[XarokLasa]

I have a question that I've been tossing around in my mind for quite a while now but haven't been able to answer.

How does one form healthy, deep relationships with other people without any attachment?

When I say "relationships", I mean in the general sense: romantic or platonic. I guess the question could also be phrased like this: How do we form close relationships and feel no sadness or grief when that person is no longer in our life?

I need to move to a different city in a week for school, but I have several close friends here in town, one in particular. I'm feeling a great deal of sadness and anxiety (worried that our friendship might degrade if we're apart for a long time). Is it possible to be close to someone without this attachment? Is it necessary to relinquish all relationships in order to be truly free from attachments?

Thanks in advance for any insights, friends.

[JohnImamadviser]

Hi Elaboration,

I think most people feel sadness at the loss of a loved one or when a friend is no longer in their lives. I felt some sadness myself earlier in the year when a friend moved to another country. However, its still possible to love people and wish them well at a distance, while accepting the changes.

We can't hold on to people and situations forever, changes of one kind or another are inevitable. Fully understanding this lessens any sadness, anxiety and clinging and brings peace of mind.

It might be helpful for you to do a little meditation practice on a daily basis and I recommend having a look at the resources in the meditation thread in our study links section, particularly Ajahn Jayasaro's series of short 'Buddhist Meditation' videos.

with kind wishes

Aloka

[Bonioners]

Hi Elaboration,

It is 'natural' to feel sadness when we have to break relationships. The sadness arise because attachments. Buddha teachings helps us to build relationships out from them building those relationships knowing that all of them will end one day. This start to work when we relate with others with love and kindness out from emotional dependence.

Takes time but it can be achieved with meditation -as Aloka said- and practice.

Hope this can be of some help.

[Unergerah]

How does one form healthy, deep relationships with other people without any attachment? Is it possible to be close to someone without this attachment? Is it necessary to relinquish all relationships in order to be truly free from attachments?

dear friend

imo, it is very difficult to have ordinary relationships without any attachment. at least in the original buddhist tradition, a person relinquished all ordinary relationships in order to be truly free from attachments

however, Buddha, in his clarity, also recognised most people need the love & support of ordinary relationships. so Buddha provided many teachings (such as here & here) about the conduct & qualities required for successful lasting relationships

kind regards

element

[neictscek]

Thank you all for your guidance. I've found it very helpful!

One further thought: In my experience it seems that most of the changes we must go through are not natural changes but are imposed by our society or our modern way of life. For example, moving far away in search of better jobs and more money. Certainly there are some changes which are unavoidable, the most obvious to me being death. But is it still clinging and grasping when the need for such changes is not natural (or at least not experienced in previous centuries); when we ourselves are imposing the changes?

Just a thought.

Thanks again for your kindness.

[nilliraq]

In my experience it seems that most of the changes we must go through are not natural changes but are imposed by our society or our modern way of life.

For sure. Modern society has certainly fractured the natural family unit, often creating difficulties & pressures. Despite its many material & technological advantages, ultimately, modern society is often not kind, in terms of distributing life's requisities.

The world, at large, is now turning, towards a less humane social phase.

[Qxsumehj]

The internet age is complicating relationships, too, because it makes it possible to have friendships with people from all over the world. When you fall in love with that person, you of course want to be with them, but sometimes circumstances make that impossible. Then you are faced with transforming back to friendship and loving from afar, or breaking up completely. How do you detach in this situation, so you don't suffer from a broken heart, especially when both of you believe you are meant to be together, if only conditions were different?

[deethythitoth]

For sure. Modern society has certainly fractured the natural family unit, often creating difficulties & pressures.

Frankly, I don't think the family unit itself is natural and the marriage institution also causes difficulties & pressures in humans.