[Cofeeman]

i don't want to bore you with the details of my life story or anything. suffice to say that basically where i am now is in a sort of rut, and i don't feel i have the skills to pull myself out or make myself happy. i feel i can't do it alone. i am a loner, and yet i long for kindred spirits to share times with. i'm not quite agoraphobic or such, though i do suffer from a little anxiety now and then. i can talk to anyone, find things to relate to them with, and yet i feel and know deep down that i am not like any of them. it's sometimes lonelier to be in a crowded room of people than by myself.

i know it's only an illusion that we're "disconnected". and yet, i have to live in the "illusion" for time being, so i have asked the "universe" to send me the only one thing i really feel i want, that could help me to be happy. it's funny- i decide to sit down and write a list of all the things that could help me be happy, and this is the only thing i could write. a companion i can be truly compatible with. but what if this doesn't happen, for whatever karmic reason?

the truth is, i don't know how to make myself happy, without changing my circumstances. i am the mother of two sons, a 16 month old and a 4 year old. they are both very high spirited. the truth is, children are not there to make you happy- you are there to make them happy. you have to be the one to radiate happiness to them, and transmute- not react to- all the tantrums and negative behavior they constantly bombard you with all day long.
i know this, and yet ironically i don't know how to actually do it.....i just don't seem to possess the skills.

i hardly get any enjoyment out of life any more. it is very difficult to make myself do anything.

i had to give up a part-time evening course in reflexology because their father told me he wasn't prepared to give me lifts any more; and taxis are far too expensive.

this is only because i have made it clear that we don't do each other (or the kids) any good in a relationship where we fight all the time (we already live in separate houses any way). i have held onto the relationship all these years because in a sense, i'll always love him (for we are all one), and this was better than being alone. but the more i find myself and am true to my spiritual yearnings and passion for finding answers, the more being with him proves impossible, as he isn't open-minded or spiritual at all. i just can't talk to him. (he thinks my interests, thoughts, etc are just a complete waste of time, or a joke).

he thinks i am just selfish and self-pitying, but then has he walked in my shores? has he lived in this body/ space-suit and seen through these eyes, felt these emotions?

i would like to "pull myself out of it" if i knew how. but what it comes down to is i just don't know how to, other than change my circumstances.

so, this is what i plan to do.

[Cofeeman]

we took the boys to my eldest son's party today at a big soft play area (his birthday was on monday, but we planned his party with his friends for today).

anyway, it was nice. i was able to forget myself and my problems for a couple of hours and just enjoy it. i enjoyed talking to the other mum's there and their company.

i guess i have postponed inviting anyone round here for a while because there are a few things i wanted to do in the house first, such as do the settee up a bit and clean the carpet in the living room.....i worry, not because i have less than some people, but i just want to show i have standards, as this is quite a "middle class" area.....not that there is really any such thing as "class".

(to cut a long story short i haven't been living here long, moved around a bit so haven't any "roots" as such).

also, the way my mother acted, who came along with his two cousins, made me realize that a lot of the problems i have aren't mine at all. they are hers. she started acting really weired and disappeared for a while because she thought the other grandmother ignored her, but she never made any effort to say hello either........

i never had friends come round the house to play very often as a child, and i had an over-protective upbringing. eventually i became depressed and rebelled, but i experienced some bullying via violent girl gangs that stopped me going out for a very long time, not even to school (after the age of 12- left at 14).....so this has left a scar. there was constant fighting in my house growing up. i had insomnia. i have two older brothers (7 and 9 year age gap) who i didn't get along with growing up.........


i really want to change my life and put all of these things behind me, including the attitude of my mother, etc.

[alenbarbaf]

hi ameliejolie...

you wrote:
i would like to "pull myself out of it" if i knew how. but what it comes down to is i just don't know how to...
-----

an option...that is free...and works...if it is worked !

metabolism adjustment, spirit adjustment, alignment to love and life and
wonderful results unique to each of us as each of us is unique.

when a personal solar meditation program is initiated and set in motion and
a time commitment is made and held...the spirits will hold you and transform you in a beautiful and personal way. more and more are becoming re-aware and re-awakened and are interacting with the sun (and the moon) as never before.

if you google "solarhealing" and go to the site and click on "sungazing" and then click on "process" you will get to a safe and sound method for starting your meditation.

if you simply want to lighten up everything in your life...become more conscious of the sun daily...interact with it...take reflection of the light off of the water at your favorite stream or pond or lake while embracing all of the love around you : ) there is no need to wear sunglasses unless you have damaged/weak eyes(probably 1/2 % of the population)...if you slowly wean yourself of of sun shades and take the light in with your eyes "raw" it will help re-awaken that natural enhancing relationship.

david wilcock's 7-11-7 reading also speaks of/ mentions this.

http://www.divinecosmos.com/2007-7-11.mp3

[Liabmeasez]

in this world, we are taught that to be happy, our circomstances must be perfect or as close to it as possible.

this always creates a 'chasing after happiness' effect and the end result is that you are never happy. the grass is always greener on the other side and some one else's life is always more perfect than your own. you always need the next new thing, the new circumstance, the new job, the new car... it goes on and on.

the hidden truth about happiness? be happy first, and your life will follow suit. in your daily meditations, begin to focus on a sense of appreciation for what you do have, not what you don't. your children are most likely the greatest blessing you have, appreciate them for what they are and the happiness they bring into your life.

again its a matter of focus, if you focus on the negative in your life, thats what will follow you around. if you learn to 'transmute' (as you said) those bad things into blessings you will be much happier. if you learn to be happy despite those things well your life will follow through. it may take some time, its most likely a lesson you must learn.

as far as finding a kindred soul mate, it is important to learn to love yourself first. how can you love and show appreciation for your significant other if you don't already know how to show that to yourself? also you cannot attract love by focusing on your lack of it.

i know often times i sound cynical, or preachy.. its really not what i mean to do, only offer advice. the truth is that i can only tell you, but your the one that has to learn this and thats the hard part. i feel for your pain, the pain of waking up and looking out into the world and realizing we are all alone and lonely, longing for the connection we feel we've lost.

that emptiness is the catalyst, the aching in your heart is your calling to open it and begin to see the connection between you and others. i've been a loner most of my life, stuck to myself, did my own thing, had a few friends but preferred my time alone... but that didn't keep me from feeling lonely. i think every one here can intuitively feel the chaos in you, the conflicting emotions, the pain of awakening. we are all here for you, you don't have to feel lonely any more! i'm sending you love! feel love for yourself and your life, it is precious in every way.

peace and love!
errol

[illignocearia]

hi amelie,

i have been a mom too they are probably a bit older than you are right now, but i do understand what you go thru as a woman with kids to raise and no time for yourself.

you said: i know it's only an illusion that we're "disconnected". and yet, i have to live in the "illusion" for time being, so i have asked the "universe" to send me the only one thing i really feel i want, that could help me to be happy. it's funny- i decide to sit down and write a list of all the things that could help me be happy, and this is the only thing i could write. a companion i can be truly compatible with. but what if this doesn't happen, for whatever karmic reason? i think that with your other explanations in that post, and this is only my opinion mind you, that this is not what you need in this incarnation. right now, what would make you more self-sufficient and bring up your self-esteem, is to go back and get your ged, if you never did that. then, enroll in a 2-year career course of your choice at some junior college in your area, or, whatever you are interested in. then you can have your own money.

it sounds to me as if your ex or whatever he is (no disrespect here meant really) doesn't want you to be confident and is using his power over you to keep you cornered (paying for things and keeping you dependent on him). no one can feel confident in that situation, so i imagine that if you go back to school, he is really gonna fuss. you need to go to the child support and make sure he is ordered to pay you, so this will help. now, this is always very scary for women, so please, please, if this is your case, contact your local abuse hotline and get advice. i am not a professional counselor, only very concerned for you and giving you virtual hugs all the time .

i apologize if i interpreted this wrong and rambled along like this, but just remember that i want you to be ok, and i am sure everyone else here on the forum feels the same. love, chris

[Cofeeman]

thank you, i appreciate it. i hope i'm not making a fool of myself here, but i really don't ask for help unless i feel desperate. if it wasn't for my boys i don't think i would be here- they are the motivation for me to try and find a way out of the rut i've got caught in. if it wasn't for my boys, i think i would have ended it all by now....as i have been somewhat melancholic since the age of 11 and living in a kind of ennui there after......trying to decide "to be or not to be".......


chris, we have a system over here where the child support gets payed directly from the social security, then the social security claim it off the father- this helps guarantee the children get the money they need.
you are right, i do need to do a course of some sort. i will have to find out if there are any i can start in january or something. i'm quite interested in holistic therapies right now. i think something like this would be much more practical than academic studies, which don't necessarily guarantee an interesting job (which actually seem rather scarce these days).

as someone says in the wonderful french film "amelie".......
"times are hard for dreamers".

the high spirited, passionate, creative, imaginative deeply spiritually aware souls of today suffer enormously because none of the "boxes" available to them are suitable.....not one bit.

when i was a little girl i used to dream of being all sorts of things.....an actress, a writer, a singer, a fashion designer.......or working with animals, or charity work (the next mother teresa)

i think because my sun sign is in gemini and my moon is in libra (conjunct pluto), i feel the need to share things with a companion very strongly. when there is love, i feel so much more alive. however, i tend to be extremely fussy. i won't consider anyone who i don't feel an intuitive connection with and casual relationships don't interest me in the slightest......truly, madly deeply is where i'm at (there was this sad film i watched once called that- very emotional and intense....that's us moon conjunct pluto souls!

i think i should have been an artist of some sort.
the passionate and unstable fireworks of the souls deepest innermost emotions......and all that.....yes, these are the waves i ride on the wavelength of my life.

so many of the great artists experienced these feelings, and i think i know what it is they felt.

life is full of so many "hopes and expectations, black holes and revelations".

sometimes the weight of the world just seems to be crashing down......a feeling of such tiredness of the world of illusion, the perpetual cycle of karma, tapestry of yin and yang, love and hate.....money is worthless, and things will never bring happiness......i just so long to be at one.

[Cofeeman]

wow, i just watched the final part of something i started watching on thursday and all my questions have been answered! we don't even need to ask questions- all we have to do is "tune in" to who we really are!

[Cofeeman]

for we are infinite consciousness!

omg, look what else i've just found today! someone posted this amazing article on myspace and here's the link! it clarifies all the confusion regarding "twin flames".

http://www.heartflamepublishing.com/...mephysics.html


now i know what i've gotta do!

[moderator note: this article is very close to loo creation philosophy in different words, so i am letting it thru]