[Effopsytupt]

hello, first time posting here. not used to composing posts or anything cohearant so here goes.

i suppose i consider myself an 'indigo' or 'wander' or whatever title you would prefer. early in my childhood, from grades 1-4 i was really a whiz with whatever i did in school, great marks, even in gym (at the time). there came a point, once i shuffled into grade 5-6 that it really became apparent to me, that i was repeating the same schooling over, and over agian. at first i assumed my discontent with the material was normal for 'a kid my age'. my dad always told me stories of how he had alot of fun in elementary and highschool, and i figured maybe i wasn't making enough friends, or something. my frustration slowly built up through grade 6, untill the second semester i became completely...well..p***** that i had to go to school every day, and why people had to constantly make me feel 'separate from the group' or wrong in every way. it was reflected in my marks that year as it was the first time they made a plummet from a-b to f (technicly the grade was r for remedial here in ontario) in a few subjects. my teacher was nice enough to talk to my parents and pass me that year. grade 7 was alot differnt. it was a differnt wing of the school building and the teachers were more say, highschool level. i got along with the teachers well that year. my grades hit a plateau around b-c+ level (mainly because at this point i made it clear to my teachers that, i did not do homework, regardless of what they gave me.) i squabbled angrily to finish up my work in class so i could chat with the rest of the class. i made a few friends that year. alot was changing at home, my parents had divorced when i was in grade 3 (10 years old) it was rough sailing for a few months but they are better friends when their apart. back to grade 7, a few cool things happened, one, (something i never imagined) i got a free trip (class exchange trip) to british columbia. that week there were a few events around, going to the forests, seeing some of the places where the logging companies do their work. (what a terrible sight. my stomach fell out of my body that day.) but really it was seeing how differnt people were there. the large majority of people were native, so we were also immerced in their culture, and for that week learned alot about differnt ways of thinking. looking at the world from a spiritual perspective. after that trip alot changed. i started to have terrible stomach problems (doctors diagnosed irritable bowel syndrome, and an ulcer.), school was pushing me to the limits of what i could handle and still be able to relax at home. staying home from school became more frequent, and i started to go on the computer alot more.
grade 8 seemed like a writeoff. i was sure i was going to fail, and be stuck in that grade forever, i had missed about 3 months of the school year. i maintained my communications with my teacher, and was able to walk away with a diploma and the general academic award (to my, big big suprise o.o)

that summer i had a really good time. i felt free, and i was exited about high school. exited about doing something real with my brain. i was always interested in science and new technology, how things worked. that summer i wanted to cram my brain with everything i could. once i made it into grade 9 everything came back but worse, started not being able to eat, or drink at school without having problems on the toilet within minutes. sometimes my teacher would think i was skipping class because i was in the bathroom so much, getting high or something. my grades reflected one thing that year, how well i got along with the teacher. suffice to say they were very poor, i failed 3 out of 8 subjects (at least i passed french woohoo) and it became very clear to me, that i was not going to pass high school. not because i was in any way, stupid. going into grade 9 was like going back to grade 6. it was beginner crap. i was doing cutting and pasting and wordsearches in science. i was competely turned off to everything i saw at school after about six months. the second semester was slightly better. i skipped my classes after lunch to go to another, advanced computer networking class in the basement. most of the guys in there were 17 or older, and defenetly smelled like 'dude'.. it was the most interesting class i took (or didnt take, whatever). i got a girlfriend that year too, that made it alot worse. i learned all about co-dependance that year. eventually saying no meant i could say yes without fear agian. grade 10 was a flop. my stomach problems were at their peak then. when i would wake up in the morning and thhink how i would have to go to school in 30 minutes, it felt worse than breaking up my girlfriend. eventually after a few failed tries at keeping up with my classes i just dropped out. im 19 now, and still feeling like im in the same rut. i don't have my diploma so i can't really find a job.


all that crap aside. after i dropped out things started to go really well, mentally. i was sane and happy agian. this is when i started to learn all about that, how do you say. 911>neocon>cfr>builderberg>illumanati>new world order stuff, as well as a hefty bit of reiki (the reiki experiance turned me on for the spiritual stuff to come) while i was searching for a soloution to my stomach problem. eventually i found my way into the material that im sure many of you here are familiar with. what david is saying, what many of the project camelot testemonies are saying, law of one, law of attraction, dreamscapes, dreamstates, meditation, and all that other metaphyisical mumbo jumbo (its all the same, or one if you will, with differnt names and pictures, or at least thats how i feel)

so im not the negative, inside the box, brooding teenager anymore. i am currently working (because i cant say ive worked it all out) some of my self-acceptance issues. learning to love myself as the one infinite creator that i am and we are, but i still cant help but feel like i have hit a celing. a place where i am unsure about the next step. i feel like maybe there isn't a step to be taken, what comes next? perhaps im just ahead of the many people waking up right now, more of us need to align for a higher path to reveal itself? who knows. i figured i would post this, casting my line out to see what comes back. i know im not alone in how i feel anymore, there are many out there who are finding themselves. do you feel the same way?


k i am done ...


- jason

[tomsmuidh]

i somewhat feel the same.

when you feel as if you cannot go further it can be a little discouraging.
i like to think of it as a test. when i get "blockages" i like to meditate or just think about it for a while. i think of things like, "why do i still do this or that? should i continue going?"
to me it's a feeling of a path that i chose to follow/create.
a path that has the answers to my questions.
a path to recover the feelings that i feel are missing.
a path to understanding myself and the other-selfs that walk beside me.

there's always going to be a point at which to feel you cannot progress any further, but that point can end up being a monumental experience in your life.

[hasasnn2345tv]

hey jason

sounds like the stomach complaints etc was just your body rejecting the crap that was being forced down your throat by the archaic education system that we find ourselves having to endure. unfortunately our education system is still designed for the industrial revolution. industry has moved on but eduaction has not. irritable bowel - well it was just giving you the s#$^s.

in seeking healing you have found yourself, albeit partially. you are on the right path. you ask what comes next? look deep inside for the most common question you ask of yourself. this is your primary question. it may not be serving you. mine was, "what is the matter with me?" i used to wake up every morning with the angels (an australian band) playing "i don't wanna face the day" playing in my head. this was ground hog day (don't know if you have seen the movie). i have since moved on.

you need to find your why and to ask a better primary question. oh....and to ask better questions of yourself. my new primary question is "how can i serve humanity better today?" my why is ...i want to make the world a better place. i am passionate about what we eat (and educating people about the crap that the food industry feeds the ignorant masses). i am passionate about farming practices and how they destroy the ecology of the soil.

i read shift of the ages 4 years ago and am only just coming to terms with a finite timeline that i see in front of me. what can i do to serve humanity better? i can be a good role model for my children and those around me by living a clean and healthy lifestyle, eating well and exercising regularly. i am lucky enough to have found a school for my two boys 10 and 13 that is all about social change and not accepting the norms of today's society. they teach by way of a philosophy called social constuctivism. reggio amelia in italy is a very good example of this philosophy in practice.

jason, you are on the right path and you are not alone. breathe with your hand on your heart for 5 minutes and an answer will come about what to do next. their is no ceiling trust me. there is always another level.

love, peace cd

[DrKirkNoliss]

i can relate to you, jason. i slept through most of my classes and still managed to graduate with a c average. and i decided not to go to college because i knew i would be in debt, hate it and probably drop out. i spent many years traveling (i lived in 7 different cities in 10 years) and searching for who i am and just what i could possibly do in this world. and mostly what i figured out was all the things that i don't like and what i do not want to do. but i kept coming back to one thing that was always with me, from a little kid up to the present. but i didn't trust myself and i listened too much to other peoples doubts and i just put it on the shelf. now, many years later, i am starting to go after what i always wanted to do but didn't have the faith in myself to do before. that thing, for me, is music. and it is beginning to work out for me now. but most importantly, for the first time in my life, i am happy. i am excited and i am moving towards something that i like and a bright future.

i guess the bottom line of my story is that i always kind of knew what i wanted to do but i brushed it aside with all kinds of self defeating excuses until i was ready. so maybe you already know too. deep down in there, if you examine hard enough, you will see what it is.

let me ask you this: if you could do anything you wanted to do right now, regardless of any limitations/excuses you might have as to why you can't do it, what would you do? even if it is just travel or to experience places or things. that is a big part of all i wanted to do as a kid. just go places and do things. if that is all you want to do for now then go do it! save up some money and go. you will find that one thing leads to the next and by traveling and experiencing you figure out more and more what it is that you can do to make your living.

keep your head up, my friend. don't give up.

foo

[Effopsytupt]

thanks for your replies. now-a-days i find myself talking to people about all the things ive learned about. i find what level people are at and fill them with all the info they didn't really want in the first place. weather it be chatting with people on the corner about why our economy sucks, conversing with the sunday church groups that wander around trying to convert people, whatever comes my way. ive been busy 'waking up' my family. my mother and sister usually get an earful of my rantings daily. my grandparents are beginning to turn around to some of the truths (and untruths) about our society. i know one of my purposes is to bring my family together, as my mother said, were all spritual beings, we just don't know it yet. i get through to people easier now too, weaving my usual blunt humor into whatever im speaking about. i suppose most of my 'hitting a celing' feelings are probably me trying to get ahead of myself. i learned more in 6 months on the computer than i did in school. some of my friends say ive had a 'personality change', personally i just think im not afraid to be myself anymore.

not sure what else to add..

- jason