[benderkoz]

you attend the Church group for spiritual company rather than to bolster a view on God, which it seems you don't have?

No, I don't, that's the problem. Never really have had, but kept trying to find a belief in God, to provide some meaning in my life and for a feeling of 'family'. My upbringing provided no feeling of family closeness or support whatever, so the search was there since I was a young teenager. Not the right reasons maybe, but there you are!