[BrainTop]

it seems like such a paradox to me when i am told that what is truly important in life is the love you share with other people but then i am told it is not healthy to need the other person. well if the love shared between people is so important then how is it that i don't need it? it seems to me that you have nothing without other people to share it with. this has always been a big issue with me in my life because i have lost a lot and the fear of losing anyone again keeps me in an unbalanced state of mind. i need to learn how to move past this barrier before i can have the positive, successful life that i want.

anyone have some advice on this, please?

my humble gratitude,
foo

[Pharmaciest]

i wish i had some easy answers for you, but all i have to offer you is my own confusion. maybe there things that you need to learn before you find your soulmate, or whatever else you're searching for. or perhaps there are lessons that she needs to learn before she finds you.

the law of attraction teaches us to get clear about what we want, visualize it, intend it, emotionalize it, empower it, and then detach from the outcome. this is one of the hardest things to do, but it's critical to the process. neediness and all kinds of states of 'wanting' will drive it away faster than anything. i like to close with the request that 'this, or something better' come to me, because infinite intelligence may have something much better in store for you.

could also be that the timing simply isn't right. i remember a time when i thought i was ready for a relationship, so i made a list of all the qualities i wanted in a partner, and started visualizing the 'perfect' mate. well guess what, someone showed up with every one of the qualities on my list. she was smart, beautiful, spiritual, had a great career, liked the things i liked, etc, etc.

well... ... it was easily the worst relationship i ever had!
what made it even worse was my unwillingness to let go, because i thought she was the one. i mean, how could i ever forget to put simple things on the list, like "someone who loves me!" or at least "someone who cares about me" or maybe "someone who won't cheat on me", but i didn't. i naively thought those qualities would just automatically come with the relationship. so what i finally learned was that i simply wasn't ready, even tho i thought i was.

hope this helps, and best of luck with your process.

[GZFL2tDA]

a few years ago, a friend of mine died and something very strange happened. i saw everything around me as if it were her. the trees, the road, the man walking down the street, the sky; everything had her signature. it was as if, upon being released from the confines of her body, she permeated the world. and indeed, mystics speak of such an expansion upon death.

in fact, just the other day, as if your question reached me in spirit, i was thinking along these lines and i imagined myself making a speech at her funeral: "scientists now know that outer space is not a void, that it is a plenum of energy. ty [my friend]'s absence is not a void, but also a plenum. she has become the world."

i am lebanese born, but living in the united states. i have many loved ones back in my other home. i have learned not to miss them, because they are always inside of me. i repeatedly visualize myself speaking to them, listen inwardly for their answers and comments. rejoice in the love between us.

i would try meditating on internalizing your loved ones, or seeing them as reflections or versions of your own self, feeling their presence in your heart, always there but perhaps only sometimes activated, as if they were there in potentiation.

internalizing the people you love, or even those you don't, is a step towards understanding oneness, and is helpful in that regard as well.

ra once spoke of internalizing polarity in order to come to an understanding of others, the oneness we share, albeit we only assume one version of that oneness.

"where you find patience within your mind you must consciously find the corresponding impatience and vice versa. each thought a being has, has in its turn an antithesis."

in turn, as you live more and more with the law of one, feeling your loved ones inside you becomes easier and easier. i have been getting lessons in understanding oneness for at least 10 years now, inner-self-directed. it takes a long time before such a proclivity becomes fully integrated. once this occurs, the world outside and inside become easily interchangeable.

love and light,
makram

[neniajany]

hmm i think we are here for the experience of it all and to be not be fearful about that experience and to be at least positive and accepting of the things that are imbalance because we are separated from the one.

i think that with love you need full and total acceptance not just partial so we also need not to be interfering with somebody's free will but rather accept the experience without attachments or judgments to them. with acceptance come wisdom together with love because you can then easily put yourself in another person's shoes and see the world through their eyes. this is why the experiencing experience without fear here is probably the most important aspect of being here.

you have to remember that outside the realm of eternity we only see duality in things and contradiction because of the 'distortion'. the perception of time is one (it doesn't really exist, it is only there because we expoerience in motion and movement), as well as seeing things on contrast and opposites (good vs bad, night and day,light and darkness etc).

the need part now borders on feeding the ego self and that now becomes sts situation. you have to be balanced in terms of loving and accepting and do this with wisdom and too much of the same thing (like needing somebody too much and relying on somebody too much) is feeding the negative influence. i hope this makes sense.

[crazuMovies]

love, to me, is not so much a feeling as it is a state of being. aren't we told over and over again that it is the core of our deepest self, the very essence of what we are? how can you lose your own essence, tell me?

when we 'lose the love', because we lose a person, it seems to me that we never 'owned it' in the first place. that we 'used' the other one as a catalyst, as a key to a door within ourselves that makes us feel/see what is behind. that's okay. it's part of how we learn.

i'd like to stay with the analogy and see you (or me) as owner of a house with many floors and many rooms to open and explore. should we depend on others to come up with the keys that open our doors? that's a fearful thought, at least to me. it's nice if i get a hint where to look for one i seem to have misplaced, but that's as far as it should go for me. i mean, i don't want to feel like a prisoner in my own home, having to beg to be let into my own study, or dining-room, or whatever. though of course it can happen that i have to pay someone to open my front door, because i forgot to take the damn keys with me when i went shopping. *sigh*

sharing with others means that i open my house to them and let them share the beauty (and it took time to accept that there might be any, believe me), and i visit their homes and enjoy the beauty of theirs. it does not mean that i need them urgently because they have the keys to my doors. that's not sharing, that's a recipe for doom.

[BrainTop]

@ supermanny:

hmmm...yes. i think you are right. perhaps it is simply not right. i guess i was trying too hard to make it right. sometimes people need to have some breathing room to figure things out.

it is the hardest thing to do to detach from the situation. it is not easy.

i need to figure out why it seems so much easier for her to move on alone and why it makes me fall to pieces.

thank you supermanny. i appreciate the support.

[BrainTop]

@ makram abu-shakra:

a few years ago, a friend of mine died and something very strange happened. i saw everything around me as if it were her. the trees, the road, the man walking down the street, the sky; everything had her signature. it was as if, upon being released from the confines of her body, she permeated the world. and indeed, mystics speak of such an expansion upon death. yes, my loved one has not passed on but i see her everywhere and in everything. it is different in that i think your experience was a positive release in that you felt comfort that your loved one is ok. mine is almost torturous.

i would try meditating on internalizing your loved ones, or seeing them as reflections or versions of your own self, feeling their presence in your heart, always there but perhaps only sometimes activated, as if they were there in potentiation. sometimes i think that meditation makes things worse. a mountain of thoughts fall on me when i try to be quiet with myself and it makes me feel crazy.

in turn, as you live more and more with the law of one, feeling your loved ones inside you becomes easier and easier. i have been getting lessons in understanding oneness for at least 10 years now, inner-self-directed. it takes a long time before such a proclivity becomes fully integrated. once this occurs, the world outside and inside become easily interchangeable. i have not reached this point, yet, but i will not forget that. thanks.

@ zneg1:

the need part now borders on feeding the ego self and that now becomes sts situation. you have to be balnaced in terms of loving and accepting and do this with wisdom and too much of the same thing (like needing somebody too much and relying on somebody too much) is feeding the negative influence. i hope this makes sense. it does totally make sense but sometimes it is easier said than done. someone told me once that when you are depressed you are at your most selfish. i do believe this is true but i am not sure of how to break this cycle.

@ e.f.:

i'd like to stay with the analogy and see you (or me) as owner of a house with many floors and many rooms to open and explore. should we depend on others to come up with the keys that open our doors? that's a fearful thought, at least to me. it's nice if i get a hint where to look for one i seem to have misplaced, but that's as far as it should go for me. i mean, i don't want to feel like a prisoner in my own home, having to beg to be let into my own study, or dining-room, or whatever. though of course it can happen that i have to pay someone to open my front door, because i forgot to take the damn keys with me when i went shopping. *sigh* nice, interesting analogy. let me add a bit to that. i feel like the other person is the one who offers the power to my house. when i am all alone my house is rather cold and dark. when the other person is home then my house becomes warm and light again. i am trying to figure out how to light my house all by myself. i don't have the answer to this at the moment. sometimes i wish that my family had not gotten split up and spread all over the map and maybe i would be more stable but then i do feel that i should be able to be strong and stable all by myself.

it does not mean that i need them urgently because they have the keys to my doors. that's not sharing, that's a recipe for doom. i agree with you here but i guess i am not sure how to find or where my keys for peace and happiness are. i intuitively know that i need to have them before i can be healthy and happy but i am not sure where to start.

maybe meditation would be a good start. it is worth a try.

i really appreciate everyone's advice.

thank you,
ryan

[BrainTop]

i have come to a realization after thinking a bit more about your responses. let me give a bit more of my history, maybe that will help focus things better. i was born into a family that was extremely dysfunctional. they did not share love at all with each other. each person was so angy/sad/mad that they did/could not share affection. there was very, very little warmth and occasionally there was intense violence.

i think it is one thing to have once shared great love and have lost that, which is a horrible thing in and of itself, but it is another thing to have never felt much of it at all. my family has come a long way since we all basically ran away from the whole situation as fast as we could, and split up as fast as we could. since that time my mom has gone to school to be a therapist and has learned a great deal about what and why things were the way they were. she has done a great deal to get things healed within the family.

but i still feel like something is missing from me. i am not able to function in society very well. i have always coped with this in bad ways such as drugs and alcohol. as much as i try to fight it is becoming overwhelming.

the worst of it is that my physical strength is now becoming tapped. this is why i am coming to a serious turning point in my life. i know i cannot keep going in this fashion.

i know that i probably just need to look inside myself for these answers and figure it out on my own. but i was just wondering if anyone else has had a simular experience?

any insight you have can't hurt.

thanks so much for your help,
ryan

[crazuMovies]

when i am all alone my house is rather cold and dark. when the other person is home then my house becomes warm and light again. i am trying to figure out how to light my house all by myself. i very much suspect that when the other person is at home you start seeing beauty in everything, and the beauty you begin to see is what makes your home appear so warm and light and cosy. also, you may feel the life in her, and start to feel alive through her, and connected.
sometimes i wish that my family had not gotten split up and spread all over the map and maybe i would be more stable but then i do feel that i should be able to be strong and stable all by myself. no, just no. if your upbringing created situations for you that made you feel disconnected and alone, then you cannot now expect yourself to be all strong and stable. that's simply not the game you've chosen for yourself this time. please accept the layout of your own game, because accepting it is the first step towards handling it. you must have had very good reasons, very positive, growth-oriented reasons, to choose to confront violence, strife, emptiness and feelings of lack the way you do. it takes some courage to choose a difficult path, that's nothing for the faint of heart, so some respect for yourself and your choice wouldn't be all wrong.

pain is a mighty motivator, sometimes a shortcut, and negativity is a very good teacher, isn't it.

if you want an advice, i would advice trust. the answers are already within you; deep down you know how to align with yourself. trust that they will move up into your consciousness, clear and understandable, one step at a time. ask your deepest inner self for healing and then let go. things will happen.

[BrainTop]

no, just no. if your upbringing created situations for you that made you feel disconnected and alone, then you cannot now expect yourself to be all strong and stable. that's simply not the game you've chosen for yourself this time. please accept the layout of your own game, because accepting it is the first step towards handling it. you must have had very good reasons, very positive, growth-oriented reasons, to choose to confront violence, strife, emptiness and feelings of lack the way you do. it takes some courage to choose a difficult path, that's nothing for the faint of heart, so some respect for yourself and your choice wouldn't be all wrong. yeah, you make a lot of sense to me here. but it is hard to accept something you don't much understand.

so some respect for yourself and your choice wouldn't be all wrong. thank you for saying this. i think i really needed to hear that because i don't much respect myself.

pain is a mighty motivator, sometimes a shortcut, and negativity is a very good teacher, isn't it. yes, i think the pain is letting me know i have to make some changes. and it is definitely motivating me to take a drastic look inside myself.

if you want an advice, i would advice trust. the answers are already within you; deep down you know how to align with yourself. trust that they will move up into your consciousness, clear and understandable, one step at a time. ask your deepest inner self for healing and then let go. things will happen. this i think is really a tough one for me but i think it is very true. my fear of another loss has practically immobilized me. i need to trust that the thoughts coming to me at the moment are the right ones and i need to do it. you can't make decisions based on fear.

i really appreciate you offering your thoughts and advice. it has been very helpful.

[neniajany]

hmm i personally dont believe that anybody that has passed on (died) or lost in our relationship are really gone. they were there for a reason either for us to influence them in some positive way or (negative sometimes) that always results in some changes to them or to us. it is equally valid that they influenced us. again we are here to experience things and to learn from it. the bad part is when 'attachments' for as well as 'entitlements' aka 'needs' because this now becomes ego feeding instead of having a shared mutual fruitful experience it now becomes one sided.

for me people who have passed on are never really gone and those no longer in a relationship with us would always define who we are. for me they can still be a part of my life through other means (mostly in dreams) as well as when i remember them. we are all part of one source so everything comes back to that, for me this is just a phase from ice to liquid to steam, its all the same thing.

it does require a different world view to realize that eternity does not perceive time it just always is present forever, it is being in a 3d dimension that forces us to perceive time this way so we see loss in the past while in reality we are all in the presence of eternity just a matter of perception so the losses we have are not really gone and feeling otherwise is very selfish aka an sts situation.

[BrainTop]

hmm i personally dont belive that anybody that has passed on (died) or lost in our relationship are really gone. they were there for a reason either for us to influence them in some positive way or (negative sometimes) that always results in some changes to them or to us. it is equally valid that they influenced us. again we are here to experience things and to learn from it. the bad part is when 'attachments' for as well as 'entitlements' aka 'needs' because this now becomes ego feeding instead of having a shared mutual fruitful experience it now becomes one sided.

for me people who have passed on are never really gone and those no longer in a relationship with us would always define who we are. for me they can still be a part of my life through other means (mostly in dreams) as well as when i remember them. we are all part of one source so everything comes back to that, for me this is just a phase from ice to liquid to steam, its all the same thing.

it does require a different world view to realize that eternity does not perceive time it just always is present forever, it is being in a 3d dimension that forces us to perceive time this way so we see loss in the past while in reality we are all in the presence of ternity just a matter of perception so the losses we have are not really gone and feeling otherwise is very selfish aka an sts situation.

ok, i do see what you are saying. but it is very hard to conceptualize the raw emotion of what i am feeling right now.

it is kind of like what i heard someone say once. that sedona, arizona is the last place anyone should get into a car accident because they will look at you as you are laying on the ground and bleeding to death and say, "why have you created this in your life?"

thank you for your advice and wisdom.