[Cabinanteerip]

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it is near; it is at hand. maybe tomorrow (but probably never)

a compendium of endless predictions of the second coming based on period documents

an untold number of people have tried to predict the return of jesus by using elaborate timetables. most date setters do not realize that mankind has not kept an unwavering record of time. anyone wanting to chart, for example, 100 bc to 2000 ad, would have to contend with the fact that 46 bc was 445 days long, there was no year 0 bc, and in 1582 we switched from julian years (360 days) to gregorian (365 days). because most prognosticators are not aware of all of these errors, their math is immediately off by at least several years if not decades.

the return of jesus christ for his church will easily be the most important event in pentecostal fictive history and long before the pentecostal sect evolved in 1900, empty-headed religious zealots, banging on their empty drums, have been predicting the second coming. herewith we present a brief compendium of the more entertaining prophesies for the entertainment of the reader.

53 ad even before all the books of the new testament were invented, there was talk that christ's return had already taken place. the thessalonians panicked when they heard a rumor that the day of the lord was at hand, and they had missed the event..

500 a roman priest living in the second century predicted christ would return in 500 ad, based on the dimensions of noah's ark. someone must have used a bad ruler because jesus did not appear in 500 ad

1000.all credulous members of what passed for normal society seemed affected by the prediction that jesus was coming back at the start of the new millennium. the magic of the number 1000 was the sole reason for the expectation. during concluding months of 999 ad, everyone was on his best behavior; worldly goods were sold and given to the poor; swarms of pilgrims headed east to meet the lord at jerusalem; buildings went unrepaired; crops were left unplanted; and criminals were set free from jails. when the year 999 ad turned into 1000 ad, nothing happened. many citizens of the world who had given their property away, but certainly not those who accepted it, were stunned but eventually hopeful that the event would be postponed until 1001. nothing happened then, either.

1033 this year was cited as the beginning of the millennium because it marked 1,000 years since christ's alleged crucifixion.

1186 the "letter of toledo" warned everyone to hide in the caves and mountains. the world was reportedly to be destroyed with only a few spared, including the letter writer. it was not.

1420 the taborites of czechoslovakia predicted every city in the known world would be annihilated by fire. only the five mountain strongholds they occupied would be saved from the celestial barbeque. this did not happen

1524-1526 muntzer, a leader of german peasants, announced that the return of christ was near. after muntzer and his men destroyed the high and mighty, the lord would supposedly return. this belief led to an uneven battle against government troops. he was strategically outnumbered. muntzer claimed to have had a vision from god in which the lord promised that he would catch the cannonballs of the enemy in the sleeves of his cloak. the prediction within the vision turned out to be false when muntzer and his followers were mowed down by cannon fire. if one believes their stories, the disintegrated had the pleasure of going to heaven in a number of pieces which god himself would lovingly sort out just like pious jewish religious ambulance workers reassembling those fragmented in a jerusalem bus attack.

1534 a repeat of the muntzer affair occurred a few years later. this time, one greatly deluded by apparently very forceful, jan matthys took over the city of münster in germany. the city was to be the only one spared from divine destruction. the inhabitants of münster, evicted by matthys and his men, regrouped and laid siege to the city. within a year, every one of the strange occupiers in the city was dead. they also had an express ticket to heaven.

1650-1660 in an england beset by religious fanatics, the fifth monarchy men beseeched jesus to establish a theocracy. they took up arms and tried to seize england by force. the movement, and most of the senior leaders of it, died when the british monarchy was restored in 1660. jesus apparently was not listening or was otherwise engaged. heads rolled, quite literally, as england finally escaped from the unwanted attention of dimwitted fanatics.

1809 mary bateman, who specialized in fortune telling, had a magic chicken that laid eggs with end-time messages on them. one message said that christ was coming. the uproar she created ended when an unannounced visitor caught her forcing an egg into the hen's oviduct. mary later was hanged for poisoning a wealthy client. history does not record whether the offended and sodomized chicken attended the hanging.

1814 spiritualist joanna southcott made the startling claim that she, by virgin birth, would produce the second jesus christ. her abdomen began to swell and so did the crowds of people around her. this gathering is similar to certain ethnic groups who see visions of the virgin mary on refrigerator doors or reflected on rooming house walls. the time for the birth came and passed with no jesus appearing. as for the miraculous southcott, she died soon after. an autopsy revealed she had experienced a false pregnancy. her followers blamed the antichrist for this.

1836 john wesley wrote that "the time, times and half a time" of revelation 12:14 were 1058*1836, "when christ should come" john wesley was wrong in this matter as well as a number of other items of religious thought he preached.

1843-1844 william miller was the founder of an end-times movement that was so prominent it received its own name, millerism. from his studies of the bible, miller determined that the second coming would happen sometime between 1843-1844. a spectacular meteor shower in 1833 gave the movement excellent momentum. the buildup of anticipation continued until march 21, 1844, when miller's one-year timetable ran out. some followers set another date--oct 22, 1844. this too failed, collapsing the movement. one follower described the days after the failed predictions: "the world made merry over the old prophet's predicament. the taunts and jeers of the 'scoffers' were well-nigh unbearable." people in general do not suffer fools gladly.

1859 rev. thomas parker, a massachusetts minister, looked for the millennium to start about 1859. it did not. parker subsequently was placed in a lunatic asylum when discovered running, buck naked, down the street in bainbridge, screeching that jesus was right behind him. what actually was behind the reverend parker were local bailiffs with nets.

1910 the revisit of halley's comet to the earth’s bemused vision was, for many, an indication of jesus’ second coming. the earth actually passed through the gaseous tail of the comet. one enterprising man sold comet pills to people for protection against the effects of the toxic gases. toxic gasses, mostly vocal methane, from frantic fundamentalists did not need pills. it might have been better if the predictors had used prozac tranquilizer pills but as they had not yet been invented, this is a moot point.

1914 charles russell, after being exposed to the lunatic babblings of william miller, founded his own organization that evolved into the jehovah's witnesses. in 1914, russell predicted the return of jesus christ. jesus christ was not listening and did not appear in 1914.

1918 in 1918, new studies assisted russell from extending his predictions to that year. jesus christ, or his travel agent, did not oblige.

1925 the witnesses had no better luck in 1925. they already possessed the title of “most wrong predictions.” they would expand upon it with great zeal and no sense whatsoever in the years to come.

1967 when the city of jerusalem was reclaimed by the jews in 1967, prophecy watchers declared that the "time of the gentiles" had come to an end. christian zionists began to flourish, much to the entertainment of jewish groups.

1970 the ‘true light church of christ’ made its claim to fame by incorrectly forecasting the return of jesus. a number of church members had quit their livelihoods ahead of the promised advent. in earlier time, such deluded creatures gave their property away to their gleeful, non-believing neighbors, donned white nightgowns and stood up on hilltops, waiting for the celestial elevator. it never came for them but pneumonia did.

1973 a comet that turned out to be a visual disappointment nonetheless compelled one preacher to announce that it would be a sign of the lord's return. it was not.

1975 the jehovah's witnesses were back at it again with commendable zeal in 1975. the failure of the latest forecast did not affect the growth of the movement. the watchtower magazine, a major witness periodical, had over 13 million subscribers. many of them actually are able to read, albeit very slowly, but the majority love the large pictures. however, over 40 millions have read the left behind books or, as they have irreverently been termed the my left behind books.

1981 one author boldly declared that the rapture would occur before december 31, 1981, based on christian prophecy, astronomy, and a dash of ecological fatalism. he pegged the date to jesus' promised return to earth a generation after israel's rebirth. he also made references to the "jupiter effect," a planetary alignment occurring every 179 years that supposedly could lead to earthquakes and nuclear plant meltdowns. also, there were saintly rumors of the lost continent of atlantis suddenly emerging from the depths of lake baikal in russia, or according to other enlightened cretins, lake michigan, new york harbor, the mississippi river just off of new orleans or the main public reservoir of phoenix, arizona. there was no rapture and atlantis never surfaced.

1982 the lunatic fringe was at it again in 1982 when they loudly proclaimed that the world as we all knew it was going to end in 1982, when the planets lined up and created magnetic forces that would bring “armageddon” to the earth. astrologers and religious predictors joined forces here and when nothing happened, all of them went back to the ouija boards. the battle of armageddon is, of course, pure fiction and is not found anywhere in the bible, even in the weird rantings of the lunatic john of patmos’ book of revelations.

1982 a group called the tara centers placed full-page advertisements in many major newspapers for the weekend of april 24-25, 1982, announcing: "the christ is now here!" they predicted that he was to make himself known "within the next two months." after the date passed, they said that the delay was only because the "consciousness of the human race was not quite right..." unfounded rumor had it that jesus in fact did arrive but was arrested by the new york city police vice squad for committing unmentionable acts in a public lavatory in central park.

1984 the jehovah's witnesses made sure, in 1984, that no one else would be able to top their record of most wrong doomsday predictions. the witnesses' record currently holds at nine. the years are: 1874, 1878, 1881, 1910, 1914, 1918, 1925, 1975, and 1984. tired of loud public scorn and derision, the witnesses have modestly retired from the field and now spend their time banging on doors and hawking their magazines, t-shirts and second coming bath mats.

1987 the harmonic convergence was planned for august 16-17, 1987, and several new age events were also to occur at that time. the second coming of the serpent god of peace and the hopi dance awakening were two examples.

1988 the book, 88 reasons why the rapture is in 1988, came out only a few months before the event was to take place. what little time the book had left to it and its feeble-minded readers, it used effectively. by the time the predicted dates, september 11-13, rolled around, whole churches were caught up in the excitement the book generated. not unnaturally, nothing happened. the writer and publisher, however, benefited greatly from the sales.

1989 after the passing of the deadline in 88 reasons, the author, edgar whisenant, came out with a new book called 89 reasons why the rapture is in 1989. this book sold only a fraction of the number of copies his prior release had sold. once burned, twice shy.

1991 a group in australia predicted jesus would return through the sydney harbor at 9 a.m., march 31, 1991. rumors are that he was doing the breast stroke in the harbor but was run over by a car ferry and drowned.

1991 nation of islam leader louis farrakhan proclaimed the gulf war would be "the war of armageddon ... the final war." it was not. george w. bush started another mindless war twelve years later.

1991 menachem schneerson, a mystic russian-born rabbi, called for the messiah to come by september 9, 1991, the start of the jewish new year. apparently, jesus was not listening and failed to appear. the good rabbi passed away and his followers eagerly anticipated his own return. he did not do so.

1992 a korean group called mission for the coming days had the korea church in a state of frenzied excitement in the fall of 1992. they foresaw october 28, 1992 as the date for the glorious rapture and arrival of the celestial ominbus. numerology was the basis for the date. several camera shots that left ghostly images on pictures were thought to be a supernatural confirmation of the date. careless photography was a more likely suspect.

1993 if the year 2000 is the end of the 6,000-year cycle, then the rapture must take place in 1993, because you would need seven years of the tribulation. this was the murky thinking of a number of prophecy writers. they were all wrong.

1994 in the book, 1994: the year of destiny , f. m. riley foretold of god's plan to rapture his people. the name of his ministry was “the last call,” and he operated out of a missouri that has produced both john ashcroft and jesse james.

1994 pastor john hinkle of christ church in los angeles caused quite a stir when he announced he had received a vision from god that warned of apocalyptic event on june 9, 1994. hinkle, quoting god, said, "on thursday june the 9th, i will rip the evil out of this world." from a proper reading of bible prophecy, the only thing that god could possibly rip from the earth would be the christian church. some people tried to interpret hinkle's unscriptural vision to mean that god would the rip evil out of our hearts when he raptured us. as usual the date came and went with no heart surgery or rapture.

1994 harold camping, in his book are you ready?, predicted the lord would return in september 1994. the book was full of numerology that added up to 1994 as the date of christ's return. the numbers did not crunch and camping joined a long list of failed prophets, seers and other mountebanks, in blessed oblivion.

1994 after promising they would not make any more end time predictions, the jehovah's witnesses fell off the wagon and proclaimed 1994 as the conclusion of an 80-year generation; the year 1914 was the starting point.

1996 a self-proclaimed california psychic sheldon nidle predicted the end would come with the convergence of 16 million space ships and a host of angels upon the earth on december 17, 1996. nidle explained the uneventful passing of the date by claiming the angels placed us in a holographic projection to preserve us and give us a second chance. his doctors will not let him write any more and even took away his crayons.

1997 when yitzhak rabin and yasser arafat signed their peace pact on the white house lawn on september 13, 1993, some saw the events as the beginning of tribulation. with the signing of the peace agreement, daniel's 1,260-day countdown was underway. by adding 1,260 days to september 1993, you arrive at february 24, 1997. jesus, on the other hand, did not arrive nor were the elect of the pentecostal cults shot up into the stratosphere like so many ballistic missiles., minus their shoes and credit card bills.

1997 stan johnson of the prophecy club saw a "90 percent" chance that the tribulation would start september 12, 1997. he based his conclusion on several end-time signs: that would be jesus' 2,000th birthday and it would also be the day of atonement, although it wouldn’t be what is currently the jewish day of atonement. further supporting evidence came from romanian pastor dumitru duduman. in several heavenly visions, caused by the imbibing of too much plum wine, dumitru claimed to have seen the book of life. in one of his earlier visions, there were several pages yet to be completed. in his last vision, he noticed the book of life only had one page left. doing some rough calculating, johnson and friends figured the latest time frame for the completion of the book would have to be september 1997. more bitter disappointments were evident as the time came and passed without a sight of jerusalem slim.

1998 numerology: because 666 times three equals 1998, some people point to this year as being prophetically significant. this incredible information was posted on the internet where it stunned dozens of true believers.

1998 a taiwanese cult operating out of garland, texas predicted christ would return on march 31 of 1998. the group's leader, heng-ming chen, announced god would return and then invite the cult members aboard a ufo. the group abandoned their prediction when a precursor event failed to take place. the cult's leader had said that god would appear on every channel 18 of every tv in the world. maybe god realized at the last minute that the playboy network was channel 18 on several cable systems, and he didn't want to have christians watching a porn channel. on the other hand, fox network is known to be god’s favorite viewing.

1998 marilyn agee, in her book, the end of the age, had her sights set on may 31, 1998 for the glorious arrival. this date was to conclude the 6,000-year cycle from the time of adam. agee looked for the rapture to take place on pentecost, which is also known as “the feast of weeks.” another indicator of this date was the fact that the holy spirit did not descend upon the apostles until 50 days after christ's resurrection. israel was born in 1948; add the 50 days as years and you come up with whatever figure you like. after her may 31 rapture date failed, agee, unable to face up to her error, continued her date-setting by using various scripture references to point to june 7, 14, 21 and about 10 other dates. marilyn then set a new date for the rapture: may 21 or 22 of the same year, again, she and the dozens of believers who read her works were doomed to disappointment. eventually, later rather than sooner, agee joined the ranks of the disproven and passed into blessed oblivion.

1999 tv newscaster-turned-psychic charles criswell king had said in 1968 that the world as we know it would cease to exist on august 18, 1999. it did not.

1999 philip berg, a rabbi at the kabbalah learning center in new york, proclaimed that the end might arrive on september 11, 1999, when "a ball of fire will descend . . . destroying almost all of mankind, all vegetation, all forms of life." nothing happened on that date of note except that the devil was arrested at a sex arcade in times square using counterfeit coins in a porn film viewer.

2000 the names of the people and organizations that called for the return of christ at the turn of the century is too long to be listed here. i would say that if there were a day on which christ could not return, it must have been january 1, 2000. this day came and passed and the waiting multitude did not see jesus descending on dallas, arrayed like solomon in all his splendor. many had hangovers and the only visions they had were of the double variety.

2000 on may 5, 2000, all of the planets were supposed to have been in alignment. this was said to cause the earth to suffer earthquakes, volcanic eruption, and various other nasty stuff. a similar alignment occurred in 1982 and nothing happened. people failed to realize that the other nine planets only exert a very tiny gravitational pull on the earth. if you were to add up the gravitational force from the rest of the planets, the total would only amount to a fraction of the tug the moon has on the earth.

2000 according to michael rood, the end times have a prophetically complicated connection to israel's spring barley harvest. the day of the lord began on may 5, 2000. rood's fall feast calendar called for the russian gog-magog invasion of israel to take place at sundown on october 28, 2000. it did not. perhaps prophet rood might have considered the annual harvest of the floating condoms from the harbor waters of new york city as an alternative event.

2000-2001 dr. dale sumburëru looked for march 22, 1997 to be "the date when all the dramatic events leading through the tribulation to the return of christ should begin" the actual date of christ's return could be somewhere between july 2000 and march 2001. dr. sumburëru is more general about the timing of christ's second coming than most writers. he stated, "the day the lord returns is currently unknown because he said [jesus] these days are cut short and it is not yet clear by how much and in what manner they are cut short. if the above assumptions are not correct, my margin of error would be in weeks, or perhaps months."

2003 arkansas city (ap) -- a little rock woman was killed yesterday after leaping through her moving car's sun roof during an incident best described as "a mistaken rapture" by dozens of eye witnesses. thirteen other people were injured after a twenty-car pile up resulted from people trying to avoid hitting the woman who was apparently convinced that the rapture was occurring when she saw twelve people floating up into the air, and then passed a man on the side of the road who she claimed was jesus. "she started screaming "he's back, he's back" and climbed right out of the sunroof and jumped off the roof of the car," said everet williams, husband of 28-year-old georgann williams who was pronounced dead at the scene. "i was slowing down but she wouldn't wait till i stopped," williams said. she thought the rapture was happening and was convinced that jesus was gonna lift her up into the sky," he went on to say. "this is the strangest thing i've seen since i've been on the force," said paul madison, first officer on the scene. madison questioned the man who looked like jesus and discovered that he was dressed up as jesus and was on his way to a toga costume party when the tarp covering the bed of his pickup truck came loose and released twelve blowup dolls filled with helium which floated up into the air. ernie jenkins, 32, of fort smith, who's been told by several of his friends that he looks like jesus, pulled over and lifted his arms into the air in frustration, and said "come back here," just as the williams' car passed him. mrs. williams was sure that it was jesus lifting people up into the sky as they passed by him, according to her husband, who says his wife loved jesus more than anything else. when asked for comments about the twelve dolls, jenkins replied "this is all just too weird for me. i never expected anything like this to happen.” this event is probably the most illustrative of all the great compendiums of prophesy.

2011-2018 for the past several decades, jack van impe has hinted at nearly every year as being the time for the rapture. normally, he has only gone out one or two years from the current calendar year. however, jack's latest projection for the rapture goes out several years. his new math uses 51 years as the length of a generation. if you add 51 years to 1967, the year israel seized jerusalem from its arab inhabitants, you get 2018. once you subtract the seven-year tribulation period, you arrive at 2011. dozens will be energized and will sell off their bicycle training wheels and lifetime collection of dignity pants but again, sad to say, nothing will happen.

2012 new age writers cite mayan and aztec calendars that predict the end of the age on december 21, 2012.


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this paste was 140 characters longer than the max allowed, so i deleted the very last portion referring to issac newton; you can see it on the website, www.tbrnews.org , the source of this pasted material.


so what makes the 2012 event horizon event different from the rest (i am aware of many reasons, but i thought that i'd ask just the same) ?

[nvideoe]

1. cosmological data indicating a coming alignment with the galactic core.
2. hundreds if not thousands of channeled messages from people not associated with organized religion or christianity.
3. a multitude of ancient to modern prophecies ranging from folk lore to scientists.
4. the ending of several known cycles in the cosmos as indicated by scientific studies.
5. a dramatic increase in the awakening of individuals in all walks of life to their inherent spirituality.
6. a phenomenal increase in the occurrence of various psychic phenomena.
7. a dramatic increase in the incidence of ufo sightings.
8. the sudden exposure of a multitude of government coverups, lies, and deceptions.
9. an increasing cycle of environmental energizing (atmospheric heat) throughout our solar system.
10. i hate to mention this one after reading your post but, mathematical calculations based on known constants and their harmonic relationships with one another.

these are a few of the reasons just off hand that this time is different. it is not the ravings of some individual lunatic. we're not talking about the "rapture" here. we're talking about ascension. it is a gradual process of raising consciousness, not just for the chosen few but for all who are ready including the planet itself. there is factual scientific evidence that backs up the predictions. we aren't all going to be flying off the planet to meet some man in a robe in the sky. jesus isn't coming back. he's dead. christ will be returning (it never left). those who are prepared will experience a spontaneous breakthrough of the veil into christ or superconsciousness. in that state, many wonderful abilities will be manifested such as those demonstrated by jesus, who by virtue of certain training obtained in egypt, was an ascended being. we will be entering a new age of peace, love, and further spiritual growth. many will not be prepared for this ascension and will be transported elsewhere, as though in the blink of an eye to their consciousness, to continue their 3d experience or graduate to a 4d neg. experience. this is information available all over the internet in greater or lesser distortion.

i think maybe i'm responding to something you posted as an item of entertainment so i may be responding inappropriately, if so i apologize. i thought it was quite entertaining and couldn't stop laughing at the poor lady that leaped from her car. as tragically sad as it was i couldn't help myself.:d

[Drysnyaty]

the word 'science' in this amusing compendium of failed 'predictions' is conspicuous in its absence.

i recall that, as a child of eight, i conducted my own personal investigation of the spiritual nature of man. the pastor at the church across the street gave me a magazine to read, the 'watchtower', which is a jehovah's witness' publication.

in it, it was claimed that the kingdom of heaven resided in a particular star system, and a pretty and colorful photo was provided of this star system.
it struck me even then that there was no scientific basis for this claim, and on the pretext of hearing my mother call me for lunch, bade haste.

there exists solid, scientific evidence of regular cycles of great energetic change on earth; with drastic evolution of species occurring at node points of these cycles. there exists scientific evidence that the earth/solar system is now entering the time frame of a major node point.

do you know that the remote diagnostic ability of edgar cayce was proven beyond any reasonable doubt? although people can choose to not accept this fact, it is still real. the implications are staggering.

a little more nebulous in regards to scientific provability are his accounts of spiritual reality, for example, and his accounts of the remote past.

a similar situation exists in regards to a vibrational leap of the planet circa 2012. although much hard science circumstantially points to this possibility, no one can know for sure what is going to happen.

but the science that indicates some drastic and sudden change is afoot is undeniable to one who has impartially examined the evidence. see, for example, the work of david hudson and his platinum group monatomic micro-clusters -- when the vibrational speed of the heat-excited atoms in a sample exceed the speed of light, it attains zero mass and disappears from view. again, the implications are staggering!

this is but one example of incontrovertible 'science' that backs up the planetary ascension hypothesis.

in my mind, it remains a hypothesis. and i'm open to any new science that may give me an expanded vision of what may or may not happen and when.

in the meantime, all my scientific enquiry and all my intuitive faculties hold this hypothesis as a valid one, notwithstanding others' expectations of doomsday or the return of jesus.

-mark

[orgagsUpsepsy]

all in all, i'd have to say three things about my "belief" in the 2012 event...

1) having a rational mindset from my engineering background, i truly appreciate all of the sciences merging into one and the search into the last frontier that is consciousness.

2) i am awe-stricken at the correlations between prophecies. as you mentioned mark, its not one person saying this, its many.

3) and lastly, but more important than anything, i have to say my experiences are what validates this as true. it was very nice to look back at all of the choices and possibilities that existed at those times and realizing nothing of this experience of mine was by accident, but by "guided" choice. as i've sharpened by meditation skills, any inkling of doubt has been cast aside.

i didn't jump into this full-hearted - i did have some healthy skepticism, which is a good thing - it allowed me to look past the fear-based 2012 and become enlightened to the beautiful potentials that we currently discuss on a daily basis. but, i can honestly say, the possibilities of 2012 are in fact, possible and thats about it. nothing is for certain, its all in what we make of it.

experiencing oneness, living in the now - i'll worry about december 21st, 2012 on that day, and live each one up until then to its fullest, awakening each day to a world of infinite possibilities, infinite potential - basking in the light of love.

art

[Ocqljudq]

mozart,

a good post. it was definitely humorous.

one 66