[KasaBalak]

that is what i am trying to say, i am/was that person....being on the internet i don't want to go into any great detail, but a summary of my life would be....

born fully aware, happy to be on planet earth, then being lied to by nearly every person that talked to me....(already feeling alienatedbrcause of it) then at 2 parents divorce, mother complete alcoholic, went through every worst nightmare a child could go through, mother in mental ward at 4, me every where bounced around to have even worse attrocities against me...adopted mother back out of mental ward at 5, we move away from everyone i know and love, to a strnge place where she can drink herself into a stupor and neglect me without any eyes to see her doing it, blah, blah, blah.......(i have totally forgiven all this stuff so it now seems like no big deal to me anyways)......

the i start school, happy again, from around 6 years until 12 years old, i basically raised myself watching the brady bunch etc.....i was fine on my own (mother mostly absent, money went to booze instead of food or babysitters) i didn't care and wasn't mad, because the kids at school noticed i had nothing and would allways give me what they didn't like out of their lunches....instead of being mad or sad, i felt soooo privallaged eveyone else took care of me, so who cares if i had no family......(good attitude for a kid i'd say, still trying to get that attitude back completely)

then at 12 adopted mother marries town drunk, most bitter, mean, angry person i have met to this day.....long story short, i became suicidal, and i'm the only one who even knows.

17, moved out, start searching through all religions only to become more and more dissapointed.....21 meet jw boy, think i've found the "truth" and get married to him.....he dosen't even consumate the marriage, and becomes more verbally and phisically abusive than drunken step dad.....i leave him, and the 500 people i met and thought were my new family i was searching for, completely snub me, drop me and ignore me, even though he cheated on me and abused me...it took a while to get over that rejection...wow.

5 years ago...i met an even worse abuser, and he found out i was leaving, so had his way against my will and i became pregnant....it is like having a phyco stalker in your life, who now has a licence to be there, as we have a child.....at about this point, it finally all took me over, and i became a horribly bitter person, even wishing death upon my abuser, which is the worst thought i have had...(except 3 1/2 years ago, i thought it and said it about my step father, as i never wanted such a hateful person to have the privillage of looking into my babies eyes....20 minutes later my cousin came over and told me he died at bsically the exact time i said i wished he was dead....believe me it took me a long time [bout a year and a half] to forgive myself for that, thinking my words caused his death 500 miles away)

i think you get the picture by now......long story short.....i had a beautiful child now, i did not feel like i should have the privallage of being around him unless i could get the bitterness out of me.....like i said in my other post, laughter is the best medicine......i realized i was soooo imperfect too, it really helped me to forgive others, and once i had a few years to taste being bitter myself, i actually realized that i felt sorry for angry nd bitter people, because there is no way anyone could actually want to feel like that.....trust me,....the formula for me was....

1) forgive others...
2) forgive yourself.....
3) stop judging anyone...
4) anger begets anger, so in order to release that anger, you need to laugh it out.......cry if or when you can, but if you are or where as numb as i was, you will not even be capable of crying until you get a lot of that anger out...even laughing again was hard for me, but i knew intuitivly it had to be done.

that is a very brief summary of my story......lol,

oh my god, yes. this is the exact same thing i went through. i am blown away by your story.

20 minutes later my cousin came over and told me he died at bsically the exact time i said i wished he was dead....believe me it took me a long time [bout a year and a half] to forgive myself for that, thinking my words caused his death 500 miles away) yes, these are the choices that have been made. i hear you and have felt this same sort of pain. it is so hard.

let me say right now, that if you made it, you are so one of my heroes.

wow, the very last part of what you said. "if you are as numb as i am?" yes! that really put the finger right on it. it is the numbness that is leaving me now and now i am beginning to face it all head on, so that i can move on. i will not go out like my fathers so i am now faced with the question of what is the next step?

i am not sure what to do now.

thank you so much for your post.

[avaiptutt]

hey foo

i truly believe that writing down one’s feelings, as you have done, is a very good way to release anger. i hope it is helping you.

i’m sure there are tons of people out there with just as much anger built up inside them, however you are on the road to healing my friend, simply because you are trying to heal yourself. many others just let their anger manifest and grow and it comes out in all sorts of awful ways.

i have had to deal with a personal issue of mine where i felt i could not forgive myself for something horrible that i had done. i thought about what i had done every single day. it took a long time for me to learn how to forgive myself. it was a lot of work.

my point is that it takes time. you are working on it. that’s half the battle. keep it up.

have you thought about asking your higher self for guidance and support in how to release your anger? it works for me.

[Tic Tac Took]

foo and melissa,

i just wanted to say thanks for sharing your stories. we all have so much more in common than we know. both of you truly are an inspiration to me.

instead of just ignoring our anger and sadness it is important to feel it, embrace it and release it, as you both have done.

1) forgive others...
2) forgive yourself.....
3) stop judging anyone... those are three of the most important lessons in life imho.

thanks again and tons of love to you both, (and anyone else that reads this! )

megan

[leareliovag]

oh my god, yes. this is the exact same thing i went through. i am blown away by your story.

i am not sure what to do now.

you are already doing it.

and yes, i am no longer numb! i cry (happy cry) at puppy chow commercials again, giggle when i am by myself even, and have pretty much an awesome outlook on life.....

i think there is some sort of saying about those who have suffered much, will also rejoice much?

i am definatly past the 33 years of suffering, and finally into 2 years of rejoicing now.

some practicle help to speed things up too:

-our emotions can be stored in toxins in our bodies, one of the best short cuts back to happiness can be a good detox....

-apparenly we all have parasites of one kind or another, so i started with:
- a parasite cleanse
- a colon cleanse
-liver and kidney flush
-castor oil packs

wow does that ever give you your vital energy back!:d

on www.curezone.com if you type in edgar cayce, there is a bunch of the steps i took, through his advice.....ironiclly, once i finished all my cleansing (i will still upkeep now and then) i found this site, which is totally linked.....pretty cool sync.

[KasaBalak]

hey foo

i truly believe that writing down one’s feelings, as you have done, is a very good way to release anger. i hope it is helping you.

i’m sure there are tons of people out there with just as much anger built up inside them, however you are on the road to healing my friend, simply because you are trying to heal yourself. many others just let their anger manifest and grow and it comes out in all sorts of awful ways.

i have had to deal with a personal issue of mine where i felt i could not forgive myself for something horrible that i had done. i thought about what i had done every single day. it took a long time for me to learn how to forgive myself. it was a lot of work.

my point is that it takes time. you are working on it. that’s half the battle. keep it up.

have you thought about asking your higher self for guidance and support in how to release your anger? it works for me.

i am not only trying to talk with my higher self. i am trying to combine with him.

but my higher self is about love and this world is about war.

so with clashing fists, i am screaming with the best of my ability:

i will not allow anymore pain to be brought to you, me, and especially the children coming into this world !!!!

[KasaBalak]

that is what i am trying to say, i am/was that person....being on the internet i don't want to go into any great detail, but a summary of my life would be....

born fully aware, happy to be on planet earth, then being lied to by nearly every person that talked to me....(already feeling alienatedbrcause of it) then at 2 parents divorce, mother complete alcoholic, went through every worst nightmare a child could go through, mother in mental ward at 4, me every where bounced around to have even worse attrocities against me...adopted mother back out of mental ward at 5, we move away from everyone i know and love, to a strnge place where she can drink herself into a stupor and neglect me without any eyes to see her doing it, blah, blah, blah.......(i have totally forgiven all this stuff so it now seems like no big deal to me anyways)......

the i start school, happy again, from around 6 years until 12 years old, i basically raised myself watching the brady bunch etc.....i was fine on my own (mother mostly absent, money went to booze instead of food or babysitters) i didn't care and wasn't mad, because the kids at school noticed i had nothing and would allways give me what they didn't like out of their lunches....instead of being mad or sad, i felt soooo privallaged eveyone else took care of me, so who cares if i had no family......(good attitude for a kid i'd say, still trying to get that attitude back completely)

then at 12 adopted mother marries town drunk, most bitter, mean, angry person i have met to this day.....long story short, i became suicidal, and i'm the only one who even knows.

17, moved out, start searching through all religions only to become more and more dissapointed.....21 meet jw boy, think i've found the "truth" and get married to him.....he dosen't even consumate the marriage, and becomes more verbally and phisically abusive than drunken step dad.....i leave him, and the 500 people i met and thought were my new family i was searching for, completely snub me, drop me and ignore me, even though he cheated on me and abused me...it took a while to get over that rejection...wow.

5 years ago...i met an even worse abuser, and he found out i was leaving, so had his way against my will and i became pregnant....it is like having a phyco stalker in your life, who now has a licence to be there, as we have a child.....at about this point, it finally all took me over, and i became a horribly bitter person, even wishing death upon my abuser, which is the worst thought i have had...(except 3 1/2 years ago, i thought it and said it about my step father, as i never wanted such a hateful person to have the privillage of looking into my babies eyes....20 minutes later my cousin came over and told me he died at bsically the exact time i said i wished he was dead....believe me it took me a long time [bout a year and a half] to forgive myself for that, thinking my words caused his death 500 miles away)

i think you get the picture by now......long story short.....i had a beautiful child now, i did not feel like i should have the privallage of being around him unless i could get the bitterness out of me.....like i said in my other post, laughter is the best medicine......i realized i was soooo imperfect too, it really helped me to forgive others, and once i had a few years to taste being bitter myself, i actually realized that i felt sorry for angry nd bitter people, because there is no way anyone could actually want to feel like that.....trust me,....the formula for me was....

1) forgive others...
2) forgive yourself.....
3) stop judging anyone...
4) anger begets anger, so in order to release that anger, you need to laugh it out.......cry if or when you can, but if you are or where as numb as i was, you will not even be capable of crying until you get a lot of that anger out...even laughing again was hard for me, but i knew intuitivly it had to be done.

that is a very brief summary of my story......lol,

jesus, these are the things that have to end.

and it cannot, and will not be jesus who saves us. or whoever your christ type savior person is. and i don't mean just you. i mean all of us in general, myself included. all of this hero worship. buddha, the hopi indians, gandhi. i don't care. they are all great teachers. they showed us who we are so it is time to be that for ourselves.

we must grab and take the power into our own bodies and be our own savior.

the point is that now we, each and every one of us are the new christ conscious beings. so we must combine hands and do this thing for ourselves.

with love,
foo

[ROYMANgo]

foosnik, i was raised by extremely abusive adopted parents and carried my anger around with me for many years. the way i got over it was by praying every day that i be able to forgive my adopted parents for the way they treated me. little by little the anger just disipated, and now i don't seem to have any left within me. so my prayers were answered. prayer is a very powerful tool for self-healing, and also for many other things. at least that is what i have found. it doesn't matter who or what you pray to, as long as you believe in it's power to help you. that is truly what matters.

[KasaBalak]

foosnik, i was raised by extremely abusive adopted parents and carried my anger around with me for many years. the way i got over it was by praying every day that i be able to forgive my adopted parents for the way they treated me. little by little the anger just disipated, and now i don't seem to have any left within me. so my prayers were answered. prayer is a very powerful tool for self-healing, and also for many other things. at least that is what i have found. it doesn't matter who or what you pray to, as long as you believe in it's power to help you. that is truly what matters.

ok, i will try that.

how much simpler could that be?

just pray for forgiveness?

there is absolutely no reason why i can't at least try that and see.

thank you for the advice,
foo

[avaiptutt]

i am not only trying to talk with my higher self. i am trying to combine with him.

but my higher self is about love and this world is about war.

so with clashing fists, i am screaming with the best of my ability:

i will not allow anymore pain to be brought to you, me, and especially the children coming into this world !!!!

i hear you! i am, and have always been, totally against war. i think it is archaic. i don't understand why at this point in time we cannot behave civilly. talk it out. why do we send our babies to kill... for what?

your higher self is not in 3d anymore, as you have stated. your higher self totally understands and knows only love, compassion, a world without war. the true meaning of love.

i don't think we can "combine" ourselves with our higher selves, we can only ask for guidance and learn about true unconditional love in this dimension of time.

this 3d existance is almost at an end. our existance as we know it is speeding up at an incredible speed. being angry is a negative emotion. our postive thoughts, our love and light to all, within and without, is what will help us now. that is what will release the pain and anger, within and to the world at large.

imho

[KasaBalak]

#1 communication: it is not fair to the people around you, the people who love and support you to not, at the very least, to communicate and let people know what is going on, before it is too late. this is what builds the framework for a healthy life.

#2 judgment and the like: i think that when people judge, then people retreat inside of themselves and torture themselves because they begin to feel like a horrible person. we all must allow each other to be free. you might not agree with it, but if you are truly on the path of healing then it has to be done. hence, forgiveness:

#3 forgiveness: dw has spoke a lot about this subject and i think we all know why this is so important. if you look at the other person, as yourself, then you cannot judge him/her because they are you. we all have problems and fears.

but i think there is another step further before you can truly heal yourself:

#4 release: i forgave my father for him drowning in his problems. but i never released the anger, saddness, and the void that was created. this is my final lesson and the one i am struggling with so hard. i don't know how to do it. the anger is still raging inside of me so bad it is nearly ripping me to pieces.

can someone please give me some advice on how to release this?

i am aware that no one can save us, for us. we have to save ourselves. but i still need some advice.

anybody want to add their thoughts or feelings on this?

[leareliovag]

what worked for me was/is comedy.....you really need to forgive yourself for being angry in the first place, so find ways to laugh at yourself.

karaoke is a great one, the more you don't wanna get up there, the more you should.....sing a stupid song while doing jumping jacks or jumping on a trampoline until you are laughing hysterically at yourself......change your focus to things you can laugh at.

there are a bunch of hilarious video's on youtube for example, a good starter is one called "kids rock"....familiar kids songs sung by famous people...sooooooo funny!

laughter is such a release! you don't need to release things in an angry way to get them out, you really can laugh things out.

trust me, i am the happiest person i know, but have probly been trhough more crap than anyone i know either.....forgive yourself for being angry....laugh at yourself for being angry.....when you are alone, you can laugh yourself into good cry too.

[Noilemaillilm]

forgot the exact title but there's a book out there along the lines of, everything i needed to learn i learned in grade school.

i'll never forget that as it keeps making itself evident.

i posted before about my dismay concerning astrology. i won't go there. but they've also put feng shui masters to the test. guess what? etc.

oh, i will mention that the signs of (people) astrology were the easiest to disprove. there were like 57 in depth studies...

now i just saw this at amazon;

dawes (social and decision sciences, carnegie mellon univ.) presents a strong argument, based on empirical research, that psychotherapy is largely a shill game. he argues that while studies have shown that empathetic therapy is often helpful to people in emotional distress, there is no evidence that licensed psychologists or psychiatrists are any better at performing therapy than minimally trained laypeople. nor are psychologists or psychiatrists any better at predicting future behavior than the average person--a disturbing conclusion when one contemplates the influence such "experts" have on the u.s. judicial system. while other books have criticized the psychologizing of our society, none has been so sweeping or so convincingly argued. this book raises such important societal issues that all academic and public libraries have a duty to make a permanent place for it on their shelves.
- mary ann hughes, neill p.l., pullman, wash.

really, most of us know this. i've been saying this for years, from experience. it's an aspect of the system.

but in these past few months my whole world of esotericism (and then some) has virtually collapsed. even the archetypes are'nt so archetypal (the models). surely they are there but the schemes are far to arbitrary when confronted with controlled studies.

so i'm rather frazzled in all i've been learning - or coming to grips with. it is quite a paradox as i still believe there's more than what's outside the door.
i'm doubly freaked that we've got "masters" everywhere.

i checked out some astrology colleges last year. students are paying huge sums. the course by the faculty (elite) is very comprehensive and lengthy.

what in the world is going here!!?

as i've said, we are sooo needy. hopefully someone has some sop for me in all this!

[boXGWf04]

hi foosnik!

i too have had problems with my father. he left my mother and i when i was one and half years old. to my memory, he never really tried to start a relationship with me until i was about 11 or 12 years old. i believe this was because he had almost died from a potentially crippling car accident.

i am now 21 years old. i am reminded daily that i must work through my issues of anger and just try to see the love in the moment. i know for a fact, i would not be the person i am today if it wasn't for his abandonment.

now i'm not saying this is how you feel, but when something bad happens to us, we shouldn't ask god, "why did this happen to me???" we should thank god for whatever is front of us whether it is some difficult relationship or anything for that matter. it is love that has created our life and all of its pleasures and downfalls.

one of the greatest lessons i've learned is that when we completely love and accept ourselves as we are, then that love and acceptance will naturally begin to seep into our consciousness and interactions with others no matter how they've hurt us or wrong'd us in the past.

god bless!!!

[Xzmwskxn]

one of the keys for me in releasing resentments concerning things apparently done to me by others, is to realize that there are no victims. everything, without exception is a co-creation.

you, in fact, participated in creating your father's behavior. when this truth hits home, your realize that to forgive yourself is to forgive the other as well.

[KasaBalak]

one of the keys for me in releasing resentments concerning things apparently done to me by others, is to realize that there are no victims. everything, without exception is a co-creation.

you, in fact, participated in creating your father's behavior. when this truth hits home, your realize that to forgive yourself is to forgive the other as well.

i suspect that you may be right in this, that i have participated in my father's death somehow. the thing is that he died when i was young. and he never gave me the privilege to speak with him about it.

i was never given the chance to talk.

so like you said, i shall collect my karma and try to realize what has happened. this somehow has been a co-creation.

and if it has taught me nothing else, it has given me the anger and the motivation to step up and change this world.

[KasaBalak]

hi foosnik!

i too have had problems with my father. he left my mother and i when i was one and half years old. to my memory, he never really tried to start a relationship with me until i was about 11 or 12 years old. i believe this was because he had almost died from a potentially crippling car accident.

i am now 21 years old. i am reminded daily that i must work through my issues of anger and just try to see the love in the moment. i know for a fact, i would not be the person i am today if it wasn't for his abandonment.

now i'm not saying this is how you feel, but when something bad happens to us, we shouldn't ask god, "why did this happen to me???" we should thank god for whatever is front of us whether it is some difficult relationship or anything for that matter. it is love that has created our life and all of its pleasures and downfalls.

one of the greatest lessons i've learned is that when we completely love and accept ourselves as we are, then that love and acceptance will naturally begin to seep into our consciousness and interactions with others no matter how they've hurt us or wrong'd us in the past.

god bless!!!

at 21, you are a wise person and i think that you are right. there are days that i thank god and then there are days that i hate life.

i think that in the long run, you are right. we should appreciate the gift that we have been given.

[boXGWf04]

one of the keys for me in releasing resentments concerning things apparently done to me by others, is to realize that there are no victims. everything, without exception is a co-creation.

you, in fact, participated in creating your father's behavior. when this truth hits home, your realize that to forgive yourself is to forgive the other as well.

thanks for the reminder!! i needed that.

[KasaBalak]

it cannot be left to dw alone. we must all rise to this challenge.

in one ear i have people telling me that no one can save me but me. and me alone. and in the other ear i have people telling me that we must love each other, and take care of each other, and we cannot do it alone.

somehow these two things must be fused into one beautiful world.

you know what would really cheer me up. a story of a person who was very much a tough, brutal sort of a person, and he/she learned and was able to turn it all around.

anyone know a story such as this?

[KasaBalak]

it doesn't matter where we are from. we must own up to the fact this is where we are, right here and right now.

don't use this wandering thing as a form of escapism.

no, no and no. it doesn't matter where you are. this is it, right now.

make it or break it !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

how many more of us have to die ?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[KasaBalak]

what worked for me was/is comedy.....you really need to forgive yourself for being angry in the first place, so find ways to laugh at yourself.

karaoke is a great one, the more you don't wanna get up there, the more you should.....sing a stupid song while doing jumping jacks or jumping on a trampoline until you are laughing hysterically at yourself......change your focus to things you can laugh at.

there are a bunch of hilarious video's on youtube for example, a good starter is one called "kids rock"....familiar kids songs sung by famous people...sooooooo funny!

laughter is such a release! you don't need to release things in an angry way to get them out, you really can laugh things out.

trust me, i am the happiest person i know, but have probly been trhough more crap than anyone i know either.....forgive yourself for being angry....laugh at yourself for being angry.....when you are alone, you can laugh yourself into good cry too.

i have done it. i have laughed at myself. but it is getting so real for me right now. i don't want to use humor as a form of escape. humor is great therapy but i won't laugh at myself to just make things go away.

and i agree and think you are right, that i need to forgive.

and if you are the happiest person you know then you are a resilient and powerful person. exactly the type of person that i wish i was.

but still, don't allow your greatest strength which is resilience to be your downfall. if you have had so much happen to you then it needs to come to light.

or you will die or laughter.

i speak this with the greatest love and respect.