[Logaleta]

Hi everyone, I recently started practicing Buddhism about 5 months ago with my 5 and a half long boyfriend. He knows a lot more than me but I've learned the basics. Well I have a big dilemma concerning relationship issues, I've been reading If Buddha married and it's a very good book but I'm still a little puzzled about something.

My boyfriend and I had a break in our relationship for about 4 or 5 months like a year and a half ago and we saw other people but since we we're both in very bad places in our lives we cheated on them respectively with each other. When we broke up with our respective partners I completely let go of any attachment to this other person because I didn't want to make him suffer more than I already had but my bf never let go of his ex partner and that bothers me.

First it was because of jealousy and I know it's a bad trait and I'm really working on it but then it was because he promised me he was going to let go of that attachment to her but later he went back on it because he says it was a "mistake" and he really considers her a very good friend.

Now, putting jealousy aside, it bothers me because first he went back on his promise and second because I see that relationship based on a lie because he never told her about any of the cheating that happened throughout their relationship so she has a false perception of him in a lot of ways and I feel like he's being a hypocrite because he's not following the Buddhist path of having honest relationships, and to be honest yes there's a little jealousy still there but I'm trying to put it aside. Am I completely wrong about everything?

[Marat]

Welcome to the group, okane99 !

I'm sorry to hear about your difficulties. Your feelings about your present awkward situation with your boyfriend seem quite confused.

Personally, if I was in your position myself, I'd just step back and take at least a month's break from intimate involvement with men altogether - and then see if that helped me to develop any further insight into what had been happening.

Sorry I couldn't be more helpful.

With kind wishes,

Aloka-D

[andrekuper]

Hi again okane99,

Since you mentioned that you've only been practising for about 5 months, I'll move this thread to the Buddhism for Beginners forum.

[ligaliaCods]

Am I completely wrong about everything?

No.

One thing to be very cautious about is when people use Buddhism teachings to try to get you to put up with things that you shouldn't have to put up with. They might tell you to "let go" of your jealousy or anger or whatever emotion is arising, particularly if they see themselves as the target of your emotions. Don't allow other people to tell you what to feel or how to feel it. Buddhism, when used in this way, can be a tool used for purpose of trying to control relationships. Unfortunately, even very knowledgable "Buddhists" will sometime adopt this tactic of turning the tables and trying to make you feel like there's something wrong with you if you have a negative emotion associated with something they did. If that is happening, then recognize what is happening.

Pay attention to your feelings. There might be some very good reasons that these feelings are arising at this moment. Listen to them. You don't have to put them aside. Feelings come and go, and whatever feelings present themselves in this moment are subject to change.

The practice of Buddhism doesn't have to do with fixing other people. I hope things work out in a manner that benefits you along this path.

[gymnAnemoe]

Pay attention to your feelings. There might be some very good reasons that these feelings are arising at this moment. Listen to them. You don't have to put them aside. Feelings come and go, and whatever feelings present themselves in this moment are subject to change.

Yes...

[Galinastva]

There's a lot in what Jechbi said. Watch that you don't let yourself be victimized.


If he is actually practicing and not just posing, a detached approach would help you see him as being at a certain skill level. At a certain point on the path; not a permanent quality of his being. If he's practicing, he may eventually realize that he's acting out of attachment. If he's only pretending to be practicing, though, well, you might want to reconsider your attachment to him.

Ascertaining whether he's really practicing or only posing is the real challenge. I don't think that anyone else can really give you that insight. If you have doubts, ask yourself why you have doubts. What clues set you off to doubt? From a detached perspective, are they legitimate doubts, or a product of your attachment to him? That is, if you visualize yourself as an outside observer on your relationship, what advice would YOU give? If you visualize yourself as being the Buddha, for example...

[Gosxjqum]

Thank you Jechbi, I do believe in fighting for what I think (as long as it's not something merely from the ego) is right. I do think that people use Buddhism teaching to turn the tables, I just wanted to make sure I wasn't making that mistake myself. Thank you for your insights, they have made me think a lot about this situation.

Hope you are doing well

[Chubrehege]

Yes I see what you are saying FBM, it's just hard sometimes to see this problem in a third perspective because I sometimes do doubt myself and think "what if I'm really getting motivated by my own emotions and not seeing things clearly?" I think it's always a good idea to run thoughts like these through other people that know maybe more about being mindful

Thank you for your advice, hope you are doing well