[Seilehogshell]

here is the situation, point blank...i do not like my youngest brother's girlfriend one bit. just the sight of her makes my blood boil sometimes. she hasn't done anything wrong to me, in fact, she's never spoken a word to me in the couple of months they've been dating.

i don't want to feel these horrible feelings towards her, but i find it very difficult to look at her in a positive light. my brother is 18, doesn't work or go to school, but does smoke a lot of herb. she is 16 and goes to independent studies 2 days a week which means she is always at our house. she is very loud, obnoxious, walks around like she owns the place, and comes across as very rude because she will walk right by you and not acknowledge your presence. or in other words, she is 16 haha.

i'm not the only one that doesn't like her. in fact, nobody except my brother likes her. we all just get bad vibes from her. he's never been a good judge of character. we don't get good vibes from his friends either. but thats another topic haha.

i'm reaching out for advice on how i can try to change my perception of this girl because i don't want to hate her. i don't want to feel this way about anyone. its very rare for me to feel this way toward anyone and i don't like it. please help me find it in my heart to accept this child for who she is. i'm sure there is a reason she has come into our lives, i just don't fully understand why yet.

[V8V8V8]

i can relate to this very much so. my brother has brought home a few girls that defiantly carried a bad vibe with them. all i can say is that mabey she will be fortunate enough to learn something from you or your family. mabey its your brother that is going to be the one to learn something out of this. im not much of a believer in coincidence. always try to remember that any light we shine, even if its just the light of peace, will reflect onto her or anyone for that matter. my brother has been making bad decisions for years. ive gotten down right rude and dirty with some of his friends and him. it didnt do me any good. it did more good when i could walk away from the situation knowing i acted as a example of peace and love. i know its hard, and sometimes our impulses are too much for us to control. but as well, this is a lesson for us, control of our anger or rage.

peace to you,
lynette

sometimes it just helps to know someone has been in the boat your now sailing

[Assentesy]

i have felt this way towards some people too, your not bad for doing it. they will do things that seem like they want to get under your skin for no reason. my initial reaction was anger(and sometimes still is), and i could feel it welling up in my body. i wanted to scream out at this person and would have vivid images of doing so. but as i began my path of spiritual seeking i learned that what you hated in this person was something you did not like in your self, this is something that took me a while to accept. but as i sat down for a long time and thought intensly about what and why i did what i did to that person, or why i ddint like them, basically the very core of why i was mad, it boiled down to insecurity/ negative feelings and doubt i had on myself, wich is hard to admit.


i have found through much searching and contemplation that you have to fully love and accept yourself first before you can really, truly love and accept others. it was hard for me, because our society says we have to be something else. i also learned from davids work and the law of one stuff it is not good to hold in anger or negative feelings because this can manifest into cancer(although its not happned to me personally), so if you get mad, go someplace else and let that anger wash over you, fell every bit of it, maybe go and punch the living daylights out of a pillow, let your adrenaline surge, just whatever you need to do to productivly release it without harming anything. after you have you will feel better.


once you have accepted yourself, maybe not 100 percent but alot more than before, you might try and reach out to this person, and get shot down, do not let it bother you(easier said than done), i interpret this as a test, if you fail it, no big deal, pick yourself up again and be patient, once you can forgive yourself and be patient with you first, it will become easier to do it for others, this is something i am facing right now. be persistant but be yourself, when i first wanted things to get better in my life i tried to be this all loving softy person who was basically lying to themselves saying everything was in harmony and i got it. it was a lie, you have to admit all your faults and mistakes, if you dont, youll never learn from them! and spiritual enlightenment wont happen overnight, this is why pateince is so important. i later realized that i can still be loving but be my usual goofy self. and love others for who they are, no matter how odd they may seem. if they are really mean then just tell yourself they are confused and are still a human being, because even the bad guys need some love, without it then we would have an endless cycle of hate. steve irwin was himself, even if you dont care about crocs you can say that his passion was insipring, simply because he did what he loved, and he was himself.

so if you know that your a good person, be that person, realize that alot of us were this age at one point and did really dumb things, i am definetly one of these people but ive learned a great deal from it. if you let these negative feelings take over you then you will see more and more negative things happening, if you look at davids research then you will definelty discover that negative feelings will manifest themselves in reality, and you will get stuck in an endless cycle of hate.

i have been trying to get my mom to quit destroying her body since i breathed my first breath of life, ive wanted to give up. but now i realize that if i can love her as myself and treat her with the untmost repect then one day she will probably get an idea in her head that hey, i dont want to die from lung cancer because i have a family who cherishes me.

just be sure to be patient with yourself, and be glad that you are a good person because you want to change, being right here is proof of that, if it werent for your bros girlfirend then maybe you would never have the desire to change. and just rememebr that this is moslty up to you, its good to get advice and read up on stuff etc etc, but you have to be the one to initiate the change and know that we are all equals in this very seriouse game of life.

i say all of this like i have it down well, but i assure you that im still a work in progress, yet i remain optimistic with myself and hope that my 1 am philosophy of life can shed some light on your situation,
peace be with you

[corsar-caribean]

jump forward ten years in your mind and imagine what state she will be in at 26 with a ged and no college education. take that image and find compassion for her predicament, as she will most likely find herself stuck at the tail end of the job market with very few opportunities for advancement, and possibly a single mother.

take that compassion and pull it into the present for this poor child who probably has no idea how difficult life is going to get just in the next four years, especially if she keeps smoking weed and doesn't get enrolled full-time at some sort of school. and whose parents possibly are either emotionally or physically absent, since they don't seem to have given her much in the way of life advice. and whose poor people skills are just going to make everything that much harder until she figures out how to treat people civilly.

does that help?

[TEFSADDERFISA]

i thank you all for the advice. i do realize that her personality and some qualities are completely opposite of mine. this is why i have a hard time liking her. she lives life totally opposite of the way i do, in some respects.

so far, i've tried visualizing the two of them breaking up just so she would be out of our lives, but that probably isnt the best way to approach the situation. now i'll try to do as you suggest and imagine what her life will be like in the near future. i'm sure this will help me find the compassion im seeking.

what i don't understand is why it is so hard for me to like her. i'm an assistant teacher in a preschool and i deal with so many different personalities, but i'm always able to accept the children for who they are. and i love them for who they are. i've even learned to forgive myself and them for mistakes that we may have made during the course of the day. btw, this is crucial when dealing with someone diagnosed with add/adhd.

i'm starting to think the issue might not be with her at all, but with my brother. i don't agree with his lifestyle at all and i've distanced myself from him for it.

[Edwardthe_third]

***note: i wrote this before reading estopatitiana's post and as a result you'll see many things echoed.

usually when we see anything that we don't like or hate, it's a reflection of not completely accpeting ourselves. we have to find compassion, love, and peace within our own hearts for ourselves, before we can ever feel that in other selves. the girl is definitely there for a reason. i would guess she's in your life to serve as a catalyst for you to learn something. all i can say is reflect on what it is you are meant to get out of this situation.

i completely understand where you are coming from, as my step-father and i don't have the greatest relationship still. i used to not be able to stand him when i was younger. in my situation it did require some turmoil before things got better. today, things are better between us as i have learned to accept him and try to love him as much as i can. if he was never in my life, i wouldn't have my 2 beautiful siblings today.

peace be with you.

[Kolokireo]

cal poly dave,

perhaps you need to be straight up with your brother and tell him about the way you and your family feel about his gfriend. that she brings a negative vibe to your living envirement (compliments of your brother of course). perhaps you or someone in your family need to set your brother straight as well and tell him to get his act together or get out.

man to man, someone needs to step up and take charge of this situation for the better.

one 66

[Seilehogshell]

under other circumstances, i think my parents would have already confronted him about our feelings towards her. but the situation is a little more complex. he's not the most stable individual and they fear what he might do if confronted. he has been diagnosed with add, has anger management issues, and bouts of depression. unfortunately, we have to walk on eggshells around him at times. for now, we've all agreed to just be patient and let their relationship run its course.



again, i'm glad to hear/read about other's experiences with difficult people because it helps me understand it's a normal part of life. its also highly likely that we draw these people into our lives to teach us lessons. i always knew that we have negative feelings about people because they represent aspects of ourselves that we don't like, but it helps to hear that echoed from other people. thank you for your responses.

much love & light to all of you,
dave

[gWhya5ct]

i know from experience that it's hard to watch a sibling "make the wrong choice in partner". so we thought. i do think it takes two to tango, and that we tend to react to one another in a relationship. so if one is rather negative, then it will make it hard for the other. but then i still believe that people can change!
you've gotten some great advice here from "family"!
i also say that "actions speak louder then words", in that her actions could be speaking of something that is tormenting her inside. ? my "attitude" when i was a teenager reflected bottled emotions. i like to live by "walking in their shoes" to try and understnad what they may be going through. those are often the ones who need to be loved; and the kind of love that dwells within, that comes from our infinite creator!
and that this will also make you stronger in character. so long as we don't hang around the negative too long. meaning, that if it's dragging us down, then we need to find positive! i find this to be true.
just my thoughts....and hope they help along with the other incredible advice!
blessings of love and joy to you and all!
bon

[ñàéäèíã]

whenever i run across a person like this in my life, i remember that we are all one. i also remember that there is a part of them that is their higher self that is very, very good, and that part of them is in contact with them at times. so when i look at the person that brings out those negative feelings in me, i try to see their higher self in them, and it always helps me deal with them in a more positive manner. maybe that would work for you?

[SteantyjetMaw]

cal poy dave, a tough experience to be in. i believe the only thing that you can control is your support and advise (when asked) towards your brother's life. it is clear you love him so much and that you would lay down your ownself to protect him., but it is his life, his experience, his draw towards this new person.

be loving in your approach., your words, your action. support, give of self and have faith in you and your brother that all will be as it should be. don't come across to pull your brother away from you, but pull your brother closer to you, so you can be there if he needs you.

[Seilehogshell]

well, i was able to take everyone's advice and it really helped me to feel compassion for this girl. i've been able to stop the negative feelings. and no sooner than i did that, did she actually get a job. now that she's working, she hasn't been around as much. plus she's encouraging my brother to get a job. after all is said and done, she could actually have been a blessing in disguise. time will tell...

dave