[KasaBalak]

are we truly ready to bring everything to the surface? and i mean everything !

your deepest and darkest resentments must all be brought to the surface. like my father and my heroes of the past, edgar cayce included, they didn't do it. and it is time now.

it has to be done. or, as a human race we will not continue.

[KasaBalak]

we must, we must, we must allow each other to be free.

and additional to that, we must love each other for it. our wives, our brothers, fathers, and heroes.

it is time to care and love each other.

[KasaBalak]

we need to love each other, no matter, what damn it!

we cannot unite if it is not released !!!

[rJohutozsfds]

this thing is strangeling you, foo, let it go. release it for a moment; an hour; a day; a week; for however long, you can always come back to it later. clear your head. take a walk. breathe. just be. here. now.

[addyta.org]

so intense, foosnik. but i'm with you. this seems to be a forum for lost fathers. well, my father disappeared when i was two days old. nobody to this day knows what happened, though there are a lot of stories. he was a high profile guy, famous in his own country. the last people he was seen with was the cia. i've been through every emotion you can think of over this issue, and i'm not done. after my contract is up in korea, i will go back to our country and do some more stuff, not research anymore, because it doesn't matter what happened, but to sort of carry on his work, which was fighting for freedom. he became a legend and people act like i'm something special, just because i'm his direct descendant. his freedom fighting was physical, mine is spiritual. the people who are his admirers are pretty amazing, and it will be interesting to see what happens.

anyway, i finally let go of the anger, at least i hope so, we'll see. no more feeling abandoned, by death or whatever else could have happened. what's the point? there is no quick or easy solution, it is a process - "a time and season...." it unfolds, hanging on brings on the pain, let go, let go. dw is an amazing teacher - he articulates what i know, and lots i don't know. i feel safe with him, and this forum is an extension of him, i think, anyway. lots to be grateful for.

[leareliovag]

you know what would really cheer me up. a story of a person who was very much a tough, brutal sort of a person, and he/she learned and was able to turn it all around.

anyone know a story such as this?

that is what i am trying to say, i am/was that person....being on the internet i don't want to go into any great detail, but a summary of my life would be....

born fully aware, happy to be on planet earth, then being lied to by nearly every person that talked to me....(already feeling alienatedbrcause of it) then at 2 parents divorce, mother complete alcoholic, went through every worst nightmare a child could go through, mother in mental ward at 4, me every where bounced around to have even worse attrocities against me...adopted mother back out of mental ward at 5, we move away from everyone i know and love, to a strnge place where she can drink herself into a stupor and neglect me without any eyes to see her doing it, blah, blah, blah.......(i have totally forgiven all this stuff so it now seems like no big deal to me anyways)......

the i start school, happy again, from around 6 years until 12 years old, i basically raised myself watching the brady bunch etc.....i was fine on my own (mother mostly absent, money went to booze instead of food or babysitters) i didn't care and wasn't mad, because the kids at school noticed i had nothing and would allways give me what they didn't like out of their lunches....instead of being mad or sad, i felt soooo privallaged eveyone else took care of me, so who cares if i had no family......(good attitude for a kid i'd say, still trying to get that attitude back completely)

then at 12 adopted mother marries town drunk, most bitter, mean, angry person i have met to this day.....long story short, i became suicidal, and i'm the only one who even knows.

17, moved out, start searching through all religions only to become more and more dissapointed.....21 meet jw boy, think i've found the "truth" and get married to him.....he dosen't even consumate the marriage, and becomes more verbally and phisically abusive than drunken step dad.....i leave him, and the 500 people i met and thought were my new family i was searching for, completely snub me, drop me and ignore me, even though he cheated on me and abused me...it took a while to get over that rejection...wow.

5 years ago...i met an even worse abuser, and he found out i was leaving, so had his way against my will and i became pregnant....it is like having a phyco stalker in your life, who now has a licence to be there, as we have a child.....at about this point, it finally all took me over, and i became a horribly bitter person, even wishing death upon my abuser, which is the worst thought i have had...(except 3 1/2 years ago, i thought it and said it about my step father, as i never wanted such a hateful person to have the privillage of looking into my babies eyes....20 minutes later my cousin came over and told me he died at bsically the exact time i said i wished he was dead....believe me it took me a long time [bout a year and a half] to forgive myself for that, thinking my words caused his death 500 miles away)

i think you get the picture by now......long story short.....i had a beautiful child now, i did not feel like i should have the privallage of being around him unless i could get the bitterness out of me.....like i said in my other post, laughter is the best medicine......i realized i was soooo imperfect too, it really helped me to forgive others, and once i had a few years to taste being bitter myself, i actually realized that i felt sorry for angry nd bitter people, because there is no way anyone could actually want to feel like that.....trust me,....the formula for me was....

1) forgive others...
2) forgive yourself.....
3) stop judging anyone...
4) anger begets anger, so in order to release that anger, you need to laugh it out.......cry if or when you can, but if you are or where as numb as i was, you will not even be capable of crying until you get a lot of that anger out...even laughing again was hard for me, but i knew intuitivly it had to be done.

that is a very brief summary of my story......lol,

[leareliovag]

another thought, i feel you really need to understand deeply, is you are not alone!!!! we have all been through, and are going through crap non stop on this planet.....not one single person is immune, until you look at how we react to these situations......you can just choose to not be angry....it really is that simple, a choice, made moment to moment, the more you make this choice of not letting anger/negativity, have it's power over you, the less and less it does....then you start laughing at these things...little by little, you kind of "get it".....

one example was, the other day, the "abuser" was trying ever so hard to belittle me and my friend...well, we realized how rediculous it was, and went around the corner and laughed hysterically, instead of feeling stupid like his goal was towards us....i said" does he really think everyone else on the planet is that dumb?" and we lost it....cracking up, instead of letting our ego's get the best of us, instead of arguing about how he could think we are so stupid etc.....

like attracts like...... i have now got some of the most wonderful uplifting people in the world in my life, and purposley spend time with the "bitter roughians"....and guess what, the "bitter roughins" are all being transformed. i am helping them laugh at themselves and let go of their insecurities(fear) that makes them feel the anger in the first place.

loosen up, let go, and really, forgive yourself, because it sounds like the only person not letting you off the hook at this point is you.

[KasaBalak]

this thing is strangeling you, foo, let it go. release it for a moment; an hour; a day; a week; for however long, you can always come back to it later. clear your head. take a walk. breathe. just be. here. now.

ok, i will. i will go out for a walk.

so intense, foosnik. but i'm with you. this seems to be a forum for lost fathers. well, my father disappeared when i was two days old. nobody to this day knows what happened, though there are a lot of stories. he was a high profile guy, famous in his own country. the last people he was seen with was the cia. i've been through every emotion you can think of over this issue, and i'm not done. after my contract is up in korea, i will go back to our country and do some more stuff, not research anymore, because it doesn't matter what happened, but to sort of carry on his work, which was fighting for freedom. he became a legend and people act like i'm something special, just because i'm his direct descendant. his freedom fighting was physical, mine is spiritual. the people who are his admirers are pretty amazing, and it will be interesting to see what happens.

anyway, i finally let go of the anger, at least i hope so, we'll see. no more feeling abandoned, by death or whatever else could have happened. what's the point? there is no quick or easy solution, it is a process - "a time and season...." it unfolds, hanging on brings on the pain, let go, let go. dw is an amazing teacher - he articulates what i know, and lots i don't know. i feel safe with him, and this forum is an extension of him, i think, anyway. lots to be grateful for.

wow, i must take some time to think about the power of the words you have just spoke.

that is what i am trying to say, i am/was that person....being on the internet i don't want to go into any great detail, but a summary of my life would be....

born fully aware, happy to be on planet earth, then being lied to by nearly every person that talked to me....(already feeling alienatedbrcause of it) then at 2 parents divorce, mother complete alcoholic, went through every worst nightmare a child could go through, mother in mental ward at 4, me every where bounced around to have even worse attrocities against me...adopted mother back out of mental ward at 5, we move away from everyone i know and love, to a strnge place where she can drink herself into a stupor and neglect me without any eyes to see her doing it, blah, blah, blah.......(i have totally forgiven all this stuff so it now seems like no big deal to me anyways)......

the i start school, happy again, from around 6 years until 12 years old, i basically raised myself watching the brady bunch etc.....i was fine on my own (mother mostly absent, money went to booze instead of food or babysitters) i didn't care and wasn't mad, because the kids at school noticed i had nothing and would allways give me what they didn't like out of their lunches....instead of being mad or sad, i felt soooo privallaged eveyone else took care of me, so who cares if i had no family......(good attitude for a kid i'd say, still trying to get that attitude back completely)

then at 12 adopted mother marries town drunk, most bitter, mean, angry person i have met to this day.....long story short, i became suicidal, and i'm the only one who even knows.

17, moved out, start searching through all religions only to become more and more dissapointed.....21 meet jw boy, think i've found the "truth" and get married to him.....he dosen't even consumate the marriage, and becomes more verbally and phisically abusive than drunken step dad.....i leave him, and the 500 people i met and thought were my new family i was searching for, completely snub me, drop me and ignore me, even though he cheated on me and abused me...it took a while to get over that rejection...wow.

5 years ago...i met an even worse abuser, and he found out i was leaving, so had his way against my will and i became pregnant....it is like having a phyco stalker in your life, who now has a licence to be there, as we have a child.....at about this point, it finally all took me over, and i became a horribly bitter person, even wishing death upon my abuser, which is the worst thought i have had...(except 3 1/2 years ago, i thought it and said it about my step father, as i never wanted such a hateful person to have the privillage of looking into my babies eyes....20 minutes later my cousin came over and told me he died at bsically the exact time i said i wished he was dead....believe me it took me a long time [bout a year and a half] to forgive myself for that, thinking my words caused his death 500 miles away)

i think you get the picture by now......long story short.....i had a beautiful child now, i did not feel like i should have the privallage of being around him unless i could get the bitterness out of me.....like i said in my other post, laughter is the best medicine......i realized i was soooo imperfect too, it really helped me to forgive others, and once i had a few years to taste being bitter myself, i actually realized that i felt sorry for angry nd bitter people, because there is no way anyone could actually want to feel like that.....trust me,....the formula for me was....

1) forgive others...
2) forgive yourself.....
3) stop judging anyone...
4) anger begets anger, so in order to release that anger, you need to laugh it out.......cry if or when you can, but if you are or where as numb as i was, you will not even be capable of crying until you get a lot of that anger out...even laughing again was hard for me, but i knew intuitivly it had to be done.

that is a very brief summary of my story......lol,

another thought, i feel you really need to understand deeply, is you are not alone!!!! we have all been through, and are going through crap non stop on this planet.....not one single person is immune, until you look at how we react to these situations......you can just choose to not be angry....it really is that simple, a choice, made moment to moment, the more you make this choice of not letting anger/negativity, have it's power over you, the less and less it does....then you start laughing at these things...little by little, you kind of "get it".....

one example was, the other day, the "abuser" was trying ever so hard to belittle me and my friend...well, we realized how rediculous it was, and went around the corner and laughed hysterically, instead of feeling stupid like his goal was towards us....i said" does he really think everyone else on the planet is that dumb?" and we lost it....cracking up, instead of letting our ego's get the best of us, instead of arguing about how he could think we are so stupid etc.....

like attracts like...... i have now got some of the most wonderful uplifting people in the world in my life, and purposley spend time with the "bitter roughians"....and guess what, the "bitter roughins" are all being transformed. i am helping them laugh at themselves and let go of their insecurities(fear) that makes them feel the anger in the first place.

loosen up, let go, and really, forgive yourself, because it sounds like the only person not letting you off the hook at this point is you.

this is a lot of material and i need some time to think about it all.

i want you to know that i deeply appreciate this. i am so tired now. i need to rest for a bit.

[KasaBalak]

moderator note: this first picture may be a little disturbing but is very revealing. thank you foo.




no more of this madness.

[KasaBalak]

4) anger begets anger, so in order to release that anger, you need to laugh it out.......cry if or when you can, but if you are or where as numb as i was, you will not even be capable of crying until you get a lot of that anger out...even laughing again was hard for me, but i knew intuitivly it had to be done.

that is a very brief summary of my story......lol,
reply with quote so it can be done. but i will not allow this to be done alone.

it is going to take us all, in cooperation.

thank you so much.

[leareliovag]

well, i am rooting for ya for sure! you can do it!

[KasaBalak]

i just want you all to know that i really appreciate you allowing me to say what was in my heart.

i didn't mean to scare anyone, my intention is healing.

i will try to be calm and quiet now for a bit.

[Saqwnht]

...and it cannot, and will not be jesus who saves us. or whoever your christ type savior person is. and i don't mean just you. i mean all of us in general, myself included. all of this hero worship. buddha, the hopi indians, gandhi. i don't care. they are all great teachers. they showed us who we are so it is time to be that for ourselves.

we must grab and take the power into our own bodies and be our own savior.

the point is that now we, each and every one of us are the new christ conscious beings. so we must combine hands and do this thing for ourselves.

foo,

for the most part, i agree with what you have posted here. i do not believe that anyone will come to us on clouds and save us. i have pondered "the savior" metaphor for years and have come up with this:

jesus was a teacher that brought love to this world. when we accept jesus as our savior, it is because we are accepting the ways of jesus - accepting love into our hearts - forgiveness, compassion, unconditional love. only then can we be "saved" - through love.

as you said, saying it and doing it are completely different things. and yes, it is time to be love and save ourselves...

art