[NikolaAAA]

So I'm 15. I have had a girlfriend I believe I am in love with. She's been wanting to have sex for awhile now and so do I. Although I keep trying not to give into the temptation of sexual plessure, its becomeing increasingly harder. Any advice on how I can control my sexual thoughts in a more mature way? Thank you

[adolfadsermens]

Dear Eli

I do understand how you feel, - but I think perhaps if you keep in mind that sexual intercourse produces babies (and STD's) it would be a good idea. Birth control methods don't always work either.

Young teenage girls so often become pregnant and have a child without the boy or the girl having fully realised all that this entails for their young lives, or for the future life of the baby.

I wonder if perhaps joining in some healthy activities with a larger group might also be a good idea, so that you're not spending too much time alone together thinking about sex.


with kind wishes

Aloka

[drlifeech]

So I'm 15. I have had a girlfriend I believe I am in love with. She's been wanting to have sex for awhile now and so do I. Although I keep trying not to give into the temptation of sexual plessure, its becomeing increasingly harder. Any advice on how I can control my sexual thoughts in a more mature way? Thank you

hi Eli

my advice is sexual intercourse, generally, results in love & attachment between two people. then if that relationship ends, for some reason, generally one of those people will experience strong suffering & heartbreak, even depression.

girls, in particular, can lose alot of self-esteem when they feel they have been sexually rejected after engaging in a sexual relationship. so, when a sexual relationship does not work out, girls can develop the tendency to keep pursing sexual relationships in an attempt to recover their lost self-esteem, which often increases (rather than improves) their self-esteem problems

what i am saying is, if we chose for ourself to be a Buddhist practitioner, we aim to act in ways that do not create harm & suffering in ourselves & others. so, from a Buddhist perspective, it is ideal to have a sexual relationships when one has some long term perspective on one's life & finds a suitable partner that shares the same long term perspective & life goals

with teenage girls that are pushy for sex, we can never know what is going on with their reproductive &/or filial (bonding) instincts. when you say: " I believe I am in love", are you prepared & committed in relation to any long term consequences that might arise?

from the viewpoint of Buddhist practise, if we are not committed to long term outcomes, we generally avoid sexual relationships

kind regards

element

(this song was a hit when i was 15 years old)

[tussinelde]

I think it is natural human behavior to have peaked sexual needs at the age if puberty irrespective of gender. Whether you are male or female, this is the age physical needs usually get priority over related emotional needs like love, attachment, bonding, kids etc.



So I don't see a big contextual difference between a teenage girl wanting have sex and a teenage boy wanting to have sex. Both parties are acting on hormonal and bodily changes. This is why it is best to take social/cultural aspects also into consideration when indulging.

[LasTins]

Its hard to tell whether or not this relationship will be long term. We've known eachother since we were very young and know eachother very well. But I don't think I'm quite mature enough to know if its going to last a long time. But, I'm not going to have sex until I come to a conclusion. Thanks for the advice everyone

[tomsmuidh]

Well all of us that have reached past the age of 15, know that often, lust is interpreted as love for someone, because I mean come on, you are new to the whole thing and what do you really know? I was behaving in such behaviour at 15, but also I knew that it was a temporary thing, I honestly wanted as many different girlfriends (at different times of course) than I could get, because yes it is fun...

However when I look back, still, I am only 21, but I look back and what was the point really? That brief moment of sexual pleasure? At what cost? The cost of possibly having a baby? Which by the way will change the course of your entire life just encase you don't know... Also think about the chances of getting an STD, often teenagers aren't prepared to engage in such activities and they stupidly have sex because of the mere fact that they happen to be alone...

In my view, it is similar to what Element said, you should wait for sex and have it with someone that you truely know that you love, you said "I believe I love", this is exactly my point, you don't believe that you love someone or think that you love someone, you will know... You should also be on track with that person as far as life goals and point of view goes aswell, as that will cause many many problems if the two tracks collide... In conclusion, yes I behaved in such a way as a teenager, but I was definately a rebel, and yes I enjoyed it, but it was soooo stupid, and there is no point other than that brief moment of pleasure, it is not worth how it could literally crush the track of your life. I have witnessed this happen to many many peers and it is so sad... So sad.

Edit:

Oh and this was a hit when I was 15....

[Imiweevierm]

Well all of us that have reached past the age of 15, know that often, lust is interpreted as love for someone, because I mean come on, you are new to the whole thing and what do you really know? I was behaving in such behaviour at 15, but also I knew that it was a temporary thing, I honestly wanted as many different girlfriends (at different times of course) than I could get, because yes it is fun... However when I look back, still, I am only 21, but I look back and what was the point really? That brief moment of sexual pleasure? At what cost? The cost of possibly having a baby? Which by the way will change the course of your entire life just encase you don't know... Also think about the chances of getting an STD, often teenagers aren't prepared to engage in such activities and they stupidly have sex because of the mere fact that they happen to be alone... In my view, it is similar to what Element said, you should wait for sex and have it with someone that you truely know that you love, you said "I believe I love", this is exactly my point, you don't believe that you love someone or think that you love someone, you will know... You should also be on track with that person as far as life goals and point of view goes aswell, as that will cause many many problems if the two tracks collide... In conclusion, yes I behaved in such a way as a teenager, but I was definately a rebel, and yes I enjoyed it, but it was soooo stupid, and there is no point other than that brief moment of pleasure, it is not worth how it could literally crush the track of your life. I have witnessed this happen to many many peers and it is so sad... So sad.

vivid practical example how needs change according to the hierarchy ... lol

[actifadepette]

We've known eachother since we were very young and know eachother very well.

thanks Eli

in my experience, if you have known each since you were young, such innocence (if that is the case) will lead to strong attachment & potential consequences if it does not work out.

plus, you are both still under the age of consent

if you have both been friends since you were young then that friendship should maintain your friendship

you may not be aware but a sexual relationship, that does not work out, may end your friendship forever. there is generally a difference between sexual lovers & friends. when sexual relationships end, generally (but not always), friendship between two people also ends, such as when marriages end in bitter & acrimonious divorces

if she has an innocent love for you, then she should be able to be more patient & continue to nurture your friendship

relationships between childhood sweethearts often do work out because nature designs innocent love this way

but the complex world we live in today often does not follow nature's design. it has increasing challenges to relationships. so being more prepared is more necessary, imo

kind regards

element

[arriftell]

also, one thing i forgot to mention, which may sound like ancient religion, but:

officially, in the Buddha's original teachings, it is sexual misconduct, i.e., a breach of the five precepts, to have sex with someone:

1) still under the protection of law; and

2) still under the protection of parents (unless the parents openly consent to the sexual relationship)

thus, if a girlfriend is 15 years old, she is still under the protection of law

the reason for the parent's consent is because, if the girl is still living with her parents, the sexual relationship may harm her relationship with her parents, if the parents do not approve

so, if we have chosen to adopt the Buddhist five precepts, to have sex with a boy or girl, still living with their parents, without the parent's approval, is sexual misconduct

kind regards

element

[JJascaxal]

As Deshy has said teenagers experience for the first time at puberty the hormonal and physical changes which promote sexual activity and it is often intense.

Finding other outlets and physical activity to help release of tension may be helpful ... it is not necessary to have a sexual relationship to be a close and loving couple to each other and 15 is very young to begin a sexual relationship, despite what the bodily sensations suggest.

Some people I know who are celibate swear by debating and discussion as alternate activities to sexual activity.

[jeockammece]

Young Master Eli,

Please refer to the Four Noble Truths. If your partner is understanding then maybe sharing these with her to read might help. However in case you don't have a copy laying around, I DO! YAY!

The Second Noble Truth refers to the arising, origin, and cause of our dissatisfaction and suffering. We desire, crave, and thirst for happiness, security, and indentity in this world of impermanence. Influenced by our misperception (ignorance/delusion), we want to satisfy our every craving, need, and desire. We want from life what it can never provide: constant happiness, pleasure, and security undisturbed by change or loss. When life fails to satisfy our needs and desires, we experience fear, frustration, hurt, anger, pain, or suffering. Afflicted with such thoughts we tend to speak and act in negative ways which cause further suffering. Therefore our dissatisfaction and suffering do not come from outside ourselves. We cause our own suffering when we fail to realize that the impermanent nature of life is incapable of providing constant satisfaction for our craving, need, and desire. The origin and cause of dissatisfaction and suffering is our own misperception of reality (ignorance/delusion), self-centered desire (greed), craving, grasping, attachment to things that do not last, and our negative behavior.

To overcome dissatisfaction and suffering, it is essential that we clearly identify the causes of this experience; we deeply feel and fully understand these causes; finally, we choose to abandon, remove, and stop creating the causes of our suffering.

Hope that this helps.. I always find myself going back to the Four Noble Truths and Noble Eightfold Path.

It's a tough thing being young and having these kind of things pop up. Don't give in to temptation, explain that you would like to wait until you both are sure. There is nothing wrong with that.

[CsFLhGNp]

g'day Grom

as Western Buddhists, in a scholarly age, we cannot avoid reading about the Four Noble Truths. however, in Buddha's time, the Four Noble Truths were not generally instructed to laypeople. the Four Noble Truths are lokuttara (transcendent) dhamma, which Buddha primarily taught to those who renounced the household life, as set forth at the very beginning of his 1st sermon:

Bhikkhus, these two extremes ought not to be cultivated by one gone forth from the house-life. What are the two? There is devotion to indulgence of pleasure in the objects of sensual desire; and there is devotion to self-torment.

Dhammacakkappavattana Sutta: Setting Rolling the Wheel of Truth to laypeople, Buddha taught as follows:

If both husband & wife want to see one another not only in the present life but also in the life to come, they should be in tune [with each other] in conviction, in tune in virtue, in tune in generosity and in tune in wisdom. Then they will see one another not only in the present life but also in the life to come.

Husband & wife, both of them
having conviction,
being responsive,
being restrained,
living by the Dhamma,
addressing each other
with loving words:
they benefit in manifold ways.
To them comes bliss.
Their enemies are dejected
when both are in tune in virtue.
Having followed the Dhamma here in this world,
both in tune in precepts & practices,
they delight in the world of the devas,
enjoying the pleasures they desire.

Samajivina Sutta: Living in Tune kind regards