we seek the finish line to desire nothing to be every thing to be the observer with out judgment ?

[SaraKonradtt]

just want to let everyone know i appreciate your replies. sorry this is short. i feel in a really bad way right now. i know my ex cares about me, and i keep fooling myself there may still be hope. but he's spending more and more time with this girl. last night i kept thinking to myself that "infinite love is the only truth, everything else is illusion". this helped calm me, because it helps to see every person as one rather than separate.

but last night i couldn't sleep very well; had problems breathing because of this cold. so i went out and knocked on his door, as his house is very close by. he told me to go away, so i respected this. i am pretty certain she was with him again as i think i could see her shoes on the floor.

we talked yesterday, and hugged......and i just wanted to spend more time with him. but i've lost him. i've lost my anchor.

inside, i'm panicking.....i feel petrified.

i have considered speaking to a counselor, but i have tried this before and it didn't help much.

i know it sounds selfish, but i'm frightened that this pain will never end, and all i feel like doing right now is bringing an end to it all, despite all the time that has been given here, in places like this, to help me to look at things differently. i feel like i am a burden on everyone in my life.

i am a dreamer.
i don't feel i was made for this world.

i'm terrified.

[brilkyPlayday]

the experience you are having is one that many of us can identify with. it's one of the most difficult and intense periods to work through. it's also one that requires you to be focused. look at all the wonderful souls around you. look at the angels you brought into this world-look at your children and know that they depend on you and that you can learn from them.
look at yourself and know that you are truly a special being that has chosen this experience. look at yourself in the mirror and see yourself and your uniqueness. you are complete. you are one. nothing is missing. smile!

[XarokLasa]

i have been through this situation too. leaving the person you think to be your soul mate. maybe you were meant to be together. and maybe you have taught each other all there is to teach each other. and it is time to venture forth to learn and grow and experience more.

i know how scared you are but i can't help but tell you this freedom is for the good. it is scary to think that you are completley responsible for yourself, at first. but when you get the hang of it it is the best thing in the world.

you are free now! freeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!

freedom!

it is time now for you to follow your dreams. that, i think, is what the great spirit is trying to tell you.

it doesn't feel like it but you are a lucky woman.

[DoctorAlexandro]

been there.
will spare everyone the personal details.
at the time it was the worst thing that had ever happened to me.
but, because of hanging on, prayer and going through it, i eventually met someone totally different.
it didn't happen right a way.
it may not have worked if i had met my present wife first because i / we would not have been as mature.
somewhere in the literature it talkes about how we plan the big events in our life before we incarnate.
be patient and just do the best you can, one day at a time.

[DariushPetresku]

modern humans have confused love with attachment. love comes from the divine. attachment from desire or fear. this can be seen in the battered woman syndrome effectively. when you can purge your attachment and retain your loving heart, then you can be free. every thing in this 3rd density is transient. including attachment. the power to know this and put it into effect is within you. you must want it though. and losing attachment for living things is one of the hardest things to achieve.

many blessings
peace

[SaraKonradtt]

i would just like to let everyone know i am feeling a little bit better now. i still have a long way to go, but the tears and anxiety/ panic attacks have now stopped. i have a friend who has been staying with me since may 27th. it does make me wonder if she was destined to come at this time, a most difficult period in my life.

i have begun to accept that i need to accept the final stage of letting this man go, who i have known for such a long time. we weren't really suited to each other.....but we have shared so much time, so many memories, as well as two children. i had hoped that perhaps there was still a chance for us to work through our differences, but now i must accept that it is time to move on, and have faith that i can eventually find love again, a more suitable love (i hope!), when the time is right.

i was listening to my karmic astrology report again today. i do wonder how much the planets have a part to play in this. it sounds like a difficult chart in several ways. and there is not much to help manifest a steady relationship as far as my 7th house goes. having moon conjunct pluto in libra and venus in cancer, i do feel this longing rather acutely. but if i must learn to live without it, then i guess that's what i'll need to do. maybe i'll be able to conquer these these planetary inconveniences some day and bring a deep, fulfilling relationship into manifestation.

maybe i've just been to afraid to move on....

so afraid that everything is just random and unpredictable....even though i truly feel, at times of deep insight, that everything happens for a reason, and according to a plan, of some sort.

i am a little worried about being able to cope after my friend leaves my house next week, on the 28th.

but i have already felt that my confidence has grown since she has been here.
i feel no longer to cling to the computer in the way i did before, instead of getting out of the house.
i now know that if i feel depressed, i can get out and go for a walk, rather than staying indoors, feeling unable to move/ motivate myself, and end up feeling worse due to the effects of this on my health.

i really do need to find myself plenty of friends nearby, where i live.

let's hope that destiny will bring me towards these people, now i am willing and confident enough to do whatever i can to find them.


i do feel as though i was dying during those days after it all came to a head, at the beginning of last week. there has been nothing i can remember, in my life, that i have gone through, that has ever been so painful, including giving birth, and the problems i experienced as a teenager.

perhaps a part of me has died, giving way for something new.

i realize that whatever i need to do, whatever discipline required to overcome my problems, will be worth it in the end. it is far better that i do acquire the discipline needed to overcome my problems than to ever experience that pain that i have been going through. i felt i was terribly close to losing my mind.

perhaps going through this will help me to empathize with others, to an even greater degree than before.


let us all be there for one another.

let us image and ordain strength to one another.

[Pinkman]

i send you love and light and blessings. i am in a difficult relationship right now and iam very afraid to be alone . i wont go into details but please please see this as a blesing. im not sure if i want to be in this relationship and feel sort of trapped but you are free now like some one else mentioned. you are lucky. the hardest past is over

[goldeneggs]

hello amélie

i'm glad to hear you feel better...i've been there, no details here as i've already told them in other threads...just want to add that imo the planets are not "causing" anything in you chart, they are a syncronistic reflection of the time and circumstances you choose to incarnate into, with the karma and the "stamp" of the conditions surrounding you at birth. the solution is in the "difficult aspects", not elsewhere, but of course the smooth aspects can help....

liliane the transit

[AndyColemants]

i have no advice to give - everyone has given beautiful words and the truth. all those will not change anything, they may bring temporary relief, and certainly the wonderful feeling of not being alone, and being in a support network of like minded souls. but the experience will continue until it stops. simple. it will take whatever it will take.

i have had this gut wrenching experience not once but many times, and the last three times were almost identical in content and behavior, banging my head against the wall and believing that next time it will be different. ha!!

and the whole time i have been telling myself all the things you guys have come up with. isn't it obvious that i won't find satisfaction on the outside. isn't it obvious that i give myself away so that i feel like i exist. isn't it obvious that i will never get back that which i put out, and will never get what i want from the other. isn't it obvious?

nope. those are just words. and concepts. and truths which will never stick until they do. and all i can do is keep going and do the best that i can. what else is there? does it help to know that others are suffering as much as i? not really. they are them, and i am me. and as long as i'm in pain i know i'm in separation.

so i have no advice, and no words of comfort. except that i survived it, and it sounds like a few others around here have as well. does that help? i doubt it.

one of my favorite sayings from 12 step is "nothing changes if nothing changes." very profound.

[NaMbessemab]

i would like to get your birth time and whatnot if you would send it to me ameliejolie.

i'd like to run it through another type of astrology to get your hdc [yep, can't say it on the forum.]

see what edgar cayce has to say on the whole thing.

[SaraKonradtt]

i feel so sure that letting him go finally has been the right thing to do.

there is no longer any doubt that he was never my true soul mate/ twin flame.

i feel so ready, when god be willing/ the time be right....to meet my true other half.

perhaps it won't happen in this incarnation....who knows....we'll just have to see.

i have heard that twin souls will always feel a profound longing for each other, deep within, no matter where they may be.

i feel this ache acutely, but whatever will happens.....will happen.


sex only confuses things.


i need something more........something much, much more.